You can't escape the consequences for ever…..
October 7th 2018
Molly
"So how long have you known"
"A while"
"And you didn't think you should mention it to me? Christ, Charlie are you ever going to learn? Or are you always going to treat me as though I'm a child who needs patting on the head and protecting for some reason?"
"Please don't be angry, Molly, I know I've fucked up again, but I was happy, we were happy, okay I was probably in denial, but I wanted us to stay feeling like that, I'm sorry, I just wanted to go on living in this happy little bubble but you're right, I should have told you, I know I should have told you"
"I've heard that somewhere before and I'm not angry because you have to go, that's what you signed up to, that's why we spent so much time worrying about what Beck would do, hell, it's what I signed up to as well, no, I'm not angry with you, I'm bleeding disappointed. I thought it would all be different this time, that you would stop treating me like a responsibility, we are not in fucking Afghan now, and I really thought you were starting to treat me like your 'partner', but it didn't take long for you to go back to your old ways did it?"
"What are you saying?"
"I don't know"
I was sitting on the side of the bed feeding Chloe and trying hard not to get upset, I am not sure it'd be good for her to have her mum bawling her eyes out while she was having her lunch and anyway I had just told Charlie that I wasn't a child for fuck's sake. I'd known there was something he wasn't telling me, I could just tell, so I went on nagging and badgering him until he blurted out that he was deployed to help the Peshmerger against Isis in northern Iraq, just about the most dangerous bleeding place there is, and he was on pre-deployment now so he had to go to Catterick next week then he was off in about three weeks, for six months for fuck's sake! I'm angry that he didn't tell me and of course I'm a bit angry that he's got to go but if I was being really honest I would admit that I'm a bit jealous as well. I'm a medic, I'm a bloody good medic, and I loved my job, but that all came to an end the day I jumped into bed with him without using anything. Would I have done it if I'd known then what I know now? Probably not, but then I look at him laying on the bed with Chloe asleep on his chest and his hand tucked under her bum which makes her look so tiny and he looks so sweet holding her like that and I can't be sorry for what happened. I know he loves me and I know I love him but I'm not sure I can live with someone I can't trust to tell me the truth about what is going on.
I am not going back and that has nothing to do with Charlie being deployed, the thought of weaning her onto a bottle and giving her to someone else to look after, probably Charlie's mum, makes me shudder. I could do it if I had to, I thought I was going to have to when I was on my own, I would have to pay for rent and food and that, and I was not going to be an unemployed single mum if I could help it, but I knew I wasn't going to sign on for active service again for a very long time, well not while she was little anyway. It's just that I miss it sometimes.
Charles
I know that Molly can look after herself, she is very independent and can definitely keep herself safe without me clucking around her like a mother hen, it's just that ever since I first met her I felt this absolute need to keep her safe and to make sure that she is happy and to protect her from things that might upset her. This isn't the first time I've been a coward about telling her something that I know will upset her but that she really needs to know. I know she is right, we are not in Afghan now and I have to treat her as my partner, not as someone who is too fragile to deal with reality. I am sure that I have completely fucked it up this time, and she is so angry with me that I'm horribly afraid she might leave me and I am not sure I can handle tthat.
Molly has put Chloe in her crib and got on the bed and stretched out next to me and is just looking at me, not saying a word, as if she is waiting for me to say something. There is nothing I can say, so I stroked my thumb down her face and across her bottom lip then kissed her, slowly and gently at first like the first time I ever kissed her, then harder and deeper as she kissed me back until I began to undo the buttons on her shirt. She wasn't wearing a bra and I was very unsure about whether it would be okay to touch her, so I just grazed my thumb across her nipples, half expecting to get a flea in my ear, but within seconds we had turned the clock back a couple of months and I badly needed to make love to her, and judging by the way she was pulling me closer and closer and how shallow and fast her breathing had got, I wasn't alone, but for the first time since we were in Afghan, I managed to have some self-control. I couldn't do what I so desperately wanted to do and what she was straining towards me for because Molly hasn't had her check up yet and I have no idea how easy it is to get pregnant so soon after having a baby or while breast feeding and as usual for us, contraception was an issue. I did not want to risk going off to Iraq leaving her pregnant again. I made love to her exactly as I had wanted to before Chloe was born and she very quickly reached a shuddering climax, then made love to me using her hands and lips and mouth to create a magic that left me totally spent and completely satisfied. I just wanted to lay there forever holding her tight and keeping the world away for a bit.
"You'll have to get up"
"Why?"
"I can hear your mother's voice downstairs and it's not fair on Nan"
"Oh shit, what the hell does she want?"
