Crusher emerged from the bedroom with a backward glance over her shoulder, a slight smile lighting her eyes and face. He looked so peaceful, and yet, she knew he could awaken at any moment, screaming in terror.
"How is he?" Troi asked from where she was sitting on the sofa.
"Sleeping. Finally." Crusher sank down beside the counselor.
They were silent for a moment, and then Troi spoke. "I'm sorry, Beverly. I...I didn't realize this was going to happen. When I talked with him, I knew the memories he was dealing with were difficult. But...he seemed in control." I didn't know.
Crusher shook her head. "No, Deanna. It's not your fault. I shouldn't have released him from Sickbay." I shouldn't have left him.
Troi glanced toward the bedroom door. "It's worse this time, isn't it?" She'd been there as well, during the long weeks after the Borg.
"I think it will be." Crusher took a trembling breath. "The nerve damage along the synaptic receptors in the brain could very well intensify his symptoms. And I haven't been able to determine the complete effect the Cardassian drugs had on his system."
"So what he's experiencing may be as physiological as it is psychological."
'Yes." Crusher ran her hand over her face and rubbed at her eyes. "That's why I'm hesitant to give him any drugs. I don't want to sedate him."
Troi's eyebrows arched with concern. She remembered the last time, the nightmares, the outbursts. They'd barely been able to restrain him, wouldn't have been able to without sedation.
Crusher sighed. "I know. It could be difficult. But I think with both of us here, we'll be able to handle him."
"Beverly..."
The doctor's eyes flashed possessively. "And if not, we can call Will or Data. I don't want anyone else involved." Please.
"I understand." Troi smiled faintly at her. "Why don't you get some rest here on the sofa?" She stood and took a step toward the bedroom. "I'll keep an eye on him."
"No, Deanna,-" Crusher started to protest. I can't.
"Beverly, he's sleeping now, and he's going to need you more when he wakes up. I'll call you before then if we need you." I will.
Crusher got to her feet. "No. I want to sit with him." I have to. She touched Troi on the arm. "But thank you." She went over to the shelf behind the desk and took down a book. "Besides, I've been wanting to read this one."
Troi stepped over to her and looked at the cover. "The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire?"
Crusher smiled. "Just a little light reading."
~vVv~
"Beverly?" Four...lights.
She jumped at the sound of his voice and looked up from the book on her lap. He was awake, staring at her, confusion clouding his eyes. His breathing was slow and even, although she could sense that his heart was beating at a nervous rate, pulsing, racing. She moved from the chair she was sitting in to the side of his bed.
He blinked at her and swallowed. "Beverly?" he whispered again.
"I'm here," she rubbed his cheek, reassuring him of her presence. "You're going to be fine." Just fine.
He closed his eyes and released a heavy sigh. Lights...
He was aware of his surroundings, she could tell. She'd been expecting nightmares, screaming and tears, but he was lucid now. For how long, she wasn't sure.
He looked back at her. "How did I get here?"
"Will had you transported directly from your ready room."
"I... I don't remember." His eyes searched hers, tears gathering in their green depths. "I can't..." His voice shook, his head tossing on the pillow. Beverly... Four lights. Four lights...
"Shh, Jean-Luc." She ran her hand over his forehead and smiled down at him. "I know everything seems confused right now. You've been through a lot. It's all right to want to hide from what you're feeling." It's all right.
He swallowed again, starting to cry, softly at first, and then louder, stronger, tears coursing down his cheeks. There are... five lights.
Crusher leaned over and gathered him into her arms, holding his trembling body close to her. "I'm here, Jean-Luc. I'm here."
~vVv~
When the crying subsided, Picard lay quietly in Crusher's arms, cradled securely in her embrace like a frightened child. His eyes were still open, but she knew he wasn't there. Not really.
Tenderly, she dried the tears from his cheeks with her fingertips. He stared up at her, eyelashes dark and damp, and he yawned. She pulled him further onto her lap and began to rock him, slowly, singing a song she'd sung to Wesley years ago. The words came back to her, instantly, as did the feelings: warm, maternal.
She stroked his face, kissed his forehead. With a shuddering breath, the tension in his body relaxed and he curled closer to her, eyes closing. With a sigh of her own, Crusher leaned over and rested her cheek on the top of his head. The words of the song faded into a soft hum, a soothing murmur. And she held him for a long time.
~vVv~
She woke to the touch of someone's hand on her shoulder and slowly opened her eyes. Deanna Troi was standing there, but Picard was gone.
"Jean-Luc?" she gasped. No...
"He's all right." Troi smiled reassuringly. "He's in the next room. He wandered in there about fifteen minutes ago. I thought you might need the rest, so I gave him a bowl of soup and let you sleep a while longer."
Crusher sighed and brushed her hair back from her face. "How is he?" She asked, but she knew already.
"Quiet. A little frightened. But hungry. I had to help him, but he managed to eat most of his soup."
"What's he doing now?"
"Sitting on the sofa watching the holoviewer."
Crusher stared past the counselor. "When he first woke up, he knew where he was; he knew me. Now..." He doesn't even know himself.
"Beverly." Troi sat down beside her. 'You know it's going to take some time. He could drift in and out like this for days."
"I know. It just... It feels different this time. After the Borg, he seemed to be fighting the memories, but now... He's giving into them. As if he's powerless against them."
"I'm sure he feels that way." Troi was silent for a moment. "And what are you feeling?"
"Deanna..." Crusher shook her head and started to stand. Not now.
Troi caught her arm. "Beverly, it's not your fault. You and Worf did the only thing you could have done."
Crusher froze. "No. We didn't. We could have gone back for him."
"And been captured as well?"
Crusher stared into her friend's eyes. "I...I don't know. I just feel responsible."
"We all do. Will blames himself. I blame myself. So does Worf. And Captain Jellico."
Crusher frowned at the name, looking doubtful.
"Yes, even Jellico. But we know where the blame really lies."
"And we can't do a thing about it," Crusher replied bitterly.
"Beverly, we're doing what we need to be doing right now." All we can do.
Crusher felt tears sting her eyes, and she tried to blink them away. "I look at him, and...it just hurts. How much more can he take?" How much?
Troi took hold of her hand. "He's strong, and he has us." We're here. "He's not alone."
Crusher looked over at the counselor. "But he feels like he is."
Troi nodded. "But he's not. He needs this time, Beverly. We have to give it to him."
"It's just..." She gasped. "Oh, Deanna."
Troi let go of Crusher's hand and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "It's all right."
"Why Jean-Luc?" The tears began to flow freely down the doctor's face. "Why?" She tried to stop crying, found that she couldn't, and gave into the sobs.
Troi continued to hold her, whispering words of assurance, knowing that Beverly Crusher also needed this time - to cry, to mourn. Long minutes passed, and the two women sat with their heads lowered, neither realizing that someone else had entered the room until they heard a voice, low and hesitant.
"Don't...don't cry."
They both looked up. Picard stood just inside the doorway, staring at them, scared and confused by the doctor's tears.
"Jean-Luc," Crusher said, quickly rubbing at her eyes.
He walked over and knelt on the floor in front of her. His arms encircled her waist, and he quietly laid his head on her lap. "Shh, don't cry," he murmured. "Don't cry."
Crusher sighed and rubbed her hands over his back, lovingly returning his embrace. She glanced over at Troi.
"Hold him, Beverly," the counselor whispered. "Just hold him as long as he'll let you."
~vVv~