Disclaimer: I don't own any of the character's except Stroper, dang it!

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Where Do I Go From Here?

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Chap. 15 Breakdown or Breakthrough

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Draco had just started towards the table that sat against the far wall in Snape's quarters, still somewhat irritated from the recent confrontation, when he first heard it. And again, a few seconds later. It was a dull thudding noise, and it seemed to be coming from Potter's room. At first, he tried to ignore the muffled pounding, but it quickly drew his full attention when it was accompanied by a wail of agony that seemed to carry itself throughout the room before dissolving into deep, painful sounding sobs.

Alarmed, Draco dropped his school bag directly onto the floor and paced over to Harry's door, but hesitated as he reached for the doorknob. Not sure whether he wanted to get that involved in whatever was going on behind that door, Draco debated with himself for mere seconds before finally just taking a deep breath and twisting the knob, allowing the door to swing open with a small push.

Seeing the other boy laying on the floor as he was, shocked Draco upon first sight of him and the blond nearly stumbled back in surprise. Catching himself in time before he bumped into the doorway, Draco took another deep breath and spoke up.

"Potter?"

When that failed to get any response from the other teen, Draco tried again, not even realizing it when he called him by his first name.

"Harry, are you alright? Do you need Severus?"

Still, Harry remained unresponsive to Draco's queries. He continued to lie where he had fallen, crying loudly into one of the tear-sodden sleeves of his school robe, his face hidden from Draco's view by the way he had wrapped his arms about his head. Seeing the spots of blood on the wall, Draco searched out the source of it and his eyes widened when they fell upon Harry's hand.

Truly worried now, Draco decided that the best course of action would be to get some help. Before leaving Snape's quarters, Draco stayed long enough to tell the other teen, "I'll be right back. I'm going to find Severus."

Whether Harry heard him or not, Draco didn't know, for Harry still did not acknowledge him. Pausing not a moment more, Draco rushed out the main entrance and into the corridor beyond, determined to find Professor Snape as quickly as he could. Never before had Draco felt as unnerved as he did now, being witness to such a display of raw pain. With a shiver that had nothing to due with the chill of the dungeons, Draco turned the corner and headed straight for his Godfather's classroom.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Professor Snape was gathering the last few rolled parchments from the desk in his Potions classroom, intending to grade the essays in his quarters that evening, when he heard the echoing sound of footsteps hurrying down the corridor, coming increasingly closer with every second that ticked by. His first thought was that it was some First Year student in a rush to get to somewhere, most likely the Great Hall since it was nearly time for the evening meal. He still had a few newly sorted Slytherins that had to be occasionally reminded about showing the decorum that a member of the House of Slytherin should show at all times.

With a sigh, he waited for the errant student to pass so he could dole out the proper admonishment, but to his surprise, he saw Draco come skidding to a halt, nearly passing right by the door in his haste. Draco had yet to speak, but Severus knew instantly that something was wrong from the look on Draco's face.

"What has happened, Draco?"

Still panting, Draco tried to explain as best he could between hastily drawn breaths of air. "Harry's in his room…I heard a thumping noise and crying…I checked on him…He was on the floor…I saw blood on the wall and on his hand."

Severus quickly dropped the scrolls in an untidy pile onto his desk, not caring when several fell off, scattering across the floor, some even rolling underneath the desk and out of sight. Leaving the parchments there, he paced over to where Draco was standing, still slightly bent forward, trying to catch his breath. Grabbing the boy by his elbow, Severus guided him through a side door located near the back of the classroom which led into his office.

As he grabbed an old, battered looking black jar off the mantle of the fireplace in his office and reached inside to pull out a handful of Floo powder, Severus couldn't help but to silently curse the shortcomings in the monitoring spell he had used on Harry that first day he had come to his quarters. The spell itself was highly sensitive, letting the caster know immediately if the subject came to any physical harm. Its only limitation was distance. Unfortunately, the spell would not work properly unless both the caster and the subject are within a certain proximity to each other.

