WAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
Just, WAAAAAAAAAAH.
You guys have waited two months (tomorrow it will be two months) and I never meant for it to take so long! You have no idea how severe my writer's block for this chapter was. It got to where I was sick of looking at the chapter because of how stuck I was and even my lovely beta (who is amazing despite the fact she probably halfway blames herself for the lateness when it's not her fault) - as I was saying, even my lovely beta couldn't even think of ideas.
When I finally sat down and reread it, I realized there were places I could add a few things. It makes me feel like I've grown as a writer in the last two months. Haha.
Aside from that, everything that's happened in the last few chapters of the manga has really taken a toll on my sanity. BUT…I'll survive. So let's move on to the newest chapter, yes? Because we all know you've been waiting way too long.
Here is Until She's Home Again chapter 11; enjoy. Maybe.
Gemi and Mini…I hope you guys aren't mad at me for this. But I have to do it, so I hope you understand.
It had been roughly twelve hours since I had woken to find my celestial spirits around me for the first time in months. My caretakers had switched from initially being Loke to being Virgo, and from her it had changed to Scorpio. After that, Capricorn watched over me and then Lyra, and finally it was Gemi and Mini. It was during their watch over me that I decided I had to make my move. I had gotten the better part of my strength back and knew, although it would be hurtful to all of us, that I'd be able to control all of them. I was strong enough now that I'd be able to force the gates closed and hold them there like I'd been doing for so long now. And I knew I'd have to follow through with the plan before I completely lost my nerve, so I gingerly sat up as Gemi and Mini bounced ever so energetically around me.
Experimentally, I flexed my fingers just to test my ability to do so. The grainy earth fell through my phalanges with relative ease and did the action once more, this time clenching my fist tightly upon the earthy soil and opening my hand to show the results. The dirt was just moist enough to clump haphazardly together but dry enough that it crumbled apart as soon as I shook it back to the ground. I then dug my toes into the dirt, testing that ability before choosing to do anything else.
I hated what I was about to do. I'd purposely waited until Gemi and Mini had been rotated in as my watchers. It was cruel and perhaps even selfish, but I knew they'd be less likely to resist until after it was too late and they were already forced back into the spirit realm. But I couldn't let my celestial spirits continue to stay around me now that I was constantly in contact with Team Natsu. I couldn't have them recognize me so easily.
It was then I noticed that Gemi and Mini had been scolding me for a few minutes and tuned in.
"You need to lay down!"
"You won't get better if you don't!"
"I'm fine," I said, not looking up at them. I already knew what I was going to do, and I already knew that Loke and Aquarius were going to be pissed, but I couldn't help it. Just the thought of my plan was making my chest sear with agony.
Am I masochistic? I wondered, not for the first time. Such pain…and all self-imposed. Did I honestly have no other way to keep from hurting them (worse) than to hurt myself like this in the process? I simply had to be masochistic, at least to some degree, to keep doing this to myself. All those chances I had to just let it all off my shoulders and let them do with me as they willed, and I kept it locked inside because I didn't want to hurt them. And no matter how much I tell myself that letting them know I was going to die would hurt worse than my disappearance…I find it harder and harder to believe. When I see those faces…
But I knew the excuse of masochism was all that was keeping me sane.
No, I forced myself to finally acknowledge. I'm not masochistic.
I'd told myself I was masochistic so many times that it was getting old. Telling myself that was just a way of rationalizing my actions, and such rationalizations were really just excuses. It was time that I sat and faced the truth of the matter, and the real reasons I was doing this, even though it hurt. It hurt me and it hurt them, and it was hard to tell who hurt worse in the long run, but I knew why I was putting us through all of this. I knew exactly what I was doing to them. It was the same thing I was doing to my beloved teammates, and all for the same reason.
I'm going to die.
