Raph lay on his bed, face planted firmly in his pillow.

He'd acted as though killing the Kraang was no big deal, tried to match Casey's nonchalance about the whole thing, put up the same unflappable, tough-guy front that he always did. April commended him on his fast reflexes. Donnie commended him for his quick thinking. Casey and Mikey cheered for Raph's pure, unadulterated awesomeness. He had grinned, and showboated, and reminded them not to forget it, all while on the inside feeling like he was seconds away from vomiting everywhere.

Leo, however, saw right through Raph's charade. He told Raph that it was the only right decision, and then suggested that Raph clean his sai off while the rest of them tried to figure out how the paralysis toxin had worked.

To everyone else, it had been a practical idea.

But what had actually happened was that Leo had created an avenue of escape for Raph. An excuse to leave. As he scrubbed his sai, he silently both thanked and cursed Leo's keen perception.

Cleaning the blood away seemed to be an insurmountable task. The Kraang's blood was thicker than the human blood Raph had cleaned up before; even more to the point, the human blood had always been from non-fatal wounds. Wounds inflicted to disable, not destroy. He had scrubbed the sai about ten times before he realized that it was perfectly clean after the second scrubbing. He put them away in the dojo; then, rather than going to the lab to join the others, he went straight to his room, locked the door, and collapsed onto his bed.

It seemed like every part of him hurt. His stomach tossed at the thought of the Kraang. His leg ached. His heart was tied in knots over April. His soul seemed to hurt, as if he had somehow killed a part of himself when he'd killed the Kraang.

Raph couldn't even remember the last time he'd cried about something – he couldn't have been much more than seven or eight. He'd always hated crying. It made him feel weak and vulnerable, gave his brothers a reason to make fun of him, let them see what he was feeling inside. So he had trained himself to suppress the instinct; the last time his eyes had even watered was when he was hit on the head so hard by a stray nunchuk – thanks for that, Mikey – that his vision blurred and his stomach turned. Even then, he'd checked the physical response in its tracks. No tears. Not from him. Not ever.

Surely, in solitude, tears would be okay. Surely, after such a life changing event, tears would be appropriate. Surely, he could step out of his self-imposed limits long enough to mourn both the Kraang and whatever had left himself the minute he threw that sai.

Years of suppression, however, had turned off his instinct for tears. He dealt with things through anger. He didn't know how else to cope. So he simply lay on the bed, dizzy with rage, hating the Kraang, hating April, hating his brothers, hating Casey, hating Master Splinter…

…hating himself.

There was a gentle knock at the door. It was no less than Raph had been expecting, and he begrudgingly appreciated how long Leo had waited. It had been at least a couple of hours. He got up and opened the door a crack.

"Hey," Leo said softly.

"Leave me alone, Leo."

"Actually, Sensei got back about an hour ago. He said he wanted to talk to you."

Raph growled in anger. "Fine." He opened the door and gruffly pushed his way past Leo. Say something, Leo, he thought. I dare you. I dare you to try to make me feel better, you stupid…

But Leo said nothing, gave Raph no reason to be angry with him. Leo didn't even follow him past the living room. Apparently, Splinter wanted to talk to Raph alone.

When Raph walked into the dojo, he was surprised to see that Master Splinter had pulled out his ceremonial tea table. Splinter gestured for Raph to shut the door behind him. After shutting the dojo door, Raph came over, bowed deeply, and sat down at the table opposite of Splinter.

Wordlessly, Splinter poured the tea. Jasmine flowers seemingly danced through the air as the hot, pale golden liquid flowed from the spout into the cups. Blooms of steam spread the fragrance even further. Without even having touched a drop, Raph already felt like he was calming down some.

Once again, Splinter had put sugar in his cup. Even though he knew it was rude, Raph couldn't help drinking the tea as quickly as its temperature permitted. He wanted to be calm – wanted to find peace – somehow, anyhow…

Splinter made no comment when he saw that Raph's cup was empty. Instead, he measured out another spoon of sugar into it and refilled it. This time, Raph was able to drink the tea more slowly. Even so, when he had reached the bottom again, he couldn't help but feel that he was every bit as empty as the china cup in his hands.

While Raph stared into his cup, Splinter put something loud and metallic on the table in front of him. Raph's stomach twisted when he saw that it was his pair of sai. A moment later, Splinter inexplicably put a very old-looking tanto on the table as well. "I understand what you are feeling, my son. Twenty-five years ago, my home in Japan was attacked by the Foot Clan. I was sixteen years old, at home alone with my mother and three of my little cousins.

"Our attackers were relentless. There were at least twenty of them. My mother was marginally skilled with the naginata, and the oldest of my cousins, though she was handy enough with a tessen, was six. Of my other two cousins, one was three and the other in diapers. We told my cousins to hide, and my mother and I attempted to fend the Foot soldiers off. I disabled or rendered unconscious many of them.

"Nevertheless, the time came for me to make a choice. My mother was seconds from meeting her death at the point of a katana." Splinter picked up the tanto. "I could either let her die, or end the life of her assailant. What do you think I chose?"

Raph swallowed. He looked at the tanto, now understanding what it had in common with one of his sai.

