It's here!
Thank you to those that have written us reviews. We love reviews! Really, they could be the best part of posting fanfiction. Please keep those wondrous reviews coming!
ITALICIZES NOTE: Has anyone here read the Princess Bride? (If you haven't then you should. Watching the movie doesn't count.) We have used a style from that book in our fanfic. That's what the italicized section is. Don't skip over it. It's an important section. We decided that writing that section in full detail wouldn't be nearly as interesting as using the Princess Bride style of only giving the highlights.
Enjoy!
Cara personally thought keeping an eye on Uther would be more worthwhile than keeping an eye on Arthur. However, telling her companions that was too much trouble. In order to communicate Cara had to write in the dirt. In her new rodent form that took forever! So, it was off to Arthur's chambers. Actually, Cara hoped to find Uther's chambers instead, but her companions didn't need to know that just yet.
Cara scurried along the corridors. She tried to not be spotted, but, really, she was most worried about not getting stepped on. Camelot corridors were not built with guinea pigs in mind. Cara had been creeping into every door she could find a way into. It seemed that everywhere she went there was another foot threatening to squish her. Also, this place was huge. Just as Cara began to fear she'd never find Uther's or even Arthur's chamber, a scream rended the air.
"A rat! Hand me a broom!"
Cara looked up. The voice belonged to a young kitchen maid. Cara was in the kitchen surrounded by feet—big feet each ready to kick and stomp on her. The scream set off a chain reaction. All the other maids began to scream. The head of the kitchens tried to convince them to get rid of Cara rather than have a shrieking contest. Everyone that had the presence of mind to go after Cara had to climb over the panicked impromptu chorus.
Cara scampered around. She looked for a crevice, an exit, anything to get out. Suddenly the sound of marching feet thundered nearby. A second later, the kitchen door flung open. Arthur and two guards appeared. Arthur was wearing a cape. Cara had never been so happy in her life to see a cape!
"What's wrong," Arthur demanded.
The head of the kitchen stuttered with fright, "I'm—I'm sorry, M'Lord. The lassies here saw a-a r-rat. D-Don't worry, M'Lord, it won't get into the food. I'll make sure of that."
Cara took advantage of the attention shift to Arthur. She scrambled under Arthur's cloak and dug her claws and teeth into it.
Arthur felt flustered. He had run to the kitchens ready for a fight. All he found was a gaggle of servants who were frightened into silence at the sight of him. Arthur gave the obligatory, "Just take care of it," and then fled. (Though, of course, he was careful to make sure it didn't look that way.) As he walked briskly, he noticed that his cloak tugged strangely. Arthur attempted to shake it out without anyone noticing. It was to no avail.
Cara silently cursed Arthur every time he shook his cape. Occasionally, she soiled his cape. Doing so gave her a sick sense of satisfaction.
When Arthur finally reached his room, he gruffly removed his cloak and threw it in a lump on the floor. Merlin gave Arthur an odd look. Arthur normally had Merlin remove the cape. That is, unless Arthur was upset. Merlin shrugged and continued scrubbing the floor. If something was bothering Arthur, Merlin probably wouldn't have to do much (if any) pestering to find out about it.
"I go down to the kitchens because I hear screaming—screaming over a rat," Arthur said in annoyance.
Merlin smirked, "Sounds like I missed an epic battle."
"What?"
"The great Arthur Pendragon was called to defeat a monstrous rat and defend the kitchens!" Merlin shook his rag expressively.
"If its so monstrous, I might send you after it," Arthur retorted, "If a regular rat could tear you apart, imagine what this one will do to you."
"Wait, it got away? From you?" Merlin shook his head sadly. "You allowed yourself to be outwitted by a rat," he said in a parroting voice.
"Only so I could have you catch it in your mouth!"
"Oh," Merlin furrowed his brow mockingly, "you'll be watching right?"
