The consequences begin …

February 2018

Charles

He had heard them chatting in the ops room about some replacement medic who was due to arrive later that day and he had failed to make any connection at all until his radar had picked up her name.

"Still, it's a shame about Dawes, she's a bloody good medic even if she is sodding careless, anyway her replacement should be up and running by tomorrow so there won't be a problem with the rotas" He heard her name and his usual eavesdropping kicked in with a mounting sense of horror, had she made some ghastly mistake? Surely he would have been told if that was the case?

"Silly cow! Did you believe all that bleeding bullshit about it happening before we came over here or is she hiding something? She's a bloody good looking girl, so if it was someone from here they got bleeding lucky!"

"I think she said she was going to have a termination so it don't make much difference does it? and I've never seen her with anyone."

"Hey, we could always use her as a dire warning for the others, there are one or two who could probably use it! It may be just as well she's gone home quickly.

They both sniggered as they left the room and he stood motionless and staring into space, absolutely horrified. He hadn't seen her to speak to since that night and she had made no attempt to speak to him, so he had assumed, with distinct relief, that they had dodged the bullet and were deliberately and successfully avoiding one another. How wrong could he be? She'd gone, GONE and without telling him, again! He was suddenly incredibly and illogically blisteringly angry with her that she had taken that bullet to protect him, and then left without telling him, again! She'd done it again, she'd pissed off without saying goodbye, and he hated her for it.

The rest of the tour stretched out in front of him and he knew that it was for the best that she had gone home, he could concentrate on doing the best job he could, and that he should be grateful to her, the consequences for him would have been catastrophic if she had been honest with people, but he wasn't, he wanted to yell at her, shake her till her teeth rattled, he was bereft. The problem was that he knew he loved her, he had always loved her, never stopped even when things were at their worst and seeing her again had made everything so much more difficult. Some corner of his heart had never quite caught up with his brain and he acknowledged for the first time that he had had a very faint hope that they could re-establish some sort of friendship by the end of this tour but he knew that he'd wrecked that forever on New Year's Eve. He shouldn't have gone to bed with her and he definitely shouldn't have parted from her on such bad terms. He knew she didn't love him so he was now unlikely to see her ever again, she would never forgive him for having to have an abortion, unlike a lot of blokes he didn't think it was a no big deal, and she was coping with it on her own. He couldn't see her asking for help from anyone, it wasn't her style.

Molly

I've said it before and I'll say it again, when I stuff up, I really stuff up big time!

I didn't want a baby, I don't want one. I am still too young, I want to go out and have fun, I want to be able to drink too much, have a laugh with my mates, go out on the 'pull', and carry on with my career which I am good at, not get fat and have a baby, all on my own!

I knew I was in trouble straight away. I couldn't sleep so I checked my diary and felt the first bit of panic. I couldn't have picked a worse night, or better depending on what you want, to hop into bed with someone without taking precautions. What was I thinking of? I knew I was pregnant when my period failed to show up, but I told myself it was the worry and panic, and the fact that my boobs were tingly and itchy was imagination and I only faced facts when I sat up one morning and had the sudden urge to puke. So I had to deal with it and I have never told so many lies in my life and I don't know why I bothered cos I don't think any of them believed a word I said anyway.

So I got to go home and I spent the last few days before I left there praying I wouldn't see him and that he wouldn't find out until I'd gone so I breathed a sigh of relief when I got on the plane, then cried all the way home. I used to imagine I would have a baby with him when we were 'waiting out' in Afghan, well obviously after we stopped 'waiting out,' I ain't the Virgin Mary, but it was just a daydream during when I adored him, it wasn't real. This is real. I have just been to the M.O. and I look and feel like shit! I look like I died in the night cos I am so pale with dark circles under my eyes from puking. They call it morning sickness, but I have got morning sickness followed by being queasy all day, followed by evening sickness, which is not a load of fun. I can't bear the smell of coffee or the taste of tea and all I can eat is onion soup, makes me think of Shazza so I don't fancy that either, and I'm so tired I could curl up and go to sleep right now on the pavement. I keep having to pee and my tits are so itchy and swollen that all my bras strangle me, so I can't wait to take them off when I get home. On top of feeling like something the cat dragged in, I keep having to defend myself all the time from people, and that includes Mum, who keep telling me that there is no shame in having an abortion and it is probably the best way to go, even the MO was at it this afternoon, 'talking me through my options'. I just wanna scream at everyone that I am not killing this baby, it is just plain wrong! We might not love each other anymore, but that ain't the baby's fault and I wanna put my hand on my stomach and tell her that I am going to keep her safe. It feels a bit like wanting to keep her dad safe in Afghan. And this ain't his fault neither, I could have stopped it at any time but I didn't want to, I've always fancied him, but that ain't love. The hardest thing is not being able to tell anyone who her dad is and everyone keeps asking, oh, and all the lies, and I'm a shit liar!

For the time being I am on sick leave, can't have Lance Corporals puking on the parade ground, it's bad for discipline apparently, but I will get maternity uniforms issued when I go back, bet they're glamorous! Got to go and buy some bras that fit, bet they're glamorous too, has anyone seen the hammock shop?

I have no idea what I am gonna do after she's born, I keep telling myself that she's definitely a girl cos that's what I want, I don't think I could cope with a little boy who looks like him. I'm gonna have to find childcare and that, and I won't be able to go on active service, unless it's in Croydon or somewhere equally handy, so in the meantime I am going to live with Nan which'll be okay….I hope.

I wonder if he knows about it all? Bound to by now I s'pose, I bet he's really pissed at me this time! I hope he's keeping his bleeding mitts off Izzy or rather that she's keeping her mitts off him!

Authors notes: Told you I'd written loads of this! Thanks for your reviews and to those of you who are worried about their future, please trust me!

I