Raph sat in his room. His eyes had traveled over the same panel in his manga about 20 times and he still hadn't figured out what was going on in it. This whole evening, his thoughts had been occupied with April; he grabbed the manga to distract himself, since he was only on the second day of his television probation.
Still, it had been a better day. His leg held up all the way through training, he came really close to successfully meditating, though he still wasn't sure what the definition of that was, and Casey had come over in the afternoon with a huge box of cookies. They were easily the best dessert Raph had ever eaten – apparently, Casey's sister was the reigning champion of the junior high baking league.
"There's a baking league?" Mikey had asked, awestruck.
After eating what was, putting it mildly, an unhealthy amount of milk and cookies, Raph and Casey sat down at the hockey table for a game. Casey leaned over the table and quietly said, "So, did you get a chance to talk to April?"
"Nope," Raph said immediately. It wasn't strictly a lie.
Since Casey had left, Raph had been debating what to do about this whole mess with April. He tried to imagine what would happen if he told Casey; Casey's temper was bad, but he'd probably come around eventually.
When Raph imagined what would happen if he told Donnie, though… Donnie never did things by halves. Ever. If he believed something, or thought something, or felt something, he lived it. It consumed him. He let it define him. Fleetingly, Raph thought that maybe Splinter needed to have the self-imposed limits talk with Donnie, too. Of course, there was a good chance that had already happened.
Even so, if Raph told Donnie, it would crush him. Shatter his already precarious self-image. Donnie was just so gosh-darn sensitive to things – it was why one could get him so worked up over whether words were real or not. He had a big, squishy, vulnerable heart that it seemed like he didn't even have the faintest idea of how to protect.
He was like Mikey in that respect, except that Mikey's heart was shielded by blissful ignorance.
Raph could bear the thought of hurting Casey. As much as it hurt, he could bear the thought of losing Casey's friendship. But the thought of hurting Donnie, tearing their family apart…
He couldn't bear that.
Raph slammed his manga shut. He had moved so much out of his element in the last 48 hours, had stepped outside the self-imposed limits of who he thought he was, and was being to realize who he really was.
Compassionate.
He'd always thought the word was synonymous with weak, but he realized the sheer amount of determination and courage being compassionate required.
Leo had said to do the right thing. As Splinter had said, protecting the ones we love is always right.
He had to protect Donnie. Donnie didn't know how to protect his own heart. This whole time, Raph had tried to protect it for him, trying to convince him that April just wasn't in the cards, that he needed to get over it. Now, Raph needed to protect it again, but by sheltering it. Donnie wasn't ready to accept reality. Maybe someday he would, but not now. So Raph knew what he had to do.
He had to protect his brother.
No matter how unpleasant the task may be.
He was going to have to tell April that he didn't feel the same way that she did, regardless of what he actually felt. April was tough – like Casey, she would get over the disappointment.
Raph got up and headed out of the lair, once again having to tell Mikey that no, he was not getting pizza.
The whole way to April's apartment, he was second-guessing himself. What about him? Didn't his feelings matter? Was protecting Donnie from the inevitable worth it?
But like Leo said to, Raph put his weight behind his decision.
His hand shook as he knocked on April's window.
No matter how unpleasant the task may be.
April pulled back the curtains with an expression of surprise on her face. She unlocked the window and opened it. "Hey, Raph. I wasn't expecting you. What's up?"
Raph swallowed. "Um…I need to talk to you."
"Sure. Come on in. Do you want a soda or anything?"
Don't hold back, Raph said. This is going to be a train wreck no matter what, so just get it over with. "No thanks, April. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something that's been bugging me. On Friday night, I hurt my leg while I was out running…"
"Oh, yeah, Donnie told me about that. Splinter wouldn't let Leo pick you up."
"Yeah, so anyway, I was gonna ask you if your dad could give me a ride…"
"Oh, why didn't you? I'm sure he would have."
Raph slapped a palm onto his face. "I was going to, but you had company. That Irma girl."
"You could've texted me."
"I was. But I was sitting on the fire escape while I was writing it…and I heard you guys talking about…stuff."
April frowned. "I don't even remember what we were talking about."
"You don't have to pretend, April. I heard your conversation about boys. I know how you feel about me. But you can't, okay? I don't feel the same way."
April buried her face in her hands. "Raph…"
"I mean, you're great, and you're beautiful, and smart, and all those things, but April, I just…I don't feel…I mean, I don't know…but Donnie is a great guy…"
"Raph…"
"…or Casey, or any number of other guys, but you and I just won't work because, I mean, it's not's that I don't like you, it's just that…"
"Raph! Shut up!" April's face was a brilliant pink. "I wasn't talking about you."