At the time he had cast that particular spell, Severus knew that it would be a rarity for the child to be in his quarters when he, himself, was not. Of course, Severus thought, it is Potter, after all. Trust him to find a way around all the safeguards I put in place.

Assuming Harry had cut himself again, Severus instructed Draco to gather a few specific potions from the private stores kept in the back of his office, and to Floo in after he had gathered them all. Then, he threw in the powder he still had cupped in has hand and Floo-ed into his quarters.

As soon as he stepped out of the fireplace, the monitoring spell sent a flare of phantom pain into his hand and he could hear the agonized sobbing coming from Harry's room. With swift steps, he made his way over to the partially closed door and cautiously swung it fully open, not sure what he would find. As the door revealed more of the room, the blood splattered wall immediately took his full attention. Most of it had dried by now, except for a few places where it had been thicker and had actually left small red trails behind as gravity carried a few drops of blood towards the floor where they joined the drops already there, leading over to where Harry still lay.

With one deft wand movement, the wall and floor were clean again, and Severus made his way further into the room. He stooped down to the floor, getting a closer look at Harry's bloody hand as he did so, and then spoke in as soft, calm voice.

"Harry."

But as before, when Draco had addressed him, Harry remained unresponsive; even when Severus tried a further two times to gain his attention. Seeing nothing else for it, he reached out to scoop the child off the floor, but as soon as he started to lift Harry's slight weight up, the boy twisted around and clutched at the front of Severus' robes, burying his face into the soft folds of fabric, either not knowing or not caring who this person was, just urgently needing some form of comfort.

Momentarily taken aback, Severus froze, but a second later he repositioned his arms and then lifted Harry up and made his way over to the child's bed. He laid him down, but as he tried to stand back up, Harry clung even tighter to the fistful of fabric he had in his uninjured hand, refusing to allow Severus to move away from his side.

With a soft sigh, Severus sat on the bed and allowed the teen to cry. He knew it had to happen at some point, this breakdown he was bearing witness to. Severus had known there would eventually have to be some outlet for the boy's feelings; especially with the way Harry kept everything bottled up, refusing to deal with his emotions in a healthy manner. Even so, it still felt awkward to be the one the child was clinging so desperately to now.

Placing his arm around the frail shoulders that continued to heave with every sobbing breath the boy took, he patted him on the back in what he considered to be a comforting gesture, hoping he was handling the situation correctly since was not used to showing any emotion in a physical way, especially empathy. Yes, students had come to him for advice; yes, he has had to calm a child every so often, but never in this form, never through physical action rather than words, and he felt at a loss as to what to do other than to let Harry decide what to do next.

The rustling sound at Harry's door indicated that Draco had finally returned, and Severus pivoted around as far as he could in order to address the teen. Speaking in a soft voice in an effort to keep Harry from noticing that the other boy was in the room, he said, "Leave them on the top of his trunk."

Without uttering any kind of reply, Draco swiftly and quietly did as he was told, eager to remove himself from the room. Setting the sealed potion vials down, he spared one last glance at the pair from over his shoulder before making his retreat.

Alone once again, Severus tried to lean Harry's face away from his robes long enough to get a Calming potion into him, but Harry refused to cooperate. Remembering that Harry's defenses were usually down whenever he became overly distraught, Severus decided that now was as good a time as any to try to get the teen to talk to him about some of the things that were troubling him. Speaking softly, he began to question him.

"Harry, can you tell me how you're feeling right now."

He knew the boy had heard him because there was a momentary pause in the child's breathing and the crying died down some, but after several seconds without a reply, he had just started to take in a breath to ask again when a soft, tremulous voice answered, and he caught himself leaning in ever so slightly to properly hear it.

"I don't know."

Pulling away slightly, he decided he would need to guide the conversation in the right direction. Glancing again at the bloody hand, Severus asked, "Are you sad, scared, or perhaps angry? Maybe lonely…or frustrated?" He paused, and was about to suggest a few other things, but Harry's soft voice broke through.

"Yes."

Confused, Severus tried to get him to clarify his answer. "Yes? Can you tell me which-"

He was cut off from saying further when Harry replied, "All of it. I feel all of it." He clutched tighter to Severus' robe front now and began crying again, the short reprieve seemingly broken by his confession.

