Thank you to all reviewers and readers!
You'll be a wonderful dad.
The smile on his face remained, carved into his face the moment his son looked at him for the first time, strong and alive and healthy and… those eyes. Jamie's eyes, his brother's and his mom's eyes. Thomas was undeniably a Reagan.
His nose, however, was clearly Conway. A small part of Andy and Michael come alive again.
No, not again. Jamie swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat, but it returned, slowly suffocating him. He couldn't do that. He couldn't burden his son with the memories of dead uncles, he couldn't look for Joe in his features. Thomas was a person of his own.
Fear smoothed into the overwhelming joy as Jamie handed his son to his father, only half realizing what he was doing. How was he supposed to raise a child? What could he give to the baby to make him a boy, a man? How could he ever be enough?
Of course, he would never be alone. Thomas would never be alone. Jamie let the tears fall as he watched his gruff, sometimes harsh, never satisfied brother melting as he held his nephew in his arms. There was something in Danny's eyes as he smiled at Thomas that made it impossible not to cry. Love, gratefulness, envy at the unconditional love Danny seemed to have for Thomas in the matter of seconds but never seemed to have felt for Jamie, fear, guilt for his happiness, exhaustion,… fear. It kept returning, and with every second his son was alive it grew stronger.
The world was cruel. He was a cop, he knew it.
Beth knew it too.
She had given everything for their baby, and maybe he had already lost her. Maybe he was already lost.
Did it matter, though? He couldn't do this. Right now he felt barely grown up himself, just tired and terrified. His family would look after Thomas. They would love him and help and educate him, better than Jamie would ever do on his own.
"A penny for your thoughts." His father's hand landed on his shoulder, warm and firm. He had raised four children, lost one of them, lost his wife, carried the responsibility for thousands of people on his shoulders… he had never given up.
"Jamie." Frank squeezed his sons shoulder gently. "There is nothing right now to be ashamed of."
Jamie had never felt so ashamed in his entire life.
"I… I…" He sighed. This was wrong, everything was wrong, shouldn't he be filled with happiness now? Pure, all absorbing happiness?
He needed Beth. He needed to see her, to see the happiness in her eyes so he could feel it again in his heart. He needed to see her holding her son. Right now.
"I'm scared, dad." His words were barely audible, his glance flickering from the floor to Thomas and back.
Frank smiled. "Well, I think you're going to be a great father, then."
Jamie frowned. "What?"
The police commissioner shook his head. "When the nurse firstly put Danny in my arms, I was torn between standing here forever, lost in this moment, and running away as fast as I could. Raising a child is never easy, Jamie. You will come to the point where you fear that everything you did was wrong. But trust me when I say it is worth it. Every second of worry and anger and tiredness… it's worth it. And there's one thing you have to understand." He swallowed, overcome by too many emotions himself now. "You may be afraid of how fast it is going, and how much might go wrong, but your son doesn't have to know it. All he has to know is that you love him, no matter what."
"I do."
"I know." Frank hugged his son tightly. "All of you have become wonderful people. Braver, stronger, cleverer than I could have ever imagined. You will be fine. Thomas will be fine."
The silence following dimmed the brightness of his words, but Jamie felt lighter nevertheless. "Thanks, dad."
"Anytime. That's my job as a father."
"We made plans, you know." Jamie reached for his father's hand for support. "In case anything happened to one of us." He didn't want to say it, didn't even want to think it, but he had been weak long enough. He needed to show his family he was able to take on the responsibility. Even if he didn't believe it himself yet.
"Being a cop is dangerous, you always said that. And… Beth and I agreed that… if she… if I was to raise Thomas alone, I would quit the job."
"You what?" Erin's eyes were wide as she looked over to her father and brother. Nicki and Henry were busy adoring Thomas, but Danny seemed to have followed the conversation as well. His face was unreadable.
Jamie swallowed. Better to say it once quickly and then forget about it forever. "If Beth doesn't survive, I'll quit being a cop and start working as a lawyer. Make something of my studies, after all."
Danny opened his mouth but was interrupted by a nurse. "Mr. Reagan? It's about your wife. She's still weak but the worst is behind. We're about to wake her up."