It wasn't until now that Cara had the presence of mind to get out of the cloak and hide under a piece of furniture while there was still a distraction. She was shocked by the behavior from both sides. She had never before seen such an insolent servant, nor a master so stupidly tolerant. Although, perhaps Arthur was serious about the rat-eating threat. Cara knew she would have force fed a whole rat to that servant, and worse.
Later that evening, Cara somehow managed to sneak out of Arthur's chambers and back to Kahlan. As soon as they got back to camp Cara faced the challenge of having to report what she had seen. Fortunately or unfortunately (Cara couldn't decide which), there wasn't much to report on. The only news was that the kitchen staff was terrified of Arthur, but Merlin was not. That, and that Merlin was the most insolent servant Cara had ever seen. The rest of the group found this interesting. Cara, however, was too tired to care. When they asked for the particulars of the conversation, Cara ignored them. She took her abominably short legs and went straight for the bag.
Late in the night, Merlin crept out of the castle. He had told Gaius what he planned to do. Merlin's plan worried Gaius. He pointed out that the crazy people could be hiding anywhere. That, and what if they caught Merlin? Besides, they wouldn't dare come near Camelot so soon after that day's incident. Merlin merely insisted that he needed to find out what they were up to. As Merlin wandered about the forest, he wondered if Gaius was right. Maybe this was bad idea. Merlin had already checked the 'meeting place.' Of course, he knew them still being there was too much to hope for. Merlin searched for a sign of where they might have gone. But he was no tracker. Merlin suddenly wished he had convinced Arthur to come. Merlin snorted at the idea. Arthur would've insisted on going during the day to attack directly. Sneaking around and only observing wasn't in Arthur's repertoire.
Just as Merlin was considering going back, Merlin saw a human-shaped shadow in the distance. He crept toward it. He hoped it wasn't just some random traveler passing through. As Merlin got closer he could see that whomever it was wasn't alone. Merlin kept his distance very carefully. This group walked on until they approached another group.
One of the shadowy figures that Merlin was stalking spoke, "Hail, strangers."
Merlin heard the startled cry of a woman, "Richard! Wake up!"
The first voice spoke again. He introduced himself as the leader of a band of renegade sorcerers. He gave a long spill about the common cause they apparently shared. He offered them a place in their ranks. The woman, Kahlan (Merlin believed it was), spoke again. She accepted their offer whilst sounding as though she expected, along with her companions, to call the shots.
From Merlin's hiding spot, Merlin could see Kahlan extend her arm. They shook hands. Then something unexpected happened. Kahlan stepped back in unmistakable horror as the sorcerer dropped to his knees.
"Command me, mistress," the sorcerer said in a reverent tone.
Unconsciously, Merlin's hand shot to his throat. With a thrill of fear, he remembered what seemed at the time to be an odd threat. Is that what would have happened if she succeeded? Merlin thought numbly as cries of, "What treachery is this?" rang through air. Merlin's chest felt heavy. He was barely able to focus enough to notice the former leader of the renegade band leap to defend his new found mistress who slumped to the ground. The old man burned many of sorcerers. Richard's sword fighting was impressive. Merlin wasn't sure who would win in a fair sword fight between Arthur and Richard. Of course, Merlin would never let them have a fair sword fight (but that was beside the point). Kahlan jumped up to join the fray. Merlin thought her fighting style looked precarious. He was amazed she hadn't gotten cut in half. Frankly, Merlin felt that even he could defeat her in a completely magic-free sword fight. How was she felling so many of them? Any competent fighter would have taken advantage of her habit of leaning backward.
Merlin stared with mixed feelings. In a sense, the crazy people were unwittingly doing Merlin's job for him. But that didn't erase the fact that they intended to overthrow Camelot. And, this proved that they were an effective team. Stopping them would be no small task.
Finally, the battle ended. Merlin patiently stayed in place until he could be sure his escape would be unnoticed. Merlin noted that Kahlan's new pet had died in the course of the battle. He then saw a scene that made him pity Kahlan.
