Warning: Foul language involved in this; I shouldn't even be writing such things but... I was led to do it when recounting the events of Filch and Norris. Please; if you're very easily offended by such swears. Don't read. Muggles. You wouldn't understand.
None would have heard such foul language as to what came from Filch's mouth the moment he found Mrs. Norris. Not even Mrs. Norris would tolerate such rubbish. If one only knew what a cat would say if it could speak...
Mrs. Norris knew then that it was time for attack; Filch crept low, around the statue she, herself crouched low on. It was only a matter of seconds before... 'ATTTTTAAAAAAAACCCKKK!' she screamed in her mind, as she let out one loud hiss and screech. Her inner mad Puss-in-boots leapt through her, as she pounced, her legs stretched out, her sharp claws struck out as much as they could. She was in perfect width to Filch's back as she fell, ninja-cat style. Her mouth wide open, her teeth seemed to have lengthened from their gums. To anyone who saw her, they would swear Filch was dealing with a feral cat, with her half-sopping wet fur. She landed on Filch's back, her claws tore through his shirt, penetrating deep into his skin. 'KILL THE EVIL WITHIN!' she thought, though Filch heard nothing more than a fierce screech, 'BRING MY MASTER BACK! YOU... YOU MADLY INSANE COULDRON BUM, SON OF A BANSHEE, SWISH AND FLICKER, VOLDEMORT'S NIPPLE, DRAGON BOGEYS, EXPECTO PATRONADS, RABBLE ROUSERS, JIGGERY POKERY, BLAST-ENDED SKANK, BROOMHEAD, HAGRID'S BUTTCRACK, LEPRECHAUN TAIT, UNICORN TURDS, MUGGLEFUCKING TROLL, TROLLFUCKING JEN, FLOBBY-WANDED DEMENTOR BOGGERER, DOBBY'S SOCK!' she couldn't control her mind; she, herself was shocked by the foul language she had just called him. He deserved every bit of it though.
As the claws dug into Filch's back, he screamed, flailing his arms, "YAAAAAAARRRR, GERROF ME!" he fell to the ground, from his crouched position and rolled around, "MRS. NORRIS! GERROFF!" he yelled, trying to throw her off him. His anger grew; he couldn't control it. He never thought he would call Mrs. Norris; his beloved cat, the words he was about to call her... but he did. "YOUR MOTHER IS A *****ING ****** LAURA MIMSUM ******** ADMINVENIUM ************** TRAGOOLAW ******* HIPPOTAMUS ************* REPUBLICAN **************** AND DANIEL RADCLIFFE***************** WITH A BUCKET OF **************** AND A CASTLE FAR AWAY WHERE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU ********************** SO UP ************ WITH A BUCKET OF ************** MICKEY MOUSE ************* AND A STICK OF DYNAMITE******* MAGICAL *********** ALAKAZAM!"
'DON'T USE SUCH PROFANITY ON ME!' Mrs. Norris raged in her mind. If only Filch could understand her. "BREEEEEEEEOOOOOWWWWW-OOOOOOOWWW!" her screams were loud in Filch's ears; he knew enough to know she now meant business. She jumped off Filch and landed herself back on top of the statue.
Filch shook with rage as he looked up at her, "STAY THERE THEN! DO WHAT YOU LIKE! STAY THERE!" he spat, jumping frantically in anger, his arms flailing about. He looked like a complete lunatic.
'FINE I WILL!' she hissed at him. It was then that Filch's spit landed on her, 'EWW YOUR GERMS! I WOULD RATHER BE KISSED BY VOLDEMORT!' her mind spat as she wiped her face frantically with her paw.
Filch gave up for a while and hobbled away, towards the door. When he reached it, he realized he couldn't leave her there. A few seconds later, he found himself hobbling back to her, "I miss you dearie... please come down." he begged; his voice had never been as sincere as it was now. He looked up at her. He stood in the same place he was when she leapt on him, looking up at her. He begged, apparently sweetly; although he looked like a zombie crossed with a skeleton that had been hacked to pieces and somehow survived-type thing.
'DON'T LOOK AT ME THAT WAY!' Mrs. Norris hissed and spat at the hideously scary looking creature that stood below her. 'I wouldn't mind being away from you, with your face like that... I can't believe I just realized how scary you are... you were always ugly... but THIS is just scary!' One more smile from Filch caused her to rear up and leap off the statue. She fled through the door, half-opened by Filch when he almost left her on the statue. "REEEEOOOOWWW!" she screeched loudly as she fled.
"Mrs. Norris... look, we're fighting like a married couple..." Filch heard a louder screech. Mrs. Norris apparently fled quicker upon hearing his word, "COME BACK DEARIE!" Filch yelled desperately and hobbled after her, a lot slower this time; he was tired from chasing her all day.
Mrs. Norris caught Filch's last words and ran as quick as she could, 'A MARRIED COUPLE? WHAT'S IN HIS MIND NOW!' she spat once more, unable to handle the torturous images in her mind. "REEEEEEEEOOOWWW!" she screeched and fled through another door. She looked around and realized she was in the library. Quickly she leapt onto the highest shelf she could find, books crashed to the floor as she climbed higher. Once she reached the top shelf, he hid under a half-opened book that she'd knocked over as the others fell. She felt she was in a small house as the face-down, opened book covered her.
Filch looked around a corner for her, "Mrs. Norris...? Are ya in here, my sweet? No? Where are ya? Are ya hungry, dear?" he asked her sweetly.
'A STALK I TELL YA! HE'S A DOWNRIGHT STALK... or whatever it's called!' she snapped in her mind; letting out another loud screech. She crept out of her hiding and hid further behind a few more books. She only just realized how much shelf she had when she screamed again, "BREEEEEOOOOWW!" she scratched at the top of the shelf, as she tried to scratch herself back onto the shelf, more books fell as she scratched the top of the shelf with her back and front paws, kicking at the back edge of the shelf.