There isn't any simpler way to put it. The thought made my heart do a frantic flip-flop sort of thing, because even if I had known the end was near I hadn't really forced myself to face the facts just yet. Every now and then, I thought about it…but I pushed it out of my head as soon as possible, because every time I thought of my inescapable fate I thought of my old Fairy Tail teammates and how this was hurting them. And every single time I thought about it, I realized with an uncomfortable lurch in the pit of my stomach that this is it. I wake up every day wondering, Is this the last sunrise I'll ever see? or even, Will I live long enough to even eat my breakfast today? and to have questions like that, every morning for over two years, was stressful and it just hurt.
It's horrible to wake up knowing that you're going to die, or that you're supposed to be dead but you're not, and then you can never shake the question of when?. It's awful. It's hard to believe that it took me over three years to finally realize that no matter how brave a façade I wore, I still wasn't ready to just…die.
Wasn't I still…wasn't I still in my prime? The alleged best years of my life had trickled through my fingers while I was away from my 'family', but I was still young and I should have many more days ahead of me. Days and years and even decades through which I could live, time to make new memories with those that meant the most to me and to meet new people and make new memories with them, too. Didn't I have the right to live, to fall in love, to start and raise a family? Because I finally understood that I wanted all of those things…and much more.
And just knowing that I should be dead and that I will die soon was killing me.
For the first time, I understood that I was frightened.
It took me a few long minutes to realize that Gemi and Mini were still telling me that I needed to rest, the concern clearly written on their faces. When I did the opposite of their instructions and stood, they suddenly joined together and took on the last form I had ever had them imitate.
"If you don't lay down, I'll have to make you!" they said in his voice, and I turned my head away, taking a deep breath.
Of all the people to keep as one of their forms for three years, why did it have to be Natsu's form?
"I'm sorry, Gemini," I said softly, brushing their key lightly with my fingers. They started to dissolve slowly, fading back into their realm. Gemi and Mini popped apart and cried out my name in two separate voices, but it was too late. The Forced Gate Closure had already done what it was meant to do. I covered my face with my hands and let out a dry sob, mentally blocking the angry Leo and Aquarius from breaking free. Capricorn and Virgo joined in soon after, followed by the rest. I could tell which ones were trying to materialize…but my technique was working. I was holding them back.
Loke's angry and dismayed shouts tore and ripped at my heart much like a lion would tear at the flesh of his downed prey. Just by hearing a few words I knew, without a doubt, that he felt betrayed by my actions. All of them would, but it was worse somehow when it came from the lion spirit because of the deeper connection we shared. His power was surging against my barrier but failing to break through. Next to Loke, I could sense Aquarius, riddled with rage and fury. Her anger was mostly fueled by the sensation of being betrayed and I feared that she may never forgive me for any of this. The power I felt coming from her was almost as ferocious as Loke's and it was breaking me. Capricorn bellowed and I felt him pounding against my barrier with the same intensity as Taurus in addition with Loke and Aquarius. I knew what Virgo was thinking, or I assumed that I was right. She was probably considering this as a punishment for the transgressions she never made but even so, her power joined with the others to make it more difficult on me. Cancer…he actually liked to help me with my hair and hadn't been able to for the longest time, felt betrayed because he'd almost gotten that chance again but had been denied it so suddenly. Sagittarius was most likely making conjectures about why I was doing this. Some of his ideas would be close and others would be so far off the mark that it would probably make me laugh if I heard them. Gemi and Mini were crying; why could I still hear them crying? And even through it all, they tried their hardest to help the others break the barrier.
Loke, Aquarius, Taurus, Capricorn, Virgo, Cancer, Sagittarius, Gemini, Pisces, Scorpio, Libra, Aries…all of them were fighting. Even Lyra and Horologium and Plue and every other lesser spirit I had at my disposal were fighting. I had betrayed them all but I knew they weren't fighting out of anger. They wanted to try to help in any way they could. Their dismayed calls still pierced my ears, but I continued vigilantly holding them back.
Tears fell unchecked down my cheeks.
