Disclaimer – as ever- the characters do not belong to me and I make no money from the writing.
Just general thanks for feedback this time – thank you so much, everyone. Your encouragement is invaluable.
It is dark now. We have lit all the candles in Estel's room since he will not rest, and now we sit with him and talk, waiting till he is too tired to resist sleep any longer. He sits cross legged on the bed in his nightshirt, and all the candles appear to me to do is throw more shadows on his face.
I am telling him the story of the tree which leans over the west courtyard, shading the paved area now. He asks me how long ago it was planted, and I say I might have to ask it since I have forgotten.
He looks at me curiously, as if he is unsure whether I am joking. "Is that something I will learn to do?" he asks. "Will they speak to me? Could I have spoken to Ruby and prevented him from defending me?"
Elladan moves behind the boy, sitting on the bed and letting Estel lean back against his shoulder. Candlelight now makes the sharp angles of his face even sharper. He is in pain but he says nothing, only waits for my answer.
"He has – he had a free will, Estel. He chose to defend you. You must not wear yourself out thinking over what has happened. You must rest."
He sighs. I know I have not given him the answer he wants, yet I cannot say more. I have promised myself and others that he shall not know his true heritage until he is of an age to understand what it means. Yet I could use the lesson of his horse's sacrifice to teach him about the way others will lay down their lives for him, unbidden, and he will have to accept that as their choice.
"What are you thinking about, Papa?" he asks, impatient for a better reply.
"I am considering whether to give you some of your favourite headache cure and order you to bed for two days. You are a stubborn boy, Estel."
He rewards my attempt to distract him with a faint smile. But I notice he has grown sleepy in the security of his brother's embrace, and he is looking less stubborn by the moment. I look at Elladan and he nods, moving back across the bed and drawing Estel with him. The boy protests mildly but is soon lying on his side snoring gently.
Elrohir begins to snuff the candles while I clear the bowls and cloths from his bedside table. Elladan stands by his brother, making sure Estel is comfortable. We leave him to sleep through his troubles.
It takes two days for him to come back to something like himself. Then I know I must talk to him about at least a few of the many matters which have disturbed me since I heard what happened.
I found him in the garden, sitting on a bench feeding some small birds which were alighting on his hand. He can be so patient that they have learned to trust him. He looks up suddenly as I walk over to him, and his sudden movement scatters them all. They perch in a tree nearby and seem to talk among themselves.
"Are you feeling better?" I ask, resisting the temptation to put my hand on his forehead. He has had no fever but better to be too careful.
"Yes, Papa," he replies, though doubtfully. "That is, I feel better than I did."
"Good," I say, smiling at his pedantry. "Are you willing to talk to me about something that has puzzled me?"
He looks down and begins to scuff at the grass. One moment he feeds my birds, the next he destroys the greensward.
"Yes, Father," he says, both duty and reluctance in his voice.
I cannot talk gently about this. It is important I discover what he meant. "Estel. When you first came to me after – after the accident, you said you had killed Ruby. Yet in the story I was told, it was clear you did no such thing. Tell me, why did you think it was so?"
He does not answer. He does not even seem to have heard the question. I wait, then lay my hand on his arm. "Do you not wish to talk about this yet, my son? Shall I leave you?"
"No!" he says, turning to me. "Do not leave me alone! I cannot answer your question but – I wish you to stay."
So I do, ignoring other matters which need my attention. We sit in the sunshine, and talk of many things, but not of his horse, or the question he cannot yet answer.
After a while, the birds return, and we feed them together. I teach him the names of two he has not seen before, and tell him where they nest, and of the great journey they make each year to visit us.
He says, "Father. Do you know everything there is to know?"
I smile. It is growing a little chilly now. "It is time to go inside. You must eat something, for you slept long and have not broken your fast. Are you truly ready to say farewell to Ruby so soon? He has been buried in state, and his grave is not yet dressed. Will you not wait until next week, at least?"
"No. No – I will go there tomorrow. I wish to know where he is. He can give me answers, I think. Perhaps he can. I hope so."
I take him by the hand and lead him indoors. I hope, too, that he will be able to settle his mind into some answers, for he is not eating well and becoming tired too quickly. I shall give him a sleeping draught tonight to keep away the night terrors, and in the morning we shall see if saying farewell to his horse solves the puzzles that are preoccupying him.
I want my untroubled boy to return to me, if he can find the way back.