A/N: I got season three :D :D :D :D ! And holy crap it's great! I just wished I didn't know already what's going to happen to Vinny… but anyway, finally! :D :D :D
As to this story – I never knew how far it would go or, honestly, how it would end. The end I thought for it just didn't seem right suddenly so for now, this is it. Thank you so much to all who read, reviewed, alerted and favorited.

One year later

"I almost lost it when the judge dismissed the cloth as evidence but in the end the jury was on my side. It was a good ending." A small proud smile tugged at the corners of Jamie's mouth, growing bigger until his eyes were filled with tears. He didn't wipe them away. The right to cry was one of the first things Beth and he had argued about, and in the end he had given in.
In the past year he had come to appreciate that rule.

"Erin said I'm good, and by now I think she actually." In the first three months of working as a lawyer, his sister had encouraged and supported him no matter what he was doing, even through the veil of sadness standing between him and the world Jamie had noticed that.
It had been harder than he had imagined to sit in court, not only because missing Beth was a constant ache, wearing him out more than anything else ever had but because he was used to acting before a crime was committed – not reacting to it already happened. His knowledge came back fast enough, years of Harvard weren't likely to be forgotten… ever. What they hadn't told their students, however, was that the job consisted mostly of sitting around, reading and writing protocols and asking the same questions over and over again.
At the end of his second week Jamie had asked himself why on earth he had ever chosen law. Then he been at his father's house where Henry was babysitting Thomas, and every worry, grief and exhaustion had vanished at the sight of his little boy. For some hours at least. The job had called him back, and Thomas had stayed with his grand- and greatgrandfather.
Not being on the streets was bad enough. Not being with Beth was living hell, but within the first weeks, not being with his son had become the worst thing.

A light breeze dried the tears on Jamie's face as he knelt down in front of the stone. He wasn't coming here very often – Beth still was everywhere he looked, and safe in his arms almost every night – but some things couldn't be done in a silent prayer during lunch break. And for all it was worth, many of the biggest decisions he had ever made had been announced at graveyards.
Going to Harvard. Enrolling for the academy to become a cop. Finding Joe's killer. Quitting being a cop to work as a lawyer instead.

"Hey." He closed his eyes and silently called for the image of his wife. He still needed her to support him – in his trying to convince her, stupid enough. It wasn't as if she would say anything against his plans.
"I know this isn't your fault, I hope you know that too. We couldn't have known it was going to happen this way. And for all it's worth I would do it again. I would not change a minute of our life because it was perfect." The words stumbled over his lips, fast and heavy. It had taken a long time to accept that he was angry at Beth, for being sick, for accepting her death, for getting better only to die all the same.
"I love you. I have since I met you and I will till I die… and beyond. And I know you loved Thomas and me, so…" His voice broke, together with his resolution. Too weary to stand up Jamie sat on his heels and buried his face in his hands.
He had had this talk before – with his mother, and with Joe. Bargaining.
It always felt like betraying.

"Jamie?"
He didn't know how long he had been sitting there when his father stepped next to him.
Jamie didn't bother standing up. "I take it you heard-"
"I did." Frank's glance followed his son's to the stone that marked the last rest of his daughter-in-law. Her time in the Reagan's family had been rather short, but the impact the young woman had made was still perceptible. Not only on Jamie.
"Is Erin still mad at me?"
"She's fussing over her little nephew, she's not able to be angry at anyone right now." Thomas was just learning to walk, a constant challenge to everyone around. And already he seemed to be fascinated by fire.

"I wanted to bring him here, but…" Jamie shook his head again as he stood up. When he looked at his father it seemed to Frank as if he was a child again, as innocent as can be yet already hit hard by life. Mary's mother had died shortly after Erin was born, her father when Jamie was about five years old. Old enough to understand the sadness of death, but not the bitterness it could leave you with.
The unspoken accusations, the wish to be dead as well. The slow steps back into life that made you feel guilty when you noticed them.