Into the still air, I choked out, "I'm so sorry…"
The noon sun bore down on the clearing, and I realized that I should move. Laying down, I had been out of the streaming sunlight, but sitting or standing let the rays beat down on me. I definitely didn't want to deal with a sunburn on top of the hell I'd been through already. So I packed up my sleeping bag and all of my other supplies that Loke must have retrieved from the place I'd dropped them prior to my Overflow attack.
I retreated into the trees a little ways and sat with my back to one of them, huddled forward with my forehead on my knees. Attempting to hold the tears back did nothing, so I let them flow, dampening my cheeks and the denim of my jeans. I held the keys tightly to my chest, and my silent sobs were occasionally punctuated with "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…" or other little apologies that Aquarius probably wouldn't pay heed to if she ever got back out.
Part of me wished that they would never get back out until someone else got control of their keys…but then another part of me desperately wanted to have contact with them again. They were some of my closest comrades. We fought together just as much as Natsu and Gray and Erza and Happy and I did- probably more! My celestial spirits had been my lifeline in the first months of my self-imposed exile, but I didn't let that persist. I shoved them away and found ways to keep them from materializing in Earthland. I felt excessively cruel. I wanted to abandon all of my reasons but I couldn't bring myself to. Not yet.
But…didn't my nakama deserve to know who I really was and why I left?
Stop it, Lucy! You can't tell them. You just can't.
"Whenever things get hard, Lucy, don't give up. Don't ever give up!"
Mama's words. Words that Mama had said, not even three days before…
"Stop it," I groused to myself, standing up and wiping my eyes. "You've been moping for an hour. It's time to get a move on."
I brushed myself off then, wishing that I had something to take down the redness of my face around my eyes, but I didn't. One perk about being the cold-hearted bitchy Layla Heart was that I rarely cried_never, almost_but now I was caught between Layla and Lucy and I seemed to be an emotional wreck. I suppose I had expected this day to come sometime if I persisted so much longer but I hadn't ever expected all the other complications that had come along with it. And so to get my mind of off these thoughts, I retrieved my back-up wig from my bag and adjusted it over my hair almost haphazardly. I was careful enough to make sure that every single one of my blonde locks were completely covered up. I'd come so far and I didn't want a mistake now.
"It's only a matter of time…" I sighed, looking up through the leafy foliage at the blue, blue sky. "Only a matter of time until you recognize me, or until you put everything together because I've definitely given you enough information if you'd talk to each other, or…or until I die and you find out that way…"
The last of those possibilities made me shudder, the shiver of fear running up my spine.
Mama…I'm so scared!
"Hey!"
I jumped at the unexpected voice and whirled around, one hand curled into a fist around my keys and the other balled up with gold energy forming a halo around it. My eyes scanned the trees wildly but I didn't see anything for the first few frantic seconds.
"Layla! I didn't expect to see you here," came the voice again, slightly to the left of where I was looking, but my heart was sinking. My eyes followed the sound of the voice but my heart fled away from it. After all the things that I had told him in that bookstore…they find me here? For there was Erza, pulling a cart loaded with so much stuff I was surprised she could get it through the forest and Gray, without a shirt on and hand straying dangerously near the button on his pants and Happy, flying above and smiling at me even though he shouldn't and of course, there was Natsu. The one hailing me, waving and talking although I've been tuning him out.
The one I really didn't want to see.
Or rather, the one I didn't want to see me.
"I didn't expect to see anyone in the middle of a forest," I said coldly, trying to get a point across. I had turned away from them in an attempt to hide my face from them. I found a second to be thankful that I hadn't called myself by name when I had talked to myself, but it was soon outweighed by the horrible sinking feeling in my gut. The sinking feeling that was reminding me with every passing second that they should all be pissed at me, but are still talking to me as if I'm their friend. Fairy Tail's legendary trust was at work again, wasn't it? When I don't want it to be, when it's least beneficial to me…they still trust me. After all I've said or done.
There was a sick, guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach.
"Well, then, you're lucky you ran into us!" Natsu said cheerfully, either not understanding or pretending not to as his footsteps came closer to where I stood.
