Chap 70: The Void Between two people, my fault?
Nuada massaged his temples. "I don't understand. There is a generation gap between us. I have tried to accommodate,see where you are coming from, Laira. We have done much together, through thick and thin. We speak the same language. Why have you changed? Why are you cold? I thought I don't have to walk alone in this life. Have we not promised?"
I shivered. The air had chilled. Nuada wore his public mask, glared at me, as if he had never seen me before. My mother had said, they are ruthless, yet why won't I listen?
"I am here, Nuada. I understand you. I don't feel accepted by everyone. I didn't want to make this worse, since you're feeling down and out. I'm grateful for our bond." I shook my head, trying to make it better.
It was meant to be neutral but Nuada perceived this as a negative impact. He was tightlipped and breathed shakily. "I am now a Burden? Was not aware till this moment," he snapped.
No! that's not! Let me show you, I cried out, giving him my palm, but Nuada brushed past me.
"I need to be alone. Goodnight." He closed off all mental contact. Nuada let me explain that's not what I meant. Let me in! I really didn't think through. Come back!
The door closed without remorse. Elf withdrew all contact with me, refusing to answer my pleas. The Wall was impenetrable, the most firm one he had ever done. He must be cut up. Shit! I sat down, crying. It had all gone wrong. My best friend thought I had betrayed him. Just for an occasion like this and when I did not hear him properly. Why did he become so sensitive?
I Had not listened, I had changed? Maybe I had hung out more with Salem and the others, Liz and Abe. Was he feeling neglected? Then I found a sheet on his desk: (visit to the tailor, rem to tell L collect.) Dated for this Saturday.
I racked my brain. Clothes for me? A modern touch? His wardrobe looked normal, in black, meridian and blue. We never had this conflict before and read each other's minds. This stupid crisis period, stupid test! Nuala dropped by and asked, "What happened? You're both sad. Brother said you won't go for Memorial Day. Then he left and wanted to be alone."
We had a fight. Can you help? I gave the gist of what happened.
I had talked to Salem only these days and because Nuada had things to attend to. I admitted I had not paid close attention to him. Hence this distant accusation. I was sorry. But the truth was there: not all the elves accepted me. They thought of themselves as a superior race! Imen's bitterness loomed in my heart. I debated if I should go and find Mum or granddad. Joe blew out his cheeks. He had gone to search for our friend, but couldn't find him. "Sorry sis. I could've lightened it up."
"No, man. Nothing could change his rage. His expectations are gone. He's even put up a wall between us."
Nuala sighed. "He will eventually calm down. Tell you what, I shall speak with abrateir when he is not so angry. What did he say? I want to make it clear." The princess took down the notes as well. I told her I didn't get his disappointment. She promised to talk with him.
I penned a letter to say I felt sorry if I said the wrong things, I was young and ignorant. Most of all, I really loved him and stuff. Hours, past dinner which I ate with Salem and Uriel. They were sympathetic. "He is somewhere here, but yet cut off. We can't go out at this time, since it's still dangerous. Or maybe Nuada had to do something. The missions can be quite spontaneous."
With their escort, I went to all the possible places even the training room. Not a trace. The weapons in the training room remained where they were.
I woke up feeling a body beside mine and loud snores. Oh! Nuada had come back to sleep. Later we could talk. I eagerly awaited the chance to and kissed his cheek. Elf's hair was tangled and he smiled faintly.
But he was solemn as we ate breakfast. "Did you see what I wrote?" I began.
"Yes." No more talk. Ok, I would give him time. The prince drank the last of his orange juice and lay back on the pillow. His voice was crisp. "Now going to join more, interesting company?"
"No. I was with Salem and Liz, then. I don't find you boring at all. Why are you in pajamas?" I gestured to the striped garment. He usually did not change into this or was naked in bed.
My friend smiled slightly. "I wanted to look modern and for a change. Don't need to explain anymore. Go look for them, those people are more exciting."
Why was he also angry about Salem? They were friends.
"No Nuada I want to tell you, about us. Please wait!" I pleaded, not able to stand his thickheaded Male demeanour any longer. I had to get through.
Quietly, he replied, "Speak, then."
I took the chair beside the bed and turned it.
"Why do you feel alone? I don't quite understand." I looked directly at him, heart pounding. His eyes wandered to focus on a distant object.
