There's not much Robin in this chapter because I felt like it needed to be a kind of establisher for what this story is going to be. It began with a prompt given to me on Tumblr - Regina goes to grief counseling after the loss of her husband Daniel & meets Robin, who recently lost his wife Marian. There is more to the prompt but I don't want to give too much away...although I reckon you can guess what kind of story this will turn into considering it's Outlaw Queen :)
Well things have gotta be bad before they can get good right?
"It's...well," she looked down at the hands in her lap, fingers twisting together restlessly as she tried to find the strength to continue on through the thickness of her throat. She'd been coming here for around 3 weeks now and tonight, well it was only fair that she speak after so long of listening to other stories, other brave members sharing their own tales of debilitating grief that had led them here, into this room and into this circle of safety as the group leader referred to it.
"It's okay, Regina" Archie spoke gently, as he always did, as he was somewhat revered for, and though it should have been encouraging, she only felt more pressured by the last vestiges of pride she had left, pride instilled within her by her mother, a woman of no emotions and the strong belief that love was weakness...well, with the way Regina felt now, with the aching that never seemed to subside within her chest and the belief that the pain would merely go on for the rest of her days left in this world, she couldn't say she disagreed with her but no, that was wrong, she had spent countless amounts of dollars being told that exact thing by the same therapist who had suggested these meetings, had gone as far as to suggest it quite loudly one day when Emma had stopped by to pick her up, full well knowing that though he wasn't breaking the patient-doctor code, the blonde would most definitely hear and would most definitely nag Regina until she succumbed and attended the meetings...and here she was.
"Look," she sighed deeply finally, pulling the sleeves of her thick knit jumper down over her hands though the room was rather pleasantly warm what with the, somewhat noisy, portable heater in the corner pumping out hot, stale air. "What do you want me to say?" and she was rather exasperated for what could she say? "Do you want me to talk about how hard it is just to open my eyes and get out of bed everyday? That I feel like a terrible mother every morning that I am unable to take my son to school for fear of him asking where his father is once again and why he isn't taking him in anymore? That I can't answer him when he asks why Mama's sad all the time?" and the tears have started already and though she wants to stand, wants to run from the room and the eyes she can feel upon her, she can't because she knows they are not piteous gazes, no judgement within them for they too have had the same experiences, some not having children but their own responsibilities that seem so minimal without the support and simple presence of their loved ones...some have lost husbands as she has, some wives, some friends and some, heartbreakingly, have lost children...
"Before Dan- before my husband," she corrected, the sound of his name still too painful to bear even now, 6 months on. Her friends had stopped speaking of him, no doubt told of her meltdown by Mary Margaret when the woman had dropped by with some meals for her and Henry, attempting to get a laugh out of Regina by mentioning the fact that Emma, her roommate and friend, would most likely give them all food poisoning if she so much as stepped foot inside their kitchen and how Regina shouldn't have to cook what with everything that had happened. She'd gone on to talk of how everyone was missing Regina, always asking about her and giving their condolences and then she'd mentioned Daniel's name, had spoken it aloud for the first time since Regina had left the hospital, voice hoarse from calling it over and over, from asking him, begging him to stay with her to no avail because he'd left, left her all alone in a world she knew nothing about without him there and she'd flipped, hadn't in so many words but she'd instantly stood and began pottering around the apartment, cleaning things she'd scrubbed only hours earlier ignoring Mary Margaret's concern and scrubbing, just scrubbing until there was a hole in the cloth she was using and friction burn on her hand, Henry's arrival home from school had been the only thing enough to calm her.
"Before he died, before I met him even" she laughed humourlessly, a hollow sound that bounced around the barely furnished room, "I was so naïve, Daddy's little girl who followed every rule to the letter and lived in my own little loveless, black and white washed world with a mother who-...and then he changed all that, he showed me that there was so much more to life than what I was living...before him I was just surviving but with him...I was alive."
"It was beautiful," she startled at the voice beside her having thought she was alone, her back pressed against the brick wall of the community centre and leg bent at the knee to rest her foot as she attempted to remember how to breathe properly again after her speech despite the cigarette she continued to puff on, a nasty habit she'd given up after Henry's birth but with Daniel's death, the habit had kicked in and the craving easier to handle than that of her need to see a husband she never would again. She'd spoken to this man before albeit briefly, just a quick exchange of greetings if they passed when entering the meeting and words of apology should they bump into one another in the break line for tea and biscuits. From what she knew of him he was a kind man, "what you said before about your husband." He explained interpreting her look of surprise for one of confusion, she'd known what he meant. His eyes were blue, not the same as Daniel's had been but just as striking, just as warm. He'd told his story before though she couldn't quite recall his name, had told it around two weeks prior and it had resonated within her...he'd lost his wife, that was it. Single father bereaved and learning to cope as he neared the 12 month anniversary of her death and Regina had almost spoken to him that week just as he was doing with her now, had almost gone to him and asked how he did it, how he coped with raising a little part of his wife knowing that it would be the last part of her he should ever know, but she hadn't...perhaps she would one day though, maybe next week when she wasn't feeling so vulnerable, that talk had taken a lot more out of her then she'd previously thought.