"The more, the merrier!" Happy piped, flying in front of me. I raised my eyes to look at the flying blue Exceed and his eyes widened slightly and he reeled back. Natsu was almost right behind me and must have noticed because his footsteps slowed slightly.
"What is it, Happy?"
"I thought your eyes were blue, Layla!"
I blinked and then wanted to hurt myself. My spirits must have removed my contacts while I was out of it, and I hadn't even bothered to check once I'd sealed them.
I didn't notice that Natsu was already in front of me and peering at my face until I looked back up. His eyes widened a little with some sort of recognition, but I could tell that he didn't fully recognize me yet. That was a fact for which I was exceedingly thankful.
"Contacts," I supplied reluctantly, and then realized I could work it to my advantage. "I don't think they look very good with my black hair, though…I might have to dye it."
That hurt.
Why did lying to them always hurt worse than lying to anyone else? Although lying in general hurt me, being the honest person that I really am at heart. But it was true that it always affected me worse when I was around this group. Of course I realized it had to have something to do with how close I'd been to them, before all of this had come around. To be this close to them but to be lying about who I was just wasn't who I wanted to be or who I wanted them to remember me as…but I couldn't help it anymore.
Sometimes I compulsively lied to them while at other times I accidentally let details slip about who I really am.
It was spiraling out of my control faster than I could reel it in.
"They…you…I…what?"
I was brought back to the present for a few moments by how amazingly inarticulate Natsu was with his words, but I then I caught myself and turned away.
"I guess they don't look good. Let me go find my contact case and fix it, shall I?"
As I said that, I bent to rummage through my pack, hoping and praying that Virgo or whoever had taken my contacts out had placed them back in the solution in their case. if not, I didn't know what I'd do if Team Natsu refused to leave me alone here…
"N-no, you don't have to worry about it," I saw Natsu shake his head in my peripheral vision, as though he was shaking off absurd thoughts. "It just…just made me think about some things is all."
I straightened and shrugged, secretly glad that I didn't have to pull out my contact case, because I feared that it would be empty and I wouldn't be able to hide my eyes. I'd just check later, when none of them were paying attention, perhaps after I scared them away, and I'd fix it then. Hopefully Erza and Gray wouldn't pay too much attention to me and my brown eyes before then.
To hide my relief, I shrugged and then, trying to hitch a cold tone back into my voice, I spoke again, "Whatever. So…mind if I ask why you guys are in the middle of this damn forest?"
"Flame-brain decided to refuse to take the train back to Magnolia," Gray said, not noticing that he'd dropped his pants on the ground three feet behind him. He shrugged but still seemed rather annoyed with the dragonslayer's aversion to transportation, even if he should have been used to it by now. It wasn't as if it was anything new, if I was being honest. Gray then continued his original statement with a pretty much unnecessary, "So we're cutting through the forest to get to the guild."
My heart throbbed painfully in my chest at the mention of the guild and Magnolia. This was the forest between the last town and Magnolia? Between that last town and the one place I had ever felt comfortable calling home after my mother's untimely death? Of all the places for me to run to, of all the forests for me to hide in for the duration of one of my episodes…it just had to be this one, didn't it?
"Fairy Tail?" I said the only thing I could think of. My brain was so muddled from everything that had already happened today that it was hard to form coherent statements after learning that I was so close to my 'family'. Those who would publish Do Fairies Have Tales? in an effort to get me back were just a few miles away through this wooded expanse and I hadn't even realized the proximity. I felt completely and utterly stupid. How could I possibly have forgotten something as important as how close to home I was? Why didn't I recognize the trees before now? Because when I really look I notice that all the trees around me have leaves that the forest around Magnolia is famous for…
I'm such a fool.
"Aye!" Happy chimed, eyes wide and cheerful. They seemed pleased to be going home. They were completely unaware of the turmoil that I was facing on the inside.
If only I could go back 'home' with them this time, just like old times.
"We need a new job anyway," Erza said, dropping the handle of her laden cart of luggage. "We've finished the three we had taken and need to report that. Everyone likes to know that we're doing well, and so that's another reason we have to check in every once in a while."
