I'm getting so many wonderful reviews. I'm so happy that everyone seems to like my story so far.
I know nothing about sculpting other than what I read on the internet, so if I get it wrong, I'm sorry, but I tried.
I hope this chapter helps explain why Alice never said anything…
Chapter 6 – Pictures
I got back home on Sunday morning, but Charlie had already gone fishing. I immediately went downstairs to start the process of finishing Rosalie's statue.
It was nearly three in the afternoon when I applied the first coat of patina. In my humble opinion, I had gotten it right. It looked and felt perfect. All of the passion that Emmett and Rosalie shared was evident from one look at the statue. I was rather pleased with myself.
I ran upstairs to call Rosalie and let her know that it would be completely ready in two days, but the phone was already ringing. It was Jacob.
I hadn't spoken to him in forever. He told me that my dad had asked him to call me and invite me down to La Push for dinner since Charlie was staying to watch the game with Billy. I decided that this was as good a time as any to start opening myself back up to the world. I hadn't really had a friendly conversation with anyone other than the Cullen's since last March. That was a really long time to be shut off from people. I was eager to stretch my Edward-free wings.
I decided to shower and get the sculpting smell off of me. I rather liked it, but some people didn't care for it. Once I dried off, I headed to Jacob's. When I got there, I immediately noticed that Jacob had grown over a foot since I had seen him last. Wow! He was huge. After a bone crunching hug, Jacob led me into the living room where Billy and Charlie were already eating pizza and watching the game.
To say that Billy was pleased to see that I had gotten over Edward would have been an understatement. He was ecstatic, but then again, so was Charlie, and so was I for that matter. Jacob, on the other hand, became furious when any of the Cullen's were mention or even alluded to, so after awhile, we stopped mentioning them altogether.
After Charlie and Billy really got into the game, Jacob and I adjourned to the garage where Jacob was building a car, a VW, I think. It was easy to talk to Jacob, as long as I didn't mention the Cullen's. That made me think of the first time I had met Jacob. He had told me a story that he claimed he didn't believe as to why the Cullen's weren't allowed on Quilleute land. It seemed to me, that for whatever reason, Jacob had started to believe that story.
We mostly talked about his friends, Embry, Paul, Jared, and Sam, and some guy named Quil that didn't really hang around them very much right now, but again for some reason, he was sure that Quil would soon be hanging with them. Since my friends were off limits, I gladly questioned him about his.
"Do you have a girlfriend?" I asked him, honestly curious, and really hoping that he did because he was sending off vibes that he was very interested in me. I simply wasn't ready for a relationship. And Jacob seemed very angry about something. I definitely couldn't be with someone who had anger issues. I could be his friend, but I couldn't see us together.
"Umm… no." He sounded uncharacteristically unsure of himself. He blushed furiously, reminding me of myself. I swallowed hard, knowing that I was right about his feelings for me.
"You have a boyfriend?" He sounded hopeful.
"I'm kiiiiiiinda still getting over a bad break-up." I winced, hoping that he wouldn't get mad at the mention of my relationship with Edward, even though I didn't say his name.
"Oh, yeah." He mumbled, but didn't get angry. He just seemed disappointed. I really needed to figure out a way to make sure I didn't hurt him because I enjoyed having him as a friend.
"What do you need to finish this car?" I asked him, quickly changing the subject.
Jake rattled off a few car parts whose names might as well have been in Klingon because I didn't understand a word of it, but it got his mind off of asking me about my love life or lack of love life.
By the time I went home, Jake had unsuccessfully tried to teach me how to tell the oil pan from the… You know what? I have no idea what the second part was, but I still had fun with Jacob.
When I got home, I sculpted instead of going to bed. Part of it was that being with Jacob had inspired me. The other part was I disliked going to bed. I was afraid of the dark. I had been since I was younger, and Edward had really done some things that I don't like to think about that didn't help with my fear. And a few nights ago, and not for the first time, the bulb in my nightlight had burned out in the middle of the night, and I woke up screaming. I decided to sculpt to forget my fears. I didn't like the way my anxiety medicine made me feel.
As the clay went through my fingers, I remembered the story that Jake had told me that led me to figure out the Cullen's secret. As was my custom, my fingers started shaping the clay of their own accord. I lost track of time as I fashioned the figure. When I finally saw what I had created, it took my breath away, not in a conceited way, but in an epiphany kind of way.
I had created a bust of Jacob except that the right half of his features resembled that of a wolf. When I really thought about the story that Jacob told me, I remembered that he said that he was descended from wolves. What if that part of the story was true as well? What if Jacob was a wolf? Weren't werewolves supposed to be the mortal enemies of vampires? I decided to file this away for further review. I looked at my watch to see what time it was. It was four-thirty in the morning. I was going to be tired today.