Slowly, he murmured, "I am not sure anymore. Halfling. You have been occupied with other activities. Sometimes I felt very fatigued, hoping for, a consoling presence. I did not have anyone to depend on. I am alone once more, no difference from being cut off."
I had prepared myself but the strength of his melancholy was cutting deep. Nuada watched me, trying to display his nonchalance. He did not move away so there was some inkling of hope. Salem and I didn't share anything but normal friendship. I told him that immediately. Nuada frowned. "I know. He is not as depressing and angry."
"Don't you trust us? We're simply friends." I snapped.
His goldens were almost closed. In the daylight, my friend seemed exhausted. His rage was worn. "Laira your enigma is in your silence. You have things so vastly secret I cannot know of them. Fine, all of us need a private centre. So I do walk alone again. I thought showing you what Bethmora is like and my parents , our culture, would offer some, common ground. Our life will be like that. But now I am not sure. Have I gone wrong?" His voice thickened. A glint of pain.
"But it appears you do not care."
I took his hand. He did not pull away. You're not wrong, Nuada. We need space. There are no secrets, it's just we have been worried about your grief. I asked them how to be more understanding. He was one of the surviving retainers, not all of them died.
What? I don't remember that far back. He would know me, prince responded. I let him see the time. Oh, I get it.
Now the pale prince seemed to be asleep when I woke up. "You are and always will be foremost my best soulmate ok." I repeated twice.
He nodded imperceptibly. "Some elves don't like half bloods. They are different. Is it not more important that I don't care? I am sad and angry with their childishness. I myself do not like hypocrites. They are fae but behave very selfishly. It has caused problems when we need to work together. Some do not, will never get the concept. You are to be cherished and every bit an elf as we are!" He was vehement and passionate about his statement, cupping my face.
I chuckled. Delight and sweetness. "Oh Nuada. Then our conflict is settled?" Nuada tilted his head but made no reply. "So I'm going to have a new dress? When?" I pointed at the card.
"Yes, I have ordered it. I saw this beautiful shade of violet. And since we haven't gone out for so long, east of town is safe." He smiled wider. I thanked him a few times and jumped about. "I'm pleased. Come, stay with me a moment." He picked up my comb. He teased out the tangles. He also wished I was more forthcoming. I should have come to him when we had little time together, silence was bound to cause problems. "I am all right, don't worry. Thanks so much. Today I won't go anywhere."
He actually cared a great deal, wondering if I was happy or sad. "I don't understand why there are unspoken things between us. Tell me," he was poignant.
I explained that I needed private space, and even he would not, and did not tell me everything. Nuada listened intently. He replied calmly, without a blink, "I don't act and can't lie. Everyone can see my actions and passion. I have disclosed all of myself."
Put like that, I considered from that point of view. "Oh thought I won't bother you too much. It is good to have comfortable silence I think. I'm not keeping anything. Haven't we had it?" Also, he was reticent and stormy.
Nope, Argetlam didn't think so and wanted more transparency between us. He also planned to make this clear to people foreign of fae culture. "Your needs, Lirael, are extremely important to me. I am- hurt that people know but I am the last to know. Missions cannot be disclosed, but let's not have secrets?"
I nodded. He smiled faintly. "Do not be an enigma."
"Huh we've known each other for a long while. Why am I enigma? My ears are round, I got two eyes and mouth." I said, laughing. He joined in.
In my heart, in his view, I was not simple as the fae. I was more complex. Enigma was a good catchphrase. Haha. More graceful and tact in elven.
Nuada walked outside for a moment. Then he returned. "Dainin, tabharfaidh
lus míonla, there is no problem. My regrets are one part and will not affect me. I do not…. Hold on to the pains of the troubles." His hands motioned one half and the other, moving up and down. "So I don't feel troubled when we talk. Understand?"
How eloquent that Nuada used both gaellic and English to express himself! I just replied the words I knew, "Mi cara, mellon."
He smiled wider and said it was the wrong grammar. "Essentially that's casual friend, and friend. Take your time." I considered what he said, and commented that I didn't need him to solve my problems. That'd be too much to handle.
"Uriel and them, they're very nice. It is all right to join them. They make us happy." Nuada said at length.
"Okay. Today will be our special time." He was combing my hair now. It was ticklish. Finally he made a braid for me. "I'll attend the function. But I don't know what to do."
Nuada breathed on my neck. "It is fine. You don't need to. I should not force anyone, that is wrong."
I turned to face him. What? He gestured for me to comb his hair too. I was trying to bend the strands to make some kind of tail. In the end he held it and asked 'ok? Let me tie'
"No, don't. Ow."