Raph's stomach flipped. "You…weren't?"
"No. I wasn't talking about anyone. It was a character from a book. Didn't you hear Irma saying that?"
Heat bloomed in Raph's face. "I – I left halfway through." He felt like pulling into his shell and dying.
"Of course you did," April muttered. "Wow…this is…embarrassing."
"So…" Even though he had come here specifically to tell her that he wasn't interested, Raph's spirits sank. He should have known that she didn't really think any of that stuff. He shouldn't have been stupid enough to actually think that anyone would ever think those things. His face grew even hotter and he could feel his posture slump.
"Listen, Raph. I'll tell you what I told Irma. I don't have time in my life for a boyfriend. The reason I was telling her all of that garbage in the first place was because I'm sick of all the pressure people put on me about boys. Irma's always harping on about it, my aunt's always trying to set me up with the sons of friends in her book club. Not to mention the fact that two of my best friends are practically at each other's throats all the time, fighting over me like I'm the Stanley Cup!"
Raph held up a finger. "Um…that's…the hockey one, right?"
April crossed her arms. "Yeah. That would be why I chose it. Because a couple of testosterone-fueled idiots with sticks are getting into brawls over me." She sighed and massaged the bridge of her nose. When she spoke again, her voice was gentler. "Relationships are messy and complicated – and I just want things to be simple, you know? Everything else is already complicated enough."
Unexpectedly, a wave of relief swept over Raph. "Believe it or not, I actually get that." He bit his lip.
April raised her eyebrows. "You do?"
"Yeah. Part of the reason I came to tell you is because…I liked having you for a friend. And when I thought that you…well, it was complicated. And all I could think of was how mad Donnie and Casey would be…"
A tiny smile crept onto April's face. "Like how if they found out that I don't like them, there would be a massive rift in everyone's friendship?"
Raph nodded.
"Now you know how I feel half the time." She sighed. "I'm sorry you overheard all of that."
"Honestly, I'm relieved."
April tilted her head. Raph had the idea that she was looking straight through him. "You…" She looked like she wasn't sure if she wanted to pursue the conversation any further. "Are you sure that we're good? You said…some things…"
Raph shrugged and sat down on the window bench and thought for a moment. How much had his sudden attraction to her just been because he thought she liked him? Wasn't that what Leo was trying to get him to realize? "I guess…it was just nice thinking that…a girl could actually like me, or think that I was hot, or think that I was anything other than an ugly green freak."
"Is that what you really think that I think you are? Raph, you are not an ugly green freak. Anyone who thinks that can – can" – she uttered an incredibly foul string of Japanese words – "themselves."
Raph stared at her. "Now…I know Leo didn't teach you those."
April blushed. "Donnie did."
"What? Donnie?"
"Yeah…I was watching him fix one of Leo's katanas, the anvil fell off his worktable, and it fell right on his foot. He told me that they were metallurgy words…but I looked them up later. But that's beside the point. You're not ugly, you're not…okay, you are green, but you're not a freak!" She came over and laid a hand on his shoulder. "Raph, you're one of my best friends. You came in here to tell me that you're not interested in me because you care about other people more than you care about yourself. That's not how freaks act, trust me – I've met plenty of freaks, and you are definitely not one of them."
Raph felt a smile creep onto his face. "Thanks, April." He stood up and thought for a moment. "I'm really glad we're friends. I'm glad things are simple again." He spat in his hand and held it out.
April laughed. She spat in her own and they shook hands. "So we're good?"
"We're good. So…do you want me to tell Casey and Donnie to back off?"
"No. I mean, they'll be ready to hear it at some point, but not right now. Let me handle that, will you?"
"So are you saying that the three of you are officially not my problem?"
"Yeah."
Raph smiled. "Sounds good to me. Well…see you tomorrow at afternoon training?"
"You know it!"
Raph had just started to climb out of the window when April spoke again.
"Raph?"
He turned around. "Yeah?"
"Don't take this for more than face value, but…if I ever run into any girls who are in the market for a really unique relationship, I'll tell them that I know this great, seriously buff guy – not conventionally good looking, but really hot in his own way. "
Raph's eyebrows skyrocketed. "Very funny."
"I'm serious, Raph. Just because I don't have a crush on you doesn't mean I'm blind."
Raph felt himself blush. "Yeah…well, you'd have to be not to notice all of this."
"See you tomorrow."
Raph waved and climbed out of the window. As he ran home, his leaps across the rooftops were more confident and joyful than ever before.
Everything was simple again. Perfect.
By stepping so far out of element, he found that he'd stepped his way right back into it.
The End
Author's note: Thanks for reading, everyone! I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it!