I really had no idea how to start this chapter…so to start, I'm doing this author's note BEFORE the whole chapter. I'm going to sit down and just type the chapter, and hope something interesting comes out, and then I'm going to send it to aphrodite931 for her beta-ing, and…that's probably when the chapter will get good. Haha. Really, at the moment…little inspiration. Very little. But I'm going to try!

So, I'll start typing that now…

OKAY. So a week later, I end up with this; none of it completely beta'd and the biggest part of the chapter based on a suggestion by my lovely beta (mentioned above). If she has a few minutes at some point in time, maybe she can make some more magic happen, and I'll ask you to re-read the chapter…but if not, this is what you get. I hope it will work!

USHA chapter 10 is here.

I woke up before the sun even came up, my eyes swollen from the previous night's tears. The sheets were tangled around me, twisted so badly that it took several long minutes to extricate myself from their hold. When that was done, I sidled into the bathroom and took a quick shower, taking care to wash my face well, to rid my features of the red, blotchy remnants of crying. My daily routines then were honored; I had to put in my contacts and secure my wig over the blonde locks I so missed. Once done with those, I went through the other boring motions of the morning, which included ensuring that the style of my wig was as I liked it and brushing my teeth.

I was trying to restore my sense of normalcy as Layla Heart, attempting in vain to push aside the hurt I'd heard in Natsu's voice last night as I fled from him.

Why can't I forget?

Even taking several deep, calming breaths wasn't enough, but moving around and doing something seemed to help. Just a little. I couldn't really remember a time where I'd had this much trouble calling my Layla persona back, but I continued the struggle. I made the bed, even though I knew that the staff would change them as soon as I left in a few hours, and I caved to an impulse and straightened the painting on the wall. My mind was momentarily suspended, and I was doing my best to keep it blank for a little while.

After nearly an hour of this restlessness, I forced myself to stop and sit down. And then I forced myself to remember the events of yesterday, and to embrace them. I had to do it, or I'd completely shatter next time I saw my old nakama. It didn't matter how much it hurt me right now; what mattered was that I try to get over it so I didn't completely unveil myself next time I ran into them. I had no doubt that I'd run into them again. It was a perk_or was it a downside?_of choosing to follow them.

I chose to see it as a perk after such a long time without having my friends nearby.

Calm down, Lucy Heartfilia, I scolded myself silently. You've just insulted the intelligence of your friends, basically told two of them that you're dead, and you can't help yourself around them. Get a hold on yourself!

Easier said than done…but it was manageable.

After two painstaking hours of drilling myself into numbness at the memory of those events, I was ready. Ready even for an encounter with the whole group, and a confrontation about the horrible things that I'd said to them. Or as ready as I was ever going to be, feeling numb and empty at the realizations I'd forced upon myself. The notion that even if they were looking for me, they'd never find out that it was me they were trying to find, and that I couldn't slip up because, if I did, the last three years of painstakingly changing my attitude and demeanor would be for nothing. It hurt so badly to keep secrets from them, but I wasn't going to let them find out who I was now. Not after I'd said such hurtful things to all of them.

Why did it hurt them so much to be protected from the pain?

I sighed and packed my few belongings into my one bag. It didn't take very long, and I hiked it up over my shoulder and headed out after casting one more cursory glance in the mirror that hung on the wall. Everything was in order, and so I left, checking out and making the trek towards the edge of town. There was a prickling at the back of my neck, and I took it as a bad sign, so I had to get out of earshot, and quick.

Maybe it was a little paranoid to peek around corners, or pause and listen for shouting and rioting, before turning onto a new street…but I couldn't help myself. I steeled myself against the pain of seeing them again (and the pain that their eyes would probably show upon seeing me), but I still wanted to postpone that particular encounter for a while. Maybe until I…I don't know anymore. Perhaps I'll throw myself in front of an attack that will kill them, and they find out it's me right as I breathe my dying breaths? Unlikely. I'm still a coward at heart.

