Dating Rule: Stop Looking For Perfection

His fingers couldn't move fast enough to keep up with the words pouring feverishly out of his mind. He was in a zone. Page after page, hour after hour, thoughts and ideas he had toyed around with but had not yet committed to paper until today; a day when an overwhelming feeling to write came over him. When he got like this he could easily forego food and sleep; nothing else mattered but emptying his thoughts before they vanished. Re-writes and edits would come later but the raw material; the framework of the storyline had to be written while it was still fresh.

Fitz never considered whether this book would be worthy of publishing; it really didn't matter to him. He didn't care if anyone ever read the story or even if they liked it. It was his story; his vision; a version of life as he saw it. Characters, circumstances, trials, happiness's, causes and effects – everything he invented as he spun a web so real and so deep that he enjoyed the challenge of helping them find a way out; finding a way to recover and renew themselves. It was a story that was inside of him, gnawing at him, desperate to come out. It was his outlet, his release of pent up emotions and feelings and today it had become his therapy.

When Fitz typed the last word of the 4th chapter he completed that day, he smiled to himself, feeling a sense of accomplishment; his own private celebration where he could admire his work and know that he had done something good. It felt wonderful to be writing again. It was like a part of him had awakened; what was dormant due to a lack of interest and motivation had come to life. The momentary healing process had worked.

As Fitz stood and stretched his muscles, he noted that it was already after 9:30PM – the whole day had passed by, without him realizing it. But it was still one of the best days he had in a while; he had been in a funk since the Amanda-thing broke and he was tired of feeling sorry for himself. He needed to get over it; this was just another hurdle life had thrown at him, and eventually he would climb over.

The magazine decided that he needed to work from home, especially since Amanda had returned to work and it wouldn't be good for them to be forced to interact with each other while the investigation into her claim continued. According to them, he was not being disciplined or punished; they only wanted to make sure that a hostile work environment was not created. Fitz was as accommodating as he could be; talking with the investigators for two hours answering questions, explaining his side and providing facts to support the reasons why her claim was frivolous. He couldn't tell whether they believed him or not but he hoped that this whole situation would soon blow over and he could get back to life as normal.

But now, since it had been three days, he wondered just where the investigation was headed and when they would update him or at least let him review this supposed evidence Amanda claimed to have.

For what seemed to be the 100th time, he picked up his phone and almost dialed her number – just wanting to hear her voice; just wanting to talk to her about anything and about everything. He missed her but she wanted space and he promised to give it to her. He owed it to her, especially after pretty much pulling the rug out from under her. She automatically believed that he was an innocent, a target of some type of malicious scheme a 'psycho-girl' dreamed up to ruin him. She was ready to do battle for him; to do whatever it took to clear his name; to see that he got justice.

He'd never forget the look in her eyes when the realization of who he was and what he had done hit her. It was enough to melt him where he stood, to make him recoil and hide away in shame. The act itself wasn't what bothered him; it was the fact that he had let her down; disappointed her, when she had unwavering confidence in him. Looking in her eyes, all of his past ugly deeds came rushing upon him and he hardly felt like the good guy she wanted.

Olivia was the first woman Fitz cared about enough to put value on what she thought of him. He wanted her approval. Her opinion mattered and to know that he had lessened in her eyes saddened him. He remained held up in his house, not wanting to talk or see anyone. There was no communication with the outside world beyond the daily emails he sent to her for the article. The responses he sent were incomplete and insincere, crappy work but he was confident she would fill in the blanks for what he was lacking.

He needed a shower and some fresh air, all of a sudden feeling claustrophobic by the walls in his own house. The water would feel good against his skin, covering every part him, streaming down his body and maybe it would be enough, so that when he emerged he could start to feel clean.

XXXXXX

"Livvy, not everything Amanda is saying is a lie – some of it is…true."