I thought that if I went to sleep now, I wouldn't get up when the alarm went off. Instead, I worked on my wolf/Jacob sculpture a little more, creating the mold. At six-thirty, I started getting ready. I looked like death warmed over, but I still felt better than I had in awhile.
I floated through school that day, kind of rejoicing that it was sunny enough that I wouldn't have to hear about how much I needed sleep. Edward always used to say things like that or have Alice tell me, but neither one of them would be at school today.
Clearly, Alice's absence from school was no guarantee that I would go through my day without hearing about it. She was waiting for me at my house when I got home and gave me an earful about taking care of myself.
"What were you thinking, staying up all night?" Alice scolded me the second I walked through the door, effectively scaring the crap out of me.
"I was thinking that it was none of your business." I bristled, narrowing my eyes at her. "And hello, Alice, it's nice to see you too."
"But Bella, you have to take your health seriously. Your fragile human body needs sleep." She ignored my sarcastic greeting and continued reprimanding me.
"So you're saying that I can't sometimes make questionable decisions? You do realize that I am both a teenager and an artist? Missing one night of sleep isn't the end of the world, you know? Or maybe you feel that it's your duty to run my life because I clearly have no idea how to do it?" I shouted at her. I knew I was overreacting because I was tired, but her little speech was reminding me of the things Edward used to say to me.
"What?" She questioned me, looking a little hurt and a little confused at my rant. "I just was pointing out…"
"Don't you think that I'm aware that I stayed up last night, that I know that I'm tired?" I countered whatever she was about to say. "You are neither my mom nor my babysitter."
"I never said that I was." Alice defended herself.
"My fragile human body needs sleep." I threw her words back at her in a rather mocking tone.
"I only meant to say that…" She started to explain, but I cut her off.
"That if I don't promise to get a good night's sleep every single night, you're going to come back here and dazzle me until I do?" I accused.
"I would never do that." She retorted bitterly.
"Then why does it feel like Edward sent you here to make sure I was being a good little human?" I asked, my voice laced with accusation.
She immediately got it. At the mention of Edward, she gasped and shook her head in horror.
"I'm so sorry, Bella. I never thought of it like that." Alice's lip quivered. "Edward didn't send me here this time. I was just falling back into old habits. I didn't realize that he was using me to control you. He used to pressure me into making sure you did everything he wanted, but I thought he was only looking out for you. He would justify it by saying that he only wanted what was best for you."
"I'm sorry too, Alice." I responded. "I should have known you didn't mean to control me the way Edward had. I'm especially sorry that I implied that you would dazzle me to get your way. I just need a little more independence than you're used to giving me. I can't go back to being the person I was with Edward. I don't like her very much."
"I understand, Bella." She nodded. "I won't pressure you anymore."
"No, Alice," I sighed, "It's completely okay for you to disagree with me. It's just not okay for you to impose your will upon me because you're so much stronger than I am or dazzle me or guilt me into doing something I don't want to do."
"Of course," she agreed.
"Even if you really think that I will be missing some important rite of passage. I want it to be my choice. I would rather regret not doing something than be manipulated into doing it against my will." I added.
"I don't think I understand." Alice braced herself for my explanation.
"You and Edward both seemed to be under the impression that I needed to be a typical human. You both seem obsessed with making sure I have all the experiences a normal human would have, like prom, my birthday, and the full makeover associated with senior pictures." I told her. "I never wanted any of those things. I'm not normal, and I'm okay with that. I'm not okay with you or Edward trying to change me into something I'm not."
"You didn't want to go to prom?" She seemed genuinely confused.
"Did you think that I did?" I asked incredulously. "Couldn't you see that Edward had to trick me into going with him? He didn't even have the courtesy to ask me until I figured it out on the way. I wouldn't have even known until we were there if Charlie hadn't called."
"He told me that he knew that you would love it if he just got you there. I searched the future and saw you dancing." She looked utterly shocked. "You looked happy."
"No, I was pissed that I really had no recourse but to go with him since I was crippled and had no way to get home. He dazzled me into looking happy once we were there." I remembered. It actually made me a little angry to relive it.
"Did he really dazzle you that often?" She asked, afraid of the answer.
"Pretty much whenever I didn't agree with him," I told her, silently adding with a shudder, that is, until he decided to be sadistic.
"I actually knew that you didn't really want a birthday party." She admitted. "Edward just told me that you needed it. He seems to always know just what to say to convince me to acquiesce."
"Yes, he's manipulative." I agreed.
"But senior pictures?" She asked incredulously. "Who doesn't want to look fabulous for senior pictures? Edward said that you didn't even want to take them because of your poor self image."
