**WARNING** As this story progresses, it will address topics some readers may view as offensive, or disturbing. This story is not for the weak of heart, or those who are coaxed away from disturbing plots. It is rated M, for mature, for a reason.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Songs referenced: I Surrender - Digital Daggers

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Chapter 1

The drive home was quiet.
The street lights of Los Angeles began flickering on, and traffic flowed lighter as people made it home to their families. The silence in my car weighed down on my bones, as I reflected on what happened, what I did wrong, what I could have improved on. Subconsciously, I turned on the radio to let music play through my idle mind as I lost my myself in thoughts. My mind replayed the evening over, and over again.
I was so close to him, I could have met him if I wasn't so clumsy.
"Secret, hidden underneath it Trying hard to keep it Safely out of reach," the radio sung back to the mental assessment.

Tears formed in my eyes. Are you serious? Considering to meet him? Toby Turner would never be interested in someone as dependent, needy or selfish as you...

"Creeping, I can feel it breathing Coming to the surface Find me in my dream

Sweet despair Feel you devour me, oh Silently, oh you carry me home?"

Perhaps he could, if he saw all you did for him.. I turned into my apartment building's parking lot, shut off the engine and rubbed my eyes.

Maybe if he saw your commitment, your longing, your sincerity, all of it.. If he saw how much he truly meant to you, perhaps he could see you in a different light...

I smiled. I knew Toby was a beautiful man, with a lovely personality. He would understand... how could he not? Things between him and Olga fell apart, and I knew I could mold myself into exactly what Toby needed. I would do anything for Toby.. anything. I would keep him safe, even from himself.

Once in my apartment, I sighed. I was sticky, exhausted and fatigue weared on my body. I removed the thick black hoodie, jeans and tanktop I was wearing. It clung to my body and sent shivers down my back once I took it off. I dropped the clothes off in the bin, and started a bubble bath. As the heat from the water spread through the house, I checked Youtube for any update from my three subscriptions. One new gaming video... okay.. Nothing new on Tobuscus..

I shortened the bath, making sure to wash and rinse twice, shaving and then rinsing off once more. I leaned down and picked up the stopper, allowing the water to flow down the drain. I stood in the tub, rubbing my neck. What was I while Toby was away? Was I real? Am I ghost of flesh and blood?

Pondering this, I walked into my room, flicked on the light and scanned the room. It was more of a college board room that found it's way into an apartment complex. There was a humble bed, mess in every corner of the room. The cocoa carpet made the room feel closed in, and the faux wooden plannel walls felt 30 years old. It was a dready room, and I didn't like to be in it for very long. I open the closet door and picked out a blue Tobuscus shirt, and smiled.
How many people could say they had a Tobuscus shirt, that Toby himself wore?

I grabbed my labtop, and set it on my coffe ring stained table. Wait. One new vlog? I saw him make today's vlog. Odd. I clicked the link.
Posted 3 minutes ago; wow, this looks like he just shot it.
I peered at the screen, as Toby went through the accounts of his day. He was going through fan mail and reading letters with glee. He was in a parking lot of a little plaza, sitting in his car. My heart stopped.
He was in the parking lot right down the road, maybe 8 minutes from my house.
Without finishing to watch the video, I grabbed shorts and my car keys. My mind was racing and I ran two red lights. I had to see him, this was a golden opportunity.
My tires screamed along the pavement turning into the parking lot, as I trying desperately to slow my speed. I cruised the lot, scanning for his car. I saw a light die in one of the cars and, saw his profile.

Toby.

I sped up slightly, parked only 2 spaces from him, and jumped out the car when his started. I ran to his driver side and knocked on the window. My body was so warm with emotion and excitement that I could barely stand. My eyes were wild and acute. He rolled down the window, adjusting his phone while speaking, never looking up at me "Yes? Can I help y-.." Tob looked up at me, eyes a little in shock and.. fear?