This time, Severus did not have to question further for answers. It was as if acknowledging the way he felt had allowed an internal flood gate to open, and Harry's voice broke through his sobs in broken sentences that were difficult to understand with the overwhelming emotions he was experiencing and the occasional sob that he couldn't suppress.

"They did it…the Dursleys…I tried so hard…but they hate me…everyone will know…they'll all hate me…"

Harry couldn't seem to control himself any longer. Years' worth of suppressed emotions pushed their way out of him as he cried all over his Potions professor, practically in the man's lap. But Harry didn't care; it was as if, now that he got started, he just couldn't seem to make himself stop. And even as upset as he was, the more he said, the better he felt. He pushed on, not wanting to stop until he had let it all out.

"…everyone expects me to be something I'm not…always pushing, pushing, pushing…don't know what to do…I want it to end…please…make it end."

No longer able to control his crying any longer, Harry gave up attempting to say any more, and allowed himself to just be held. And he didn't care that it was his Potions professor he was holding onto, his arms now around the man's neck, and he didn't care that Draco was in the other room and could probably hear every word he said. All he knew was that it felt amazingly freeing to put some the burdens of his emotions onto someone else, a someone else who actually seemed to care; for what other reason would he allow Harry to cling to him as he was; why else would he have even bothered to ask him something no other adult had ever cared to know, or to sit there silently as Harry cried, never once trying to tell him he had to be brave, or strong, or mature, just allowing him to be.

Finally calming, Harry slid his arms into his lap, wincing slightly as his injured left hand brushed against the fabric of Severus' high collared robes. Catching the action, Severus gently grasped the wrist before Harry could pull if further from his reach, and with a voice he intentionally made as soft as he could to keep things calm now that the commotion had died down, he said, "I need to check your hand, Harry. I need to make sure you didn't break anything."

Harry silently nodded to show his understanding and he turned his head away as Severus pulled out his wand. He felt the man prod the flesh around his knuckles a couple of times before a warming sensation swept over his skin and he turned back around in time to see the torn flesh close around his still swollen knuckles.

Reaching over to the trunk, Severus grabbed the small jar of healing balm that Draco had brought in earlier and proceeded to smooth a glob of the orange colored paste over the swollen spots. With a sigh, Harry could feel the throbbing lessen, and he turned away again as his hand was released from the Potion Master's grip.

Harry could hear the clink of the small vials as they rolled against each other as Severus sat the balm back on the trunk, but a moment later, the man got his attention, and when Harry turned back to face him once more, he saw several of the vials being held out to him. Knowing what Severus wanted of him, Harry took the vials without having to be asked and swallowed the contents of each without question.

Severus was slightly unnerved by this new complacency that Harry seemed to be under, but decided not to question it. He retrieved each vial as it was emptied and sat them back on the trunk. He didn't have to wait long for the final potion to take affect, and Harry fell asleep still leaning somewhat on his professor.

Shifting the child's weight over to the center of the bed, Severus stood up with a weary sigh and paused for a second before stooping over the sleeping form and removing Harry's shoes, which he placed on the floor at the foot of Harry's bed. Looking across the bed, and then the floor, Severus located the glasses that had apparently fallen off Harry's face earlier that evening. Those, too, were picked up and then deposited on the top of the trunk. The last thing he did before leaving was to pull the covers over the boy and then dim the lights.

As he left the newly darkened room, his mind was heavy with thoughts of all the things Harry had revealed to him that evening. It was the breakthrough Severus had hoped for, but certainly not in the way he had wished for it to happen. Yes, there would be much to talk to the boy about the following day. Thank Merlin tomorrow was Saturday! Severus shut the door as he left, and then he went in search of Draco. He knew his Godson well enough to know that he would likely be upset by the events of the evening, and the last thing he wanted was for Draco to relapse into cutting again.

Severus finally found Draco curled up on the loveseat, a book perched open on his lap, but he seemed to be solely focused on the crackling embers in the fireplace with a faraway look in his eyes.

