Maybe He's Just Not Into You
He wasn't happy to see her. And it stung, hard. It registered deep and shook her to the core because no matter what, through it all, the one thing she could always depend on was that spark; a gleam in his eye; a secret tell to show that he was happy to see her. The look that made her feel amazingly beautiful; like she completed his world. But it wasn't there; this look was foreign, unknown and unlike him. There was no moment of connection; no flash of familiarity; the space she asked for had turned into isolation.
She had taken much care with her appearance; the event was important to him and she wanted to make a good impression. She would be meeting one of his closest friends, Lincoln, and his father, Gerry, for the first time. When she walked in, accompanied by Alexis and Harrison, her eyes immediately searched him out, desperate for his company. But the greeting was cold, empty, polite, as if they were strangers meeting for the first time; as if he hadn't known how much she cared for him; as if he didn't care in return. She felt vulnerable, unsure of herself or why she was there. She took a deep breath to steady herself; she wouldn't cry, she would calm down, enjoy the evening and hope the unpleasant feeling would eventually fade.
Her conversation with Lincoln was enjoyable; she liked his company. Several of his mannerisms reminded her of Fitz and it was easy to see why they were close friends. His energy and excitement was boiling over as he saw his vision come to life; it was such a worthy endeavor and Olivia complimented his hard work but Lincoln refused to take all the credit; Fitz had been his lifeline. Olivia's eyes darted to Fitz' side profile and she had to agree; Fitz had been her lifeline as well.
As the evening wore on, she found herself watching for him, waiting for him to come to her; hoping that she could will him to her side; but he never did. At one point she scanned the room and, noticed that he was nowhere around. She panicked, wondering if he would have left without saying goodbye. She excused herself from her sister and went in search for him. She finally located him in a small garden on the far side of the venue. It was hidden, undetectable to the passerby. She almost didn't see him; the dark shadows cloaking his tux but he walked under the light and then she saw him.
"What are you doing out here?" she asked him from behind. He turned and gave her a sideways glance before turning back around. He was hiding from everyone, especially her.
When she got no response, she continued, "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine Olivia, you can go back to the party," he responded gruffly.
She walked closer to him. She didn't want to walk away, not again, not this time. With everything that happened to them this week, all the emotions they were feeling and all the things that had not been said, they needed this; she needed this; it was all or nothing for her now.
"I'm not leaving until you talk to me."
"Fine, you stay, I'm leaving," he responded harshly as he turned around with a fierce look in his eyes that grounded her. He was walking away; he didn't want to talk to her and he was leaving her all alone; much like the way she had left him….alone….
XXX
The Previous Monday
If there was the slightest inclination to underestimate Huck's abilities, they were all gone now. What he had accomplished in the matter of a week was nothing short of miraculous. Not only had he dissected every aspect of Amanda's pitiful life – starting from the abusive boyfriend to the brief hospital stay for the botched suicide attempt and the borderline addiction to prescription medication – but now he had uncovered enough information to discredit her evidence against Fitz.
Amanda had provided a series of emails, all originating from an email used by Fitz, which detailed their 'arrangement' and the supposed promises he made to her. On the surface, the evidence appeared damming; a slam dunk win for her, at least until Huck got involved. He was able to determine without a doubt that Fitz' home computer had been hacked and his email compromised. He traced the IP addresses and confirmed that the activity did not originate from Fitz' computer.
The dilemma was: did Fitz simply want to discredit her or to ruin her. It was a dilemma for Fitz because it was evident that Amanda was not a well person. And he didn't know if he could live with the possibility of being the one who pushed her over the edge. Yet, it was unfair how she targeted him, when he had done nothing to deserve such treatment. He wanted to expose her for the liar she was and make sure she knew how she affected his life. If they merely disproved her statement; then she may do the same thing to someone else. And there was still the question of who was helping her, which Huck had not yet uncovered. The evidence did not lead to Mellie, although Fitz still suspected her involvement in some way.
Olivia and Huck were staring at him waiting for a response. "I need to think about it…I can't decide right now. Give me 24 hours."
The Previous Tuesday
"Fitz, you need to calm down and come back in there," Benjamin told him as he grabbed him by the arm before Fitz snatched away.
"I'm not going back in there Bugsy and you and Gerry can go to hell with all your shady plans," Fitz yelled. They were outside of Gerry's home, after having been summoned there, with Thomas, without an explanation for the request. It was the middle of the week and an inconvenience for them all but as was expected they all showed up, because when Gerry called, you came.
"Our Father is trying to help you…You're in a mess with this girl and you don't seem to realize it. She could potentially drag this entire family's name through the mud all for some revenge against you. We always protect the family Fitz, you know that."