"Sorry. Hey shall we think of our relationship as being, more good friends? Don't need to be perfect, but our own selves. I read that many couples, fail because they want each other to change too much. I accept all your flaws." I touched my chest.
Nuada agreed wholeheartedly. I held him close and heard his breathing. "I will try. Perhaps I am too serious. Good idea. I seek the peace inside, by training. Yet, it is not always so." He did not understand everything one hundred percent, though he was experienced. Elves are expected to explain stuff like this, so they try but the ways of the universe like survival of the fittest are unjust. "I also cannot accept my friends died because they were weak? No. I knew they were as strong as I am, and loyal. I hate to fail, Laira. I am stressed when I fail."
Reflexively, the elf massaged near his heart. His wound… I asked him did it still pain?
"It is itchy, like a tickling sensation. If I am in pain, I will fall over," he replied, lying down on the bed. I chuckled. "So this time, it is fine if you don't go. Next time, hope you will. Most festivals are open to all. And Salem is a very trustworthy friend. Sometimes not able to keep secrets."
Prince's embryonic smile was more like his cheered self, when he had finished his exercises and accomplished victory.
"We're only friends." I held his arm.
"I know. We have established that and I will speak with him. He didn't tell me." Nuada sighed.
Oh no! Would that not make them more upset by the tragic past? "Better not, why don't we let it rest?" Instead of the more accusatory 'you', I made it as 'we' to show more concern.
Nuada was calmer now after his unhappiness. He had this firmness in his expression that boded no argument. I could not stop him. In this way, I realized Noowa's enigma too, he cherished what happened even if it broke his heart. Years had gone by, but he had not forgotten, did not wish to forget. Was Nuala the same? I would ask her in a letter, which she faithfully replied.
"Everything is settled? Good, want to watch me doing repairs?" he invited me.
"Sure." Despite the many failures and problems, the prince wanted to add mine to the list. I put that enquiry to him.
He frowned as he refitted a silver cap to the nozzle. It looked like a sort of bottle with many nozzles sticking out. Not the world, if I take on the whole world, I will surely collapse. Haha! Nuada shook his head, ambers shining, lips up.
But didn't you take it that way? Salem and the others think you take it too hard, I replied.
I see! Talking behind my back when I'm not present. So dishonorable. Nuada intoned musically and grabbed my hand. He stared directly at me.
Not always, usually we discuss the good stuff only. Okay, mostly the good stuff. He frowned, holding my hands possessively. Please reply me.
"Maybe I tend to be perfectionist. But not for all. Priority isn't the same," he said dismissively. Then he adjusted my belt, a sparkly thick one that was like a sash. Having an idea, I took another of his golden sashes and tied around my forehead. Yes, ninja girl! I posed.
He laughed quite long. "I did not wash that for a long time. So funny. Here, use this one."
"Eugh." I took the other blue one and tied. The ends were very long though I tied it back.
I turned up at the ceremony quietly. Memorial Day had begun. The venue was in Bethmoora, but the gateway was open. I went with Uriel, who made sure I got in before leaving. The twins were at their private table, above some steps, listening and attending to others. Their mouths moved. Nuala was not in tears, to my relief. She had been very emotional one day and Abraham had to hug her. Indeed both twins felt grief at this Memorial day occasion but did not weep at the same time. I saw some familiar faces.
Other elves looked tearful and drawn. Before I approached their table, Jet called me. He was the asian elf, black hair and brown eyes. His brown were a preternatural kind. "Oh hi. I don't have any mourning, I'm looking for Nuada and princess." I said.
"Never mind, the candles are plentiful and free. Keep them," Jet answered. He held a candle out. The design was carved with nymphs in song. Salem shook his head as Nuada cupped his ear to talk.
They both turned as I stepped up the porch. Nuada stood up, eyes wide. "Laira! You're… here." He hugged me briefly.
"Of course. She was just worried how your lordship would think of not coming. Like it is a taboo," Salem joked.
"What do you mean, Sal?" Nuada muttered.
"Oh nothing much."
My soulmate glared and said something in elven buachaill insolent then showed a third finger. But he glanced at me sheepishly. Don't follow my example. Thank you for attending. "Sit down with us." Nuala and I talked for awhile then she said she had to join some other women. Nuada and Salem were eventually the only elves left here. I noticed he looked sad. "Salem, you ok?"
