Miss insensitive writer is back. Last chapter was pretty nasty? Wait and read this one!
An important announcement! This is the first chapter rated M. (i know that i also have readers under 18). Is not really a "lemon" (or how these scenes are called here), it's more the psychological implication of the characters than the physical relation that turns this chapter into M.
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-purplepam, yep, poor Byakuya. I know that was kind of insensitive from my part.
-your-darkangel07, here's a strong ichiruki supporter. Not even Byakuya's broken heart couldn't make her change its mind
-animeyumegirl, salut! Aaah, ma bucur ca o agreezi pe Haruna. Ceilalait nu o prea pot inghiti :))
-Rukia Heart, well in this moment (at least) , it looks like an ichiruki. I mean, i don't see how Byakuya could accept Rukia after he saw what he saw.
-lizzy, thank you so much! I'm really glad you like it!
-teshichan, to be honest i believe that all character's toruture has begun, because in this second part they are all admiting their feelings in front the ones they love
-saiya-jinPan140, Finnaly someone who wants Byakuya with Haruna! Thank you!
-Rndd , oui Arranged Marriage est facile et agreable ,tandis que les choses ici commenent a devenir de plus en plus complique. Oui, j'admets ca! :)
-itsruby, that will be interesting (for me as writer) if you'd change for being on Byakuya's side, haha.
-loverukia, yep poor Byakuya... but after this chapter i will better say poor Haruna...
-Araiae4u, of course there will be a spring after this cold rain. Just hang on a little longer.
-ngoknguyen3004, well to be honest i'm not even expecting Rukia to please anyone. Someone will be left outside. Let's see who will finally be:)
-andyantopia, all in all you want to say that a happy ending will be a "byaruki" one?
-ra7matigorti2, Hi, thank you for your reviews :). First of all i'm glad that you liked the "the lifeless marble statue" poem and that you like Haruna. I was really surprised that a byaruki fan actually read this fic. There were not many byaruki moments until now, but i'm glad that few as they were you liked them.
Anyway, enjoy!
Here you have Haruna's perspective of the longest night of this story.
Haruna
or
I'm going back to the start
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That night i smoke 10 cigarettes and went to bed early. I knew that Toto will not be back until the next day and somehow, I was feeling a little strange… I was the one who told him to go after her and yet I am the one left alone tonight. How can I be that masochist? Where did I go wrong so that my heart will feel so heavy now?
There was a song from the human's world that I liked a lot and its lyrics sounded like this:
"Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start"
Sometimes I wish I could also go back to the start:
I was a child and my father told me to go and greet the future leader of the Kuchiki Clan. I didn't want it, but my father always knew better than me; ever since I was little, he knew how important that person would be for me, so he pulled all the strings he could to convince Ginrei to make me Byakuya's fiancé.
"Why do I have to marry a person I'm not in love with?" I asked him as a child.
"Because, it's better to marry a person that you already love than one you'll think you love at a certain moment. You can do better than a summer love" he answered.
He was right, but back then I was so young and ignorant.
The truth is, when I was young I didn't know how I felt about Byakuya . The only thing I knew was that every time I was imposing a distance, something was pulling me back as if he was a magnet. Before I knew we became inseparable.
But where was the place our hearts truly belonged?
Sometimes he could see when something was troubling me. During those moments, he forcedly took my head and put it on his lap. He started to play with my hair, braiding it, while I was slowing opening my heart in front of him. Even so I wasn't in love with him…back then.
Back then…
A while we were brother and sister, but eventually, we found that joke to childish. That's why even when he could talk properly, he never called me "One-chan". I was always to remain Nene-cha for him… which meant only half of a sister. The other half was meant to be a fiancé.
A long time ago I was his fiancé, but I guess I was too young for that kind of compromise. Being both teenagers, our marriage would have been the strangest thing. It wouldn't have been a loveless marriage, but neither a passionate one. Our passion had other color. We were like two soul mates reunited after countless centuries of loneliness and misunderstandings. The truth is that I always loved him, but love comes in different shapes. My mistake was that I lived with the feeling that we will always be together, so indulged myself to take the time before falling in love. I first wanted to have fun and I wanted to see the world. I knew that if he'd be by on my side, eventually I would madly fall for him…
I always supposed that he loved me, too. I didn't know if it was a romantic love, but unlike me, in front of the others, he never thought of me as something else than his fiancé.