"Draco."

The boy jumped a little when he was startled out of his thoughts by the sudden noise.

"Oh, Severus,…is he…uh, is he alright?" Draco felt out of place inquiring about Harry Potter's well being, but what he had seen, and especially what he had heard, greatly affected his view of the Boy-Who-Lived. He wasn't sure he would be able to look at the other boy ever again without remembering it all. He had been so sure that Potter had grown up surrounded by adoring fans that would cater to his every whim. Not like Draco, himself, who, despite popular belief, was very much ignored by his parents and had seldom seen affection. He had never known that the two of them had anything in common; and it altered his entire opinion of Harry.

"He'll be fine…" Severus answered, "Eventually. As you know first-hand, these sorts of things take a lot of time to work through."

Draco's mind was filled with questions about all he had overheard, but he knew his Godfather would be reluctant to tell him all he wanted to know in an effort to protect Harry's privacy, so he tried to ask questions he thought the man would be more willing to answer.

"What had he done to his hand earlier? I saw the blood on him and the wall. Did he cut himself?"

Severus looked long and hard at Draco trying to determine the best answer to give before deciding to stick to the truth since the teen had been witness to parts of Harry's breakdown firsthand.

"I am assuming he took his aggressions out on the wall. His hand was quite a mess, but it was nothing that couldn't be quickly fixed with the right potion and a simple healing spell."

"Oh." Draco sat his book aside, no longer trying to keep up the pretense that he'd been reading. "I heard some of what he said. I heard him say 'They did it'; what was he talking about? What did 'they' do?"

"Perhaps, Draco," Severus laid his hand upon the young man's shoulder, "that is something you should ask Harry yourself."

Draco's gaze dropped down to stare at his own tightly clenched hands as his Godfather retreated to the small table where they usually took their meals when not eating in the Great Hall. Summoning a house elf, Severus requested a meal to be sent up as he waited for Draco to make his way over. When he noticed the child still ensconced in his spot on the settee, he called to him.

"Come Draco, it's been a long evening, and we could both do with a hot meal and a good night's rest."

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Dinner that night was a sullen affair. Draco wasn't really in the mood to talk much, not that Severus could blame him after the events that took place earlier. The meal was done with quickly, neither of them having much of an appetite, but as Draco stood to leave, he seemed to pause with a look of internal conflict on his face before sitting down again just as quickly. Severus raised an eyebrow in question, and Draco seemed to take that as the incentive he needed to ask the question he had been brooding over for the last twenty minutes.

"May I stay the night?"

Honestly, Severus couldn't say he was surprised by the request. Often as a child, Draco would seek him out whenever Severus happened to stop by the Manor, especially when he was upset over one thing or another. The boy seemed to crave closeness with a caring adult during times of stress. Merlin knew the child couldn't turn to his own parents. For as many things that money can buy, it can't buy happiness; which was something sorely lacking in that household.

By way of an answer to Draco's question, Severus unsheathed his wand and proceeded to transfigure the loveseat into a cot, its blankets and pillow keeping the same pattern as the loveseat's upholstery.

Later that night, after Draco settled himself on the cot, Severus decided to head to bed as well, stopping to dim the lights on the way out. Stopping in the doorway of the short hallway leading to his room, Severus stared at the boy for several long minutes before silently casting a monitoring spell over Draco as well. Satisfied that he was doing his best in the current situation, Severus finally went to bed to get some much needed rest.

oOoOoOoooOoOoOoOo

The flames in the fireplace had long since died down by the time Draco was roused from his sleep. Blearily blinking his eyes in the dim light, he scooped up his wand from the nearby end-table and cast Tempus. With a groan, Draco flopped back down on his pillow. What in Merlin's name had woken him at 4 a.m.?

Then he heard it again; a muffled moan of pain. His brows furrowed in both curiosity and apprehension, he slipped from his bed and started towards the source of the noise. Pausing halfway across the sitting room, he briefly considered getting Severus up to deal with it, but knowing he wouldn't be able to fall back asleep anyways, he continued on, his curiosity getting the better of him.