"Before you came to City, it must be over 7 months ago, I was in a real bad place. I have a friend Lincoln – we've been friends since childhood. He hit rock bottom; he was heavy into the entertainment scene; even though we promised each other we wouldn't go that route; we had seen too much of it when were young and it was real, real bad. But he got back into it, too much into it, with the drugs, alcohol, partying. I was the one he would call when he didn't know where he was at 2AM; I was the one he would call crying for no reason except that the past was coming back to haunt him. And I helped him, I had to, since I was the one who encouraged him to get involved with it in the first place. But I guess after I thought we both got out, he fell back in."

"I helped him get sober, get to rehab; he relapsed a couple times but I kept helping him. I was giving so much to him that my own life was spiraling out of control; some days I didn't know whether I was coming or going, I was just so out of it. I was stuck in the past, feeling guilty; trying to take responsibility for his life and for mine. I was missing days at work…Cy covered for me as long as he could but I knew it was only a matter of time before the magazine got rid of me. I was drinking more and more just so I could calm my mind and just go to sleep…Mellie was no help; her answer was "don't' call me until you get your shit together".

"One day out of the blue, Amanda shows up on my doorstep; she had been missing me at work and came by to see how I was doing. I honestly don't even remember much about that day. I just remember that she just listened while I unloaded my troubles on her. I don't remember everything I said, but I remember feeling…good…that I could talk to someone without feeling judged or criticized. I was thankful for her…I remember she came by the next weekend and I thought she just wanted to talk again…I thought we were becoming friends. But I soon realized that she was an enabler. She encouraged the drinking…I think she liked me in my weakened state because then I would do things she knew I wouldn't normally do, like have sex with her, which I did, twice. I knew it was wrong as soon as it happened and I swear I don't know if I was lonely, horny or just plain stupid because I wasn't even attracted to her. I told her that it was a mistake and I only wanted her as a friend. She said she understood…I thought she understood."

"I got myself together and worked my ass off at the magazine. I rarely talked to Amanda after that except in passing. We never went out or dated, we didn't have a relationship and I never promised her anything. This article is our brainchild – me and Cy – and we had to sell it to the magazine until they agreed and they gave it to me and then…then they let me have you….."

XXXXXX

Olivia typed the same word for the 5th time, wanting to abandon the document all together but forcing herself to concentrate on the response to the question from one of the readers – a woman who regretted sleeping with the guy on the first date and now he couldn't understand why she wanted to slow things down by invoking the abstinence policy until they knew each other better. Olivia almost typed something nasty as her response but she figured calling the woman 'stupid' wouldn't go over very well.

She sighed as she felt a headache coming on and realizing that her stress level would continue to make her unproductive. She looked back at the question and almost laughed out loud as she could now identify with the 'stupid' woman. Hadn't she tried to do the same thing? Even worse, she tried to sleep with Fitz and they hadn't even had a first date! She propositioned him because she was outrageously attracted to him and she wanted to take a risk but she really didn't even know him. Had she had her way, they would have made a big mistake – ruining their friendship and any possibility of anything more. But he stopped them. He stopped her from doing something she would have regretted later and how did she repay him? What was her 'thank-you' to him? She got mad and gave him the silent treatment for almost two weeks.

When she finally felt they could move forward and pursue something more, this Amanda Tanner thing popped up. His explanation played over and over in her mind, reminding her how naïve she had been, assuming that he never had a relationship with Amanda; that he would never….Never what?….Sleep with a woman? That was ridiculous; of course he slept with women. He was a very attractive man who probably had many women throwing themselves at him all the time. So then why was she angry at him? Why did she feel like he let her down in a profound way? Why had she pushed him away yet again when she knew he needed a friend, especially now when everything seemed to be stacked against him?

Expectation of Perfection. At EW, Olivia wrote feature article about women looking for the 'perfect' man. The magazine had polled over 100 single women and discovered that their criteria for the ideal mate listed multiple items that were either superficial or inconsequential to a lasting relationship. He had to be 6'7"; he had to have green eyes; he had to drive a BMW 7 Series – all nice to have's but no guarantee of happiness. So while it was important for women to have standards, some were setting their expectations so high that they ended up sabotaging potentially good relationships because they were still searching for the 'perfect' man.