"Do you think she's disappointed?"
Frank sighed. "Do you think you are doing the right thing, son?"
Jamie looked back at the stone. "I… I promised I would stay out of danger. Also to mom. I promised I… it's just – neither of them was endangering herself either. And still they're gone and I'm here. I just struggle to see a sense in that." He looked at his father from the corners of his eyes, shyly. "Do you know what I mean?"
"I do." Frank's eyes moved to the left where his son and his wife lay buried. "If you find an answer that makes perfectly sense please give me a call." He pouted as he felt tears building in his eyes. "As far as I have experienced it you never stop wondering if the things you did for the people you loved were enough." He wanted to say more but his voice wasn't going to carry any longer, and for some minutes the two widower stood in silence.
"Your mother" Frank began eventually "always knew you wanted to be a cop. As well as we all did. And when we came to visit you on your first term in Harvard, she asked one of your fellow students what he thought would become of you. I think we intimidated the young man, he said he thought you could do everything that you wanted." A small but genuine smile appeared on his face, and involuntarily Jamie smiled with him. "Who was that?"
"I don't know." The Commissioner sighed. "Your mother seemed even more worried by that answer. She kept asking the poor boy what your plans were, and whether you were happy. That was her biggest concern, Jamie – that you would not live the life you wanted because of her."
Jamie shivered. "And that's supposed to make me feel better?"
"It's supposed to make you think" Frank said firmly. "Life is short, Jamie. We never know how much time we have with the people we love. You have a wonderful family. A wonderful son. Both need you, both deserve you to be in their life. But how much of your time you will give them is your decision, and yours only. You can dedicate your life to someone but you can't give it to them. It won't make their life longer, and it won't make you happier. You have to live for yourself, son. You have to be the best version of what you think you can be. And if you think that as a lawyer you can't be that person, then you have to change it."
"I just wish I could explain it to her" Jamie murmured, "but it feels more like a lame excuse than a justification whenever I try." He bit his lips but then couldn't hold back his fear: "I've lost Beth, now I'm afraid I'm losing my faith."
Frank placed a hand on his youngest' shoulders. "Your brother Danny went through the exact same thing a couple of years ago, I heard."
"Danny?"
"Danny. But you don't know that from me." He winked but there was no smile anymore. Burying Beth and seeing Jamie struggle to get on alone hit closer to home than he had thought. Mary had gone almost peacefully, and they had had some time to say farewell, but it had been too short nevertheless. She was meant to play with her grandchildren, sing wrongly in the bathroom and fall asleep beside him – not lying here, broken to dust.
And he wasn't meant to be here looking at her grave, walking, eating, living alone. There were his children and grandchildren and his father who kept him here, and of course – his thirty-four thousand children in blue, and everyone in New York City that counted on him. Life had not gone completely bad when Mary had died. But even the most beautiful road trip gets painful when you have to go on it on your own, and the road he had chosen was by far not always beautiful. There were some days when his sincere belief in God, in meeting Mary one day again, was the only thing that kept him from following her at once.
"If you had lost your faith you would not try to explain anything. It is your faith in heaven where Beth is that makes you want her to understand. Now I don't know what heaven looks like. But I knew your mother, and I knew your wife. They loved you and they wanted you to be happy. And I know it is hard to be happy when you lost the person you wanted to spend your life with, Jamie. I know that. It is hard enough to pick yourself together each morning and live. But there are good things around you. There are things you should be happy about. And whatever helps you to be happy, do it."
When Frank looked up he saw Jamie having come closer, his eyes filled with a gentleness nobody else had, and that Jamie in the past year seemed to have lost as well.
"Thank you, dad."
"Anytime, son." Stronger even than grief and tiredness Frank felt relief. The scar from losing his beloved wife would always remain, but this was a wound nobody had seen coming nor had been able to avoid. Other wounds, though, could be healed. Medication could be found.
And for Jamie, being a police officer was it.

"I see you at dinner." With a last glance to Mary and Joe Frank turned around, leaving Jamie to kneel down again.
"I know you want me to be happy. It's just not that easy without you. There's so much you should see." He looked up in the sky. "Maybe you do." He closed his eyes.
"Beth Reagan, I promised I would take care of our son. I will, always. I will do anything for him, you know that. I want him to be happy, and I want him to be proud of his parents. You are and will always be a part of me. One of the parts that make me a better man than I thought I could be. Thomas is another part. And being a cop is one as well. I'll hold to my promise. I'll have my schedule be planned according to raise our son as good as I can. He'll never be alone. He'll have… everything he needs. I'll make sure of that. I want him to be as happy as we were, Beth. I want him to be whoever he wants to be. And I…" Jamie swallowed. No matter how often he went over it in his mind, this sounded selfish.
But he had to keep on living, and he had to learn to love life again. How else could he teach his son to do the same?

His cell buzzed with a text message from Renzulli – newly promoted captain of the twelfth and from the following day once again his boss.
A ray of sun fought its way through the clouds and exploded into sparks of light as it hit the display.
08:00, bring some coffee.

"And I just want to be a cop. I've always wanted to be. It's who I am. I'm a father, and a cop, and a son and brother and uncle. And I love you, Beth. I will always love you."