Yes he must have loved me deeply. When we were young, I was the center of his universe. One day, though, everything changed...It was the day we got back from the human world and Toto's life turned upside down. All we had, all we built turned to be dust in the wind in front of the problems that overwhelmed him back then. I had no objection when we parted… I even made all that I could so the separation would be easier for him. Indeed: no objections, no words, no tears… but it was too late. I was already madly in love with him.
What a capricious woman like me could do about her broken heart? Because the day we parted was also the day I died.
I never got the chance to confess my feelings. If ever had a slight intention while we were in the human world, it vanished the moment we returned to Seireitei. It is a well know things that many useless separations take place because people can't say the right words on the right moment, but on my case, I knew that confessing my feelings, wouldn't have made it any difference. Toto didn't love me anymore. Toto didn't love anybody, anymore. Of course, he was an honorable man and he would have never broken the engagement, but forcing him into a marriage he didn't wanted, that he didn't care anymore was out of the question. I loved him too much for dragging him into this.
I knew that breaking an official Kuchiki engagement would be difficult, but for Toto I was ready to do anything. So I did a couple of terrible things back then, that even now, he doesn't know about:
Even now I cry when I remember all that I did…even now I remember the pain in my abdomen…those dirty and illegal utensils that so called "doctor" brought to slice my womb… The Rukongai smell in my clothes and hair… me laying on the edge of death… Hisana begging me to call Toto and end all this…"Tell Byakuya-sama about the child! You must call him!" she kept saying, but I didn't call him, because there was no child. Not anymore. Hisana called Byakuya though and the only thing I could tell her were exactly the same words I whispered to her while Toto was still a teenager:
"I think Toto likes you… Go and spend more time with him!"
And she did… and they got married…I really hoped that with her, Toto will be happy again, but even if he tried, even if he loved his wife, Toto never returned to the person he used to be before that tragedy. For that I hated my father… so much that I wanted to kill him. But then I decided that too many blood has been spilled on this clan. When I finally found the strength to forgive him I also tried to repair the wrong he did, but I guess some mistakes are not be repaired. Even now I remember Uncle Oza's words ,that day, while on my right hand I was holding Nenomori and on the left one I was holding the Kazuki blade: "My dear child… you came too late. There is no present that could suit me or comfort my pain. I'm afraid that some things cannot be erased, not even by your Nenomori."
So I was hopeless. My zanpakuto was useless for the ones I wanted to protect. When I finally understood that, I resign from Gotei 13. Shiba Kaien was so upset that he never spoke to me again… I couldn't care less. I knew that I was powerless and that I lack the motivation to carry on with my duties. What I needed was a new start.
That's why I returned to the human world. During the time spent there I try to fall in love, but I never succeeded. Instead I got married four times. It was fun I can't deny it, but I kept asking myself where did I left my heart? During the sixty years I was gone from Soul Society I met Toto only once and that was during Hisana's funeral. It was the first time seeing him in four years… and still I wished I didn't. Toto was not himself anymore. Along with Hisana the last remainders of the man I was desperately in love with, disappeared. In his place came Kuchiki Byakuya, the cold and heartless creature the whole Seireitei knows…
After the funeral I went back to the human world and I promised myself to not meet him ever. I vowed to cut all the ties with my feelings and life I used to have and I would have succeeded... If one day, one year after my forth husband died, the sky broke upon me and I felt the spiritual pressure dropping considerably. In that moment I knew that Oza was back. No matter how much I wanted to break with my past, he kept coming back to me.
"Will you help me?" Oza asked me.
"Haven't I helped you already?" I replied him.
"I need a different kind of help this time. I told you, some things cannot be erased … not even by your Nenomori"
"We'll see about that when I'll get Nenomori back!" I snapped.
"Looking forward to see you again, then!" he shout from behind, but I was already on my way to Seireitei.
That's how I decided to return to Soul Society. I had to destroy this past that kept coming back to me.
After 56 years I found Byakuya still grieving over Hisana. It was hard to call him Toto, but it become easier when I heard his lips spelling "Nene-cha" the same way he did when we were children. For a second he made me feel that i was still belonging to him. In a way I was still belonging to him…
Once, I tried to cut ties with my heart… 60 years I kept asking myself where did I left it so I'd know what paths to avoid… and then I saw Byakuya and I knew where my heart was left all this time…
I was still in love him…
So why?
Why am I trying so hard to marry him off with Hisana's sister? Is it because I know that his heart will never be mine again? Or is it because no matter how much it will hurt me, I want to see him happy and smiling again?
Yes, I want him happy, but… how can I put up with my capricious and broken heart?...
