Disclaimer: Castle and the recognizable characters are property of the folks at ABC and their creators who make a lot more money than I do. This is for pure entertainment purposes.

Thank you all once again for reading, reviewing, following or taking any sort of interest in this story. I really appreciate it. Here is Chapter 4, enjoy.

Chapter 4: The Awful Truth

"Excuse me, I need to know what's going on with Detective Javier Esposito."

We haven't been at the hospital for more than two minutes before I'm at the receptionist's desk, demanding to know what is happening with my partner. If there hadn't been a woman in front of me asking about her husband, it wouldn't have taken that long.

The receptionist, "Cindy" according to her nametag, looks up at me before going back to her computer. "I'm sorry Sir, who are you?"

"I'm Detective Kevin Ryan. Detective Esposito is my partner." I flash my badge at her. It's very rare that I use my badge for any sort of personal favor like this, but these are rare circumstances.

The badge doesn't seem to impress Cindy too much. She glances back down at her computer and types something quickly. "I'm sorry Detective but all I can tell you is that Detective Esposito is in surgery. Please have a seat and one of our doctors will come talk to you when they have more information."

I slam my hand on her counter, startling her and everyone else around in the area. "That's not good enough! I need to know what's going on with Javi!"

"Detective please relax." She says in a calm voice that only makes me more infuriated.

Before I can really start to yell at her a gentle hand is placed on my shoulder. It's Beckett.

"Come on Kevin."

I open my mouth to argue with Beckett, but can't seem to find the strength to do so. Wearily, I let her lead me back to the seats that she and Castle had claimed. The writer has disappeared somewhere, I assume to make a phone call.

Speaking of phone calls, I have several very important, very unpleasant ones that I have to make.

"Hey Beckett…

"Hmm?"

"Did…did you tell Lanie?" I ask her timidly, unsure of whether or not I will have to shoulder that particular burden as well.

"Yeah I called her, she's on her way over."

A not insignificant part of my anxieties disappear after hearing that news. I dread thinking about what Lanie is going through right now; whatever their official relationship status, they love each other in their own way. And I will always be grateful to Kate for relieving me of the duty of having to call Lanie.

Even with Beckett having talked to Lanie, there are still two people who I need to call. I get up from my seat and head over to the window to get decent cell reception. Having found a quiet spot, I dial the phone number and brace myself for the conversation to come.

After three rings the other line picks up.

"I'm still mad at you."

"Jenny…"

Instantly her tone changes. "What's wrong?"

"It's Javi; he was shot at a crime scene."

"Oh God, I'm so sorry Kev. Are you at the hospital?"

"Yes, no news yet."

"Stay as long as it takes. I'm sorry Kev."

"Thanks honey, I'll let you know. I love you."

"I love you too."

After finishing my call with Jenny, I make the other phone call. If at all possible, that conversation is even worse. Listening to them cry and ask about Javi makes my stomach turn. They promise they'll stop by when they get the time. With both of those phone calls taken care of, I go back to our seats. Castle has returned with two coffees in hand. He hands me one of the cups, which I reluctantly take. Neither Beckett nor Castle try to talk with me. They must think I'm off in my own world, but that's not true. That would imply that I'm off thinking about something but I'm not. All I can do is stare into the cup of coffee; I haven't even tried to mentally process what happened; if possible, I'm going to put that off as long as I can.

After some interminable time a doctor comes into the waiting room and heads over to us. He doesn't look overly concerned with what's going on, but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"Are you all here for Javier Esposito?"

The three of us stand up, and I brace myself for what's to come.

"Yes that's us. What's going on?"

"You yelled at our receptionist." He scolds me. "So I was ordered to come out here." He looks like he would rather be getting a tooth pulled than be out here talking to us. "Like our receptionist said, your friend is in surgery right now. Our surgeons have been assessing the damage done by the bullet and are in the process of removing it. We'll know more once we're done. I'm sorry I don't have more to tell you." There is an enraging lack of concern in his voice.

"So you came out here to tell us nothing?" I snarl, my patience having long since gone.

The doctor gives me a disdainful look. "Would you rather I not come out at all?"

"I'd rather you do your job." The acid is practically dripping off of my tongue.

He is not intimidated by my threatening voice. "You must be his partner. Well, my colleagues are doing their job but it looks like you didn't do yours." He tells me haughtily before leaving.

Beckett goes after the doctor to give him a piece of her mind. "How dare you talk to him like that?!"

Castle stays, hovering close to me, anticipating that I would lunge after the doctor. Instead, I collapse back into my seat. I feel like the doctor punched me in the gut; in fact, it would hurt less if he actually had punched me. I can't go after him, because he's absolutely right. Everything I had been trying to ignore starts coming to the forefront. I didn't do my job and that's why Javi is in surgery. I failed. This is all my fault. I could have prevented this…

The awfulness of it all makes me sick. Without a word, I get up from my seat and race towards the bathroom. I'm barely able to make it to an empty toilet before expelling the contents of my stomach.

