A/N This fic gets me in my feely place for some reason. Hope you all enjoy this chapter.
I'm not happy about this therapy session today. Now that I know it's coming I dread the days. I sit in my office staring at the clock wishing time would slow down, but the session is fast approaching. I'd thought of scheduling something, anything today, but I knew that I'd have to deal with him and to be honest I guess the session was better than hearing his mouth. He has dug his heels in and no matter what I say or do he's not going to relent.
"You ready?" I tear my eyes away from the clock and stare at Fitz, who has just walked into my office. I nod as I stand from my desk. When I reach him he tries to grab my hand.
"Don't." I walk past him and I can hear his sigh. Dr. Mackenzie is waiting for us when we arrive. We greet her.
"How have you two been since our first session?" We both shrug and she nods her head.
"Mellie we ended our last sessions talking about how you feel regarding Fitz's infidelities I'd like to expand upon that."
"What's to say? He cheats on me and makes me feel like shit. Like a failure as a wife and a mother. I want a divorce and just because he's gotten in his head that right now he wants me it's all about his wants and needs and not mine." I can't keep the shocked expression off my face at the venom that I hear in her words.
"We need to talk about why you shut your husband out emotionally?" I hear Mellie's breath hitch in her throat and I so badly want to tell her we don't have to talk about it, but I know that we need to talk about it. Mellie looks away from us and I can feel that she is trying to compose herself. Finally she takes a deep breath and looks back at the doctor.
"I was raped." The doctor nods.
"By a stranger?"
"By Fitz's father." I close my eyes. It was the first time I'd heard it actually come out of her mouth. Even though I knew about what my father did it made it even more painful to hear Mellie say it. "It was before he was governor. I blamed myself, I knew that Big Gerry wasn't a nice man yet I tried to make nice with him and I paid a big price for it. I was embarrassed to have trusted him, ashamed that I couldn't fight him off. I felt like I deserved it and I no longer deserved Fitz." She said the last part softly. I knew she was fighting to keep her emotions in check.
"Fitz how did you react when Mellie told you about what your father did?" I squirm in my seat uncomfortable with the truth that I have to tell.
"She didn't tell me. My mistress told me." I see Mellie shake her head out the corner of my eye. Dr. Mackenzie is fighting to keep her expression neutral.
"Please tell me how this came about?" I glance over at Mellie. She has no clue how Olivia ended up telling me about her rape. I take a deep breath before continuing.
"I was projected to lose re-election and was preparing for my post political life. I was preparing to leave Mellie for my mistress." I pause waiting to see if there is any reaction from Mellie, there is none. "In the midst of making these plans I was informed about Mellie's rape. She wanted me to be certain that I was leaving Mellie for the right reasons and not to be under any false pretenses about why Mellie was how she was."
"Did you go to your wife and talk to her about the rape and how it changed her?"
"No." The doctor stares at me.
"Why not?"
"I didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to….." I try to search for the right words. "I've operated under assumptions about my wife for so long, assumptions that I'd become comfortable with that I wasn't ready to let go. I wanted an excuse for my behavior and the only excuse I could use was that she never loved me, she used me and was a monster. If that was turned on its head then I wasn't sure where that left me as a person. How I could justify my actions." Even though I am terribly embarrassed to have admitted that, I feel a weight lifted off of me.
"Mellie when you found out that Fitz knew about your rape did you try to talk to him about how it affected you?" I sigh I no longer want to talk about this. I just want to talk about the best way to handle this divorce.
"I tried to explain to him that I fought his father, but Fitz silenced me. I initially thought it was just him not wanting me to relive the pain, but as time went on I tried to broach the subject numerous times and was rebuffed. Finally he just flat out told me he didn't want to discuss it. That I'd spent over fifteen years not discussing it and he wanted it to stay that way."
"Not my most proud moment." I scoff at his statement. He looks at me quizzically. "Mellie I'm sorry for not wanting to hear you out, but I just explained why."
"So you think that because you are a coward it makes everything better? That your cowardice heals all my wounds and mends my broken heart? Your cowardice makes me feel like a whole woman again after your father ripped away my dignity and self respect?"
"That's not what I am saying at all."
"Then what are you saying Fitzgerald?" The moment is getting heated and the tension is pressing down on all of us. Dr. Mackenzie holds her hands up.
"Arguing won't solve any of your problems. I know that there is a lot of anger and hurt feelings here, but the only way to truly hear one another is to talk to each other not yell."
I know she is correct, but all I want to do is slap him upside his head and walk out of this room. Although I want to leave I know that Fitz and I need to have some type of cordial relationship. We have children together and nothing is going to change that fact. Dr. Mackenzie looks at her watch.
"That's all the time we have right now. I know it may not feel like it' but we made great progress today." We all stand and we shake her hand before she leaves. Mellie tries to walk away, but I gently grab her arm.
"I'm sorry for everything I've ever done to hurt you. I want to fix us please give me the opportunity."
"What if I don't want to be fixed? What If I just want to walk away and never look back?"
"I know I don't have a right to ask you for anything after the way I have treated you, but if you will try with me to mend our marriage and if it doesn't work I'll sign the papers."
"Fine I'll try, but I'm not going to lie Fitz I'm half out the door and I can't think of anything that can be said or done that's going to change that." I pull my arm out of his hand before turning and leaving him standing in the room alone.