Olivia thought she had beat the odds, she had found the perfect man; Fitz was perfect to her in every way that mattered. She thought back to the night she stayed with him; his only thought was to bring out her passion, to show her pleasure; his selflessness so genuine and apparent. It was an amazing night; a night of firsts for her because she had never connected with a man in that way; she had never felt so much desire for a man. She remembered the feeling of security and hope; two words that she could not use to describe any relationship she had in the past. The way he treated her; the way he cared for her; he was better than any man she had known, he was just….perfect.

Discovering a kink in his armor meant he no longer met her unrealistic expectation of perfection. He never lied or pretended to be something he wasn't but in her mind, she had made him perfect. Putting people in that impossible category, however, made it difficult to accept when they made very human mistakes. And now Olivia was punishing him for something in his past, something he had done before he even knew her. She frowned at herself, feeling the headache coming on stronger; the confusion, the hurt and the frustration settling in.

She was searching through her desk drawers for some headache medicine when there was a knock at her door, "What!" she yelled much more forcefully than she intended to.

Quinn peaked her head in, "I'm sorry Liv, is this a bad time?" she said skittishly.

Olivia, feeling contrite, immediately stood and walked over to Quinn to invite her in the office. "No it's not Quinn, I'm sorry for sounding rude; I just have a horrible headache."

"It's OK."

"So how can I help you?"

Quinn shifted her weight from one foot to another; obviously nervous about what she needed to say. Olivia sat back down and watched her patiently until she gathered the courage to speak.

She took a deep breath and Quinn began in that rapid fire manner of hers, "I know I'm not supposed to know anything about this…I mean it's none of my business….it's confidential but…but…I really like Fitz…I like you Liv…and these last few days without him with you…I mean, it's just been…weird…And I know it has something to do with Amanda and her accusing Fitz of doing something but…Fitz is a good guy…he doesn't deserve to be a target of Amanda's so I want to help….I want to help him…so I got you this…I'm sure you will know how to use it to help him."

Quinn struggled to calm her breath as she placed a file down in front of Olivia. She had just done something that would automatically get her fired but the rush of excitement; the thrill of the clandestine operation was worth it.

Olivia opened the file and quickly skimmed the documents. She looked up at Quinn in shock, "Quinn, how did you?...Where did you?..."

Quinn smiled. "Cyrus shares the same storage room with HR. Their files are kept in the same place. I have access to the cabinets with personnel files…It's good information in there Liv….use it to help him."

Olivia smiled for the first time in days. "I will Quinn…and thank you." She looked back at the documents. Fitz definitely needed help.

XXXXXX

She missed her deadline and knew that tomorrow there would be hell to pay but she didn't care. She spent the rest of her day making phone calls and doing research on the Internet. She was exhausted and ready to go home. As she exited her office, she stopped short noticing that Cyrus' office light was still on.

"Cyrus I need to talk to you," Olivia had said as she walked into his office and closed the door.

"What is it?" Cyrus asked in his usual stressed-out tone that Olivia had learned to ignore.

"What's going on? With Fitz' case I mean."

"Liv you know I can't talk about that with you. If Fitz chose to tell you then that's his prerogative but this is supposed to be kept confidential."

"Cyrus come on…he's my partner…we've been communicating through email and it's getting frustrating. Things can't go on like this forever."

"I know Liv…I know…Sally has me mapping out alternatives in the event that he doesn't come back."

"What?" Liv couldn't believe the magazine was giving up on him like that. It was a betrayal to him and to them.

"They don't want to hash out a legal battle with Amanda and they definitely don't want the bad publicity from this whole situation. It's a business Liv. There's no room for emotional ties and sentiment."

"Nor loyalty evidently," she concluded sarcastically.

"Listen Liv, it just really doesn't look good for him, so if you have any ideas on the direction for your piece of the article in the event he doesn't come back, let me know. I love Fitz like a son but in the end we have to move on…Fitz has a multitude of options available to him; he'll bounce back, he can take care of himself."

"He's being set up Cy," Olivia surprised even herself by the words she had not yet said aloud to anyone. She had been thinking about it for a while now but dared not to speak it without a certain measure of proof.

"What!"

"Calm down Cy…it's just my gut…it's telling me he's being set up."

