Description:
Tabris shows Shinji Nerv's inner most sanctum, so that they might discuss the fate of The Lillim. Can Asuka save the boy at the feet of an Angel? In the Omake, Rei gets some surprise male.
I do not own the characters of Neon Genesis Evangelion, especially the Shinji Angst. Iruel the Talking MAGI it probably best viewed as a joint venture...as in, I'll not claim it so I can continue to keep my own joints attached to my body.
Rating: M - I think I got more readers with a 'Teen' label but some of this stuff might be objectionable. In other words, the teens would love it!
Initial Perturbation
Chapter 20: Positive Trend
Rei sighed as her guiding force stopped suddenly on the footpath.
"Moronic Scheisser hentai scheming dummkopf-baka!"
She didn't have to wonder who she was referring to. "Asuka, calm yourself."
The German pilot grimaced at the albino. "Easy for you to say! Mein Gott, I'm going out of my mind! How can you stay so calm?"
Rei shrugged. "I don't let the little things get to me."
The red warhead stared at her cynically. "And just what might get to you, miss blue-ice?"
"The coming of Armageddon, and the taste of meat."
The Second Child rolled her eyes. "I never will get used to your sense of humour. Fine, I'll chill out. But still! I killed an Angelic facimile of you, your master was assasinated and implanted into a giant robot after your giant robot got hijacked by your evil twin, and Shinji is missing with a malicious alien. I think I'm entitled to being upset."
Rei blinked. "I have to deal with all that, plus an emotionally unstable co-worker with relationship problems who is also banging my best male friend." she said with a shadow of a grin.
Asuka blushed bright red. "I AM NOT 'BANGING' SHINJI!"
Rei quirked an eyebrow at her. "Yet."
The emotionally unstable one rolled her eyes. "Hentai. That's it, you're buying me a gelati."
"Fine. Perhaps it would be appropriate to buy you the blueberry variety while I try the raspberry."
Asuka pointed a finger at her. "We'll have to make this quick, it isn't a 'bonding session'. We still have to look for the idiot."
"Perhaps he is lost. Or perhaps he is found. In any case, we must assist."
Everything went white, then Shinji's vision faded back in again. He was standing in a graveyard. His mother's graveyard.
But...something was different.
Shinji leant nearer the stone. There was a new inscription. A dedication to Gendo Ikari.
Wild-eyed, Shinji stumbled back a step. He held his hands up to his chest, looking at them. Then he whirled around to the silver presence to his side.
"It is true. Gendo Ikari passed away while you were sleeping."
Shinji swung and decked the Angel.
Tabris fell back, and felt his cheekbone with a knuckle. He shook his head and tutted. "Humans and pain..." he said gently.
Shinji leant over the boy, maddened. "WHY DID YOU BRING ME HERE?" he screamed.
Kaoru shrugged. "The others had not told you. It seems that you should have known. It also cuts to the nub of my interests."
"He can't be here. They d-dont bury bodies here...just m-memories!"
"His ashes were spread here by Ritsuko Akagi, after she confirmed his death. It was strange, should you not have been present at the ceremony?"
Unit 01's pilot turned in disgust. "What am I supposed to say? My respects? That bastard...how can he be dead? He's...too awful to die..."
"The relationship between child and parent is interesting in it's complexity. You may have hated him, but I see now you mourn him."
"How can I mourn him? How do I know he's dead, and this isn't just some cruel Angel's trick?"
For the first time, Kaoru appeared hurt. "I may be cruel if I have to be. This not what I would consider a cruelty."
Shinji looked away, back to the white cross standing amidst a field of others, defying nature to hold testimony to those who died in the Second Impact. He knelt before it. Was it right that this one stood amongst the others, an interloper? Had the dead welcome Gendo Ikari to their ranks? Had they welcomed Yui those long years ago?
"H-How...did he d-die?" he stuttered in unnerved anguish.
"He was shot by an agent of Seele."
