Unfamiliar Territory, Unimaginable Relief, Unwritten Rules
Unfamiliar Territory
When we got Adele home from the hospital, things were hard. There were times I didn't know what she needed. There were also times when the chair became a bit of an issue, although there were also times the chair made things easier. But the most frustrating times, were the times when Jace knew what she needed and I didn't. And even worse were the times that he could calm her down and I couldn't. It was so stressful to know there were things I needed his help with.
I shouldn't need his help. I'm supposed to be doing this as a single mom until Jon is back in the picture. I mean, how do all the other single moms in the world do this? Oh yeah, they have a support system of some sort. Which for me I guess, for right now, is Jace. So I suppose I just have to concede the point and let him help me.
A couple of weeks after Adele's birth, she is taking a particularly long nap and so Jace asks me to play Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories with him. We play for a couple of hours and eventually the sound of a little cry from the other room breaks into our consciousness. And at first I wonder what the sound is and I think to myself that it sounds like a baby. Then I realize it is a baby. And then, with a sinking feeling that is equal parts joy and fear, I remember that it is my baby. Oh boy, that's right. I'm a mom now.
I look at Jace and he looks at me and I realize that for a moment in time, we both forgot. Forgot about the baby. Forgot about the responsibility lying in the next room and as the crying intensifies, we both snap out of it and at the exact same time say "I'll get her." He steps back and lets me go and then it's back to business as usual. I calm the baby down and I sing her a lullaby and she goes back to sleep because, well that's what newborns do.
"Want to play some more?" Jace asks when I come back in.
"No, I don't think I better. It's too easy to zone out." I sigh.
"Yeah, yeah your right." He says."Want to go get me a cold pop?"
"Psh! Ain't nobody got time for that!" I giggle. And just like that the tension is gone.
Unimaginable Relief
So eventually it was time for the dreaded six week check when they would tell me how healthy I and my baby are. This is the appointment I've been most worried about. At all the other check-ups they've been looking at the basics, but this would be a full exam for both Adele and I, and they will let me know if they think there is anything wrong with her.
I'm petrified that they will find something and I can't help dwelling on it. Jace keeps trying to distract me with other things like video games and we even picked up a Foosball table to play when Adele is napping. It has helped a bit but I still can't stop worrying.
On the bright side, my recovery is going like gangbusters! I've been doing so well that they want me to start attempting to stand under my own power in a couple of months! It's wonderful to be making such good progress and I am glad that there is at least one part of my life that I don't have to worry about.
"What's up Buttercup?" Jace asks me one day.
"Just stressin' that's all." I sigh.
"Don't worry Sweety, you and Adele are gonna do fine. Look at her, Clary! She's healthy. You know she is!" He says, trying his best to reassure me.
"Yeah, I mean logically you're probably right, but that doesn't help me on the emotional front. It's one thing to know that I have no reason to worry. It's another thing entirely to be able to stop worrying, Jace." I sigh.
"Would a back rub help?" He asks, tentatively.
I sigh. Even though that sounds really good right now, and I know he's asking as a friend, it's already weird with us living together and Jon not knowing about it, a back rub would seem too much like cheating to me.
"Thanks anyway, Jace but we better not." I say, defeatedly.
"Yeah, I guess you're right." He says and drops the subject.
When the fateful day of the dreaded Dr.'s appointment finally comes, I clutch Adele nervously in my lap, holding her like a lifeline as Jace gets the doors for us into the building. When we get out of the elevator on the appropriate floor, I send up a little prayer that the news will be good news.
"Hi we're here for Clarissa Morgenstern's appointment please." Jace tells the reception desk as I wheel Adele and I into the waiting area.
"Thank you, you may take a seat, the Dr. should be out to collect mom and baby in a minute." The perky blonde receptionist says. "Are you the proud Daddy?" She asks, although I personally don't understand how that's any of her business. Yet Jace puts on his million dollar smile to answer her nosy ass anyway.
"No, I'm just Miss Morgenstern's Personal Assistant." He says with a smile, obviously proud of his role in our lives.
"Oh, well in that case, can I give you my number?" She asks, popping her gum obnoxiously and batting her obviously fake eyelashes at him.
"Sure thing Doll." He smirks, taking the offered slip of paper when she hands it to him. "Thanks." He smiles into her blue eyes.
"Don't thank me til you call it!" She winks playfully. To which I almost lose my lunch. I don't know why their little interaction bothers me. I'm with Jon, not Jace. What right do I have to be jealous?
It must just be because he lives with me and the idea of him bringing a bimbo like that into my home where my daughter lives is a highly disturbing prospect. Yeah, that's gotta be it.
"Well Clary, it looks like everything checks out." Dr. Pontmercy said. "You and Adele are both in perfect health, aside from your SCI of course, and your progress has been great with that. I think it's safe to book your next check-up around Adele's four month mark. You can book it at the front desk on your way out and we shall see you then." He smiles.
I practically jump for joy as I gather up all of our belongings and get us both ready to leave. "Did you hear that Sweety, you and Mama are doing just fine!" I coo. Adele just looks at me with her big bright eyes and makes little noises. "I know, I know, let's get outta here. Jace is waiting and Mama wants to go for Sundaes to celebrate. As soon as Jace sees us he stands, looking anxious to hear how it went. I nod, that everything's okay.
He looks visibly relieved and comes to stand with us while I book our next appointment. "So, clean bill of health?" He asks hopefully as we make our way to the elevator.
"Yep, for both of us, Jace! The Dr. said my baby girl is just fine!" I say, my eyes welling up with tears.
"Thank God!" He grins. And as we all make our way into the elevator, I think how right he is. Thank God!
Unwritten Rules
In the days, weeks and even months that pass, Jace is an amazing help to me. With my recovery and daily aid as well as with Adele, but a huge part of how he helps me, is knowing when not to help. He understands his role so well. He never oversteps. He is there when I need him, yet he makes himself scarce when I don't. He is never needy or clingy. It's almost as if he doesn't have personal needs of his own. I know that's ridiculous, but sometimes it feels that way.
One day, when we were preparing for Adele's first birthday, which was to be a quiet celebration at home, followed by a trip to the park with Adele's baby group and the other mothers, I ask him why that is. "Jace, you seem like you never need anything and you never take personal time or days off or anything and you're never sick. I just don't get it. How is that? Are you like a cyborg or something?" I smile, in awe of his dedication.
"Boot Camp." He states. "I spent several years in Boot Camp. There is no down time. When they say jump you say how high? When then say wake up there is no snooze button. And there are definitely no sick days and no feeling sorry for yourself. They tell you what needs to be done and then you do it. Immediately, with no questions asked. There are a gazillion unwritten rules that you are expected to follow and if you don't, the punishment is severe. So you might say I was trained to be always on. Always, alert. Always ready to work, always prepared. Yeah, I owe it all to Boot Camp." He grins.
"Wow, I could never handle that! I suck at following orders and I need my beauty rest. Plus I'll bet they didn't give you any ice cream. I'd be completely lost without ice cream!" I laugh.
"Really? I hadn't guessed any of that about you!" He winks. "Frankly, I'm surprised!" He teases.
"Yeah, yeah, smarty pants!" I pout. "I do okay!" I assure him.
"You sure do, Clary. You sure do." He smiles in all sincerity. And we go back to planning the menu and shopping lists.
As I think about what he said, I realize that I owe it all to Boot Camp too. Because I have no idea how I would have managed any of this without Jace.