"I had never killed a man before. I had never once stopped to imagine the sheer amount of blood a single body could produce, nor imagined the guilt that would burden me even though my actions were just. Though I have continued to use it for years and years, I am still not convinced that this tanto is clean."

"Does –" Raph choked on the word for a moment. "Does it get easier?"

"Killing? No. The soul that grows accustomed to killing is lost indeed. But living with yourself – forgiving yourself – that becomes easier."

Raph nodded. "How – how did you…move past it?"

"Upon his return, my father made jasmine tea for me. He showed me an old, broken bō-staff, and told me the circumstances of his first kill – how deeply it had affected him. He told me that his greatest prayer for me was that I would always feel such compassion, even for my enemies. He thanked me for defending our home with honor and integrity." Splinter reached across the table and put his hand on Raph's shoulder. "Thank you, Raphael."

"I don't feel very honorable." Raph hung his head.

"Neither did I. For those who are upright and honorable, taking a life is a very serious thing, and a terrible burden on the soul. Only a selfless man is willing to bear that burden for the sake of protecting others. The only thing more selfless is to die for others."

Unexpectedly, Raph felt his heart lighten. "Thanks, Sensei. It sounds like you had a pretty great father. If he'd put sugar in your tea, though, he'd be the best dad on the planet."

Smiling, Splinter stood up. "Come here, my son."

Raph got up and practically flew to the other side of the table, running into Splinter's embrace like he hadn't since he was a little kid - like he hadn't since the last time he had cried...

He remembered. He had been seven. A rabid rat had found its way into the lair, and Splinter had immediately dispatched it. Granted, as Donnie had pointed out later, reptiles were not at risk for catching rabies, but Splinter had been acting on the assumption that a rabid animal posed a threat to the safety of his family.

Raph remembered looking at the dead rat - it was gross and mangy and still had foam around its muzzle, but it had had almost the same coloration as Splinter had. Something about seeing it dead had shaken him, had been enough to push him over the edge into tears.

"How could you just kill it, Sensei? It looked just like you! It's not right!"

"It is always right to protect the ones we love, Raphael, no matter how unpleasant the task may seem."

When Raph left the dojo, he found Leo sitting alone in the living room. "Where's everybody else?"

Leo looked up from the television. "Huh? Oh, April had this thing with her dad and her aunt…apparently it's her aunt's birthday or something. I think Casey and Mikey went to go skate on the old subway tracks, and as far as I know, Donnie's in his lab, up to his eyeballs in notes." He flipped the television off. "Hey, um…how are you?"

Raph jumped over the back of the couch and sat on the opposite end from Leo. "A little shaky. But, you know, better."

"Have a good talk with Splinter, then?"

"Yeah." Raph sighed. It was time to step out of his element again. "Leo, I'm sorry for always calling you his favorite. It's just…you're always so sure of everything you do, and it's as obnoxious as heck." He wanted to go further, to say thank you, to say You always seem to know just what I need, but he couldn't bring himself to admit it. There was only so far he could go at a time.

"I'm not always sure, Raph. Believe me when I say that. But Sensei's always telling me to 'step outside the self-imposed limits of who I think I am,' and I figure if I'm gonna do anything, I should at least act like my weight's behind it."

Raph was startled; Leo was still figuring out who he was, too.

"So," Leo said, "did you still want to talk about what you mentioned earlier?"

Raph drew a deep breath. He felt so totally lost. "Okay, so say you were gonna 'step outside your self-imposed limits' in this situation. What would you do in my place? Would you tell Donnie and Casey?"

"I'm not in your place, Raph. How am I supposed to know what I'd do?"

Gaah, Leo, you're such a stupid mini-Splinter. "Hypothetically."

"Well, I guess I would do whatever felt the most right, no matter what."

"What if none of it felt right?"

Leo put a palm on his forehead. "Then I'd do the thing that felt like the least wrong option, and I'd do it like I meant it, even if I was second-guessing it the whole time."

"Great, so now I just need to figure out what the least wrong option is."

"Well, how do you feel about April?"

"I don't know. I've never been attracted to her before, but now that I know how she feels about me…"

"Yeah, but would you be attracted to her if you didn't know?"

The question startled Raph. "I guess…no."

"Why not?"

"Because she's off limits. Donnie's always liked her, and Casey does too."

"That's not really a reason for not being attracted to someone. I mean, you still think that, but you're obviously having second thoughts. Why weren't you attracted to her before now?"

"I guess…I just liked having a friend." Nothing complicated. Simple.

"Is that what you still want?"

Raph buried his face in his hands. "I don't know."

"Well, it's not like you have to act on this immediately," Leo said. "You haven't even had twenty-four hours to think it over."

"Yeah," Raph stood up. "Thanks for the advice, Leo."

Leo smiled. "What are brothers for?"

Raph couldn't help but return the smile. "Punching bags, I always thought."

"That explains a lot."

"Your face explains a lot."

"You wanna play some cards?"

Once again, Leo seemed to know what Raph needed – a distraction, a break, so that he could work on this problem later. How could Leo always know, when the two of them had absolutely nothing in common?

Maybe Raph's strained relationship with his older brother was just another one of his self-imposed limits that he needed to break past.

"Okay," Raph said, plopping back down onto the couch, "but only if we don't use your lame-o Space Heroes deck."