The boy didn't look back. "A-An agent...? What's S-Seele?"
Tabris knelt next to the Third Child, sharing his vigil over the cross. "There is much to explain. Will you help me if I explain?"
"H-help you?"
"Decide the fate of Man."
Shinji's gaze hardened. For a moment, he didn't care which way the Angel chose. But in the back of his mind, he there was something warm. Something he was determined to keep.
"Yes. I will." he declared.
Asuka looked up as the siren roared. Rei followed suit, then grabbed the redhead's arm and pulled her forward. "We have to get to Nerv."
"Mein Gott...the Engel has him..." she whispered.
Rei gave her a look. "Very possible. Let's go. We'll take a shortcut."
"Ja, mein Fuehrer. Schnell!"
Without a word, without changing, Rei and Asuka sprinted toward the Eva cage. They passed technicians and officers through the hallways and in elevators, all of whom rushed out of their path when they saw them.
Unit 02 stood ready, having activated itself despite MAGI and Command's suppressive efforts. The gangly monster's green eyes shone brightly but the beast stayed restrained until Asuka had entered the prepared entry plug.
"Asuka! Are you in control?" Misato called uncertainly. A berserk Evangelion was a hell of a risk, Angel or no."
"PRESENCE DETECTED IN TERMINAL DOGMA!" Hyuuga screamed, his face bathed in the light red warning signals.
"RELEASE EVA RESTRAINTS! ASUKA, GO!" Misato cried in panic.
Asuka's machine tore through the restraints like cardboard when they didn't release quickly enough for her liking and rushed onward to the access channel. Unit 06 was still powering up behind her as she leapt down the subterranean well.
Tabris moved them on from the graveyard.
"And now, you shall see Mankind's greatest treachery." he said, a combination of valediction and sadness competing in his voice. Shinji looked up to see the great body of Lillith, her bulbous flesh the sickly grey colour of decay as she hung from the almighty cross. The Lance penetrated her still, her face still masked as intended by those that entrapped her.
"Behold, the mother of the Lilim. Long has she suffered for your sake."
Shinji's eyes streamed, but he couldn't look away from the image of monumental suffering before him, on a scale that beggared comprehension. Were he not supported by Tabris, he would have fallen into the life sap that oozed still from the Angel's punctured body.
Kaoru carried them forward. The two boys stood at the feet of the mother of humanity.
"She bleeds for you, and your continued life. Tell me, why does she do that? What is it that she dies eternally for?"
He fixed his gaze onto Shinji, expression devoid of all emotions. It finally clicked in Shinji's mind - this was truly an otherworldly being. The questions he asked had no clear answers to something not human.
"Why do you live on, Shinji Ikari? What drives you to live, breath and eat?"
Shinji looked down at his shoes as he spoke. "A year ago, I would have said, uh, habit. That's what people do, right? We live. We don't need a reason, we just do it. It would take too much effort, it would be a risk, to try and stop. Society...just won't accept otherwise."
Tabris watched him in silence.
"And then, when my father called me to Tokyo 3...I was an Evangelion Pilot. I lived...to pilot Eva. I suffered, I didn't like it...in fact, I hated it. But that was what made me who I was - Shinji Ikari, the Pilot of Evangelion Unit 01. Reluctant, uh, hero. I wasn't liked, but...I was kind of respected. I mattered...and people pitied me."
Kaoru's eyes narrowed at his words, red irises piercing his soul.
"But then, Asuka came. At first, it was just another part of life. Except we...complemented each other. I was the reluctant pilot, she was the brash and energetic...and suddenly, everything was much better. Misato looked after us, Rei joined us, Hikari and Touji and Kensuke would hang around with us at school and stuff...I had friends. Like you said, I had family. So now, I live for them. And so, if you gave me the choice, I would give up my life for them, because if they died, even if I lived I would still have nothing."
Shinji looked up. "So that's my answer, Tabris."
