Impossible to Forget

When it was over, I couldn't take my eyes off the screen. Tears were Rolling down and I couldn't help it. I didn't know what to think, there were a thousand things going through my mind, her words and her face were still echoing in my head, I had to get some air, I left the room and went downstairs, I had to get out… I heard Andrew asking...

"What's going on, David?"

I didn't answer, I opened the door and left. I wandered for a while, I still didn't know what to think, all I could hear was her voice… I sat on the sidewalk, and hid my face between my hands. I was totally lost, it was a lot to think… by her expression, I could tell that she really meant every word, I knew when she was not being honest… and she had never been so honest. She had basically said that she knew she had hurt me, that she was sorry, loved me, and knew she didn't deserve me. And she had left… and I caught myself wanting to go after her, talk more… but I couldn't be weak, she had slept with my brother, I wouldn't forget that, I couldn't forget, couldn't forgive! I knew I had to be firm, but at the same time, I wanted to talk to her… I wondered if she really had gone to NY or if she was bluffing… I went to her house, just Matt's car was in the garage, I rang the doorbell a lot of times, but nobody answered.

I wandered again, my head was about to explode... Her voice was still in my head...

...only now I can see how unfair I was with you, and how I made you suffer not once, but many times, and you, more than anybody, don't deserve that… Actually, I realized I don't deserve you...

…after everything you told me, I could see myself better, see how wrong I was all this time, I always put myself before you…

…losing you made me see that what I feel is much bigger than I imagined…

Don't forget it.

How could I? The truth is, I was angry with myself because as much as I had tried, I couldn't take her out of my mind, not even for a second, and she would be there for a long time… I didn't know what to do, I wanted to talk to her, but I didn't know if I should… I wanted to talk to someone, but I didn't know who… the 2 obvious choices would be Andrew and Matt, but things were still awkward between Matt and me, and he wasn't the best person to discuss this with… and I didn't know exactly what my situation with Matt was, and he wasn't home either… I didn't know who to talk to…

I came back home after a while, took a shower, lay down and watched the video a few more times, and I wanted more and more to see her, I had to keep myself from catching a plane to NY... I had to remind myself a lot of times that I HAD to be mad at her…

I was awake for hours, thinking about all of that… I woke up next day without even knowing when exactly I had fallen asleep, it was almost noon. I changed and went to Anne's, I wanted to see if she had really gone. I knocked, their mother answered.

"Hi Ellen... is Anne here?"

She seemed surprised.

"No, David... Anne is in New York, I thought you knew!"

So it was really true...

"Yeah, I did... I just thought she might not have gone..."

"She went yesterday."

Damn. But Matt's car was in the garage.

"Is Matt here? Can I talk to him?"

"He's not here either... Matt went to Chicago to see Rachel, they went together yesterday."

"And when does he come back? He will come back, right?"

"Yes, he'll be back in a week.".

"Thanks, Ellen!"

I had to talk to someone, otherwise I'd go crazy... I got my cell and called Andy, he told me to drop by. When I got there, he looked at me with his eyes widened.

"Gee man, you look awful."

"I need to talk to someone, Andy."

"Sit down, let's talk."

I told him everything, he already knew the beginning, I told about the video, everything Anne had said, and that it had affected me…

"I don't know what to do Andy, I admit it, I want to be with her, but I can't forget what she did... I told her I'd never forgive her... and besides, she's in New York now, I'm lost man..."

He thought for a second before speaking.

"Look Dave… the situation is complicated, I'd be lost too… you know what I'd do?"

"That's why I'm here."

He laughed.

"I'd go to New York to talk to her. Because the only time you talked after what happened, you were very nervous because it was very recent, and of course there was a fight… but now, after a few weeks, I guess you can talk better, you can ask her reasons to have done that, and then figure out what to do…"

I thought for a few moments and saw he was right, I'd go to NY to talk to Anne... I didn't intend to get back together with her, but things could be calmer… despite of everything, I missed being her friend, I couldn't help it, it was a friendship of a lifetime.

I was planning to go to NY in a week, but 2 days later I got a phone call that changed my plans. Kendra, Adam's wife (my other brother), called me to say he was not doing very well. He had brain cancer for years, and sometimes he was bad but then he got better, but I was always scared. I hope that would be one of those times, but I had to postpone my plans of going to New York, I had to be with my brother.

...

This time it was different. Adam was different, I couldn't tell exactly why, but there was something. I was terrified, more than ever. The feeling was not good. Since I didn't have much else to do, I decided to stay with Adam most of the time, I barely left his house. I felt he also knew something was different, but I was afraid to ask, he was acting normally. But he barely left his bed anymore, he was thinner and paler. He got a little worse every day, but I pretended not to see it.

About 2 weeks later, Adam got really worst, and had to be hospitalized. I got desperate, I knew it was serious, but I didn't want to believe… I'd rather think he'd be fine again, like the other times... and in the middle of my desperation, I caught myself wanting Anne by my side… he was always there when Adam got worst, and she'd hold me saying that everything would be okay… now, there was an emptiness… and in the middle of all those feelings, I was angry with myself, for wanting Anne there…

I was in the hospital, when an unexpected visitor arrived.

"Kelly? What are you doing here?"

Kelly, my ex. She came to me and kissed me on the cheek.

"Hi David... I'm sorry to show up like this, but I called your mom, just to see how things were, and she told me about Adam… I was worried, and came to see how you're doing…"

I knew Kelly always liked Adam. I was glad she came, we rarely spoke, but we had broke up without traumas. I told her he was not doing okay, and she went to see him.

Kelly showed up almost everyday, if not on the hospital, in my house, to hear from him. And it was inevitable, we got close again, we talked a lot, specially about him, and I was surprised, I really liked talking to her. I even thought that "emptiness" I was feeling could be filled by her. But no matter how hard I tried, it was still there. And it seemed bigger every day. I was really an idiot.