As Draco stepped into Harry's room, the muffled sounds became slightly clearer, and his eyes widened as he made out some of what the other boy was mumbling in his sleep.

"Stop," Harry's words slurred out, distorted in his sleep as he started to lightly thrash on the bed. "Please." The blankets were kicked off as Harry's movements increased in intensity. "I didn't do it, I swear."

By this point, Draco was well and truly shocked by what he was witnessing. In an effort to bring an end the other boy's nightmare, Draco stepped forward and hesitantly shook Harry's shoulder.

As if prompted by the contact, Harry lashed out with a yelp of fright, his fist catching Draco in the stomach. He woke immediately afterwards, casting his eyes wildly about the room before backing into the furthest corner of his bed, still somewhat lost in the nightmare he had just been caught up in. Seconds later, Severus rushed in with a hand over his stomach, having been alerted by the monitoring spell. Seeing Draco still bent over from the blow, and Harry shaking against the wall, Severus was quick to piece together what had happened.

Severus checked on Draco first, but the blond was swift to right himself in an attempt to save face, assuring his Head of House that he wasn't hurt too badly. By the time Severus was heading to Harry's bed, the boy seemed to have finally fully awakened and was staring wide-eyed at Draco.

"I didn't mean to…" Harry's words tumbled out in a rush of panic, fearing he would be in trouble for hitting Draco in such a manner. "I-I didn't know it was him…"

"Calm down," Severus' level voice directed him. "Draco is perfectly fine."

At this, Severus threw a look over his shoulder at the blond, and Draco was quick to reiterate what his Godfather had said.

"See, I'm fine." He even held his arms out away from his sides as if showing bodily proof of his statement.

Harry didn't even see the other boy's motions. He just nodded his head, his downcast eyes never straying from his hands he now had folded in his lap, and quietly replied, "Alright. Good."

"Harry," Severus interrupted Harry's thoughts to ask, "Will you tell me what the nightmare was about?"

And although that was the last thing Harry wanted to talk about, he decided he would try nevertheless. He felt like he owed the man something for helping him as much as he had. Harry gave a nod of his head and pulled his covers more tightly around his body as if to shield himself from the memory. With a sigh, he accepted his glasses from his professor's outstretched hand and placed them on his face.

As the room came into focus, Harry saw that Draco was still standing behind Severus, towards the back of the room. He stared at the blond nervously for several seconds, suddenly embarrassed at the thought that the other boy was bearing witness to these private moments. Catching the silent exchange, Severus looked over his shoulder and gave a nod in the young Slytherin's direction. Without a word, Draco left, pulling the door closed behind him as he went. With a relieved sigh, Harry settled back against his pillow and contemplated the Severus' previous request. Scrubbing a hand through his hair, Harry wondered where to begin.

"I…," Harry nervously cleared his throat and tried again. "I was back at my uncle's house…."

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

By the time Harry was done explaining the contents of his dream, he had to admit, even if only to himself, he did feel a little better. He was surprised that he had been able to share all of that with his professor. But what would the man think of him? The last thing he wanted was to give Snape any further reason to see him as weak. With this thought in mind, he cautiously brought his eyes up from where he had been keeping them focused on his hands and he looked up to see his professor's expression.

Harry was prepared to see a look of distain across Snape's features, but what he did not expect was the look of…understanding? Surely not, Harry decided, and he ducked his head down into the pillow and brought the covers up to partially hide his face from the contemplative look he was now receiving. Not sure of what else to do, Harry lay quietly and waited to see what Snape would do.

Harry could hear the man sigh before feeling the bed shift as Snape rose from where he had been seated on its edge. For a second or two there was silence, and although Harry wasn't looking in Severus' direction, he could tell that the man was staring at him. Slightly unnerved now, Harry drew the covers up even further and waited for some kind of disparaging comment to be made. But none came, and he pulled his blanket down just enough so that he could peer out into the room.