How can I put up with the fact that this little Rukia has succeeded everywhere I failed? In front of her Byakuya it's again the childish, spoiled, carefree man he used to be… How can I compete with that? And why should I compete when she's making him so happy?!
Byakuya's happiness it's above my feelings, so I decided to help him with Rukia… but this doesn't stop me from wishing that things could be different.
My last husband told me once, not long before he died:
"I love your beauty and your presence around me… but I'm old and sometimes I wish I could go back to the start. I think that if I could, I would take you along with me…"
Poor thing, he really loved me. I'm sorry I couldn't return his feelings… but I thought a lot about his words. I still do… because I also want to go back to the start…
Byakuya…
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That night, I went early to bed, but I couldn't close an eyelid… I was thinking of lighting another cigarette when rain started. So strange… it never rains in Seireitei…
I started to listen to the sound of the rain while watching the smoke of my cigarette, mixing with the blue moonlight… and then, in that moonlight, I saw some on my porch, pulling the door.
My heart skipped a beat:
"Toto?... Toto is that you?" I asked.
But he didn't answer. He silently approached me and when he reached my bed he thrown himself over me. I couldn't see his face, but he was all soaked… his face was wet…his eyes were wet. I started to tremble scared.
"Toto what happened?" I asked.
He put his arms around me and buried his face on my chest. He didn't say a word but some strange sounds were coming out of his throat, as if he was trying to cry and he couldn't.
"Toto…Why aren't you with Rukia? Did something happen to her?" I insisted.
On the sound of that name, he clinched his hand tighter around me, and bit the collar of my sleeping yukata. My skin instantly turned hot, but I tried to control myself and keep my mind clear. I came to my senses and took his face from my décolletage, but when I met the expression on his eyes, I felt that my heart broken for the second time that night. In dark, grey eyes, i could see clearly what happened: Rukia had let him down. Rukia had cheated on him… It must have been that Kurosaki boy. I also feared that… but I never thought Rukia would have gone that far. I bit my lips strongly, but my chin continued to tremble. I just couldn't bear to see him torn apart like this… In that moment, i hated that Rukia! Hated her with all my heart!
"Take… take your zanpakuto…" Toto managed to say. "Take it and kill my pain… Make me forget about her… about me…about…" but here he swallowed his words and buried his face on my chest again. I could feel that he was also trembling and I felt so helpless. There was nothing I could do to take his pain away. And then i felt his hands sliding in the large sleeves of my yukata until they reached my naked back. I instantly froze…
"Take it! Take your Nenomori and stab me! Only you can help me now… I just want to forget their… kisses….embraces…laughs!"
But how could I do that? How could make him forget the only reason he was smiling? Maybe he wished to forget about her tonight, but tomorrow he will hate me if I'll fulfill this wish… Oh, haw I hated this Rukia!
But how could a think clear when his hands…?
"Nene-cha…" he whispered lowering his have on my shoulder. "Why can't I even cry?"
And while he was speaking, his lips were touching my neck and his nails were painfully scratching my naked back. Slowly tears, filled my eyes, blurring my sight.
"Why won't the tears come out?" he added. " Make them come out…Make me human"
But did he knew that the tears he was yearning, were countless and unstoppable… falling on my cheeks.
"Byakuya… I don't know what to do…" I finally said. "It pains me so much to know you like this. I can't look at you right now…"
"Then don't…" he said coldly facing me again.
My eyes widened. His hands climbed on my back until they reached my shoulders, underneath my yukata. I felt how he was slowly pushing me on surface of the bed. Oh! Why among all possible things he was asking for this? … Why only the most hurtful could comfort him now?
"Byakuya… don't…" I whispered.
He stopped. He let go of me and I felt inertly on pillows. A deep frown appeared on his forehead as he realized what he was about to do and his eyes were filled with guilt.
"I'm sorry…" he said hardly.
Those words… They made my heart beat so fast. But no! I've had enough of this hopeless heart of mine!
"Don't be sorry…" I said trying to fake a cold voice. "It's just that if I'd let you, you'd regret tomorrow …"
"I'm sorry…" he repeated facing the white sheets with a lost expression. I'm sure that my words didn't even reach him so… who was I fooling? Myself or my heart? I couldn't bear the emptiness in his eyes! I had to get up and take him in my arms. His body started to tremble. I didn't know if he was truly crying or if he was only desperately trying to cry. Both ways, I had to hold him tight… warm and safe, away from any harm!