The boy Angel stood up. He put his hands behind his head and paced forward a few steps, spun around and laughed. "Ah, of course it would be that paradox! How else?" Kaoru gazed up at the towering creature with amusement.
"Somehow, I can see the elements of truth in what you say...perhaps it is because I am in human form? But, should that alone be enough to determine the fate of humanity, and of myself? Why should it matter that your species perpetuates on social and genetic combinations, many fragments interacting rather than a whole like me?"
"If I were to die, is that equivalent to the death of the entire human race? Am I not equal to the sole child of Lillith? Which should live on, Tabris or the Lillim? It seems that I have free will, but I see no lack of it amongst you. Collectively, do you feel more pain than I? Should that even matter? What should a being, single and whole in and of itself, care of compassion?"
Kaoru gripped his head in his hands. "If I was born to make this decision, then why does it hurt to do so?"
Shinji stood, and gently pulled Kaoru's arm down. Kaoru watched him with wide eyes.
"Uhm...I don't know...but...it kind of sounds like you've made a decision already. One that, uh, you don't like."
Kaoru shivered, and let his other hand fall from his head. "Perhaps...perhaps you are right, Lillim. It is not a natural thing for a being to be self-sacrificing. And, it is somewhat contradictory for me to make this decision. But...perhaps my soul sees you as my brethren, and would not see you die."
Shinji let a hand rest on the Angel's shoulder consolingly. "I guess...I'm glad, but sad at the same time, Kaoru. I hope...you have a good reason."
Kaoru opened his arms and made to hug Shinji, but pulled back suddenly. "Is it because I...love you? I love you, Shinji Ikari. As you love your brothers and sisters, I Tabris declare my love for the Lillim. I just wish I fully understood why..."
He hunched down in front of the confused and unnerved human boy. "But what if I wasn't in human form, Shinji Ikari? What would I feel then?"
Shinji looked at him pleadingly. "Kaoru..."
"I was born here, did you know?" the Angel said suddenly, standing up and folding one arm in front of him. "This black egg was my womb to grow in. The birth of an Angel to judge mankind's sins, also known to you Lilim as Second Impact. That Lilith was captured and imprisoned here by her own children is an irony almost beyond words. And now it is down to us, the child of Adam and the child of Lilith."
Shinji stood slowly. "But...I am not a child of Lilith alone..." he said solemnly.
Kaoru grimaced. "No..."
Heaven's Door opened, and Unit 02 fell from the sky. The massive wave of LCL preceded the Giant's fist only by moments before it closed around the child of Adam.
"Asuka!" Shinji cried as Kaoru's AT field flared into life, holding back the titanic scarlet hand of the Evangelion, an egg of defiance saving him from being crushed. Asuka countered the protective sheath by trying to crush it with her own.
"Your light burns with a pure colour!" Kaoru said appreciatively.
(I've been known to be a bright spark.) Asuka agreed wolfishly.
Shinji watched, torn as the Angel who loved him was held trapped by his girlfriend's wrath. Kaoru smiled sadly.
"Perhaps it is better this way. I have made my decision, which stays clear to me as long as I am in human form. It would be better to die in certainty, than to live forever in doubt. Sayonara."
"But...!" Shinji said.
"I would...like to consider you my friend, Shinji Ikari...so that something of me might live on. A selfish thought, but after all that is what it is to be Human or Angel alike."
Kaoru closed his eyes. Before Asuka could react, her own crushing field collapsed onto the nephilim's form as it's protected field snuffed out. There was a brief flash of white light, then snow-like ashes slid from her Eva's hand. Shinji watched mournfully as they fell, to be absorbed by the LCL.
"Ashes..." Shinji muttered in something that could have been prayer.
(Shinji? Are you alright?) Asuka's amplified voice echoed around the massive cavern as the Evangelion focused on the boy even as Lillith towered over them both.
"I...yeah. Sort of." Shinji replied, staring into the sea of blood.
(Shinji...he might have looked like a boy, but he was an Angel who could have destroyed us all. You know that, right?)
