WARNING:

This is unedited. Meaning, since I haven't talked to lovely aphrodite931 in over a month, this is my rough copy of it. (Actually, I did a little self-editing for once). I figured it had been so long that I should get it out to you guys, anyway.

SO. Here's chapter 12. I hope you enjoy at least a little.

EDIT: Minor edits were made according to AkumaNoKiseki's feedback. Thanks, Kuma :)

Just making myself step off of the train once I had reached Acalypha was harder for me to do than I had expected it to be. I had only chosen Acalypha as an excuse to get away from my former nakama and teammates; an excuse that was at least plausible. I was beginning to realize that I was just running away like the coward I had become, but I had rationalized my actions with the new purpose I had in mind for proceeding with my excuse to come here. I was determined now to visit the graves of my parents…but as soon as the train arrived at the depot a cold feeling stole over me, erasing rational thoughts. Coming to see the graves of my mother and father now seemed like a very bad idea. What if my nakama somehow quickly pieced together the fact that 'Layla Heart' was really 'Lucy Heartfilia', their Lucy? They already knew that I was coming here, and I'd be willing to bet that they'd know exactly where I'd be. And then there were other factors causing the horrible roiling of emotions in the pit of my stomach. Was it disrespectful to my parents? Was it disrespectful that I was coming to see my parents since I wasn't even myself and was lying to everyone I cared about?

Would Mama and Papa be disappointed in the coward that I had let myself become?

The thought scared me, because I never wanted to be a disappointment to Mama and Papa. It had taken me a long time, but I had finally realized that being a failure was one of my biggest fears and I had been fighting it all of my life. I was still fighting it, but it wasn't working at all.

It hurt to realize it…but it dawned on me that I was living in the middle of the biggest failure of my entire life.

I was caught off guard then by the push of Loke's power against my reinstated barrier. My spirits hadn't caused any problems during the entire train ride from Magnolia to Acalypha, so I wasn't prepared for one of them to act up now. Loke's distraction helped me to gather my wits together and step off of the train before the conductor or other passengers could get mad at me for my inactivity. My choice was made in a split-second decision I knew I might regret later, but I hardened my resolve anyway. I wouldn't change my mind because I had finally had enough of being so indecisive and cowardly in the last several weeks. I realized that I had become a despicable excuse for a human being and I wanted to stop being the person he hurt everyone around her even if it was just a vain attempt to save them even more pain in the long run. I wanted to make whatever amends I could before my life drew to the inevitable and looming end that I felt coming. Every amendment, that is, except for revealing myself. It might make me even more of a coward, even more despicable, but I didn't want to steal away whatever hope that my friends might have left.

Hope…

The hope that they'd find me alive was probably all they had left aside from their memories of the old Lucy…but it would just have to suffice.

Even for me, the memories of all the good times shared with my precious Fairy Tail family would never be enough, but I made do with what I had. I'd forced myself to accept it long ago and my friends would just have to do the same. It was a lot for me to rely upon, the fact that they'd be content when they were Fairy Tail, of all guilds and I had the sneaking suspicion that they would never be sated, but just like them I was relying upon nothing but a slim chance. The slim hope that they would find me alive was theirs, and the hope that they'd stop trying to find me was mine.

I was beginning to think they had a better chance of succeeding than I did in that aspect.

"Excuse me, ma'am, are you waiting for someone?"

I blinked, knocked out of my thoughts again, to look at one of the guards of the train station. He probably wasn't much older than I was, and he looked kind of nervous. Was it his first day at the job?

I smiled kindly at him and said, "No, just lost in thought. I'll go, now."

And I turned and walked away, swinging my duffel bag over my shoulder. It wasn't until I was about ten steps away from him that I abruptly noticed the smile on my features and forced myself to drop the expression like a hot potato. I was appalled at how easily I'd let such an expression come out, such a…Lucy-like expression. Without a doubt, if Natsu and the others had been there, I would have just given myself away. So it was definitely a good thing that they weren't right there at that moment.