Was Erza this talkative before…?
She wasn't, was she? And if she was…somehow I couldn't picture it being in her current tone of voice. It was as if she was putting on a show so the others wouldn't notice how she really felt inside. I realized then that it quite possibly could be a show, an attempt to convince Gray and Natsu and Happy that she wasn't very affected at all by their cause. But I knew she was, and I knew it was my fault, and I hated myself for that. But I had to keep talking, trying to turn them away from me while keeping this encounter as short as possible.
I didn't want to give them too much time to look at me, analyze me, and try to figure out why I was how I was. I feared that if they looked too long they'd have the answer to the question, where has Lucy been all these years? And I didn't imagine they'd like the idea that I'd been right under their nose recently and hadn't revealed myself to them.
"Sounds kinda boring," I leaned against a tree nearby, letting a bored expression take over my features.
"It's not!" Natsu's voice was sharp, and I unconsciously sucked in a breath in surprise. I didn't want to see him so angry, even if I did want to kind of drive them away. But then, practicing patience exercises I'd never seen him use, Natsu took a deep breath and continued, "It's not boring. You should come along with us and see, Layla."
Shit, Natsu! Don't invite me along like that!
"Sorry," I waved my hand in a rather flippant, dismissive manner, avoiding their eyes. "I'm headed to Acalypha to check out some of the merchant guilds there. I've got some things I'm looking for."
"Magnolia isn't that far out of the way," Gray said, looking to be deep in thought.
"No, it's actually on the way," Erza nodded her agreement. "You could come with us. You would be welcome in Fairy Tail for all that you've helped us with in the recent past."
"Tight schedule," I tapped an imaginary watch on my wrist. "I'm behind as it is."
"But haven't you been on that island for a while?" asked Happy, and I mentally cursed. I needed to keep my time frames straight or it would be even easier for them to learn who I really am. I didn't want that…I wouldn't be able to handle that now! Would I?
"Yeah!" Natsu agreed with the Exceed. "If you needed to buy stuff, why didn't you leave Reason earlier to go get it? You can't have had many merchant guilds on that island, anyway, so if you were looking for something you should have come back to the main continent earlier. So you can come with us! You can meet Mirajane_for some reason, everyone wants to meet Mira_and even Master Makarov!"
"I really need to get a few things from the merchant guilds," I waved them off. "But I want to enjoy the scenery around here for a little longer. Don't let me hold you up."
I spoke in a cold, uncaring tone that basically said, I wouldn't mind, but I just really don't want to deal with you, so just go your own way and leave me the hell alone, okay? and then I looked up.
The effect was immediate. I wished I could go back and make sure I didn't look up at them in that instant, because they all looked so dejected. It wasn't how I liked to see them, not when Natsu looked entirely crestfallen, Gray frowned at the ground, Happy's ears drooped, and Erza just stood there stoically, acting as though it didn't affect her at all. This…definitely not how I liked to see them, and I couldn't stand it. I turned my eyes away from them because I knew that if I looked much longer, I'd give in to them and their request and those damn expressions.
Do they have any idea just what they do to me?
"By the way, Fullbuster," I said, turning my back on them and picking my bag up, "you lost your clothes again."
I heard Gray curse and then scramble to collect his clothes and on that note, I walked a little ways into the forest, dropped my back again, and sat down with my back against a tree to pull out the book that I had written. In a very brief perusal of it, I'd already discovered that at the end of each chapter, the guild member or members whose back story was first revealed during the chapter had written a little bit to me. Kind of like the letters in the back, but hardly as sentimental. It was still touching, though, and Levy's, in the second chapter, had made me want to cry. Most of all, though, I wanted to skip to the fourth-to-last chapter, where I clearly recalled the fact that I'd mentioned one of my main characters reuniting with his foster father after fourteen years apart. I wanted to see if Natsu had said anything about it…but I forced myself to wait because seeing anything about Natsu might make me turn and run back to him.
My resolve had definitely begun to weaken since I'd reunited with them.