"I'm sorry…It's just that…I love her so much and she was never mine… she never looked at me…" he added while he unconsciously he answered to my embrace. He took me again in his arms and pushed me on bed.
"I love her so much…"
I felt terrible to hear those words while he was slowly pushing me on bed, again… but I just couldn't reject him for the second time. I didn't have strength for that… I couldn't fight both, my heart and Byakuya, at the same time. I finally let him lay me on my back…
"So much…" he kept saying and I closed my eyes pretending that I didn't hear a thing. But then he added:
"As much… as I loved you…"
My eyes widened. He said he loved me… After all these year, he was finally admitting it. It was pointless. Those words couldn't make any difference, but they made me happier than I ever was in the last 60 years. Tears started to fall again. Their bitter tastes were mixing with the taste of his broken kisses… and I couldn't stop thinking of the fact that once upon a time my place was in his heart. There was a time when he loved me also. I wish I could go back there… or at least have o new start, starting with this moment, with this kiss. But how could I ask for a new start when his lips are yearning for someone else?
Rukia's image reappeared in my mind, crushing all my dreams. Byakuya's lips were yeaning for that little woman and meanwhile they were painfully biting my exhausted and sinful body. I suddenly felt so old and so… ugly.
"You're so beautiful…" he said.
"But not as beautiful as her, right?" I said sorrowfully.
He frowned and brutally put a hand on my mouth as if he was about to suffocate me.
"Stupid woman!" he scolded me. " I loved you! You have no idea how much!... So don't blame her for taking your place! You're the one who left it first!"
My chin started to tremble. He slowly let go and leaned over my lips wondering if he should kiss them or not. In that moment I was thinking that I dropped my yukata on the floor… that I was naked and weak. Finally, he decided to stay away from my lips and descend to my neck.
Byakuya, why do you fear my kiss so much? Toto, why?
But my thoughts and heartbeats are not reaching him!
I just want to go back…
Back to the start…
Back to the stars…
But it is too late. Oh, dad! I hate you so much for taking Byakuya away from me!
The room was so silent. Only the rain outside and the sheets rustling beneath us could be heard. But the more silent we were the stronger his reiatsu became. By now, I'm sure that the whole manor knew that the head of the clad decided to pay me a night visit. As a matter a fact a pair of steps was approaching in hurry my room. Those steps were getting heavier and louder… until a silhouette appeared on the porch. Byakuya didn't even notice it, while I couldn't distinguish it because of my tears. However, I knew who it was:
I let my body inert in Byakuya's arms and faced my father. The mighty Goroza Ryoying, starring plainly and speechless at the only people he had ever cared for but who had also hurt the most.
"Are you happy, now?" I whispered facing him, but Byakuya raised his eyes to me, with a hurtful expression..
"What kind of question is that?" Byakuya said before he leans again over my neck. He thought I was addressing to him, because caught up in his dreams he still didn't notice my father's presence on the porch.
I didn't answer, because my eyes were still facing hatefully, my father. I suppose that my glare troubled him since he backed off almost scared, closing the door, behind him.
Byakuya heard the noise and looked around suspiciously, but to distract him, I took his face in my palms. I pulled him closer and approached his lips. He startled in hesitation.
"At least kiss me on the lips…" I begged, demanding a price for that night… and for my broken heart.
He frowned. He feared that kiss…It really scared him, but he knew that nothing could be free, not even in the afterlife. He closed his eyes and pressed his lips on mines.
Oh,I missed them so much! The first moment I felt their taste I forgot about everything… Oza, my father, Rukia, the pain that will torn me apart when I'll wake tomorrow…Now, I just felt as If i was learning to breathe again. I never seemed to notice, but Byakuya's kisses were like the air for me…
"Oh, take me back to the start!…." I whispered in the silence of that room while my long legs were encompassing his hips.
I guess the sound of those words troubled him, because he pressed his lips on mines once again. He pressed them harder than before as if he wished me to remain silent. He didn't want me to play with that Pandora box I just opened, when i let him inside me. He feared the feelings I could get out from that box…
"To the start…" I whispered once again and all his muscles tensed as he held me tighter.
"To the start, Nene-cha?…" I heard his voice in my ear. " It would be easier to take you back to the stars…"
The stars?... I guess it's not such a bad idea. At least is better than nothing.
"Then… take me there…" I replied and I loosen my body, allowing him to come inside me…
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After this chapter if you're still hating Haruna... well i don't know what to think then...
Anyway! Let me know what you think! Remember : the more you review the faster i update :)