Uninterrupted Solitude, Unstable Condition, Uncertain Future
Uninterrupted Solitude
I'm sitting on a swing at the playground. "Higher, Jonathan!" I call to him. "I want under duckies!" I laugh.
"Clary baby, I'm too tired for under ducks. I've been pushing you so long, my arms hurt. I'm sorry." He sighs.
"Jonathan, can't you just push me one more time?" I pout.
"Okay, fine Clary. I'll push you one time, just one time… Right down the stairs!" He says.
Everything fades and we're standing at the top of the stairs.
"Are you ready Clary?" He asks.
"Ready as I'll ever be, Jon." I laugh.
"Then let go!" He says and pushes me.
"Jon, look at me, I can fly!"
"You sure can, little angel."
"You'll catch me, right?"
"Yes Baby, I'll be right there to catch you."
I'm lying on the floor and looking up at a bright white light. I feel the moist trickle of blood flowing from my mouth.
"You didn't catch me Jon."
"I'm right here, Baby. I'm right here with you"
The floor becomes snow and I'm lying on my back in it, laughing and making snow angels.
"Look, Jon, look how pretty I can make them."
"You sure can, Clary. They're pretty just like you are."
"And they're my angels, just like how I'm your angel."
"That's right Sweetheart. You'll always be my angel girl."
"The snowflakes tickle my eyes Jon."
"Then shut your eyes, Baby."
"Okay, my eyes are shut."
"Okay, good. Now no peeking!"
"Silly Jonathan, I never peek!"
"Good girl. Okay, now come and find me!"
I am wandering through the dark calling out to him.
"Jonathan, where are you?"
"I'm right here Clary, come and find me!"
"Jon, I can't find you!"
"Just follow the sound of my voice."
"Jon, I'm scared! Jonathan?"
"You just need to find your way back to me. I know you can"
"But it's so quiet and peaceful here. Why don't you come and find me, Jon?"
"Clary, Baby, I can't follow you where you're going. That's why I need you to come back to me."
"But Jon, I don't know the way!"
"You'll figure it out Sweety. I believe in you. And I'll be right here waiting when you do."
"It's a long way back Jonathan. And I'm tired. Can't I just please rest a while longer?"
"No Clary! The longer you sleep, the harder this will be."
"It might be too hard Jon. Maybe I should just say goodbye?"
"No! Baby, I need you! Don't you quit on me, okay? Promise!"
"I don't know Jonathan, I don't know if I can."
"Yes! You can, just promise me you'll come back. I want you to get better, so I can take you home."
"Home?"
"Yes, Baby. Home, the place where we can be together."
"Um, Jon, I think I might be headed to a different home."
"No, you're stronger than this! I know you, Baby. I know you can fight this. Just give it all you've got! For me?"
"Okay Jon. I'll try."
"Not good enough Clary! I need you to promise."
"Okay, fine! I promise!"
"That's better. Now open your eyes!"
Unstable Condition
I awake to the steady beep, beep, beep of the computer screens. I imagine they're keeping tabs on my vitals. The entire top half of my body hurts and I vaguely remember falling, so I know I must be in the hospital. I can't open my eyes though. I think there are bandages over my face. Instead I clear my throat so anyone nearby will know I'm awake.
"Clary!?" It's Jonathan's voice and I realize he's been holding my hand. He must've been asleep.
"Jon? Hey! How's it going?" I say weakly and try to smile but my face hurts.
"Amazing, now that you're awake! They've been saying how crucial these first 48 hours are and that if you could just wake up, it'd be a miracle and so I've been trying so hard to get through to you. Talking to you, holding your hand, even tried crappy attempts at singing. Until recently nothing worked. I fell asleep and was dreaming about you and that I was telling you to wake up and then you really woke up, though I'm sure there was no connection. I'm just so glad you're awake."
"Yeah, me too. Jon, how bad is it?"
"The truth?"
"Always."