Ouch. Admitting that I was a coward was a low blow. And I'd dealt it to myself.

A sound akin to an electric shock sounded, and I jumped when a spark of yellow magical energy jumped from my shoulder to my elbow before fading. In pure disbelief, I stood rooted to the spot whilst staring at the place that the spark had been. Never before now had I actually seen evidence of a soon-to-be attack like this, and I was perplexed. A tingling sensation on the whole side of my body jerked my numbed mind into awareness, and I ripped myself out of my thoughts and looked around. The bustling of the harbor town was normal, and in my quick glance I spied none of those I was wary about, so I bolted.

I didn't apologize to the fruit vendor whose booth lost a few apples as I ran by; nor to the fraud jeweler; nor the fish vendor. I just ran. I could hear the rush of my blood in my ears, and the sounds of indignant shouts as I shoved people aside in my dash for the outskirts of town sounded as though they were far away. I was forced onward by adrenaline; nothing was capable of stopping me at the moment. I had to get away from innocent citizens before the explosion racked my form, or who knew how many of them would be hurt or, heaven forbid, killed?

It seemed to take forever, but the crowds thinned and I stopped barreling over or through people to get away, merely occasionally bumping a shoulder. A few streets later, and I ran into no one as I fled. The city limit passed beneath my feet, and another spark passed from hip to collarbone, and I kept running. As I leapt a small creek, nothing more than a trickle of water, a spark kind of spiraled up my left arm. I was spurred to a greater speed.

Finally, after about ten minutes of sprinting, I deemed myself far enough out of town. I dropped my bag and rushed away from it, nearly stumbling. Once I was a good thirty yards away from where I'd dropped my bag, I let the rapidly building energy out in a powerful burst that knocked me to my knees much quicker than most of them did. A strangled shout escaped my lips and I curled over and forced my forehead against the ground in the fetal position, or very near to it. I heard some clothing somewhere rip, but I was too focused on the pain to really notice where. I wanted to scream, yet I wanted to stay silent. I bit my lip, but tasted coppery blood and released it.

The power flickered, and nearly died, so I forced myself to my feet. I thought the worst part was past, but I had no idea that it was yet to come.

I took three or four pained steps before the power released once again, not even knocking me to my knees but knocking me flat out on the ground. I sprawled on my front, unable to stifle the scream that emitted, high-pitched and bloodcurdling. It seemed to have no end; ceaselessly, the golden magic pummeled me, cut me, and suffocated me. For what seemed like a frightening eternity, I thought I was going to die. This attack was the end of me, I was sure of it.

I was even more sure of it when everything started to go dark around me.

The energetic boy in front of me was impatiently waving me forward, but I ignored him in favor of examining my surroundings. This city…so this was what Magnolia looked like? It was more than I could have dreamed! The smell of the bakery around the corner was tantalizing and mouth-watering, but I turned my eyes to the windows of a nearby flower store, where all of my favorite flowers were displayed in vast array of colors and sizes.

"Keep staring like that, and something will fly in your mouth!" the pink-haired Salamander said, tugging at my arm relentlessly. "C'mon, you wanted to join the guild, didn't you?"

"Yes!"

Perhaps I was overenthusiastic with my agreement, but he didn't even seem to notice. Or maybe he was just as enthusiastic as I was, because that grin was almost as wide as his entire face.

It was kind of cute.

I shook my head, finally giving in and letting myself be dragged along the street. I complained to the famous Fairy Tail mage as he sped up and I nearly tumbled head over heels, but he just laughed at me. He got impatient once more when I stopped outside of a fair sized book store and stared up at it, asking me what was so interesting. I slapped a hand over his mouth as I let my eyes take in the sight. I memorized the number and the street name, so I could come back later, and then removed my hand from the irritated guy's mouth.

"Sorry, Natsu. You wouldn't understand," I said, shrugging.