Their footsteps faded into the distance shortly, but I listened for a time longer before sighing softly to myself and muttering, "Get a hold of yourself!" for perhaps the hundredth time since our reunion. I decided to sit there for a while more to be entirely sure that they had left and so I continued re-reading the words I'd wrote. It seemed so long ago that I'd penned this novel and mailed it to Levy as I left. It was…nostalgic. Nostalgia made me weaker, I knew, but…I couldn't help it. I needed to hold something of them close to me. Especially since I knew the end was a lot closer than it had been on the day I'd left reason to follow my former teammates.
After about half an hour I heaved another sigh and forced myself to my feet wearily to stretch. I paced a little, thinking then sat and returned to looking at Do Fairies Have Tales?
It took a bit of time, but I finally acknowledged that my claim that I had to go to Acalypha for something was purely an excuse to get away from them. It was the rudest way I could think of to shun them, but after telling them I was headed for Acalypha I decided to actually go there. After all, I needed to visit my parents' graves (which were both located near Love & Lucky now). I needed to make up for the years I'd missed visiting them while I was away and maybe even tell them that I would see them soon. I 'talked' to Mama sometimes, but it really wasn't the same as writing to her, or even the same as talking to her while sitting in the grass by her grave.
Yeah, I decided more firmly. Mama, Papa…I'm coming to talk to you soon. And then I'll see you soon after that, so just wait for me!
But oh, how scared my imminent death still made me. All of the things I had left unfinished in my life would haunt me, I knew.
It was probably already an hour since the sounds of my old team had disappeared into the forest somewhere to my right and so I stood, put my book away, dusted myself off, and began to head in the direction of Magnolia. From there, I'd take the most obscure route I could find to the train station and buy myself a ticket to Acalypha. I checked on my financial status quickly and assured myself I had enough money, even with possibly inflated prices. It had been a while since I'd purchased a train ticket from the Magnolia station…but the train station was closer to this side of town anyway, and if I took a train I wouldn't have to walk all the way through the city and have that pang of nostalgia that had been occurring all too often since Team Natsu had showed up and barged into my quiet, comfortable life in Reason.
I wouldn't have to walk by Fairy Tail if I took the train.
And almost before I knew it, I was sitting safely in the seat by the window and staring out at the scenery flashing past me. I felt terrible. Horrible. Completely and utterly despicable. To have taken a train just to avoid even walking by Fairy Tail, the home of most of my 'family' was practically the height of cowardice, wasn't it? Taking a train just to avoid the chance that someone, perhaps one of the dragonslayers, might recognize my scent as Lucy, despite the new soaps and shampoos I'd used in an attempt to disguise that part of me. I was avoiding walking by my 'home' because I didn't want them to realize it was me.
And, not for the first time since leaving, I wondered whether I was being selfless or selfish by leaving them. Brave or cowardly?
"You're such a coward, Lucy," I answered a portion of my thoughts softly and almost venomously, watching as the lips of my reflection moved with the words. The girl I looked at didn't even look like me. Even though I saw the same reflection every time I looked in the mirror, I couldn't see myself behind the black wig and the recently replaced blue contacts. It seemed almost as if my reflection was some awful parody in which someone else's image was shown instead of my own. Almost as if the Lucy that had been me no longer existed or never had. Or, as my worst thought went, it was like Lucy was already dead, and had been replaced by some strange black haired girl who looked oddly like her but oddly not.
I was already disappearing.
I didn't want to…not yet.
Well...what do you guys think of the new developments?
And WONDERBANGx3, I thought I'd tell you I found it mildly ironic that you left a review saying that you hoped the reviews would help me update when I was planning to update tonight anyway if Ari had gotten the chapter back to me with corrections. Hehe XD. But if you didn't read the top notice, the delay wasn't because I was neglecting it, but because I really couldn't think of anything. So I thought leaving it alone for a little while would help. And it did. :)
If you guys are still reading, thank you and thank you for being patient with me! I didn't mean to take so long!