"Thank you," she replied on a deeper breath than she had been able to take before, eyes cast up to the star scattered sky, the lights of the city around them obscuring so much of the world's beauty. She took another drag of her cigarette, vaguely aware of the similar cloud of smoke coming from the man still stood a little way away from her. The stars had been one of Daniel's favourite things to show her, he'd tell stories of the constellations and though he told them so convincingly, with such passion and pride, she knew enough herself to identify his own little anecdotes, tales that had been sown on for her entertainment and pleasure and she loved them, could recall each as though he were standing beside her and whispering them into her ear and if she closed her eyes, she could almost feel him twirling the dark strands of her hair between his thumb and forefinger as she laughed and laughed and...
"Are you asleep my love?" he whispered softly into her ear, pressing a tender kiss to the skin just behind it that had her shivering beneath the thick woollen blanket he kept in the car for nights in which they would do this, when he'd bundle her into the car after leaving their boy with his mother and father or their good friend Emma and bring her here, to their spot on their hill.
She hummed softly, rubbing her face into his shoulder as she inhaled the scent of fabric softener and something completely him before whispering back with a sleepy "no," that had him chuckling, his hand rubbing soothing lines up and down her back beneath the covering, affection flooding through him as she nuzzled into him a little more, her features relaxing further and he thought, for the hundredth millionth time since meeting her that she was the most breath-taking sight in all of the world, in all of any world for that matter.
"Mmm Daniel?" she sighed so softly into his shoulder, fingers stroking along the arm that rested the length of her in order to intertwine with his as he pulled back in order to press another kiss to her forehead with a "yes my love?" breathed into her lavender scented hair, closing his own eyes as he continued stroking her back, her warmth lulling him into a sort of doze as he awaited her reply, "tell me another one..."
And he did, he would always heed her requests, would always continue on even as she slept soundly beside him, no longer listening simply so he could remain close to her, bathing in her essence for just a little longer even if that meant stiff backs and oncoming colds when they awoke the next morning, joking that they should build their own little cottage up there for the amount of nights they slept there accidentally or not.
The kind, blue-eyed man had gone when she'd pulled herself out of her reverie and she found she quite respected that. It was in those moments, when she'd lose herself to her past, to her grief, that Emma would find it apt to get her attention, to bring her back to reality believing it to be for the best and, though she had the best of intentions, Regina found herself wishing that she could just be left alone sometimes, to be left in the world in which her husband still remained, in which she could almost feel the kisses he would pepper against the skin of her face and neck, in which his voice still rang out so clear and beautifully...but she couldn't because she had responsibilities, she had a son, a part of Daniel that would always remain with her simply with his presence, her precious boy and recently she'd seemed to have forgotten that.
It was a little after eight when she arrived back at the apartment, her key jamming a little in the lock reminding her that she had to call the handy man in the morning, she'd forget but it was at least a little normalcy seeping back into her weary bones, actually noticing the trivial little things that meant nothing in the grand scheme of things but stitched together some elements of her days. She pulled back on the handle, hearing the familiar click before she tried again and found the door to ease open with little effort as it always did. It was an old building, the apartment belonging to Emma's late grandmother who'd left it to her only grandchild in her will, she and the blonde had moved in not long after the woman's passing, just before Regina had met Daniel.
Grateful was a term far too poor when it came to describing how Regina felt towards Emma. The blonde had understood when her friend had come home one evening after work with a 'shit-eating grin', as she'd called it back then, and told her that her boyfriend had finally asked her to move in with him. There had been tears upon packing up Regina's things, finding old movies stubs in junk drawers and videos collecting dust underneath her bed they'd forgotten they had from the barely employed days where the only money they had was for rent and bad takeaway. They'd laughed at the old polaroid's that had been taped to Regina's wall so long ago and had become such a familiarity, such a normal part of the place that they found they hadn't looked at them in so long. The early days in which they called the place their 'big girl apartment', nights in with their friends who'd come with pink feather boas and face masks in tow and just days out either as a big group or just Emma and Regina, walks in the park, days on the beach...memories.