Cyrus regarded her intently. He wondered if she was speaking out of emotion or if he should put any weight to her words. He wanted to believe her. He wanted to believe in Fitz' innocence but the pressure he was receiving from the senior executives was putting him in a bad position. Sexual harassment complaints were always so damned tricky; making sure the complainant was treated fairly and impartially, while still respecting the presumed innocence of the accused party. No matter whose side was chosen, it was certain that there would be negative consequences. They preferred to wash their hands of the whole thing; let Fitz out of his contract and dismiss him all together.

"If you believe that Liv, then you need to encourage him to get the proof that he needs because if not he will soon need to hire himself an attorney."

XXXXXX

It was 1AM. Fitz woke with a start to the loud, persistent knocking on his front door. He checked the time again to make sure he read it right. Who would be coming over at this time?

Fitz struggled to get to his front door and when he looked through the peep hole he was shocked to see who awaited him. He quickly opened the door.

Olivia walked in with another guy he had never seen before. The guy was carrying a laptop bag while pulling a cart stacked with other pieces of equipment on it. "I tried calling you several times," Olivia said.

"I'm sorry, I turned off my phone," he explained and when she gave him a weird look he said, "I just wanted to get some sleep." He had a big argument with his father, which ended in him hanging up in Gerry's face. When Gerry kept trying to call him back, Fitz turned off his phone.

Fitz turned his attention to the guy with Olivia, who as yet had said nothing. "Livvy, who is this?"

"This is Huck. We worked together at EW before he got laid off. He worked in our IT department but he is an expert at finding out practically anything you need with his equipment. He's here to help you. Where can he set up?"

Fitz was still a bit groggy from sleep so he had a little trouble grasping what was going on. "Ummm….there is a guest room right over there it has a desk he can use…I guess. Livvy, can I talk to you in private?"

"Sure."

She directed Huck to the room he could use and followed Fitz into the kitchen. "What is this Livvy? Who is this guy and why is he here?"

"He's here to help you because you need help," she repeated. "You're about to get fired unless you can prove that Amanda is setting you up". She waited for the magnitude of his situation to dawn on him before continuing, "I don't think she is doing this alone and if that's true, then we both know who is possibly helping her. We need an expert, someone who knows what he is doing and how to find what we are looking for. That's Huck."

Olivia previously told him about Mellie coming to her office that day and the timing of her words and the accusation from Amanda seemed a bit too coincidental. At the very least it was an avenue that needed to be investigated.

He took a step toward her but she took a step back. Her body language told him everything; a defensive wall was coming up before his eyes. She was closing herself off from him; not ready or willing to pursue anything personal with him right now. She was here merely as a friend trying to help him – nothing more. He nodded his head in understanding and he accepted it.

He was resigned. "OK…what do you think he will find?"

"If it's out there, Huck can find it. He can do telephone taps, email hacking, surveillance and other things that I'd rather not get into right now. Just know that he is good, very good and he works quickly. He has agreed to take on your case Fitz and we are lucky to have him."

"I'm lucky to have you," he said before he could stop himself. She sucked in her breath but shook her head to dismiss his words.

"Can we…can we put on a pot of coffee? I think he will need it. It might help him stay awake although I don't think he really sleeps anyway," she had successfully diverted the conversation. Deflect. Diversion. Retreat – a new pattern, a routine she employed to protect herself from him.

XXXXXX

"How did you get this information?" Fitz asked in disbelief as he looked over copies of the notes the employee investigators had taken regarding his case.

Olivia cleared her throat. "Fitz I really think the less you know about how I get information the better off we are. That way if you ever are called to answer for it; you won't be forced to lie."

She handed him another folder, "And this is her personnel file…I've already read it and you should too."

He leaned back in his chair and stared at her in awe. The manner in which she had taken charge of everything and her determination to help him was unlike what he had seen in her before. He found this side of her very enticing, irresistible even. The danger was, he noted, that she was detaching herself – either from the situation, from him or from both.

She knew that look and it was unnerving. She would need to leave soon for her own sanity. It did her no good to remain in his presence like this. She quickly continued, "So the findings of their investigation are in here. Pay special attention to the transcript of Amanda's interview."