"Whatever!" he said, brushing aside my halfhearted insult and grabbing my wrist again. "C'mon!"

"Aye!"

I let him pull me along a while longer with Happy the flying blue cat flying above us while also stifling my giggle. For some reason, even though I had just met them, I was already strongly attached to this cheerful guy and his strange pet. It was a strange sort of bond that I couldn't quite explain, even in my own mind. We were like kindred spirits, though I knew nothing of his past except for his claim that he'd been raised by a fire dragon named Igneel, and he knew nothing of mine except that I didn't want to go back and I'd had a fascination with his guild for quite a while.

Maybe I'd never know why, I told myself, but I hadn't even seen the guild and I never wanted to leave it. Even if it didn't meet all the expectations I had of it, my dream guild, I never wanted to abandon this happy-go-lucky duo.

After all that had happened to Fairy Tail because of me, because of my stupid father, they still wanted me there? It had to be a joke! I'd barely been there for any amount of time, and yet they already considered me a part of their close-knit family. I felt like an intruder in their midst, a bad egg just bringing misfortune upon them. But they didn't see me that way. But isn't that what I was?

Yet I couldn't bear to leave them–was that selfish of me?

Yes. Yes, it was undeniably selfish. But how could anyone bring themselves to leave a place that had become a home to them? I didn't think I'd ever understand it. I could leave my childhood 'home', because without my mother it was no home at all, but how could anyone leave a home like this while they still thought of it as such?

Perhaps the guild of my dreams had let me down at first. It was nothing but a huge group of brawling, drinking, shouting, stripping, name-calling, violence-oriented idiots…but I loved them all. I never wanted to see them hurt because of me. Which is why I went back to my father's house and told him that I was Lucy of Fairy Tail and would not turn back. The only reason I'd gone to see my father was to tell him as much, and yet my new nakama had misinterpreted my intentions.

I found them running towards the mansion as I said goodbye to my mother one more time. Happy said Natsu had cried, and he denied it, and I couldn't help it. I laughed and cried all at once, and it was then that I promised to myself I wouldn't leave them if I could help it. I wouldn't cause them the same pain that so many others had. I knew they all had some sort of issues with abandonment, and I knew that deep down, I did too. I just didn't show it quite as much.

No. I wouldn't leave them.

Gray's past…worse than I had expected. He didn't just feel abandoned somewhere deep inside–he felt as though he'd been the one to kill his teacher, even if she wasn't truly dead. He blamed himself. And I couldn't reach out and tell him that it wasn't his fault at all, that he had almost been like a son to Ur, and I didn't know why. But it wasn't is fault.

And Erza. Sweet, intimidating, and gorgeous Erza. Betrayed and cast out by her dearest of friends, though at the time she didn't know their leader was possessed. Those who called her 'sister' had cast her away without a second thought, and she had been broken. Fairy Tail helped her through that.

Natsu. Of course it always comes back to Natsu, and his foster father Igneel. For the dragonslayer had, indeed, been raised by a dragon, because so had Gajeel and Wendy, and if three people said as much then it must be true…right? All of them had fears of being left, but Natsu's were the easiest for me to see. He grew attached to his nakama within just a short amount of time. Sure, he and Gray would bite each other's heads off and fight, but they were the best of friends. Only someone in Fairy Tail could see as much. He seemed so happy, yet I knew he wasn't. he was brooding often, and I just wanted to reach out to him. I didn't know how.

Then there was me. I didn't know what it was about these people that made my heart ache so. Their bravery? Their undying loyalty to each other and the guild in the face of any danger? Whatever it was, I knew it would be hard for me to ever leave them. Not that I thought I'd ever want to, but if there was something that forced me to leave, I wasn't sure I could do it.