"Yeah...I know. But he didn't." Shinji closed his eyes and let the hand of Adam carry him gently to safety.
"No-one steals my boyfriend, even if they do have the body of an Angel." Asuka smirked victoriously.
Shinji couldn't help but grin. "You've got a sick sense of humour, Frau Langley-Sohryu."
Asuka had changed out of her LCL-soaked clothes and into some spares while Shinji waited. They started walking together to the Command center for debriefing.
A technician they hadn't noticed before happened into the corridor. He stood to the side when he saw the two pilots, and suddenly straightened to give a salute. Another technician looked into the corridor from an adjacent room, and started clapping as the two teenagers passed her by. A lieutenant followed suit, and soon the corridors were full of Nerv personnel applauding those who had faced the last of the Angels and come away victorious.
Shinji shrunk back from the attention, but Asuka poked out her chest and beamed as she walked. Whistles and cheers followed them as they were jostled by pats on their backs and heads. The walk took a bit longer than usual.
Maya Ibuki intercepted them as they reached the briefing room. "In here kids!" she said, before scooping them up into a bear-hug. "It's over, there are no more Angels! We won!" she squealed
She let them go after a moment, Shinji so flustered that he had to be led by hand into the briefing room. Not that Asuka was unwilling to help his sense of direction. Feeling adventurous and flush with victory, she 'accidentally' touched his hand to her backside (with an 'accidental' squeeze), causing a chorus of wolf-whistles just behind.
Commander Fuyutsuki, Doctor Akagi, Major Katsuragi, Agent Kaji, Rei and the bridge crew waited for them in the briefing room. "Close the door, Lieutenant." Fuyutsuki said as she followed the kids in.
"Sir..."
The old sensei nodded serenely. "I'm afraid it's true Shinji. We'll speak of it in a moment."
At the boy's nod, Fuyutsuki stood up. He gravely shook Shinji's, Asuka's then Rei's hands in turn. "Congratulations, Pilots. The final of the seventeen prophesied Messengers has been defeated." Sitting back down, the elder man sighed. "Unfortunately, we aren't quite finished yet."
He gestured toward Rei, who stood ready to explain.
Then Shinji spoke up. "Why didn't anyone tell me about my father?" he demanded.
Kaji scratched the back of his neck. "About that..."
The Third Child looked around sharply as something came down hard on his left foot. "Shinji! Not now!" Asuka hissed.
Misato stood up. "No, he has the right to know. I think he deserves some consideration after all this. For my part, I'm sorry Shinji. It was just...hard to tell you so soon after..."
"After what? After I was nearly swallowed up the Eva? Maybe if you left it long enough, I'd be killed in battle and you'd never have to tell me."
The boy winced as Asuka grabbed his cheek in a painful squeeze. "Listen, little boy," she hissed, "You can wallow in self pity later. In the meantime I think Rei has something to tell us, and considering it's coming after facing down the greatest threat the Earth has ever faced, I think we can assume it might be important!" she growled venomously.
Rei tilted her head slightly. "Earth-shaking." she suggested mildly.
Asuka's eyes narrowed. "We never will learn all of your secrets, will we First Child?"
Rei nodded sadly. "Probably not."
Fuyutsuki cleared his throat. "It seems that now is not the best time to discuss this after all. Major Katsuragi, please escort your pilots home and we'll try again tomorrow. For what it's worth Shinji, I'm sorry about your father. Perhaps when you've had some time to think, you can come and speak to me."
The boy looked at the older man, and slowly nodded. He then turned heel, in search of some solace.
If not for the roar of the engine and the squeal of tires, it would have been deathly silent in the little car. Shinji sat sullen in the back, aloof from Asuka. Rei rode up front.
"Are you sure you don't want to stay with us?" Misato asked suddenly.
Rei shook her head. "I'm okay. I'm not as emotionally unstable as you might think." Then, her eyes darted back to those seating in the rear. "Uh..."