"She doesn't normally want anything, she just 'pops in' when she's passing, or so she says"
"There's no way you can pass here on the way to Bath for fucks sake, I'm going to have to sort her out, aren't I?"
"Well, don't do it now, I might need her while you're away"
"Are you coming down?"
"In a minute. I need a shower first, I am not going to sit and talk to your mum when I'm all sticky and smell of you"
Nan
I asked Molly if the old trout had got DVDs of Margaret Thatcher so she can practise sounding like her, bossy cow. She is a right pain in the arse, always dropping in without warning so she can tell everyone what to do and how to do it, she's seriously getting on my tits. I may have to tell her what's what before much longer, even if she is Charlie's mum. Mind you she came a bit of a cropper this time. She came swanning in like visiting bleeding royalty all ready to organise the troops but the troops had had a fight and had buggered off upstairs and we sat there trying to think of things to say to each other while we could hear noises like they were bonking as they made it up. Don't bother me, but she wasn't very happy at all and decided to get off home, said she will call tomorrow, I wanted to tell her not to bother, but as I say she is Charlie's mum. How the hell did a woman like her end up with a lovely bloke like him? He obviously takes after his dad, who, I have to say, is a bit of alright, I wouldn't say no to a bit of afternoon delight with him meself.
Molly and Charlie just came down and asked where the old trout had gone so I told them what had sent her running for the hills. Molly laughed but poor Charlie blushed so I told him that what his mum needs is a "Jolly good .." I didn't get any further because Molly interrupted me with "Nan, stop it" so I said that I was going to say "Job or hobby maybe" and she looked at me with her eyebrows raised like she didn't believe a word!
When Charlie went to make some tea I told Molly that I was pleased to see that they had made up and she said they hadn't been bonking, so I asked her "Why the hell not?" and told her that if he was going away they should be making use of every bit of time they had before he had to go. She told me it wasn't that easy what with her not having had the green light from the Doc so I told her that we never bothered with stuff like that when I was younger, as long as everything seemed okay, we just got on and did what we wanted, never did me any harm! I reminded her that it wasn't that he wanted to go, he has to go and anyway she knew this was going to happen when she moved in with him, so she can't complain now, so what she should be doing is thinking about how she wants him to think abour her when he's away. Does she want him to think of her all miserable and moping around cos he's away or as her sparky self, all fun and laughter and a bit of how's your father thrown in? They asked me if I would stay on for a bit, keep Molly company and save her from the old trout moving in, so I said I would as it would give me more time to make my move on Charlie's dad, so Molly said "Nan, stop it" and Charlie laughed and said "Lucky dad, go for it", it's a good job his mum can't hear him.
Molly
Nan does talk a lot of sense sometimes, of course she's right. I do want him to think of me as cheerful and getting on with things, not as a misery guts and he knows how much I am going to miss him so I don't need to keep on about it. Welcome to the world of military wives! Okay so I'm not exactly his wife, but I'm working on it. What I am going to do is make a plan for the things I want to get done while he's away, like learning to drive and going to the gym and maybe looking at courses at the local college to see if there is anything I fancy that will help me get a job later on. I hope she's joking about Charlie's dad though!
Brize Norton 23 October, 2018
Charles
So here we are again and this is my last time, I am totally determined that this is my last tour, Beck or no Beck! His blackmail was so subtle I am still not sure whether I am just being paranoid, because I thought that I got away too easily, but he pointed out that I hassled and badgered until I was finally sent to Turkey as a replacement CO and that I had a duty and responsibility to him not to let him down when he needed me for this bloody job in Iraq. I would have agreed with him if it wasn't for leaving Molly and Chloe. I hadn't appreciated how hard it would be not to talk about my beautiful daughter in case someone does the maths and how hard it would be not to talk about the girl I love in case questions are asked about Turkey and her departure last spring and speculation starts about who the father is, and someone joins the dots. What is it they say? Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive!
I haven't mentioned any of this to Molly, I know she would be mad as hell if she knew I was keeping it from her, but she is being so brilliant at putting on a brave face and there is nothing she can do and none of this is her fault. I will Skype her tonight because I haven't seen her for days and phone calls are okay but I miss seeing her face when she tells me she loves me and I hope that Chloe will not be asleep because I want to see her as well. God, I've been here a day and I'm already in bits, will have to pull myself together there is some serious shit going on here.
I wouldn't let Molly tell me to be careful or to stay safe when I left our house and she kissed me goodbye, and she told me she had to because she had heard that Catterick is very dangerous place! That's my girl.
Authors notes: Thanks for all your reviews, you are all lovely! As you can see, there is more to the deployment scenario than Molly realises and I think that the next chapter will jump the 6 months and we will pick Authors up their lives when he gets back. Please R&R for me, thanks