Collapsed in a heap, I sobbed brokenly into the carpeted floor of my apartment. This condition, this 'Magical Overflow'…it had ruined me. My life. Did my entire existence really mean so little, that just tapping into my full potential would eventually take my life? When I finally could be the strong mage I had wanted to be, and help my teammates out on missions…I would be killing myself every time I used my magic. I would tear myself from my nakama in the worst and most permanent way possible, and I didn't want that. But the alternative…it hurt too, yet right now it seemed the only option.

I would flee. I had to. It would hurt them, I knew, but wouldn't it hurt me more?

Gray–I'd be sorry to leave him behind. Really, I would, but what if he found a way to blame himself for my death, just as he had blamed himself for Ur's use of Iced Shell and subsequent near death existence.

Erza. She would blame herself, I was sure. She'd beat herself up for not finding something she could do to help. My sweet but highly vicious female comrade…I would miss her so, even if she sometimes scared the living daylights out of me.

Happy would probably cry, and if I could see those tears I would cry, too.

Everyone…would they feel I'd betrayed them, or would they feel that they just weren't good enough to keep me there? Would they hate me for the rest of their lives? Or would they eventually find forgiveness and tell themselves that I had to have had some kind of reason to leave them without even a goodbye?

But then there was Natsu. There was always Natsu, and in my heart I knew there would always be a Natsu. Even when I was on the verge of dying, of breaking down, there would always be a pink-haired dragonslayer in the back of my mind. I knew he'd blame himself, even more than the others. He would feel abandoned; would he hate me for a while, or forever? I never wanted to bring the pain of abandonment on him again, but wouldn't that be better than the nagging though of, How long does Luce have left now? or something like that. I didn't want him, or any of them, to feel that. To have to watch me waste away and be unable to help.

It would hurt so much. Too much.

I tried to tell myself it would hurt me more, and I did for the next year or two. But deep down, no matter how I changed, I would never grow to believe it.

Waking up was hard. Like swimming through a pool filled with mud and trying to reach the other side before the sludge pulled me under and suffocated me. There was pain beating down on me from everywhere, making breathing difficult. Grass prickled against the back of my neck, and slowly I realized that there were wet streaks on my face. In the throes of the darkness, in my dreams that were memories, I had been crying. The salty taste on my lips proved it. Even more slowly came the realization that I was laying on my back.

Didn't I black out after falling forward? was the question that entered my groggy mind. After some thought, I decided that yes, I had fallen forward. So then the next logical question would be how did I end up on my back?

I didn't know.

My senses were slow to return to me. The only thing that was constant was the screaming of every muscle of my body. Every limb cried out in agony, sending frantic messages to my brain, trying to overpower me with their endless cacophony of anguished wails. My head ached from the sensation, but I struggled to find some form of cognizance. I became aware of a warmth draped over me, like a blanket or a jacket or something, and a soft cushion beneath me. Had someone found me in my pitiful state? Had it been them?

I desperately hoped not; but then again, I hoped it had been.

Unbidden, a groan rose from my lips. It was soft, and I had heard it, and so I focused on my sense of hearing next. I could feel things again; could I hear everything? There was a breeze, rustling through the leaves of the trees. So I was still in the woods. A warmth caressed me from the left, and I heard crackling, like a fire. A wet cloth on my forehead attempted to soothe me, but it was not much help.

Who found me? I wanted to ask. But I kind of didn't want to know, either.

"…so weak. Will she wake up?" a woman's voice came.

"She should. I think she's stable for now," a second feminine voice announced softly.

"She's lucky that we could get out before she was killed," said a fierce male voice. "If Horologium hadn't been able to shelter her from that last…"

He trailed off.

Voices! But whose? They were familiar, but sounded as though they were coming from far, far away. As if from a distant memory, but I knew it wasn't the case. I knew, with a strange certainty, that the voices were talking about me.

"She's been a fool," a sharp voice said, and a sloshing sound was heard. Water?

"Do not be so quick to judge," another voice snapped. Why did it make me think of white fur and sunglasses?