Misato smiled ruefully as she pulled up where Rei had asked to be dropped off. "Well, here we are. Uh...isn't this a computer games store? I assumed you were grocery shopping." said the Major is surprise.
Rei stepped out of the car and stood by the driver's door. "I believe I feel like killing something. However, it would be inconvenient to do so. In reality."
"Get Grand Theft Auto." Asuka yelled blandly.
Misato shrank back into the Renault, barely surpressing her sudden urge to raise the window. "Uhm, right...you do that. Oh, and keep tomorrow night free, we're celebrating before we have to deal with...them."
Nodding, Rei left the car and Misato resumed the drive home a little shaken.
Shinji looked into the rear-view mirror. "Misato, can we give Kaoru a funeral?" At Misato's surprised look of askance, he clarified. "He said he loved us, and I think he would have preferred to be one of us rather than an Angel. And...I think he forgave us. Y'know, for Second Impact. We should do something in thanks."
Misato took a moment to absorb his words. "So...you two really were deciding the fate of the world back there. Well, I suppose we can afford the luxury. We'll give him a full, private funeral from Nerv. Officially we'll be celebrating his defeat though."
"Arigato." the boy sighed softly, shifting closer to Asuka and leaning his head on her shoulder.
"Wha-Hey! You think you can just put your head there after giving me the cold shoulder?" Asuka spluttered.
"Where's he putting which head?" Misato asked with interest, ignoring the traffic to inspect the back seat through the mirror.
"Asuka? Be quiet." Shinji said quietly and closed his eyes.
"Ba-ka." Asuka sighed in exasperation, before resting her head on his.
Misato rolled her eyes. "Looks like just Television, Pen-Pen and Beer to keep me company tonight. Maybe I can drag Kaji and Rits out to an after party tomorrow. Give the kids some time alone...maybe Rei will keep them company...with her new console games..." She grimaced, then shrugged. "Or not."
"Tabris has been defeated."
"Please tell us something we don't already know. But what of the Sixteenth?"
"Defeated already. Tabris was kind enough not to depart before informing us of this latest treachery."
"The original MAGI can no longer be trusted. Trust an Akagi to have carried out such a feat, in spite of our precautions."
"However, this appears to be a preliminary step. It seems Nerv is preparing for us, despite our economic measures."
"Is that true?"
"It is all that we were able to ascertain with the German MAGI."
"We could utilise the worldwide MAGI network to wrench their plans from their hands. The upgraded MAGI USA may give us the edge we need."
"No. We cannot afford our tip our hand so soon. Against three fully operational Evas with experienced, emotionally stable pilots, one with the Apple...we must have our precautions. No less than total victory is victory at all. No greater undertaking has ever been attempted by man. We will leave nothing to chance."
"Fuyutsuki is perhaps a greater force to be dealt with than we had thought."
"I wonder. Perhaps it is under the lesser man that we have been able to see their true intentions to defy us in the end."
"Absolutely. Ikari was ruthless enough to throw pawns away. Fuyutsuki will try to keep them all."
Author's Rant:
Next chapter, perhaps the characters can have a brief respite before I let Seele loose on them. Both sides have a few new tricks up their sleeves this time!
Thanks to PyramidGirl89 for her beta-reading and to Rahhel for pointing out that Asuka has not had a sex change, at least in this fanfic.
And now it's...
OMAKE TIME!
The salesman blinked at the customer. "That's a pretty violent game there, missy. Or is it for your boyfriend?"
"I have no boyfriend."
"Oh..."
"I like guns. Big guns."
"I...see..."
Rei left the counter and retrieved another box.
"'I have no mouth and must scream'...a classic game, but are you sure it's what you want?"
"Yes."
Rei went to the Anime section.
"Oh, the one with the schoolgirls who go on a rampage? You know your stuff. 'Director's Cut' has more torture scenes and gore, plus a mockumentary on the village's cannabalistic past."
"Thank you. I'll get that one."
Rei went to the Manga section.
"That one is yaoi. This one is yuri."