"I have to make this pretty quick," I told myself, even though I knew I wouldn't be able to rush this. It had been so long since I had visited Mama's and Papa's graves, so I would have to stay and talk to them a while. It was the least I could do for not writing to them very often for fear of being found out by someone…the very least I could do before I joined them. Perhaps, I figured, talking to them would help me come to terms with my impending death a little more easily.

I stopped by a flower shop I remembered from my visits here before I'd left Fairy Tail behind, looking around. The same elderly woman that always ran the shop prior to my departure was bustling around, oblivious to the fact that the bell had rung, and was watering the plants. I made my way back to where I usually picked out a few flowers and found a little wreath and a bouquet of Mama's favorite white roses. She always told me they were her favorite because the white was indicative of innocence, and even though I was more for the combination of red and white roses, I finally understood her reasoning. And…I think she also liked them because they implied honesty, which, frankly, I was currently lacking.

The cold feeling came back, and I shook my head, staring at the white roses I held. Maybe they could serve as an apology to Mama, then, for the lack of honesty in my life.

Carrying the items in my arms, I made my way back to the front desk, where a cash register stood. I was patient enough, so I just sat the soon-to-be purchases on the counter and sat my duffel bag down to wait for the owner to finish watering the other products. I let my eyes ghost around the room, examining briefly all of the other flowers that were available and admiring the gorgeous, large, and vibrantly red roses that were not even three paces away. Glancing around and not seeing the owner, I went over and gently pulled one out, lifting it to my nose and delicately sniffing it.

It had been a long time, I mused, since I had seen such a gorgeous red rose. In fact…the last red rose that I'd seen that was even half as beautiful as the ones for sale in this small shop was the one that I had been anonymously given not even a week before I stole away from Magnolia after learning about the Magical Overflow and the hopelessness of my plight.

"Oh, dear, I'm so sorry to keep you waiting!"

The voice made me jump a little, and I turned my attention to the little old woman who owned the shop as she bustled toward the counter from where she'd been watering some of the flowers. I placed the rose gently back where it was from and made my way to the counter, too.

"It's no problem, ma'am," I said, choosing to be polite even though I knew it would make it harder to bring my Layla façade back. "I've got time. I was just admiring your roses…how did you manage to get them to grow so big? They're beautiful."

"It's a charm that my great-nephew made me. He's a wizard and he just joined Blue Pegasus. He's so handy with these little fertility and growth charms of his!"

She beamed with pride at her nephew's power and accomplishments, and I smiled back at her even though it hurt.

"Blue Pegasus is a good guild," I said absently, digging my money out. "I mean, Hibiki and Eve and Ren are a little flirtatious, and their teacher Ichiya is a bit creepy sometimes, but they're all great people at heart. And the guild master is a bit strange, but he's really kind…"

"You know them?" the old woman beamed. "Mr. Hibiki acts like an older brother to my nephew. He's really made Gene's integration into the guild so much easier!"

"Has he?" I asked, suddenly eager to hear a little more about Blue Pegasus and those I knew from that guild. I knew I couldn't dawdle too much longer in the flower shop, but as I handed over the money and listened to the woman talk happily about what a great effect the mage guild was having on her nephew, I let myself reminisce.

"You seem to know about mage guilds yourself, though," said the old woman as an afterthought as she handed me my change. "Are you part of one of them? Of Blue Pegasus?"

I laughed a little.

"No, I'm not a member of Blue Pegasus. I was once in Fairy Tail, but…" I gasped and covered my mouth then, wide-eyed. I'd just told her I'd once been a member of Fairy Tail…and I'd said it kind of wistfully.

"You were once in the guild?" she had caught it. "What happened?"

I lowered my hands slowly and sighed, deciding to explain, just a little. So I said, "Something…bad happened, and I realized that if I stayed it could hurt other people. The members of Fairy Tail are the closest I've had to a family in a long time, and I just couldn't hurt them like that. I…"

Why did I have to get so choked up at a time like this?