"It's pretty bleak Baby. You landed twice, first time on the banister, then on the floor. You basically flew through the banister and shattered a couple of ribs and then when you hit the floor, a loose rib logged in your spine. They've done two operations on you now, they operated to remove the rib so your spinal cord wouldn't be further severed but it was partially severed at the L4 level. So, you may be able to eventually walk again. They also operated on your right arm, which you broke in three places. So now you have some metal in your arm from now on but it'll be back to normal otherwise in a month or two. The main things they were worried about was internal bleeding and infection. They stopped the bleeding when they did the main operation, so now we just have to watch for clots. As for infection, they have you on a steady dose of antibiotics so that should help just in case."
I don't know at what point I started crying but I'm so water logged now that Jonathan is literally sopping up the river of tears with a Kleenex.
"So how much of my body should I be able to feel then?" I ask.
"It varies and they were planning to test you more when you regained consciousness, but probably not much below your abdomen right now.
"Okay, yeah cuz there is like a wall around the level of my belly button. Above that everything hurts like a bitch but below that, there's like, nothing." I say, trying not to panic.
"Yeah and that's perfectly normal for your type of injury. You may get some of that feeling back but it's not certain if you will, okay?" I nod.
"Are Mom and Dad here?" I ask. Everyone has probably been worried sick about me.
"Yes, they're just down in the cafeteria. I will page the nurse to come and check on you and have them page Mom and Dad because I'm not leaving your side, okay?"
"Thanks Jon." I say, managing another nod.
"No thanks necessary, I love you so much Baby." He smiles.
"Even though I'm an invalid now?" I smirk?
"You're not an invalid, Clary, you've just been injured, that's all, okay?"
"Yes Sir. I stand corrected." I salute with my unbroken arm. I figure, the only way I'll get through this is with humor so hopefully he can put up with my antics.
"Wake me up when they get here okay? I'm just gonna shut my eyes for a bit." I say.
"Anything you say, my fair Lady." He says, softly petting my hair. I close my eyes and sleep.
Uncertain Future
"She's awake? They said she was awake, Jon?" I heard my mother's frantic voice entering the room. I open my eyes to see her and Dad come rushing in.
"Hey Mom, I was just snoozing but yeah, I'm awake now." I smile.
"Oh thank God! Oh honey, we were so worried!" She says coming to sit beside me on the edge of the bed.
"I know it must have been awful for you guys." I sigh. Not happy to have been the cause of my family's pain.
"Oh, no, we had it easy. You're the one who got the raw deal. And Jon's been a rock. He hasn't left your side, Clary. He won't even take a bathroom break unless one of us is here and even then he uses your bathroom in the room because it's closer! Your father and I are less resilient. We even take lunch breaks, I'm sorry to say it." She chides herself.
"Yes and what a fine time for us to have been off munching fish sticks when our baby girl was finally waking up!" Dad shakes his head and comes over beside Mom.
"Hey, you couldn't have known, guys, so knock it off, okay?" I smile reassuringly.
"Okay." Mom nods. "So, did Jonathan fill you in on your condition, or would you rather not talk about it?"
"Well, I think we have to talk about it because if I'm coming home, it's going to affect all of you, unfortunately. And I know the doctors will want to talk to me too."
"Yes, they've been kind enough to grant us a bit of family time before they come in here to poke and prod you. And don't say it's unfortunate! We'll be thrilled when you're well enough to come home. Although it'll be at least a few more days I'm afraid." Mom sighs.
"I imagine I'll be in a wheelchair, at least at first?" I ask.
"Yes and we're buying you the best one that money can buy, so don't worry about that. And you'll have the best physiotherapist also." She smiles. My Mom knows me well enough to know that my recovery will be my top priority.
"And I'm having a temporary ramp installed at the house for you." Dad says. "It should be in by the time you're home."
"Okay and what about my cast, when do they take it off?" I ask.
"Just in time for prom, Baby, that was the real question behind that question, wasn't it?" Jon laughs.