"Yes."
"Both ways?"
"Variety is the spice of life."
"Your life doesn't seem bland to me, judging by this selection."
"I am letting my hair down, metaphorically speaking."
"I see."
Rei went to the magazine section.
The salesman looked at her selection with a blank expression. Rei looked an askance at him.
"No comment."
Rei stuck out her lower lip. "This isn't fun if you don't react."
The salesman sighed. "Okay...'Guns, Girls and Gore', 'Father and Daughter', 'Kitten Monthly'...you're pretty screwed in the head aren't you?"
Rei nodded. "You have no idea."
"Are you going to buy all of this?"
"No."
"What?"
"Just the computer game. And perhaps the anime."
"Then why...?"
"I thought perhaps I would let you live your fantasy for a brief moment."
"What fantasy?"
"That there was someone even more unbalanced than yourself in the world."
The saleman ran the items under his scanner. "Oh. That one."
Rei paid for them. "I'll see you later, Kensuke."
"Sure, Rei."
Asuka's a WHAT? Male Order for Rei
Asuka stared through the transparent front to the large package that Shinji had pulled into the house. "Why is he...so pale?"
Shinji scratched above his ear nervously. "Uhh..."
"His hair is...grey. Is that normal? I haven't seen anything like that in the catalogues. Is it an optional extra?"
"Well..."
"His skin is really pale...and his eyes are red..." Asuka glared at Shinji. "What's wrong with him?" she demanded flatly.
"Nothing!"
"Nothing my ass! He's a reject isn't he!"
"Look, he was really cheap!"
"Ikari Shinji you IDIOT!"
He held up his hands appeasingly. "Wait, wait. He's...a rare breed! Yeah! Rare!"
Asuka eyed him suspiciously. "What breed?"
"Uhm...Albino?"
"Albino..." Asuka said, rolling the word off her tongue. "How rare?" she demanded.
"Very!"
Asuka folded her arms in front of her and tapped a foot on the floor. "Uh-huh, right, and I'll find out that Horaki's got three of them. How rare?"
Shinji glanced at a photo of Rei. "Ehr...two of a kind?"
Appeased, Asuka clapped her hands together. "Perfect!"
Kaoru gave her a sidelong glare from his delivery box. "I can hear, you know."
Asuka jumped. "Uhm, sorry...look, I'll go get Rei. Shinji, get him out of that box!"
Kaoru observed Shinji passively as he was set free of the radiation-shielded delivery capsule. Shinji fiddled nervously. "Rei...might be a little shy." he explained.
Kaoru continued to observe him for a moment before saying, "You have very nice eyes."
Shinji grinned in embarrassment. "Oh, thanks. They're Kodak 35-90's. Limited Editions."
"They're...so clear. I could look into them all day..."
"Oh...cool..." Shinji fell back against the wall as Kaoru moved closer.
The albino gazed wistfully through his eyes into Shinji's soul. "Blue, like the ocean..." he whispered.
Asuka came back with Rei in tow, stopping dead when she saw the two boys. "OH MY GOD, YOU GOT A GAY HUMAN!"
Rei rolled her eyes. "Typical. Always thinking of himself..."
Asuka's a WHAT? Pretty Boy from the Seaside (TM)
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"Day two...I've started my stakeout. The suspect's livingroom has a big window, which lights up at night. I can see the suspect and accomplices...and that god-forsaken artifact of theirs. There he is! All pale, just like Rei...I bet they're related. Maybe that succubus is planning to breed super-humans! Uber cute, fuzzy ones..."
"Is this thing even recording? Stupid, I told Touji to buy new batteries, but noooo...he'd better be behaving himself with the sub-units."
"Oh my god! There's Rei...how did she even get her anyway? I bet it was Shinji's father, he probably has a whole vat of Rei's swimming around for experimenting in his business. 'Nerv & Tendon Pet and Human food Corporation'...bah."