"No. I am here for the comrades who perished. My folks died when I was very young. I never had the chance to… my uncle was my only kin," he choked up. We rubbed his back. I had never asked, he was so alone here. Poor Salem.
Then we had some food. Nuada changed the subject. "I don't have a picture of Wink, my troll retainer. I thought of finding a regular picture and imagine how he looks from there." His tone was merry. We smiled. I offered to make an anime picture of him.
"Yes you're the artist," they were very positive. I took out my sketch book and showed them the mini- HB, Abe, elves. There were statues and the largest one was of a helm and shield. Perhaps that was their Father god, Dagda.
"I've seen him before," Nuada whispered. At this moment, we all surrounded the statues in the middle of the place to pray.
"What, personally?" I gasped.
"Yes in my dream, Dagda told me not to tread the borders so much. The father tree, here, is the True beginning. In the past, all races lived in harmony together." He waved his left hand down the diagram. Big and small creatures had lifelike resemblance.
Hoigh Nuada nin mellon!
We haven't used letters for a long time. Being in the same room. But I have missed this connection to, so I'm gonna start. Not the same as face to face. I like written form more, it's sophisticated. How about you? Written can be less defensive.
I decided to come for Memorial day. Sorry for my tactlessness that day. I really felt the atmosphere and elf like. Most people ignored me but I didn't care.
I hope you and me will have a more expectations-equality score now. Haha (smiley) if you don't understand, I will explain next letter.
The new dress is beautiful! It has a modern touch. You are so sweet. I really appreciate these gestures, Nuada. Let's try to go out if possible, it was very healthy for us. The town looked different.
How long will the protection be? Could you tell us, then stress will drop. I hope the situation will be under control and life will come back to normal.
Write back! Waiting here
Always thinking of us: Me!
Nuada
There had been times I was less than civil. Because of the grief and anger within I lashed out at the friends. The only friends I had left. Why did the Halflings choose to be away from me? Joe was hardly in his room when I wanted to talk. I felt very alone and angry. Was I still central in her life too?
She chose to talk to Salem instead of me. I was worked up and could not fathom why. Immediately, I sought out a deserted wing of the place. Sister found me. "She is so young. Brother, you should blame her less."
"I have accommodated all their needs! Yet other people are suitable to confide in. I am the last to know! How can Laira do that?" I was shouting. Nuala's adamant stance that I was wrong grated. I could not bear it anymore and paced about. Her woundedness ached inside my heart as well. I was afraid to lose my control over the monster within, so I shut off all telepathic probes.
Thinking back, I was overreacting. Even my old wound throbbed, a reminder to calm down. An insistent headache started as well. I found a worn down leatherbound nonfiction book and talked to my father in my heart. Occasionally I would tell him about my day, during meditation and solitary hours. I knew not the hours that passed, only when I got back to my room, it was bedtime. Switching on the table light, I saw a letter explaining why she did not mean to upset me. Laira did not understand why I had blown up at her. Mainly because…. I did not wish us to separate. How could we soulmates if we missed Memorial Day? I was vehement about this matter. She gave the excuse that my people did not welcome her.
What honor is there left?
I was much more at peace when emergencies died down and the festival was over. Yes, I had not written back for some time. Today, the girl dainin went to play with the cats. She wanted to see some animals. I had let her go willingly. The conversation preceding that was funny-
"Sure you're not gonna shout at me? Nuada is always so aggro."
"No. I am not aggro. Cats are better cuddlers. I will be fine, come back for dinner." I waved as she exited. The positive effect of that conflict was that she would be more direct about her intentions. Frankly, Joe said I was paranoid. I hated that word and smacked him (gently). It was part of my duty, I should care for them. No more arguing, it is for your own good! I had firmly added.
Eating a handbaked cookie, I settled down with pens and paper.
Hi Laira & Joe (will be another note)
Yes I agree. Cute, it is funny to receive letters in the same room. Haha. I wish to tell you, beloved Lirael, how poorly I behaved during our fight. The stress was no excuse. I am truly sorry for being blinded by rage, so I had to move away. I did not want to hurt you and cooling down elsewhere was a better option.
Emotions can run high, especially for people like me (stick figure sad face). I was confused and shall lay it out here:
On conversation that's not open: I've always wanted you to come to me. First. Haven't we gone over it before? I will be available. Yes, I broke down when I missed my parents but that is an issue separate from our relationship. I am confident of listening and helping you. I really want to!
