Now

"Well" the elder man sighed, "I'm afraid there's a lot wrong, and it's been for a while. Did you have your regular examinations?"
"Of course I have! Was here four days ago last time and they told me my baby's alright! What…"
Jamie squeezed her hand gently, and Beth broke off, avoiding both men's understanding eyes.
He felt her pulse racing in her fingers as he held them, but even without that he knew that she was scared inside, rather desperate then angry, really, and probably just looking for any mistakes she had made. He never had understood how a woman as stubborn as her could give in to accusations – even if they weren't meant as such – so quickly.
For a few moments, nobody said a word. Then Beth looked up again. "So what is wrong? And what can we do against it?"
"Wrong is that you're septic, Mrs. Reagan. From what we diagnosed the infection must started three to five weeks ago."
Beth shook her head. "I didn't do anything." The anger was gone completely, leaving her voice weak again.
Jamie's hand around his wife's went numb. Somewhere in his brain, he could still hear his father urging him to be strong, but the bigger part of him was barely containing himself anymore.
Sepsis. Who cared how it had happened, or when? She would die.
Before he could stop himself, the thought echoed around in his mind, flaming and cruel, she would die. They would both die, Beth and Thomas as well – twenty-five weeks were hardly enough to survive if they tried to get him now, and how should he go unaffected by his mother's poisoned blood?
He would lose them.
"Alright." As if to compensate his moment of panic, Beth' grip on his hand tightened. They had spent hours like that, too sad or happy to speak, just holding hands. It had become a way to communicate, faster and clearer than words.
"What will you do now? When I woke up they told me our baby is fine, was that before or after my diagnosis? Did you check his blood, too?"
"That's not so easy, I'm afraid, but we would have seen it if the infection had reached him. It is very unlikely, though, that this will happen. You share a lot with your child as long as it's not born, but he already has a blood circuit of his own. Right now it is not the baby we are worried about."
Beth swallowed. "What about me?"
"Mrs. Reagan, you know your immune system is weaker than the average. So far the infection has not reached your heart, but if we don't treat you soon, and aggressively, it will. And then another angina pectoris is the best you can wish for, but it highly probably will be worse. Already you can't get enough healthy blood through your body, this is why you collapsed. If the sepsis reaches the heart, you are dead. It is only a matter of time."

As Jamie felt his wife stiffen in his arms, trying to keep the tears from falling, the ice inside him broke. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close so one hand rested on her belly while the other was still entwined with her slim fingers. "It's okay", he whispered into her ear, "you're going to be okay, you'll see… when can you start with the treatment? What…" he broke off as Beth gently shook her head and stroked his arm. "He can't."
"He can, and he will." Jamie's voice hardened, but the doctor didn't seem to feel threatened at all. "I can, Mrs. Reagan – Mr. Reagan – and I will. Gladly. But as I said, the therapy will have to be very aggressive to your body. And to your child."

No. Another ton of rocks dropped down onto Jamie, burying his heart and deafening his brain, making thinking and breathing harder again. Why? Why his son? He had learnt that life wasn't fair, and he had accepted that – but Thomas wasn't even alive yet. He couldn't suffer under this world, not yet.
Every night in his prayers for twenty weeks – when Beth had shown him the pregnancy test, beaming with joy – he had promised to God he would do everything to protect his child. He hadn't known how much he wanted children of his own till it was on the way, but from the very moment he knew of Thomas' existence, before they knew it was a boy, actually, he had loved him with all his heart. It was almost impossible to believe that this little bunch of life inside of Beth was a part of himself – the best of him, and of Beth, put together to something new and better than both of them.

"How aggressive?" Jamie's voice rang strangely in his ears, choked up.
Be strong.
The doctor shook his head. "Survival rate for the fetus is twelve percent. I am very sorry." He stood up. "I will check on you in two hours. If you need something, just ring."

Before the door had closed Jamie turned Beth around, pressing her against him as firm as he dared. He heard her breath going faster and faster, a deer in a trap, hoping for an escape while knowing deep inside that there was none. No way out. Nothing they could do to change the situation. He couldn't speak. It took all his power not to cry as he held her in his arms, breathing in her familiar scent mixed with the sharp aroma of hospital.
Was there anything to say? Sorely afflicted as his family was, he couldn't remember any similar situation. They hadn't seen death coming with Joe, and with his mother… it had been different. There was nothing to do about cancer, and for all it was worth, Mary Reagan had had the chance to live. She had died too young, and seeing Beth turning into a mother was making him miss her more nowadays, but still… she had lived. She had been happy, and sad, a schoolgirl and a bride and a mother, a grandmother.
Thomas would have nothing.
And there was nothing he could do against it.

Nothing.

The door opened, and Danny peered in. "Hey, guys, can we… oh no. What happened?" Beth tried to move out of the embrace but Jamie held her. "Just a minute, okay?"
"Course." He quickly backed out, closing his eyes against the worried eyes of his family. He couldn't shut out the picture of his little brother, though, hurt and helpless. He hadn't seen this look on Jamie's face for a long, blessed time – since he had proposed to Beth Conway at her brother' firehouse, ignoring his family's prejudices, Andrew Conway's obvious despise, the sad ending of his previous engagement and, last but very not least, Beth's own insecurity.
She had said yes. And though Henry and Andy had made bets about how soon one or the other would cancel (that was before they had realized their shared taste of whiskey, beer and hockey, and therefore made their peace with the reunion), Jamie and Beth had held to their promises.
At their wedding day, no eye had stayed dry. In substitution for Andy, his chief had led the bride down the aisle, with Nicki as bridesmaid beaming four steps ahead. For once, Jamie had not even seen his niece, nor his father or Danny, his best man.

He had only had eyes for Beth as she came closer, her hand shivering lightly at the chief's arm but her eyes burnt with the same fire he had fallen in love with, strong, understanding, funny and more loyal than he deserved. Her hair was perfect, of course, done by her boss Mr. Argnan personally, and the dress… it was amazing. She was amazing, every inch of her, and the most amazing thing of all was that she was on her way to him. They had made it. She would be his, before god and men, heaven and hell and whatever would be laid at their path. They would go together, and nothing else mattered. Jamie's smiled widened with every step, and Beth's face lit up as well, till the smile broke into a soft laughter, enameled with tears. Mostly of joy, he knew, but in the tightness of her arm he saw that she was thinking of her brother.
Andy had died in the line of duty seven weeks ago. The wooden floor of a burning house had collapsed, burying the firefighter under flaming wood after a fall of twelve meters. His comrades had managed to retrieve him, but Andy had already been dead.
No chance to say goodbye. Just like it had been with Joe.
Jamie looked down for a moment. He was alive. He missed his brother, but he knew that Joe would want him to live, and right now, his life was more beautiful than he ever had expected it to be. He had to live now.
And God knew he wanted to live, right now, with this woman trusting him to make her happy.
He wanted it with all his heart.