"I…I know I'm just running from the truth. That they'd rather I was with them. But I just can't go back…not after all I've put them through and after the lies I've told them. It's…I'm sorry. I shouldn't be dumping all of this on you," I laughed a little, furiously wiping my eyes. They itched from being watery with my contacts in, but said, "Thank you…for listening. And for the flowers. I've got to go now!"

I took the wreath and bouquet in one arm, swinging my duffel bag onto my shoulder with one smooth motion, and then I turned and bolted for the door even though the nice lady had asked me to wait.

"You can talk to me if you need to, dear!" she called, rushing out from behind the counter and reaching out.

"I'm really, really sorry," I paused at the door long enough to turn and give her a pained smile. "I've already said way too much about it. But really…thank you. For everything."

I hated myself. Again.

Not only had I run away from a nice old lady who just wanted to help me however she could, but I had poured out too much information to her. If my teammates came trying to find me and somehow ended up talking to her, she'd probably remember me and tell them everything she knew. Because she would see Natsu's Fairy Tail marking immediately, as well as Erza's on her armor and probably Gray's because he would have already lost his shirt. And I would be completely revealed, my identity no longer secret and my façade completely useless.

I knelt in front of the cold, solid stone that marked the resting place of my parents, letting the tears fall in front of those I knew wouldn't judge me too harshly. My duffel bag fell with a thump but I didn't care about anything in it right now. Even with the tears coursing down my cheeks, I took the time to arrange my flowery gifts on the stone before folding my arms tightly against myself and trying to hold the sobs back. I was quickly becoming an emotional wreck, and even I knew as much, but I couldn't stop it. The only people who could even possibly help me were probably the ones that I was avoiding like the plague. Actually, I knew they were the only ones who could pull me out of this funk, but I wasn't going to give them the chance to if there was anything I could do to help it.

"I…I'm sorry I'm just sitting here…and blubbering," I finally managed to choke out after five or ten minutes of hugging myself tightly. I felt like everything I was, who I was, would just fall apart at the seams if I didn't hold myself together physically, but I knew what I needed was to hold myself together mentally. And I couldn't get what I needed by secluding myself from the rest of the world, but I couldn't bring myself to integrate myself back into the world I missed. Not when the end of my life was so close.

I got no answer for my apology, but I hadn't really expected one, so I took a few more minutes to calm down. Once I thought I'd be able to talk, I took a deep breath.

"Mama…Papa. It's been so long since I came to see you. I'm sorry. You might not even recognize me right now…but I'll fix that."

Carefully, and only after looking around to make sure no one else was in the cemetery, I took my wig off and my contacts out. I blinked to try to get rid of how my eyes itched, a little unsuccessfully, and focused on the names carved into the stones before me. I knew my hair must be slightly messy, but I didn't care anymore.

"It's me, Lucy," I said softly, laying my hand gently on their names in turn. "A lot has happened in the last three and a half years. I think it's about time I told you about it, isn't it?"

I laughed softly to myself, but then slowly began to talk to the headstones, telling them first about contracting that magical disease and then about leaving Magnolia and my Fairy Tail family. I talked about my travels, about how I found the two zodiac keys I'd been missing and a few more keys to add to my collection. I told my parents how I'd gotten stronger over the years and how I felt more proud of my power than I ever had before. But then I got to the parts I least wanted to talk about. For instance, about six months after I'd left, I was still in denial about the hopelessness of my case and was still trying to find some sort of cure. My words spilled out, about how I was afraid to find that my case really was as hopeless as it had seemed and how devastated I'd felt when I realized that my searching was futile. It seemed like I poured my heart out for hours until I got to the most recent weeks, or months, in which I'd been reunited with my nakama.

The last few weeks were the most difficult to talk about. It was hard to express in words all the feelings that had been running through my head and tormenting me since it had all begun, but I did my best. My parents deserved at least that much. And to be honest, I always felt better about my problems after telling my mother about them, even if she couldn't reach out and comfort me like she used to do. It still felt like she was right here beside me if I sat and talked to her about the events of my life and the problems that I had. It made me feel closer to her. And so I poured my heart out to her; to both of them. All the jumbled-up messes inside of my mind had tumbled out in an even more jumbled-up mess, and I paused to make sense out of them before moving on.