Kneeling on the cold bathroom floor, propped up against the toilet, dry heaving as my stomach is emptied, I'm the epitome of misery. I stay in this position, unable to get up and confront what's going on outside. Because outside these doors is the ugly, undeniable truth; Javier is in surgery because of me and my mistakes. He took a bullet for me, after I said all of those awful things to him. The thought makes my stomach retch. My self-loathing is off the chart right now.

What if he doesn't…I can't even say it. Even if he does pull through, how can he ever trust me to be his partner? Over some simple, stupid words, I was blind to the danger I put both of us in. This is all my fault. How can I ever look him in the eye again?

I let my best friend get shot. I let Javi get shot.

Whatever was remaining in my stomach comes up into the toilet.

Initially, Castle doesn't follow Ryan into the bathroom; he's too busy watching Beckett read that pompous ass of a doctor the riot act. By the end of it the doctor was at least chastened enough to look embarrassed.

It isn't long afterwards that Lanie arrives in the waiting room. She immediately comes over to them. Beckett wastes no time in embracing Lanie, comforting her best friend. Castle notices her puffy eyes, leading him to conclude that she had already she her tears over hearing the news. This is confirmed in his mind when she doesn't cry while hugging Beckett.

After she's taken all the comfort she can, Lanie breaks off the hug. Beckett quickly updates Lanie on the situation, including their horrible encounter with the doctor. Lanie doesn't say a word, she just listens carefully.

"Do you remember that doctor's name?" She asks.

"I think it was Dr. Sanchez."

"I'll take care of him; I have some friends at this hospital. He's never going near us, or Javi, again." Lanie's voice catches on saying Esposito's name. Without a word, Beckett wraps her arm around Lanie again, and the ME clearly looks appreciative at her best friend's comfort. At the same time, Lanie continues to scan the reception area, looking for something.

"Where's Kevin?"

"I think he went to the bathroom." Castle replies. Glancing at his watch, Castle realizes that Ryan has been in the bathroom for a long time. "I'm going to get him."

The two women nod and Castle heads back to the bathroom.

"Kev?"

For a brief delusional moment I thought it was Javi, coming in to tell me that all of this was a terrible dream and everything is back to normal. That he was unhurt and had forgiven me and to ask if we could go grab drinks tonight after work. He'd gently mock me for losing my lunch, call me a wuss, and then help me up and act as if nothing happened. Because that's the type of person my partner is. I wanted so much for him to be the one coming in that it physically hurts.

"Kev, where are you?"

Of course it wasn't him. And you know why it isn't him I bitterly tell myself. The voice belongs not to Javi, but to Castle. The heavy sounds of his feet hitting the tile echo louder as he gets closer to the stall where I'm at.

"In here." I tell him in a ragged voice. I feel Castle's presence as he comes into the stall and squats down beside me.

"You doing alright?" He asks with some trepidation.

"No." Earlier in the day, I would've snapped at him for asking that question. Of course I'm not alright; my partner got shot, is lying in this wretched hospital and it's my fault. But now, knowing that Javi is stuck somewhere between life and death, I have no right to yell at Castle or anyone else. Hell, they should be the ones yelling at me for my stupidity and arrogance.

"Come on, you're going to catch a cold if you stay here much longer." He reaches out and grabs my hand and helps me stand up. The author waits patiently as I catch my breath and regain my footing. I try to make my way out of the bathroom, but Castle stops me.

"Look at me." He puts his hands on both my shoulders, forcing me to look him in the eyes. I can think of only one or two other times that I've ever seen Castle this serious.

"This is not your fault Kevin. You understand that right? This is not your fault."

"Yes it is." I mumble. "I yelled at him. I didn't have his back. This is my fault."

"No it's not. You couldn't possibly have known…"

"He asked me if I heard something!" I cut Castle off midsentence. "He heard something and I…I ignored it. I thought he was bullshitting me! If I had paid attention, I could have heard it too and seen the gunman! I could've stopped him!"

Castle doesn't say anything so I keep going. "The gunman…he was aiming for me and Javi…he pushed me to the ground and caught the bullet meant for me! He took a bullet for me!" My voice catches as the horrible truth comes out. "He was shot because I failed him. He…he…"

I don't fight it as the tears start coming out of my eyes. Instinctively, Castle wraps his arms around me in a hug and I start crying into his shoulder.

"He might die because of me…" I choke out as Castle tightens his hold around me, like a father would trying to comfort his scared child.

"It's alright Kevin, it's alright. He'll make it. He's strong." Castle tells me soothingly, trying to calm my fears. He makes a valiant effort, but it is unsuccessful, since the truth, the brutal, miserable truth keeps staring me in the face. I sob into Castle's shoulder.

"It should've been me…"

Good? Not so good? Either way, if you have an opinion or comment about this story, I'd love to hear it. Chapter 5 is in the works. Stay tuned!