Kahlan sunk to the ground. How had this happened? She thought in despair. One second she was shaking the man's hand, The next, she had accidentally confessed him. Kahlan's heart ached as she surveyed the carnage. Their deaths were entirely her fault. She sobbed. Kahlan felt Richard place his hand on her shoulder. "Don't touch me!" She cried in panic.
"Kahlan?" Richard said tenderly.
"Richard," Kahlan gasped and wailed, "I don't have control of my powers. I-I couldn't bear it i-if-if-" She couldn't finish her sentence. Her cries became uncontrollable.
Merlin then realized that he was probably only protected from Kahlan because her illustrious leader killed a unicorn.
The next morning, Merlin tried to figure out how to inform Arthur of just how dangerous those crazy people were. Though Merlin now pitied Kahlan and was now certain they wouldn't try anything anytime soon, he wanted to be careful and be as prepared as possible for their next attack. The loony bin escapees definitely weren't giving up.
Now, much later in the busy day, all Merlin had was still, 'So, I was lurking in the woods last night.' Merlin shook his head. That would never do. Merlin lifted a bottle to eye level. Gaius had to leave suddenly to help an injured townsperson. Gaius had been in the middle of making an anesthetic for a different townsperson. Since Merlin had a little time to spare before he was expected back at work, and the potion was simple to make, Merlin convinced Gaius to let him make it... unsupervised.
Merlin carefully measured and combined each ingredient as instructed. He groaned. They were out of an ingredient. Merlin was supposed to have gotten more the day he set the drunkard on Richard. Merlin didn't have enough time to buy more right now. He supposed he could leave Gaius a note. Merlin pursed his lips. Gaius needed the anesthetic the moment he got back. According to Gaius, this ingredient was for increasing potency. Merlin could use magic to accomplish that goal. As soon as Merlin had time, he would restock the ingredient. No one would have to know.
Merlin darted upstairs for the book of magic. Upon getting back downstairs and having found a spell that looked right, Merlin raised the concoction and uttered a few words. His eyes and the potion glowed for a split second.
Just then, the door creaked open behind Merlin. He jumped slightly, spilling the liquid on his hand. He quickly wiped his hand on his shirt. Then, realizing the magic book was open, he slammed the book closed.
To Merlin's relief, it was only Gaius. Merlin gave a the bottle a quick guilty look. He placed it where Gaius had told Merlin to if he finished before Gaius got back. Merlin hastily ran back upstairs to stash the magic book while trying to look as innocent and casual about it as possible. When he got back he muttered something about needing to see Arthur right away. As Merlin had hoped, Gaius was in too much of a rush to notice Merlin's peculiar behavior.
Merlin hurried out the door and through the corridors. He barged straight into Arthur's room. Arthur greeted Merlin with a patronizing glare.
"Merlin, I'm late because of you. What's your excuse this time?" Arthur demanded.
"Gaius..." Merlin answered simply as he strode straight to the armor.
Arthur rolled his eyes and positioned himself to be dressed. As Merlin began suiting up Arthur, Merlin couldn't help but notice tiny smudges and scratches on the armor. Merlin's jaw tightened. He had polished it yesterday. Obviously, he hadn't done a good enough job. Merlin resisted the urge to do last minute polishing while dressing Arthur. Merlin didn't have time to fix this dreadful mistake yet.
But that wasn't the only problem. The drapes were uneven. The floor was dirty. The mantle was dusty. The fireplace was sooty. How had Merlin let this go on? How could he have let Prince Arthur live with such a mess? Merlin silently vowed to make the room sparkle when he returned.
Merlin swiped his hand over the pommel of Arthur's blade a few times. At least he could make a small effort now without making Arthur more late.
Arthur gave Merlin an odd look. What was Merlin doing? Why the pommel wiping? Arthur shook his head. He wasn't sure he'd ever fully understand his manservant.
As Arthur moved to leave, Merlin quickly straightened one of the chairs under the table before trailing after Arthur.