Why did you doubt my trust? If I am angry, it is nothing to do with distrust. I know that my retainers and companions are loyal to me. I am not angry with Salem anymore. Perhaps it was because I missed you.
We both give in. that day I felt all my efforts were wasted, for you seem happier about other things going on. You did not have time for me…. I am not angry now, it just seems like this. Take this as an enquiring tone, ok?
Writing is clearer, also helps the mind relax. I am calm. Laira, it is an honour indeed to know you and observe the changes. I will never forget (always remember) your kindness and support. Shall treat you as my special guardian when I do not feel 'adult'. My childhood was quite brief, and maybe that's why I didn't play enough. There are days when this elf lapses into spoilt child behaviour, haha. Still, overall our status shouldn't change. Instead of talking down or up, let us be equals in decisions. That said, I think you are a wonderful human-half side. I won't eliminate all the people but give them a chance to evacuate.
Is it a pooka quiz? Those tricky beings, don't like them. Did I mention was tricked by one? So embarrassing, I was foolish and naïve, got stranded in the cold! I believe it was a dumb riddle. I did not get anything back, argh. That is the most common spelling, there are others too. I Hate riddles! There is this misconception that fae are simple. I can tell everybody pookas aren't simple. We are way simpler. ( I laughed)
Oh, thank you for coming! We were touched. Why the sudden change?
I gave sister migraines when I shouted. Imagine her lecturing me. Hmm, expectations-equality means balancing both our needs. Am I correct? They were unbalanced so we argued. Moreover though we share a close bond, it is okay to have secrets. I meant secrets about me, please tell me directly so I can reflect. I feel wounded and less confident if others backstab me. People of different backgrounds used to criticize our decisions. We had bad experiences. I trust that friends here care about me.
I know you'll like the new dress. See, I have excellent taste. Thank you for calling me cute. Does it mean I am more romantic? Missed your letters, the art of conversation without voice.
Sincerely, Nuada
I also did one for my brother and went to his room. "Didn't miss me?" I asked when he opened the door.
Another day we were doing something on the internet. It was called Facebook. The rest I failed to recall. I felt bored indoors so we spent some time with the computer. Laira begged me to sign up for an account so she could add me. "Please! Nuada it will be nice. There's no need for real name, or photo promise."
I thought about it. "So what name can I use?" typing in my name showed many people had the same. Outrageous. In the end I used Argetlam with a number. I still felt conservative about doing anything on the line. She beamed as if it was a wonderful deed. I smiled.
The profile picture was a grey person if left blank. I refused to add any art. Thn we started on the games. The people had big heads…. I played for a while. Although watching games had been enough, I was beginning to enjoy the process. My favorite ones were the animal petting and feeding. Laira showed me her chickie pet.
"But I won't be coming to this online thing regularly. I come in here only two times, usually to print things or check the important news." I yawned.
"Cool! It's ok, I know. Elves don't match with tech. You check email. How many accounts?" She imagined me at the computer with a serious face.
I sighed and backspaced on some typo error. "I hate it. I ask them to print out for me, so I don't need to do them here. Yet they tell me it's wastage of paper, so I fill in forms. See, feedback again. We could share one paper."
Since I was tired, she volunteered to do the ticking for me. Weary of sitting still at a desk.
Liz was very astonished to see me. "Wow! Internet guy."
"No, just today. I'm going for a drink. Let's spend some real life time, friend," I told the girl. After an hour, and four cups of delicious tea and coffee, Laira emerged from that freezing room. "What's up?"
Liz and I had a short chat. She had just got back from a case and was 'flat from the burning'. "So I won't burn you, prince. I've missed you. Let's catch up again." I agreed to.
"Today I am going to show you calligraphy." I took out a bulky envelope from the big drawer. Demonstrating letterings. Halfling settled down to imitate my art. There were new colored pens with ink. I used black the traditional one and dipped in the ink. I was rusty but easily adapted.
A movie about samurai inspired me to ask a friend for lessons. "Now I feel like a real Elf! Yay, yours is so beautiful. Why choose that phrase?"
She pointed to my parchment. I used silver to adorn the alphabets. True courage does not mean losing your principles. A brave person is someone who speaks truth even if not all agree.
I kissed her forehead. "I think courage is an important value. I like the words. It's somehow related to father's code. This comes closest."
She had done about -Love! The most powerful force. I wish I can be patient and forgiving. Sometimes love is elusive. By me.