She'd been just as understanding when Daniel had died, had moved all of her things out of the spare room and into the small attic in order to fit Henry's bed and a few of his things, just enough until Regina could find her own place for them...that had been 6 months ago and the brunette hadn't been able to find it within her to look or go back to their old house in order to pick up the rest of their stuff before it had been sold on. Mercifully David, Mary Margaret's husband, had borrowed a loading truck from one of his friends and gone, with a handful of Regina's closest friends, to pick up their remaining belongings, loading them into a storage unit for the time being that both he and his wife paid for, it was 'the least they could do' they had told Regina when she'd been coherent enough to attempt a 'thank you', a lot of her days in the beginning spent in a dark room with food waiting outside of her door, food she was in no fit state to stomach and couldn't keep her raw eyes open long enough to try. Sometimes she'd have awoken with Henry tucked against her having no doubt crept in when Emma wasn't looking, she'd wave the blonde off when she did eventually realise and try to carry Henry back to his own bed. He really had suffered despite the fact that she hadn't explained the death of his father to him, it was almost as if the boy had lost two parents with the way she'd kept herself holed up...well not anymore.
At times when she allowed herself to look around she found herself musing that the apartment had seemed so much bigger when it wasn't stuffed with various dinosaurs and lego pieces, armour clad figures and tin foil swords but Emma only seemed to take it in her stride. She was Henry's godmother and, when Regina had chosen her not long after Henry's birth, the blonde had taken the role very seriously. Every other weekend she would stop by unannounced (though after a while Regina and Daniel began to expect her) in order to spend some quality time with her grandson and then, when he grew old enough to walk and eventually talk, she would take him on daytrips, sometimes not returning until the early evening with a fully fed and fully exhausted child slung over her shoulder, a bright smile always on her face that spoke of her affection for him more than any words could, though Henry would always regale them with tales of their adventures the next morning over breakfast, revelling in his parents reactions whether they be laughter of gasps of horror at the quests he had gone on like a brave little knight. It was because of their established relationship that the transition wasn't too hard on Henry, he had questions, plenty of questions that Regina had been in no fit state to answer but Emma, being Emma, had instantly swooped in and distracted him with something else, something shiny - always the saviour.
Entering the apartment she could smell the remnants of the pizza the blonde had no doubt ordered the instant Regina had left, Wednesday nights for Regina meant grief counselling, Wednesday nights for Emma and her son meant pizza and Disney. Normally, by this time, her 5 year old would be laying flat out on his back in his bed with spittle crusting in the corner of his open mouth and one of his many bedtime stories clutched tightly within his little fist, tonight however seemed to be an exception.
Her brow furrowed instantly at the sounds of crying echoing throughout the place followed by the soft cooing of her roommate as Emma, no doubt, attempted to calm Henry before Regina arrived home. There had been nights when he'd whimpered softly in his sleep and she'd been able to swoop in quietly, to brush back sweaty locks from his forehead and lull him back to peaceful dreams with a gentle lullaby or whispered words of comfort but she'd never come in to him crying in such a way.
Making it across the little hallway, she pushed open the living room door to find Emma pacing back and forth and holding a shirtless Henry to her, his legs wrapped tightly around her waist with his little arms around her neck and head pressed into her blonde curls. She was rubbing soothing lines up and down his back with one hand whilst her other arm had formed a support bridge under his pyjama clad bottom. She was whispering words of empathy into his ear when Regina's movement caught her attention.
"Hey little man," she whispered then as the brunette moved slowly across the carpeted floor in order to reach them, a sad smile on her face at the cries she could identify now, the sounds of illness. "Look who's home."
Instantly his little head lifted from it's place on Emma's shoulder, a few strands of her hair sticking to his cheek with the wetness of his tears yet he didn't seem to notice, especially not when he was already throwing himself out into the arms Regina had waiting for him. "Mama!"
As he had grown older and started sleeping over at other children's houses, Regina had been saddened when the title of 'Mama' had evolved into 'Mom', even 'Mommy' was something of a rarity now but when he was sick, when he was feeling ill and in need of his special 'Mama cuddles' as he'd always called them, the title slipped out easily and regularly. "Hey there my little man," she caught his weight easily as his legs moved to wrap tightly around her waist, his arms around her neck just as they had with Emma, the blonde often joked that he was part human part spider-monkey in times like these and it would make him giggle with the reference but tonight was most certainly not a giggly night. "What's wrong my precious boy?" she asked even as she began instinctively bouncing him gently in her hold, a hand holding his head against her shoulder as she turned her face to press kisses to the slightly heated skin of his neck, "you not feeling so good tonight?"
He shook his head into her neck and only held on tighter as his cries settled into whimpers, her presence calming him somewhat though she had almost been afraid that he'd forgotten who she was with the way she had left him recently, another pang of guilt settling within her at the thought. Emma's green eyes were filled with such caring sympathy as she moved forward to rub her hand over his back again, talking to him whilst addressing Regina. "someone's got a case of a poorly tummy haven't we mister?" her jade eyes only grow sadder at the sight of the boy nodding his head without moving it from his mother's neck.