Meanwhile...
Basically, Anhora gives Richard the second test. We felt it would be tedious for anyone to read the confusing and elaborate details of this section. Anhora sends an illusion to woo Kahlan. It took ten pages for a ginger man illusion to start making his advances. We wrote about fifty pages detailing how Kahlan couldn't bring herself to confess the over-insistent suitor. Another thirty-eight pages of the ginger man telling Richard and Kahlan that he (the illusion) and Kahlan were meant to be. Five pages of angsting Kahlan, who starts thinking it's a possibility but she doesn't want to leave Richard or hurt him by being with another man. However, she felt a magical compulsion to tell Richard she completely wanted this random suitor. Three more pages of angsting, except its Richard's agony that is displayed. He aches over Kahlan's 'choice.' Then, he considers pummeling the man. But, Richard decides not to because he loves Kahlan so much that he only wants her to be happy. Richard passes the test. Kahlan's control over her confessor powers is returned. That took about six pages. Then, Richard and Kahlan spent ninety-two pages confessing their undying love for each other. After looking over the writing, we wondered how we wrote such an abomination that isn't suitable for anyone.
After the knighting ceremony, Arthur headed back to his chamber with Merlin following closely behind. As soon as they were in the room, Merlin began to help Arthur out of his armor. Merlin seemed to be fidgeting... and rubbing each piece off armor as he removed it.
"Merlin," Arthur put an edge to his voice.
"Yes, sire," Merlin replied bouncily.
"Focus on the task at hand, you imbecile," Arthur snapped.
"I'm sorry, M'Lord," Merlin sounded genuinely horrified.
Arthur expected to be 'accidentally' walloped by his own armor. Instead, Merlin hastily, yet carefully removed the armor as though trying to make amends.
As soon as Arthur's armor was off, Merlin immediately plopped onto the floor. He straightway began polishing the chain mail. Merlin sitting in the middle of the floor polishing looked rather comical. What was Merlin thinking! Arthur was about to go to bed. The corner of Arthur's mouth tugged. So, this was Merlin's revenge!
"Merlin," Arthur said patronizingly, "put it away."
"But sire... are you sure? It's filthy."
"Merlin," Arthur said in a tone that clearly said, 'we're done.'
"Yes, sire." Merlin's voice bordered on worshipful. This unnerved Arthur.
"Really Merlin, you idiot, are you trying to make up for your constant laziness in one night? What are you after?" Arthur snapped irately. Merlin had been acting strange all evening. At first, Arthur didn't really notice... or mind. Sure, the pommel wiping was weird. Merlin brushing something off Arthur's shoulder was bizarre. (Arthur, at the time, felt certain Merlin was somehow making a mockery.) But strangest of all, Merlin did not mock Arthur. Arthur nearly tripped over his own cape! Where was the usual rubbish over anything Arthur did?
"I'm sorry, sire. I only ask that I will have the opportunity to make up for my laziness by serving you as I should have before," Merlin spoke earnestly. At least, he sounded earnest.
This had to be a trick. Merlin had to be pulling some elaborate prank. Arthur knew it. All Arthur had to do was irritate Merlin just enough. Merlin wouldn't be able to hold up the ruse. Arthur strode to his bed and tore off the bed covers.
"Clean it up, Merlin," Arthur ordered.
Merlin bowed quickly. "Yes, sire," He answered delightedly. Not even the smallest trace of annoyance crossed his face!
Arthur stared in shock as Merlin fixed the bed. Merlin had never been a good actor! How was he pulling this off? Why was he even bothering with something so clearly elaborate? Arthur racked his brain. What could Arthur have possibly done to provoke such behavior? Why would Merlin suddenly act like a bootlicker? A bootlicker! That struck Arthur with a brilliant idea.
"Merlin," Arthur smirked, "you're acting like a bootlicker."
"Would you like me to lick your boots, M'Lord?" Merlin asked hopefully.