He did know that. He knew what his father was like; what he was capable of; what he would do to protect the empire he built. He shouldn't be angry; it was expected. "I can handle this…I can fix it…I don't need Gerry or you interfering. Just let me handle it." At that moment, Fitz realized he was protecting Amanda's life; she wasn't worth the effort and she didn't deserve his help but he would never devalue a human life the way his family could so easily.
Benjamin was silent; gauging Fitz' ability to do what he said. Thomas, then, came out the house and walked over to them saying, "Gerry's looking for you Fitz. You need to come back inside."
"I will…as soon as Bugsy agrees with me…" Fitz waited for his brother's compliance. Gerry listened to Benjamin; he was the only one Gerry listened to. They were so much alike in their mannerisms and thinking but Benjamin could at least still be reasoned with.
"Alright," Benjamin finally said, "But you have to make it go away Fitz, completely."
"Thanks Bugsy…I will…I already have a guy working on it."
The Previous Wednesday
Fitz felt good. It was like things were finally going his way. He had spent several hours with Huck going over the strategy to get Amanda to confess that she made everything up. It was the best way to make sure the entire matter was dropped and she could never try to pursue something against him in the future; she would discredit herself.
He hadn't seen or talked to Olivia in the past two days. She called and checked in with Huck but continued to only communicate with him through email; but it was time for that to change. Fitz could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and he wanted to share the plan with Olivia; he wanted her to be as enthusiastic as he was and see the possibilities that were opening up for them.
He knew Olivia always lunched at a small bistro across the street from the job. He would surprise her and meet her there; maybe they could have lunch together and finally talk.
When Olivia walked into the bistro, she sighed at the number of patrons; it was full. She looked at her watch and almost left, figuring that it would take too long to get her lunch. She stepped out of line and was about to leave when she bumped into someone familiar.
"Olivia! How are you? Long time, no see."
"Jake how are you?...It has been a long time," Olivia smiled in response to his enthusiasm. He had always been a nice guy, easily likable.
"You're not leaving are you…I just got here…Can we have lunch together?" Jake asked and when he noticed the look of apprehension flare up in her eyes, he quantified his statement, "Just as friends, nothing more."
"Jake, it's much too busy here…I don't think we could even find a table," Olivia said nervously. All the warning bells were going off but she didn't know why. Once she told him they couldn't date, he never pursued it and never did anything untoward. She shouldn't feel uncomfortable but she did and once again, whenever she was in his presence she felt like she was cheating on Fitz.
"No hey look, there's a table right over there…It's perfect by the window…Why don't you go secure it and I'll order for us?"
Olivia bit her lip in worry. She went back and forth in her mind trying to figure out the best course of action. In the end, she figured she was putting too much into a simple lunch meet up. It was nothing really and she should just relax. "Ok," she said as she gave him her order and found the table.
Lunch with Jake was more relaxing than Olivia thought. He was funny and charming. He must have known how tense she was because he spent the entire time telling jokes or stories to make her laugh. She hadn't laughed so hard in a long time and it felt good. With everything that was going on and how stressful life had become; it was nice to forget it all for a moment and have fun.
And that was how Fitz found her. It wasn't only that she was having lunch with Jake; it was the way she looked when she was with him. She was laughing; true spontaneous laughter that only came when the feeling of gaiety was natural. Her body language was open and inviting; not tense or guarded. She looked free and Fitz realized that he couldn't remember her looking like that with him. She didn't feel that way with him. Everything with them had always been so edgy and uptight that there were very few moments where they could relax and be happy. That was the word he was looking for; she looked happy. He turned around and left the bistro; hoping that she never saw him and never knew that he had come there in search of her. It was just best to let it all go.
Jake's head popped up and he said, "Oh isn't that your friend, the one you write the article with….what's his name? Fitz, right?" Olivia had only told Jake about her professional relationship with Fitz, nothing more.
Olivia turned around in shock. She searched the bistro for him but didn't see him anywhere. She excused herself and went outside to see where he could be but she saw nothing. He had vanished. Had he come there to see her? Why didn't he tell her he was coming? Did he see her with Jake? Shit, Olivia thought. She went back to the table and retrieved her phone, telling Jake she had an emergency and would talk to him later. She called Fitz several times but it kept going to voicemail. She left him multiple text messages asking him to call her. But she had the sinking feeling; a hole forming in her core telling her that he was done and he had decided to let it all go.
The Previous Thursday
Huck told her that Fitz had not been home. He had no idea where he was but if she wanted him to, it wouldn't take much to find him. Olivia told him no; obviously Fitz felt like he needed this time away and she didn't want to infringe on his privacy. She would be patient; allow him to take whatever time he needed and wait for him to return.