"And they haven't changed very much at all and it just makes everything so much harder," I blurted out before I even realized what I was saying, but I quickly acknowledged the truth in my statement. I could accept at least that much, even if I didn't want to. Erza, Gray, and Happy, but most of all Natsu…they were exactly the same as they had always been. It made everything I was trying to do and thought I needed to do just that much harder to actually accomplish.

But then I continued talking, letting something I hadn't even let myself think about tumble from my mouth in words I didn't think I'd ever say aloud.

I was talking about Natsu. But not just about how he was now or about his joint quest with Erza, Gray, and Happy to find me. No…I was talking about things like how his slightly longer hair looked good on him and how he seemed more mature and then I started talking about how handsome he was. I broke off in the middle of the next sentence, staring blankly at the gravestone in front of me and thinking about what I'd just said. I replayed the words in my mind and at a lurch in the general region of my heart, dread started filling me. My words were exactly what I thought and it had taken me this long to realize it all. Then I decided to think about what my next sentence was going to be and my heart could have stopped beating.

I think I like him more than a friend.

"Shit," I cursed under my breath, then quickly mumbled an apology to my parents as I rubbed my temple. "I can't believe myself. Of all times to notice…to fall for…ugh!" I threw my hands in the air, feeling like the stupidest woman in the world.

How had I not noticed these feelings? Because nothing had changed since before I'd left them all behind. Our friendship was better than that of mine with Erza or Gray. I always knew that much but to really be this…I was flabbergasted. The whole time, Natsu had been the hardest to leave, and he was still the hardest to do without, so was this the reason why? Because I liked him? Because I, the girl who always had guy problems and who always told him about them, had actually had one of the best guys ever right beside me as a best friend and hadn't ever noticed it?

"I'm such an idiot!" I growled, standing up in one swift movement and regretting it for the sharp pains that shot up my legs from being cramped up under me for the last few hours. I stumbled a few steps but gained my balance quickly, my hands on my head as I started to pace in front of my parents' graves, mumbling to myself as I did so. Of all the time for me to realize that I'd fallen for Natsu Dragneel, the best friend I had ever had. I had to notice it now, when I couldn't go back to them.

"No, Lucy," I stopped myself, freezing in place. "It's not that you can't go back. It's that you're afraid."

And it was true that I was afraid. It wasn't really something that I had acknowledged until now and I still didn't want to do so. But the fear…it was overwhelming me. So many parts of my life just seemed so incomplete and unfinished and I didn't want to leave it behind yet. I was only in my lower twenties! I shouldn't be standing so close to Death's door, waiting to raise my hand and knock and welcome him as a friend. To me, it was still an enemy. Death, I mean. Because I wanted to spend more time with my Fairy Tail family and my friends and dammit, I wanted to find out why I was so attracted to my best friend.

More than anything, I wanted to be able to tell Natsu who I was and why I'd been hiding from them and I wanted to tell him about how I felt. But I was much too afraid to do anything of the sort. Fairy Tail had hardened my ability to stick to my resolve, and even though I had been away from the guild for over three years I still remembered some of my lessons in determination. And yet they were beginning to fade, my stance wavering. There was nothing I wanted more than I wanted to go back to them. Nothing would make me happier than to throw myself at them, at him, and let them smother me in their embraces. I wanted to hear them say they missed me even after they knew why I was gone. I wanted to hear that they would forgive me for all that I'd been doing and all that I'd done to them. Even if I didn't expect the forgiveness, I wanted it more than anything.

I finally dropped back down in front of the graves of my parents, staring blankly at the stones for a few moments. I didn't want to disappear into a grayish nothingness that was just like the gravestones. I didn't want to leave behind all this regret.

"Why can't it be the way it was before?" I asked softly, my face descending into my hands as my eyes began to burn.

"Lucy!"

It seemed like the hundredth time that he'd bugged me today. Sometimes I wish he'd just stop.