Arthur's jaw dropped. Merlin HATED bootlickers! "Yes," Arthur answered firmly. Merlin asked for it; he was going to get it.
Merlin immediately grabbed the nearest boot. Arthur managed to snatch it away just before Merlin's tongue touched the boot. Merlin hadn't even hesitated! Arthur expected an exaggerated and mockingly threatening display. In which case, Arthur would have happily allowed and perhaps even forced Merlin to pay for his behavior. He expected Merlin to at least slowly move his tongue to the boot. Not look genuinely overeager! Arthur couldn't bring himself to let Merlin lick the boot so... willingly, so... happily.
But then Arthur's reeling thoughts were interrupted. "NO!" Arthur shouted as he snatched the other boot from Merlin's eager hands.
Merlin's face fell despairingly with disappointment and confusion. "But—but—M'Lord, I-"
Arthur saw something move in the corner of his eye. The rat! Was that a rat? No matter.
"The rat, Merlin! Get it!" Arthur exclaimed desperately, "Eat it whole!"
Merlin grinned with genuine glee. He took off after the... rat... the fat yellow thing... with a stick in its mouth? The... thing squeaked in alarm. It jumped under the wardrobe. Merlin shoved his arm after the creature.
"Ow!" Merlin yelped, thrusting his arm back. But, undeterred, he threw his arm back under the wardrobe.
The rodent emerged from the opposite side of the wardrobe. The servant mindlessly leapt to his feet and ran after the creature. It scurried under the bed. Merlin followed. The animal emerged again with Merlin crawling closely behind. Arthur no longer knew what to think or do. He could only stare at the absurd scene of Merlin and the rodent scurrying in circles about the room. Then, the animal ran through chair legs. Merlin got stuck. This gave the rodent just enough time to climb up the curtains before Merlin could reach the window. The rodent crawled along the tiny ledge on the outside castle walls. Arthur had just enough wits left to grab Merlin before the idiot could jump out the window.
"Don't-" Arthur gasped, "don't do that. Go—go muck out the stables."
Merlin cheerfully bowed and hurried away.
Arthur sighed. He closed his eyes in frustration. Arthur played right into Merlin's hands. Merlin was probably just trying to get out of work early for who knows why. Merlin succeeded. There was no way Merlin would muck out the stables at this hour. Arthur berated himself for allowing Merlin to fool him. Arthur would be sure to scold Merlin tomorrow for not cleaning the stables. Arthur knew Merlin couldn't possibly do that chore tonight—perhaps he could, but really, it was a ridiculous thing to require at night. Merlin knew that and knew that Arthur knew that. But Arthur intended to punish Merlin by being upset about the stables. Arthur would then get Merlin to admit what he wanted to get out of work for. Arthur had to know what Merlin wanted badly enough to be to driven to bootlicking. Bootlicking of all things!
After Arthur had lain in bed for several minutes, he was finally able to fall asleep. He was beginning to drift off when a knock on the door sounded. Arthur groaned. He sat up. It must be a knight. An emergency must have occurred.
"Enter." Arthur did his best to force the drowsiness out of his voice.
The door opened. No, Arthur thought, I will deal with anything else.
"Merlin, what are you doing?" Arthur barked.
"I'm sorry, M'Lord. If knew you were already asleep-" Merlin began.
"Merlin!"
"I was going to prepare you for bed. I finished mucking out your horses," Merlin spoke apologetically.
"Impossible! It takes longer than that."
"I worked as quickly as possible. I only stopped to clean myself as a courtesy to you." Merlin sounded genuinely horrified to have wasted so much time. He was probably only sorry that he didn't think to force the smell of horse dung on Arthur!
"Don't lie to me," Arthur snapped, "Where were you?"
Merlin looked confused and frightened. "M'Lord, I-I swear I'm telling the truth."
"Merlin," Arthur said dangerously, "Where were you?"
"Have I done something to anger you, sire? Tell me what I have done and how I can redeem myself," Merlin replied desperately.