"Ugh, am I that transparent?" I ask. "Look, I get that the wheelchair is inevitable, but it'd be nice if I could at least look decent from the waist up in pictures, right?" I pout.
"Yes, you are a sixteen year old girl, Clary, no one is going to fault you for wanting that small consolation!" Mom smiles and nods and now, finally the doctor knocks at the door.
"Clarissa? Hi, I'm Doctor Kyle, but you can call me Jordan. I was the surgeon who performed your spinal surgery. May I come have a chat with you and your family?" I nod and he pulls up a chair beside the bed.
"Alright, well I assume your family has filled you in a bit, but it's my job to make sure you know exactly what you've been through as well as where we go from here, okay?" I nod again. He describes the surgery in both medical and layman's terms for us and assures me that it went very well. He says my outlook is good for a potential full recovery of the use of my legs, since I'm young and that the cord wasn't fully severed, but that it may take years to get there completely. He also says that while I could regain range of motion, I potentially may not regain all of my sensation. He asks me what areas I can currently feel.
"I feel basically everything above my belly button." I say.
"Okay, that's good. What about when I do this" he asks and drums on my legs in different areas. I can feel a bit around the tips of my toes and when I tell him that, he says it's a very good sign.
"So because you do have a bit of sensation, you are likely to regain more of it." He says.
"Now I have some brochures I will give you about the recovery process as well as living with paralysis. Surprisingly, the part most of my patients find the hardest to handle isn't being confined to a wheelchair, it's the loss of sensation. You'll be surprised, I think how much we take things like that for granted until they are gone."
Speaking of that, I just had a sinking sensation. "Doctor, may I ask a personal question in regards to that?" He nods for me to continue. "If I don't have any sensation below my belly button, surely that doesn't include, umm, any personal areas, right? I mean, that is a separate system, isn't it?"
"That's a perfectly valid question, however, I'm sorry Clary, I don't think you're going to like my answer. While the reproductive system is its own separate system as it pertains to some aspects, in others such as feelings of arousal and pleasure zones, it relies heavily on the nervous system. So no, Clarissa, I'm sorry to tell you that you probably won't experience any of that type of sensation either.
"Oh God!" I cry. As my hand flies over my mouth and it takes everything I have for my eyes not to dart directly to Jonathan. As tears stream down my cheeks the doctor looks at me with concern.
"Clarissa had sex for the first time shortly before this happened, that's why she's so upset, it's simply bad timing." Mom whispers in explanation to the doctor.
"Clarissa, look at me for a second?" Doctor Jordan asks patiently. "If you'd like, I can give you pamphlets pertaining to that as well? And it pays to remember it is only your sense of touch that is affected here. You have four other senses that will overcompensate for the lack thereof. And I'm sure if you're in a good relationship, the young man will be able to be understanding and that should help matters. Although I haven't seen him here with you, which makes me question his judgement." He says the last part under his breath but Jonathan and I catch it.
"Oh, that's actually my fault. He and I don't see eye to eye." Jonathan covers.
"Well, if it were me, I wouldn't let something like that stop me from seeing my girlfriend at a time like this, so I hope whoever he is, he is treating you well Clarissa?" Dr. Jordan asks.
"Oh yes, very well. It's just hard for him, that's all." I smile, trying to sound convincing.
Jonathan chimes in. "I think he also blames himself for Clary's accident. She was talking to him at the time when she fell and he feels like he probably distracted her."
"It wasn't his fault though! Jonathan, you know that, right? You don't really blame... him do you?" I ask, almost forgetting to speak about Jonathan in the third person.
"No, not really, I guess. It's just that, well maybe I'm just projecting because I was right there and I couldn't catch you myself and so I guess maybe I just feel personally responsible if you want the truth." He sighs.
"Oh Jon! Come here!" I cry, hugging him tightly with my one good arm despite the pain. It isn't your fault Jon! It isn't your fault!"
"I guess I know that. I'm still so sorry Clary. I'm so sorry Baby!" He croons holding me with his face turned into my hair to hide his own tears.