Losses

In the funeral, I was still out of my mind, it was kind of surreal yet. I only saw Adam at the hospital once, he could be sleeping. I couldn't stay there much long. Adam was always a kind of father to me, he taught me a lot, always. It would be hard not having him around. As much as I tried to prepare myself for that, knowing that it could happen sooner or later didn't make things easier. I felt like there was a whole in my chest. It would take a while for things to be okay.

I stand by the coffin, Kelly was by my side, and Andrew too. Kelly had been great for the last days, she barely left me. I saw Anne's folks o the other side, but Matt was nowhere. Andrew had told me he said he would come. A priest started saying some things, but I was only half-listening. After a few minutes, my attention was diverted by a movement not too far from me. When I looked, I saw Matt arriving, always late... but when I looked at his left, my heart stopped for a second, Anne was there. I couldn't believe she was here... we looked at each other's eyes, for a moment I wanted to run and hug her... she looked away. I tried to listen to what the priest was saying, but I couldn't stop thinking she was here.

In the end of the ceremony, I threw my roses on the grave. I couldn't hold the tears anymore, it was becoming more real… then we had to stay in line to receive the condolences, I saw no reason for that, it only made me feel worst… I had hugged about 20 people, when I saw Anne next to me, with Andrew. I thought I should be jealous, but it seemed so insignificant after what had happened… she said something to him, kissed him on the cheek and looked at me, I noticed I was still looking at her. She came towards me, and stopped in front of me. She seemed nervous, didn't look at me...

"Hi... David."

"Hey Anne..."

My voice came out weird. She hesitated.

"Dave... I'm sorry for coming, I know I shouldn't have… but… I had to… I really wanted to be here… I'm so sorry for him, I really am, I…"

she looked at me and stopped talking. I must be looking awful. And then, I realized I wasn't angry anymore, at least for a few moments it was my friend there, who had always been by my side when my brother was sick, and would hug me and tell things would get better… that emptiness inside of me was a bit smaller.

"I really thought he'd be okay, Anne..."

And I hugged her. I started crying again, I needed a hug from her, feel her warmth… I held her tight, and so did she. Then, we stared at each other again, and she spoke first.

"Dave, it's gonna be..."

I didn't let her finish.

"I know."

We were still staring at each other. She started walking away, I saw Matt coming. But before she left, I grabbed her arm.

"Thank you for coming back."

She looked at me for a few moments, I thought she'd say something. But she just nodded and left. Matt came and hugged me.

"I'm sorry I was late Dave, I went to pick Anne up at the airport, her flight got delayed…"

"it doesn't matter Matt, I'm glad you're here."

I talked to some other people, but I wasn't paying much attention. We went home, to the memorial service. I had to pretend I was okay, which I was not. Kelly was by my side all the time, and I liked her there, it made me feel good. With everything that had happened, I didn't have time to think about us, but I guess I could say we were together, she knew how to wait. When all this passed, I'd spend more time with her. But I betrayed myself... every two seconds I caught myself looking for Anne, among the people. I tried to think I was only grateful for her coming to Tulsa only for Adam, but deep down I knew that was a lame excuse. Why couldn't I get her out of my head once and for all? I remembered the video... I wanted to talk to her so much... I really was an idiot.

At some point, I got distracted talking to some friends and Kelly disappeared, she was nowhere. It was weird, she was with me the whole time... but I didn't care much, she might be talking to someone. I realized I hadn't eaten for a long time, I decided to get something. All of the sudden, I felt someone beside me...

"Dave?"

"Anne..."

"I'm leaving now... but before I go, I want to tell you something..."

If she said she was jealous of Kelly now, I don't know what I'd do.

"I'm listening..."

"I came because I really wanted to be here right now... you know I cared a lot about Adam... but I wanted you to know... he's not the only reason why I came back."

It was like someone had punched me in the face. I couldn't say anything... for one insane moment I wanted to forget everything, take her in my arms and kiss her… but I knew I had to separate things, I couldn't be weak… she put her hands on the back of my neck and pulled me, I thought for a second she'd kiss me, I closed my eyes and waited, surprising myself for not resist to that. But she kissed me on the cheek. And then, ran her fingers through my hair and stared at me. I saw a tear rolling down her face.

"Take care, okay?"

My throat was closed, I couldn't answer anything, just nodded. She left, and while I watched her leaving, I couldn't stop thinking about one thing: if she had kissed me on the lips, I'd have kissed her back. Stupid. STUPID.

Right after that, Kelly came back.

"Anne already left?"

I swallowed hard.

"Yeah..."

She was weird, but I didn't ask why.

Things went back to normal between my brother and I in the following days, there was no reason to be mad at him anymore. Even because... I only had that brother now. We didn't talk or anything, I couldn't take another conversation. It was implict. And things were going well with Kelly.

...

Christmas wasn't exactly a happy day, I was still very upset about Adam. I even considered going to Anne's, but I changed my mind... there was no point…Kelly was there, she even tried to cheer me up, but unsuccessfully… my mom realized things were very depressing, so she had the great idea of getting some tapes in my room from our childhood, so we could laugh a little… I thought it couldn't be worst. But I was wrong, of course.