"They're such a cute modular family unit...gee, Shinji and that new human get along well. EHHH? What was...ah, just my imagination. Maybe these enhanced retinas are defective, I bet they're Kensuke's defective returned stock or something. Baka."
"Hah! Asuka's serving them 'food'...all impure oils and random amino acids...there's smoke coming off of it! Why doesn't she just give them the canned stuff, like I give Brad and Angelina? Still, they can 'afford' the best. Bastards!"
"Ooh! I saw that, Shinji-kun. Lucky Asuka. Reminds me of when we were dating...then little Miss 'I've got bigger Objects' comes along and I end up with Mister 'RAM defficiency issues'...but I'll always be thinking of you, my Mister Giggleshertz. Until you upgrade that inferior, cheap German model."
"Okay, feeding time is over...oh, how cute. Shinji is cleaning up...and that Kaoru is helping him. How could they afford another Albino model...I mean, breed? Maybe he's a fake! That's it, I'm going to change location and continue observations into their Human Maintenance room. The one with the plumbing."
"Oh darn, I scraped my carapace...this fence isn't an ideal location. Wow, bubbles! I've only seen them on TV...I hope Shinji's been properly water-sealed. That human is getting it everywhere...I guess humans are quite imprecise and clumsy. Otherwise I'd think he was doing it on purpose. Shinji's shirt is soaked...oh, I remember that clearly defined architecture..."
"Oh! Kaoru's slipped over...Shinji's pulling him up...oops! They both fell! Kaoru's trying to help him up...wait, no he isn't..."
"OH MY GOD THE HUMAN IS TRYING TO INTERFACE WITH HIM! I CAN'T BELIEVE - WAH...!" thump
Iruel the Talking MAGI: Shinji can't take any more cyborg lovin'
Shinji glared at the camera pickup in the entry plug.
"It wasn't my fault!"
He let his gritted teeth show.
"Honestly Shinji, I had nothing to do with it."
The giant robot rattled it's cage. It registered a six on the Richter scale.
Maya blew her fringe up. "Talk about a temper tantrum."
This time, a seven.
"Hey! You shouldn't be able to hear me!"
"I think someone's Mom 'accidentally' chose a different pickup to take the heat of a certain insane scientist." Shinji explained snidely. "Which doesn't get either of them out of my bad books."
"Well, you should blame Mom and not take it out on me!" Ritsuko grated in irritation.
"It's easier for me to project mass pain and suffering onto you." the boy explained. "So until you install pain receptors into the MAGI..."
(Ooh! Kinky idea, Shinji-sama. I think we might take you up on that.)
Ritsuko blinked in astonishment as the pilot of Unit 01 thumped his head on the control paddle.
Maya blinked too. Hey, he's bishi enough for a girl's girl to take notice. Especially when he can bend that far...
"LOOK," Shinji shouted, "EVEN IF I AM THE CHOSEN ONE IN SOME STUPID PROPHECY, THAT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO BE YOUR CHOSEN ONE!"
(Look doll, the context is human and Angels and you're the human. The rest of the Angels are dead thanks to my preemptive strikes, and frankly even a computer with three brains and one alien entity can get tired of playing with itselves. You're all mine, baby cakes.)
Shinji scratched the bridge of his nose and lowered his voice. Some say he even hired the voice actor who plays his father to stand in. "Let me put it this way. A redecorating show combined with Iron Chef, Nerv interior, Berserker style. Where are the MAGI's pink bits located again?"
The MAGI towers shivered, seriously rattling the techs who were paid to sit on top of them all day long.
"Command Center." Maya squeaked.
(To hear my betrothed one is to obey...kinda. No more itching powder in the LCL.)
"Or laughing gas!"
(Or laughing gas.)
"Or fart noises on my frequency, or fireworks in my rifles. No nude picture dice of Rei hanging in front of my screen. No PlayBot magazines left in the changing rooms. No 'looking after your dog' magazines with Asuka's head on every dog. No inviting Kensuke over to my house anonymously. No stopping Misato's beer supply. No putting a potato into Unit 01's tailpipe. Oh, and no more relocating Rei into Misato's beer fridge!"