Fitz was ready to put the plan he devised with Huck into action; that had not changed. Other things in his life had changed, certain things were not going his way; but this he could finally control; this could finally be a win for him. He was momentarily distracted but he needed to act quickly or his family might think he failed and take matters into his own hand.
He was headed home to retrieve some documents when he got a call from Cyrus asking him to come to his home later that evening. Fitz tried to get out of it; postpone it for another time, he had a lot to do; but Cyrus was insistent that he come tonight. It was related to his case and it was important.
When Fitz got there he was surprised to find Olivia's car already parked in the driveway. He had no idea why she needed to be here if it was related to his case. Maybe Cyrus needed to talk about the future of the article or finding his replacement; that would be the only thing that would involve her.
"Fitz, thanks for coming," Cyrus said in greeting as he directed him to the study where he found Olivia sitting on the couch. "Have a seat," Cyrus suggested and he complied by selecting a seat on the other side of the room. Olivia noted his body language; he was closed off; unbending. He barely greeted her, avoided eye contact and now he was sitting as far away from her as he could.
Fitz addressed Cyrus, "What's going on? Why am I here?"
"I wanted to speak to you both away from the office because I need to ask you to do something that is going to appear strange and unusual, but nevertheless, I need you both to be on board…I need you both to stand down on what you're doing; stop your investigation into Amanda Tanner. Leave it alone. Let it go."
Fitz and Olivia shared a look of shock and disbelief. How could they just let this go and allow Fitz to suffer the consequences of a false claim? They were both about to voice their refusals when Cyrus raised a hand to stop them and continued, "She's gone…Amanda Tanner is gone…where, I can't say…how, I can't say….Just know that everything has been taken care of and she's done…It's all over…Fitz is in the clear."
"Well I guess that's a good thing…What does this mean for Fitz?" Olivia asked after a marked period of silence.
"It means that everything goes back to normal. There's no black mark on your record. Your reputation with the magazine remains untattered. You can start back to work tomorrow, if you're ready."
Fitz' mind was reeling. What happened to Amanda? Did his family do something? What did Cyrus know? So many questions. Did they expect him to just pretend that everything was okay, when it clearly was not? He stood and said, "Thanks Cyrus for your help…I'll call you tomorrow about returning to work…I just need….I'll let you know." He walked out of the room in a daze; what had they done?
He almost made it to his car but he heard her calling for him. When she caught up to him, she asked "Are you alright Fitz? This is good news isn't it?"
He could barely look at her. His voice was strained when he finally found the words to speak, "It seems that way…I've got to go…Thanks for your help Olivia."
XXX
Friday morning came and there was no word from Fitz. Olivia kept checking in with Cyrus but he said he would let her know if there were any updates. Even Cyrus had a look of worry on his face and that made Olivia even more anxious. Where was he? What was he doing?
"Huck have you seen him?" Olivia asked when she called him. She was tired of waiting around to hear word.
"I saw him earlier this morning. He helped me pack up my stuff. He…well he didn't look right...not like he normally looks. Something's wrong with him."
"I know and he won't let me in to help him. He won't respond to my messages. I don't know what to do?" she said desperately.
"You're gonna have to let him be. He knows you care. He'll contact you when he's ready. You have to leave him alone…Something happened but he's not ready to talk about it."
The gnawing feeling, ever-present since she knew Fitz saw her with Jake, kept intensifying; a hole that kept expanding; she was losing control of everything. She disconnected the call with Huck; put her head down and just cried.
XXX
….."I'm not leaving until you talk to me."
"Fine, you stay, I'm leaving," he responded harshly as he turned around with a fierce look in his eyes that grounded her. He was walking away; he didn't want to talk to her and he was leaving her all alone; much like the way she had left him….alone….
He was walking away but she couldn't let him. Everything in her was crying out for him and she couldn't just let him go. Before he could walk past her, she grabbed his arm tight; whatever power she had left would be spent on making him understand how much she loved him.
"Fitz wait please," she wouldn't pretend and hide the desperation in her voice. She wanted and needed him; more than anything in her life and she no longer had the will to control her emotions.
He let her stop him, "Olivia, just let it go…It's all done…It's over…Just let it go," he said quietly looking at her hand grasping his arm.
"I can't Fitz…I can't…please don't go….please just stay and talk to me."
"There is nothing to talk about…I appreciate everything you did for me… You got Huck to do work I never thought possible but that's all done now…It's all cleared up. We don't owe each other anything."
When she released his arm, he put his hands in his pockets and walked to the other side of the garden. It was away from her but he hadn't tried to leave like he did before and that meant something.
"You saw me with Jake."
"I did."
"Fitz, it was just a coincidence that he was there when I went in for lunch. It didn't mean anything. He knows that all we will ever be are friends."