"H..Hi Toby.." I breathed, smiling widely. "I saw your last vlog, saw you were in the neighborhood and thought I would stop by."
Toby set his phone in the cup holder, swallowed roughly, and turned off his car.
"Oh.. Well..," he figdeted with his fingers before looking up at me. "I'm really sorry..."
"Jordan.. My name is Jordan." My voice was dead, and I was numb. Toby didn't want to see me? This wasn't making any sense...
"Jordan, I was just about to leave.. But if you want, we can talk over something to eat?" He gave a smile and stepped out of his car.
"Of course, Toby.. I.. I would love to." I was star struck. Was I really going to have dinner with Toby? Just earlier I watched him create the daily vlog and now I was - Oh, which reminds me.
"Toby.. Why did you make a second vlog?" I asked while trailing behind him, towards the neon lights reading "The Parish". I had never eaten here before, but it's one of Toby's favorites.
He swallowed hard, and turned his face away slightly before regaining composure -which I saw right through.
"I'm going away for a week to discuss promotional offers from a few companies, and was letting the Audience know. You know, didn't want anyonw to think I was abducted by aliens... I thought they only abducted cows.. Am I a cow? God dang it. Cowbuscus, that's never going to-"
"You're lying." I replied coolly. Toby was so sweet, trying not to worry anyone. As sweet as that was, I saw through his game.
"Girl, you are an alcoholic girl, you are an alcoholic." He replied in his famous "Wassup girl?" voice. My heart melted, I smiled, but I let the issue drop.. for now.

We were shown to our seats, and we were getting stares. I nearly screamed with joy. Did they see us as a couple? I shuffled closer to Toby, and looked back at all the faces.
Toby looked at the menu, and then up at me.
"I'm sorry, I never asked about yourself.. So, tell me about the world of Jordan." He put on a handsome smile.
"Well.. I've been watching your videos for a long time," in that instant, Toby switched. His smile was still there, but his eyes glazed over a little. He was gone. He wasn't listening, he heard this all too often. The pain loomed into my veins, burning me as a whole.
"Uh, and I'm really into gaming, traveling and writing.. I like dubstep." Was that any better? Anything to spark your interest?
He came back to Earth and asked, "You like gaming?"
Jackpot, something to work off of.
"Oh yeah, PC, PS3, Xbox, all of it."
"No way. What's your favorite game?"

We chatted like that for a while, and laughed a little. The waiter came and took our orders and Toby said,
"But yeah.. When I get home, I have to pack and I'm not looking forward to that. Requires work. And effort." He winced with discomfort.
Then I realized... Toby has to go home after this. Which means I get lost in his memory bank, nothing to rememeber of this encounter. Another Audience member.
Though it wasn't his fault, it hurt to the core. I was trying to hide my body shaking, then blurted out "I have to use the restroom, excuse me?"
He excused me and I ran to my car. I wiped away any and all tears, and regulated my breathing.

It's now or never.

I stepped out of my car, and bent down to the tire of his. I uncapped an air value on his back tire, and put it in my pocket.

When I returned, the food was already there. I had to think of something else to anchor him.
"Waiter... may I have a Black Monday?"
After about 10 of those, I figured he would believe I was drunk. Toby was kind to me and kept conversation light.
"That was really fun," he said, as he walked me out. "I'm glad I got to meet a fan." He gave me a slight smile.
"Y-yeah.. Fuunnn!" I giggled.
Toby glanced at his car.
"Wait.. is my tire flat? Aw fuck." He ran his fingers through his hair, pulled out his phone and called a tow truck.
"I'll wait with you Tobes.. It's not a problem~!" I laughed out and smiled cheekily.
Toby just smiled and nodded, then furred his eyebrows. He sighed.
"Jordan.. listen. Since my car is not an option right now and you're clearly.. impaired, I could drive you home. Since I can't drive you home then back to my house, you could stay with me for tonight." He smiled shyly. "Sound fair?"

"Sure Toby," I said cheerfully.