"Go—go help Gaius!"
Arthur stared in exasperation and disgust as his manservant bouncily left the room. Arthur's mind returned to his original assessment of the situation. This was entirely an elaborate prank. Whatever Merlin was doing rather than cleaning the stables was probably part of preparations for some huge finale. Merlin must have been planning this for months! Arthur could tell he hadn't seen the end of it yet.
No. Arthur leapt to his feet. He would end this! Arthur knocked over chairs, tore down curtains, threw his clothes, and did any other destruction within reason. Arthur finally surveyed the room with satisfaction. Merlin would snap! He couldn't possibly hold the ruse when he sees this! Merlin would decide that whatever he had planned for Arthur simply wasn't worth the extra work. Arthur jumped into bed. He smiled at the thought of what Merlin's face would look like.
Cara didn't think this situation could get more confusing. That is, until she saw the prince tear apart his own room. First off, only yesterday Merlin was the most insolent servant ever. Today, Merlin almost had joyfully licked a boot. Then, he nearly jumped out a window to eat her! Why hadn't Arthur let Merlin do both? Or at least let him lick the boot? And why was he now ripping apart his own room?
Cara never thought she'd ever feel grateful to Merlin, but... he left the door open! While the prince was distracted by his 'work,' Cara slipped out and away. When she finally made it out of the citadel, she still didn't now what to make of what she witnessed. In a dark corner near the gate sat a dark-haired woman—Zedd. He—or in this case, she—scooped Cara into the bag.
When they returned to camp, Kahlan told them the wonderful news. Her powers were back under control! Now, they waited for final test which they knew would restore Cara.
Meanwhile...
Merlin hurried to obey Arthur's command. He flung open Gaius' door. Merlin looked around feverishly. In disappointment he realized that Gaius wasn't home. Merlin's shoulders sagged. How would he ever fulfill Arthur's glorious command? As he stared around in disappointment, he noticed that the room was in complete disarray. How had he managed to live here? How had Gaius (more importantly) for that matter? That settled it. Merlin would organize this wreck. He would start with the most important items in the room. Gaius would be so proud.
Sometime later...
Gaius returned. To say he was stunned at the sight that met his eyes would be an understatement. All his potions and herbs were on the floor... in very neat piles. In the middle was Merlin... polishing the bottles.
"Merlin?" Gaius raised his eyebrow and scowled.
"Yes, Gaius," Merlin's voice was frighteningly chipper. His eyes looked over bright.
"What is all this?"
"I'm organizing it," Merlin grinned proudly.
"Merlin, that isn't necessary," Gaius said pointedly.
"Yes it is." Merlin smiled again, looking slightly deranged.
"Merlin," Gaius took a deep breath, "I would really rather you didn't."
Merlin proceeded to give a long and meandering explanation. All the while he continued to 'organize.' Gaius listened uncomprehendingly. The only phrase he caught was, "Arthur told me to." The rest washed over in a wave of nonsense.
Gaius shook his head. Merlin was looking for something at Arthur's behest. That had to be it. The 'organizing' was a ruse.
"Merlin," Gaius' voice was firm, "what are you looking for?"
Merlin looked confused. "I don't follow," Merlin replied.
The conversation that followed left Gaius flustered and convinced that Arthur wanted something... something both Arthur and Merlin were embarrassed to ask for.
ITALICIZES NOTE: For those of you that haven't read the Princess Bride: No, we did not write 204 pages for that section. What you see there is all we wrote! We thought writing that part in detail was too serious for this fanfic and too melodramatic for our taste. It just wouldn't have been funny! Therefore, we used the Princess Bride style of claiming there is much more detail.
Want these psychos to write faster? It's simple: reviews. Seriously, we love them, (and they actually guilt us into rationalizing spending more time on this). So, write reviews! Please?
In any case chapter 5 should be up soon. As it will be "How... Enchanting pt 3." We swear that chapter six will not be called "How Enchanting pt 4."