"What is it this time, Natsu?" I answered exasperatedly, my kindness outweighing my annoyance. Natsu Dragneel was, after all, the best friend I had ever had. Nothing would or could ever change that. He may be annoying sometimes, but it was something I'd kind of grown accustomed to.

"I found us another job!"

And to my chagrin, he held up a ridiculously hard, dangerous, and rewarding job. I knew he liked a challenge; how could I not? But seeing the paper in his hand, I had to look at him like he was crazy. It was supposed to be a solo mission, just the two of us, because we hadn't done one in a long while. But when I left Natsu with the decision, he ended up picking out jobs like this. He was completely and utterly ridiculous. His grin fell as I gave him 'that' look.

"What?"

"Natsu," I said slowly, "that one would probably be okay it we were going with Erza and Gray but if it's just you, me, and Happy…"

I trailed off, trying to get my point across without actually saying it. I didn't want to be rude or seem to be rude by telling him that the mission he wanted to do was way too far out of our range, so I hoped he'd understand my insinuation. He wasn't as dumb as some people made him out to be, after all. As his best friend aside from Happy, I knew that fact well.

"You don't like it?" he gave me a pouting expression and I sighed.

"It would be fine if everyone was coming. If you want to do it, just ask Erza and Gray along and we can do a job together when we all get back, okay?"

"But…this was supposed to be me and you…" Natsu gave me those eyes, and I looked away. I hated when he gave me those eyes because they were always hard to ignore or withstand. "Are you sure it's okay to wait?"

"It's fine with me if you really want to do this one, Natsu," I assured him. I'd do anything to make him happy again, because I couldn't stand it when he was down. "Besides, don't they always say 'the more, the merrier'? And we'll be together anyway, just with more people along."

"If you're sure…" he said uncertainly.

"I'm sure," I rolled my eyes. He was too adorable for his own good sometimes, acting like an innocent little kid when I knew that he wasn't one.

"Thanks, Luce!"

Natsu surprised me when he flung himself at me, crushing me tightly against him in a hug. I felt myself grow warmer in the face, attributing it to his heat, and pushed futilely against him. A few seconds later, I just let myself hug him back. It was a quick, friendly squeeze.

"Now let go and go talk to Gray and Erza," I said, my voice muffled by the young pink-haired man's well-defined chest.

When he let go, I felt like there was something missing. In order to cure that, I went to register the mission with Mirajane.

I had never understood just what I had been missing that day. Not until now.

Shit.

"Mama…" I said slowly, choosing to address her rather than my father because I felt she might understand me just a little more. "Mama, I think I love him."

I didn't notice the little old lady from the flower shop slowly enter the cemetery, so I didn't see how her eyes widened when she saw the black wig and the wreath and roses that the black-haired woman had bought at her shop. I didn't see how she reacted when she spotted the duffel that the black-haired woman had been carrying. I didn't know that she saw the pink guild marking on my right hand and instantly recognized who I was.

I didn't know she heard what I said next.

"Mama, I think I love Natsu Dragneel, of Fairy Tail…"

Only after I said those words did she make a noise, softly saying, "Excuse me?" but that was enough to make me spin, stare at her like a deer in the headlights for a moment, and then climb to my feet, grab my duffel, and flee. There wasn't time for me to pause for my wig, or the letter that slipped out of my jacket's pocket and fell to the ground. I managed a quick, frantic farewell to my parents and bolted, and that was it.

I didn't heed the elderly woman's wishes for me to wait, or to come back. I just kept running, rushing past the lion statues that marked the entrance to the cemetery and fleeing down the main street of Acalypha.

The voice in my head told me I was a coward.

And I replied that it was right.

WHOA. Lucy, dear, what have you done?

Well...that's for ME to know and everyone else to find out! (Wooo, let's go back to the third grade comebacks like the one before this and 'Talk to the hand!' xD)

Anyway, yeah. Forum buddies, if you're reading, I would appreciated if you pointed out any mistakes or anything so I can correct it :)

Anyway, thank you guys so much for being patient with me!

Until next time!