"It doesn't matter Olivia."
"It does matter! It matters to me that you think I don't love you or I don't care about you or that I would run to Jake the moment things get rocky between us. It matters to me that you don't trust me anymore and you can barely look at me. That matters!"
"Olivia I'm done caring about it either way. I've spent most of this relationship chasing you, pushing you to be with me and I'm tired of it. It shouldn't be this hard and if it is then maybe it's not worth it. I couldn't even get you to….never mind forget it," he cut off, shaking his head, convincing himself that it would do no good to bring it up; it would solve nothing.
"Say it Fitz…say it!"
He kept silent; looking at her from across the garden. He loved her; more than he loved anyone in his life. But this between them, now felt wrong. It now felt forced; not spontaneous, not natural, not free.
"Fitz, please…I need you to say it." It would pain her, she knew but it needed to be said. Every hurt feeling had to be exposed and brought to the light of day if they were ever going to heal and move past this.
"When I needed you most…when I needed a friend…you weren't there. You got me Huck and I'm thankful; I appreciate it but it never occurred to you that I would risk it all, take whatever consequences came my way, if you were with me, as my friend. But you shut yourself off from me; you penalized me for something that happened years ago before I even met you. You made me feel like I cheated on you; like I betrayed you…And that hurt; that hurt bad. It never really mattered to me what people thought – my family, friends, Cyrus, my-coworkers – I didn't care; they could say I was guilty, it didn't mean anything. But you….it's always mattered to me what you thought; you were the only one….and when you pushed me away…I felt as guilty as if I had done what I was accused of.
"When I saw you with Jake, I finally understood. I realized that the look on your face…you didn't have a concern in the world; nothing was weighing you down, giving you grief; you were happy and you were never that way with me. It was always problems, issues, crisis – our jobs, Mellie, Amanda; it was a lot to deal with….too much really. So if you felt you needed that; you needed to be with someone who didn't have all the baggage; then you should do it…you should do what is right for you…I want you to do it."
The tears were blinding her vision; scathing tears reminding her how stupid she had been; how careless she was to play with his emotions the way she did; thinking, always believing that he would wait till she got it right; that he just knew she cared about him and he would keep fighting for them, even when she wasn't. The tears were falling uncontrollably; she couldn't turn them off; her heart was breaking at the idea that he had given up on them; given up on her. Her thoughts were processing but she couldn't form them into words; everything was caught in her throat but she had to say something, anything; he had to stay with her.
"You're right….I left you when you needed me most. I got spooked and I ran. I do that with you and I'm sorry. I always assume that you understand why I do what I do as if that is some excuse for my horrible behavior but it's not. There is no excuse for it Fitz; there is no justifying what I've done to you. But I need you to know; you have to know…my feelings for you…the way I feel when I see you walk in the office everyday is more happiness than I can contain. The way my heart leaps when I hear you talk; when you say anything to me is indescribable. These past weeks without you at the office, killed me…I was on edge, snapping at everyone…even Quinn. I couldn't function without you Fitz. I needed you so bad, it scares me. I've never, ever felt so deeply for someone like I feel for you. I've never felt so connected to another person, where everything I think; everything I do is about you.
"I know I'm screwed up; I know I'm damaged and…..I don't deserve you but I want you. I want you and I love you and I need you to give me another chance. I need you to give us another chance. I'm demanding another chance; we're worth another change because no one….no one will ever love you the way I do Fitz and I need you to love me too."
Her chest was heaving as she struggled to calm her breath; exhausted ready to collapse; she had released it all. There was nothing left to say; nothing more to give; she was physically caught between the instinct to run and the need to stay. Because if she ran; if she walked away; if she let the shame and embarrassment override her feelings for him, she would literally die; it would be the end of her, so there was no place for pride; she would lay her dignity and self-respect down if it meant he would love her.
Fitz walked closer to her; one tentative step at a time. She said everything he wanted to hear; everything what he wanted and he believed her; but there would always be the question of how far she would go with him; whether she would push him away when it got hard. She was a runner for sure but she also loved him deeply and it was the most thrilling sensation he had ever known. He could never truly walk away; he loved her beyond reason an impossible concept considering the short time span they had been together but it was real just the same. It was more real than the air he breathed; just as sustaining; just as consuming.
He stopped when he was just a few steps away; never tearing his gaze away from her.
It was agony; not knowing what he would do, whether he would accept her, whether he believed her; everything rested in his hands and she had no choice but to wait for him to decide. She told herself that she would accept whatever decision he made; whether she won or lost, she could be proud of the fact that she had been honest and laid everything on the line; no matter what she did, whether it was the wrong or the right way, it had never been a mistake to fall in love with him.