"I agree with her," said another.

Oh, no.

How were they here? I thought they were gone from me for good, yet there they were, somewhere beyond the fire, and talking about me! Had they come and made me comfortable? Tended my wounds? Did their best to make me comfortable and quicken the healing process, even after what I had done to them all? I had been such a cruel person, and yet…

"Puu-puun," an almost childish voice came, sadly.

Plue.

"She'll be fine!" the second voice snapped, then sighed and said, "I'm sorry for being mean, Plue. Don't look at me like that."

"Leo–"

"You know it's Loke now, Aries," he scolded gently. "I got used to it at the guild, and being called 'Leo' right now still reminds me of things I don't want to remember. Not yet."

"We're not talking about your stupid name preferences, you stupid lion," snorted the condescending feminine voice, and I recognized my dear, violent Aquarius. "We're talking about Lucy and how she's been such an idiot!"

"There's nothing we can do about it when she doesn't want to summon us now!" Loke retorted, a twinge of pain, regret, and sadness in his tone as well as a little bit of irritation with the water bearer. "She can hold us all back when she's in her right mind, without even consciously thinking about it! Even when we all try to summon ourselves at the same time. What do you propose we do?"

"Threaten her," came the answer I had almost expected.

"You already tried that!" came one voice, either Gemi or Mini.

And the other, "It didn't work!"

My spirits, I inwardly groaned. In my weakened state, they had all been able to come out. What was I going to do? I couldn't pretend to be asleep forever. I needed food, and I needed water, and I needed to contain them once more.

"Princess is very brave in ways, I think," said Virgo's voice, and she was closer to me. I felt the cloth lift from my forehead, and knew then that she was tending me. "But can be foolish in others. I know I should be punished for saying such things, but it is what I think."

"She would cause herself pain to save her comrades from it," came Capricorn's voice again. "Of course she is very brave."

"But foolish," came Scorpio's tones, agreeing with Aquarius as he had when I first began to understand the words, "in many ways. She knows that they would rather be with her in her last days than lose her without even knowing it, and yet…"

I became aware of a song. Heart-wrenching, painful…exactly what I was feeling inside of me at every waking minute of every day since I had left my nakama at Fairy Tail behind me.

Lyra.

I can't take this anymore!

"I'm…sorry…" my voice was a hoarse sound. Tears were once more pouring, warm and salty, down my cheeks. "I'm…sorry…I'm such a fool!"

"Lucy!"

"Princess!"

I heard the wet cloth land with a squelch on the ground beside me as footsteps pounded the ground. They all were rushing to me, and I fought with my eyelids for a moment before I could actually open my eyes and look upon the celestial spirits I had long missed. Being parted from them hurt almost as much as being apart from my comrades at Fairy Tail, but still I deprived myself of their company. My attacks could hurt even their celestial selves; what would I do if they had ended up dead because of me?

"Lucy!"

The one who should be mad at me the most out of those present crouched down beside me, vibrant orange hair blocking out the trees above. He wore no glasses, and I didn't know if he just hadn't replaced the last pair or if he left them in their world.

"Horologium…how is he? You said he saved me?" I managed to say, wincing at the scratchiness of my throat and squeezing my eyes closed for a few moments. A bit of cool water was trickled down my throat and I opened my eyes to see the enraged water bearer glaring down at me. Despite her anger, I could tell she was worried. It was she who answered.

"He's recovering in our world."

"Is he hurt badly?" I dreaded the answer. Was it nearly fatal to him? I hoped not; Horologium was such a brave, brave spirit for doing such a thing. And when he saved Wendy from Hades all that time ago…he had such a kind heart.

"Not too badly," Aries' shy voice came as she brushed some of my hair–my real blonde hair–from my face. "He'll be fine with a few days of rest. You should rest too."