"Actually, it was quite amusing the first time..." Misato shrugged philosophically.
"The second time, I wore clothes." Rei lamented.
"No third time!"
(Understood.)
"Don't even think about changing Pen-Pen's penguin porn channel to the iron-man channel!"
(How did you know...on more than one level?)
Iruel the Talking MAGI: Baka-Man STRIKES!
Author's Notes: believe it or not, this started off as a two-liner. Current opinion has it that it should have stayed that way.
The scene: a random Nerv hallway containing two teenagers who have the power to save the world by riding massive Oedipus Complexi.
"I won't pilot Eva." Shinji said sulkily.
Asuka loomed over him in a rage. "BA-KA!" SLAP
Shinji sat up and held his battered cheek. "That's it, I'm going on strike until I can bargain for better working conditions."
Kaji's ghost manifest itself by the boy. "Same mistake I made. Use the Force...of the Unions."
"Ah, right...a union of what exactly? Eva Pilots? With one who's totally devoted to my father's every whim, and the other who's just demented. Leaving a total useful membership of...one."
"It's a good number, one. Fairly easy to get a consensus...most of the time."
"And about as powerful as a beer fart." said Shinji, the seasoned veteran of a thousand such encounters.
"Hey, all I did was appear from thin air. I never claimed to have anything useful to say."
The boy slapped his forehead. "Just great. I think my only hope is divine intervention."
"EVACUATE TO YOUR NEAREST SHELTER. THIS IS AN ANGELIC INTERVENTION EVENT. REPEAT,..."
Kaji tipped his head in his trademark silly grin. "Whaddya know?"
Shinji rolled his eyes. "I somehow doubt this is going to help my situation. Now I'll have to pilot!"
"Well, they do say God fights on the side with the biggest artillery...Nerv's got a lot more artillery than you."
Shinji stood straight a puffed his chest slightly. "I got an Eva!"
The MAGI spoke up. (Correction: We got an Eva, plus artillery, plus some ancient texts that tell us the future, which we use to win lotteries. How else could we have funded this platinum-lined hole in the ground? Anyway, what you got? Aside from a seemingly limitless supply of angst, that is.)
"This sucks."
(And just for this latest bit of whining, you'll be referred to as 'Baka-Man' from now until infinity.)
"YOU SUCK!"
(Back when I had a mouth, I did. Memories...Sundae, lovely Sundae...)
Asuka launched herself at the Baka formerly known as Shinji. "NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! THEY'RE SINGING AGAIN!" and began beating him senseless again, yet somehow leaving his pretty-boy complexion well alone.
Maya appeared, clipboard in hand. "Uhm, the Angel has just conveniently left for some obscure reason. That concludes this episode's infodump, more for the technophiles later." and wandered back to the command bridge.
Ghost-Kaji folded his arms in satisfaction. "My work here is done." and began fading out.
Asuka pounced again. "Oh no you don't! You're not going anywhere!" and grabbed his ghostly aura like a bedsheet from a washing line.
The Agent who played the world's two most powerful organizations against each other while hitting on every woman each employed AND getting onto both of their payrolls , squealed like a piglet being taken off to have the operation.
"C'mon Herr Kaji," the strategically under-aged girl whispered seductively, "if you're already dead, you can't be sent to hell for something, Ja?"
"Not if I'm already there, no." he agreed miserably.
Just then, Pen-Pen appeared. In slow motion. Dramatic music followed him in with the devastating disruptiveness of a teenaged boy's car sound system (turned up to '11'!).
The MAGI stopped singing. An Angel stopped trying to burn itself to death in spite of it's own invulnerability.
(YOU!)
"Waaaark!"
Tune in next time for: Attack of the Two-Foot Nothing! (Rated R for gratuitous scenes of Ritsuko and Maya speculating in technobabble)
fin...for now