"Will it help if Mama sleeps with you tonight baby?" she asks, her face turned so the words wash over the top of his bare back, her fingers scratching lightly against his scalp as she swung her body slowly side to side in attempts to soothe him at least a little. She could feel Emma's eyes on her and could almost see the surprise and possible pride resting there for she had suggested the same thing as a comfort for Regina many times over the past few months, most of the times the brunette had just brushed her off and on very few occasions she had snapped at the woman to mind her own business, those nights she had cried herself even harder to sleep. She had known the blonde was right but something in her just wouldn't allow the tears to stop, wouldn't allow the nausea to settle within her stomach.
"Did you remember to set the alarm sweetheart?" she asked suddenly, the feeling of a deep sleep impending meant she was remembering things she should have asked about ten minutes earlier, nevertheless she felt him chuckle behind her, his arms wrapped around her and lips pressed to her bare shoulder, the thin strap of her pyjama vest having slipped down with her position. "What?" she queried with her own breathy laugh, her head lifting and turning a little on the pillow in order to give him the side eye.
"Nothing" he gave back though he continued chuckling into her skin, peppering kisses to her lavender scented skin, "I just love you, that's all."
And she smiled then, the corners of her eyes creasing with the expression as she pulled on his arms in order to turn slowly to face him, their noses almost touching as their eyes locked with reflections of love clear even in the darkness of the room. "I just love you too" she teased back on a soft breath, eyes trailing over his face as he laughed as quietly as he could, ever aware of the lateness of the hour. She watched him carefully, watched how his head fell a little heavier into his pillow as he studied her. "What now?"
"You're beautiful."
"Tell me something I don't know," was her instant laughed reply though she was stopped instantly by the hand that came to rest upon her cheek, thumb stroking the soft skin there as his expression grew serious though remained soft. She couldn't help but let her laughter fade into a content smile as she let him look at her, he'd told her once how much he enjoyed it and she couldn't help but revel in his tender affections.
"You really don't know do you?" and he'd asked her this question many times before, more a statement of awe rather than anything for how anyone who looked as she did could not know, he would never understand.
She knew he'd go on to regale her with tales of how his heart had practically stopped when he'd first seen her, how everything around him had frozen except her and how he'd have been content to simply watch her as she moved but he couldn't, he needed to know her, needed to be near her and so, knowing the story as she did, she leaned forward and cut off the rest with her lips over his, a hand against his cheek as she hovered above him. Pulling away slowly, lingering for as long as possible, she smiled warmly down at him. "You make me feel like the most beautiful person in the world," she whispered as her dark eyes took stock of his features, his handsome face, his kind blue eyes, "inside and out."
He'd smiled gently back at her, trailing a hand up the arm that was supporting her beside him before hooking his fingers around the back of her neck and pulling her back down to him in a kiss so gentle yet filled with such passion that she was instantly allowing her whole upper half to rest upon him, tilting her head in order to deepen the kiss with tongues tangli-
"Mama?" came a small voice from the doorway that had them pulling apart abruptly even as his hands remained in her hair and she remained just inches away from him with her face turned above his, "Daddy?"
"What's up my little knight?" she called softly to the silhouette standing in the doorway, a strange shape elongating one of his arms, his favourite stuffed monkey, "did you have a nightmare?"
"You wanna sleep with us tonight champ?" Daniel continued, sitting up and taking Regina with him even as she rotated in order to sit straight in bed once again, both watching as their son inched closer and closer to their bed with a thumb in his mouth, a habit Regina was trying to stop whilst Daniel only laughed and reminded her that he was still young. When the boy grew close enough, his father leaned down to pick him up with strong hands under his arms, lifting him over his body in order to place him into the spot his wife had just shifted from, right between them.
Instantly Henry was burrowing into her side, one little leg swinging to rest over her thigh as he buried his head into the crook of her neck and instantly fell back to sleep having been half asleep when he'd made his way to their room. She shifted down gently as not to jar him from slumber until she was on her back with her arms holding him closer, smiling when Daniel came to rest behind Henry with a hand moving over to rest upon her arm, his eyes already closing with the ease of this routine. They'd teach him one day to remain in his own bed, that monsters weren't real and mommy and daddy were right down the hall if he should need them for anything other than use of their bed but for now, as Regina looked at her two boys before dropping her own head down to sleep, Daniel's thumb rubbing lines over the skin of her arm lulling her to sleep, she found that right now she just wanted to revel in his love and attentions before he got too old to express them, for now she was content to just be.
The following night, Regina got the call that changed everything...the following night, Daniel died along with all of her dreams of their future.
"I love you Mama," Henry whispered into her hair as he pulled himself in closer to her, practically lying on top of her as she held him just as tightly as he did her. She kept the shaking to a minimal, loathe to ruin this wonderful moment after she had deprived herself of it for so long, promising herself that she would not neglect her boy anymore no matter how many memories it brought back to the surface...perhaps she would speak to that kind man next week, perhaps he could help her start to heal.
"I love you too my precious little boy."