"I can't," I said, closing my eyes against their worried faces. Why did they have to turn such expressions on me? They were as bad as my old teammates, showing me their new repertoire of emotions and actions. "Please don't do this to me, not now…"

"Lucy," came Capricorn's voice, sternly. I turned my head aside.

"Princess, you must rest or you will not heal," said Virgo firmly, turning my head back so that I opened my eyes. "Punish me later if you will, but you must rest."

"Loke, you're on duty first," said Aquarius, rolling her shoulders. "We'll be draining on her magic power even though we summoned ourselves, so we'll take turns making sure she rests."

"Don't–" I began to protest, trying to sit up. Several pairs of hands pushed me back down within a span of a few seconds, and many stern looks and headshakes were directed at me. My heart was breaking into a million pieces. Seeing them here with me for the first time in so long had really begun to take a toll on me, and I was still in tears. The emotional strain was just as bad as seeing my team and being cruel to my team had been.

"Rest," ordered Aquarius as she stood tall above me–sort of. Her tail was within her vase, a telltale slosh emitting from the vessel. Scorpio stood up beside her, a stern expression on his features as he nodded in agreement with his girlfriend. Gemi and Mini voiced their agreement, much like Bixlow's little dolls would have done. They disappeared with a 'poof' shortly after, though the others went back more slowly. Aries was the last to leave, brushing my blonde locks from my forehead again as she repeated Aquarius' instruction.

It left me there with Loke. One of those that had been hurt most by this condition that I was victim of, aside from my teammates. The one who was a friend, not an enemy, who had actually felt the force behind my attacks. And that had been when they were weaker–much weaker–than they were now.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered to him, staring up at the sky. How long had the stars been twinkling above me? Stars that included my celestial spirits as well as those in the heavens, perhaps even including my Mama. "I really am. For everything."

"You can't help the condition you have, Lucy," said the lion, "but you can change how you treat it. How you act. You can stop hiding who you are."

"I can't," my voice was even softer than before.

"You should," he retorted, then sighed. "Everyone cares about you, Lucy. Everyone. Erza, Gray, Happy, Natsu…" he paused, examining my face for the reaction I gave at hearing their names. He was not disappointed, as I winced and tears rolled even more freely down my cheeks. "It's getting harder for you to hide behind all of your façades. You should just tell them, Lucy."

"I told you that I can't!" I cried in a low voice. "What more do you want from me, Loke?"

"I don't want anything from you, Lucy. I just want you to tell the people who mean the most to you who you really are behind those blue eyes and that black wig. Explain to them why you ran away. They will understand."

"Of course they'll understand," I closed my eyes, my tone wistful. "They're always understanding. Too understanding. They always have been. Whatever I do, whatever the consequences, they'll always forgive. Everyone will. They trust too much."

"Lucy."

"Don't you understand why I don't want to tell them? It's the exact same reason you never told anyone who and what you really are. If you told, they would have gone to any lengths in order to save you. You didn't want that. It's the same with me! I didn't want them to waste months of their lives away–years, even!–in a vain attempt to save me. It won't work! I'm on Death's doorstep now, can't you see? Telling them would only hurt them more now than it would have then. I can't do it."

"You're being a selfish coward!"

His voice was annoyed, but also had an edge to it. And edge of anger and regret, and I knew I'd touched a nerve. Now he was just trying to goad me into a confession, and I could not succumb to that. Not now.

"I don't want to hurt them," was the insistent answer that I gave him.

A sigh on his behalf was the last sound of our conversation, and it hung in the still night hair for long minutes on end. The silence remained for the half hour it took for my exhaustion to creep in and lull me to sleep.

So, I apologize for the lateness, and I also apologize if this isn't up to snuff. I bypassed sending this to my beta for final edits due to some difficulties on her side, so I may have to, once again, tell you to go back and re-read this chapter at the beginning of the next one. I haven't done that since like, chapter 2, so please bear with me!

Again, sorry for the lateness, and I hope this will at least suffice, if not fully satisfy.