She was leaning over him, directing him to a particular page in the file. He was filled with her scent. An intoxicating vanilla scent that was unique to her. He inhaled, desperate to hold on to the memory of her for as long as he could. He didn't know if he would get close to her again; whether she would let him back in but in the interim he would have to be satisfied for the faint wisps of her scent that would linger in his home once she left.

She caught him looking at her and stood up from the table quickly, "What we don't have yet is the evidence Amanda claims to have. We need it. But I don't quite know how to get that yet. Why don't you take a few moments to look through the files and I'll check on Huck." She quickly walked away without waiting for his response.

XXXXXX

She was leaving.

"You're in good hands...I'm going to leave," she said as she packed up her things.

"How long do you think all this will take?"

"I don't know…Huck doesn't like to give timelines. According to him, it takes however long it takes. But he knows that we are racing against the clock…So he will work as fast as he can and then we will be out of your hair," she gave him a shaky smile, trying to lighten the mood. The atmosphere had become thick and tense.

"Livvy, it's late, it's 3 in the morning. Why don't you just stay here? There is a spare bedroom. It's too late to be on the road to your house. It's not safe."

"Fitz I need to go…I just, I need to go…," she was breathless, he was standing too close and she couldn't think clearly. "Please."

"Don't…..don't hate me Livvy, just don't," the vulnerability in his voice was unmistakable and it touched her. She didn't want to put words to why she was pushing him away. She didn't want to admit to the fear; an emotion that she didn't ever wanted associated with him, with them. But the fear was real; she didn't know who he really was; how much his past affected who he was today or whether his past would challenge them in the future. She couldn't speak about the doubts and uncertainties. She didn't want to hear herself say it out loud. She had only begun to reconcile it in her own mind and it still had not seemed rational, logical or even reasonable.

She looked up at him. "I could never….I don't hate you Fitz. I don't," her voice was tender, full of affection. He knew he had let her down and she couldn't tell him how to fix it or why she even needed him to fix it. She just knew that the image she built up of him in her mind was changing and it was difficult for her to readjust.

"Will you?...Are you?..." he trailed off. She didn't need him to finish the thought. She knew what he was trying to say, without him having to say it.

"Right now it's not a good time for you and I to be anything but co-workers. People are watching you; Amanda is trying to ruin you and your character is being called into question. So until we can figure all of this out, I don't think we can even consider anything else….It's too much of a risk."

He searched her eyes and after several minutes he finally said, "You're right." He took two steps back from her, putting what seemed to be a fathom of distance between them.

She didn't expect that response. She almost shivered; it was like the air had shifted as he removed his warmth from her. She expected him to argue, put up a fight. She wanted him to push her; make her believe that he could erase all the fears, the doubts and uncertainties. She wanted him to give her hope. Why was he being so accepting? After not seeing her for several days, she thought he would at least try to hug and kiss her. She frowned and tilted her head in confusion.

"Goodnight Livvy, text me when you get home….just let me know you made it safely," he said without coming any closer. He respected her space and wouldn't compromise it. "Thank you for your help Livvy," he concluded.

"You're welcome…I'll text you when I make it in. Goodnight." Olivia said in a voice that betrayed a clear lack of conviction. She shook her head at the conflicting emotions she was experiencing. Up and down, she was in and then she was out; she wanted him and then she pushed him away. What did she really want? Her indecisiveness was frustrating. It was true, she thought, relationships exposed your weaknesses and taught you a lot about yourself. Her sad reality? She was learning just how adept she could become in sabotaging her own potential relationships.

(A/N: Hello readers. I honestly did not realize it had been that long since I updated this story. Is anyone out there still reading this one? LOL. Thank you for the Guest Reviews and your comments. Thank you for those who sent PM to check on me. It has been a long time and I do apologize for the delay. So what are your thoughts on Olivia? She took charge of the investigation easily but can't seem to get it together with Fitz. Let me know your thoughts..Thanks for hanging in there with me. Feedback, criticisms and suggestions are most welcome.)