As soon as Severus made eye contact, it seemed to spur the man into motion, and he turned to leave the room. Oh, great, Harry thought sarcastically, he thinks I'm a total freak now. Why did I open my big mouth? He probably doesn't even want to be in the same room with me anymore. I'm so stupid for telling him all of that. Stupid, stupid, stu-

Harry's self directed tirade was cut short when he heard his professor inform him, "I'll be back in just a moment."

Harry opened his eyes, When had he shut them?, just in time to see the edge of Severus' cloak disappear out his bedroom door. As he waited for his professor to return, he couldn't help the direction his thoughts had taken. Why do I have to act like such a freak sometimes? Why? I just panicked over nothing. Why can't I just be normal? There must be something wrong with me. That must be why.

It was at this point that Severus returned, and Harry quickly wiped at his suddenly moist eyes. The man seemed to pause when this happened, but the action was so momentary that Harry thought that he had perhaps imagined it. The bed dipped as Severus seated himself again.

"I brought this for you."

When curiosity finally got the better of him, Harry slowly pushed his blanket away from his face so he could see what was in his professor's hand. But even after he got a good look at it, he still couldn't tell what it was.

The man was holding a small glowing orb, its light twinkling between soft white and pale blue. Severus whispered a spell that Harry couldn't quite make out, and the strange glowing ball slowly rose into the air, not stopping until it was halfway to the ceiling.

Harry looked questionably back to his professor, but the man answered the question before it could even be asked.

"It's a night light."

Now Harry was really dumbfounded. A night light? The man had brought him a night light? Harry was very thankful for it, truly he was, but why would Snape of all people even have one?

The man was staring at him again, but instead of feeling uneasy about it, a rush of gratitude flooded through Harry. He looked back up at the orb where it softly glowed above him, and then looked out into the corners of his room. Gone were the shadows that lurked there at night; instead, the room was filled with the peaceful shades of light shimmering from the orb.

"Thank you." And then a beat later, Harry worriedly added, "You won't tell Draco will you?"

Harry thought that he could see the corner of his professor's mouth turn up into what might have been a smile, but it was gone just as quickly as it had come, and Harry decided it must have been a trick of the light, for a moment later, Snape's voice answered him just as seriously as it always did.

"Of course not."

Then the man turned to leave, but before he could make it even halfway to the door, Harry couldn't help but ask, "Where did it come from? I've never seen one before."

Just before Severus disappeared from view, Harry could hear the man's answer.

"It used to be Draco's light."

A/N: Yes, yes, I know I had promised quite a few of you that this chapter would be posted weeks and weeks ago, but I ended up with a bad case of writer's block on the last page I was writing that I could not fix. Finally, out of desperation, I erased the last third of the chapter and rewrote it…so, here you go. I'm pleased how it turned out, and I hope all of you like it as well.

Also, a couple readers brought to my attention that I had forgotten to explain Severus' password for entering his quarters. Thank you for reminding me, and I will remedy that as soon as I get to a point in the story where I can slip it in.

One last thing I want to clear up, and I apologize for not explaining it sooner, but there was some confusion with some of my readers concerning Severus' treatment of Harry's problems. First, I will address the eating issues. Some have pointed out that Snape is making Harry throw up by forcing him to eat solids after such a long period of starvation. The Stomach Soothing Potion is supposed to counteract all of the negative effects from Harry eating solids again. Harry is not supposed to be throwing up. You'll find out more about all of that at a later point in the story.

Secondly, one kind reader pointed out that Snape was wrong by stopping Harry from cutting altogether without giving him a different way to cope with what he was feelings. I agree that Snape is making it difficult for Harry, but most of that is because of the history the two have together. Snape is trying in his own snarky way to do things the right way, but years of prejudice can be hard to change. In this fic, they both have issues to deal with. But things will get better for them eventually; it's just slow going for now.

Lastly, I want to say thank you to all of my wonderful readers out there. I love the reviews I get, and they are the perfect motivation for me when I'm writing. In fact, I save the really good ones to read over and over again for inspiration.

Please send a review, and feel free to tell me what you think of the story, or even suggest things you would like to see happen in the fic. I read all reviews and try to respond to each of them. Thank you so much for all your support. Please review!