"No, he lied. Imagine that." I laughed bitterly. "I wanted a more natural look, but he wanted a glamorous look. When I wouldn't agree with him, he talked you into 'surprising' me with a makeover. He knew that I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you that I didn't want a makeover."
"Bella, if you don't want to do something, all you have to do is let me know. A real friend doesn't get mad if you don't do every little thing they ask." She assured me.
"Yes, but…" I paused nervously. "I thought that you knew what he was doing to me since you didn't stop him."
"I had no idea, Bella." Her eyes begged me to believe her.
"Why didn't you tell me why you were giving me a makeover? I didn't even know what we were doing until we pulled up to the photo studio." I asked her rather critically.
"He told me not to tell you. He said that he didn't want to give you time to be nervous about the pictures." She shook her head in disbelief at the part she'd played in my abusive relationship.
"No, he apparently had canceled the appointment I had made and made one himself so that I didn't have a chance to re-do it my way." I tried to hold back my tears. "He told me he'd be watching me to make sure I didn't try to disobey him."
I finally couldn't hold back any longer. I began weeping at the memories that had resurfaced. She pulled her arms gently around me and walked us to the couch so I would be comfortable while she held me.
"He abused you, Bella." She finally said it out loud. "My brother basically tortured you for months, didn't he?"
"Yes," I admitted.
"And you thought we all knew about it and were helping him?" She asked rhetorically. "You must have felt so alone."
"Even if you didn't know, why would you believe me over your brother?" I tried to explain my reasoning for never telling them.
"And you couldn't tell Charlie because you couldn't tell him why Edward was able to do the things he did." She guessed.
I nodded against her chest.
"I'm sorry that he did this to you." She cried tearlessly with me. "I wish that I had known. I would have stopped him."
"Why didn't you see and stop him?" I asked her, finally daring to for the first time. I felt that if we were really going to be able to be friends, I needed to know the answer to this question.
"He told me that you were a very private person and begged me to stay out of your alone time with him." She explained, sobbing.
I blew out a breath that I didn't even know I was holding; relieved that there was a plausible explanation to why Alice never helped me. She hugged me tighter.
"Why would you trust me at all if you thought that I helped Edward hurt you?" She wondered.
"Because I saw Jasper lying on the floor, mentally beating the hell out of himself, and I knew that even if you were aware that Edward was tormenting me, you would at least regret your part in it if it caused Jasper that much pain." I sighed. "And like you said before, I was all alone."
"He cut you off from society." She realized. "You had no one you could share this with."
"Not until I finally got up the nerve to let Jasper know that I had forgiven him." I sighed.
"I'm surprised that you were as quick about it as you were." She told me. "I would have probably held a serious grudge against us for a very long time."
"I'm not like that. I'm too weak to hold a grudge for long." I cried.
"Not weak, Bella, you're the strongest person I know." She corrected me. "It takes real strength to forgive someone. You are strong, Bella Swan. I can see that you're going to forgive Edward before the rest of us, and he hurt you much more than he hurt us."
"I'm not there yet, but I've already started to forgive him." I admitted sheepishly.
"I know." She laughed.
After that tearful conversation, I hoped that maybe she finally understood what it was like for me to be in such an unhealthy relationship, at least the parts I was willing to share. There were some things I was too embarrassed to tell her, but I needed her to see that I couldn't live like that anymore. I dearly wanted to be her friend, but I wasn't willing to lose myself in the process the way I had with Edward.
"We still have a week to get the final pictures in to the yearbook committee." She announced. "How would you like to do it again, your way? I'd have to break in to the school and delete the one Edward approved, but we could definitely get a new appointment."
"Would you really let me decide what I wear and how I do my hair and makeup?" I was skeptical but excited.
"Of course, Bella, it's your picture." She agreed. "But can I please help? I promise to let you stay in control."
"That actually sounds good." I acquiesced. "Will you make the arrangements? I need my beauty sleep."
"Yes, I will." She squealed and then asked me sheepishly, "Can I please buy you some dresses to choose from? I won't search the future to see which one you like. I promise."
"No blue." I told her forcefully. I refused to wear the color blue since Edward left me. At first, it was because the color reminded me of him and made me sad. Now, it was because I thought that he was trying to control me, subtly suggesting that I shouldn't ever wear any color but blue.
"I can understand that." She giggled. "I'll try other colors."
"Do you think they'll let me do some with my sculptures or actually sculpting something?" I asked. "Edward said that they wouldn't allow it, but I don't think he was being honest."
Alice checked the future for me.
"I know it's a bit of a shocker, but Edward lied about that as well. It'll be fine to include some of your sculptures." She told me. "They actually like to incorporate hobbies and interests into their pictures. I saw the proofs of the ones that Edward had you do, they weren't very personal, were they?"
"Not so much, no." I shook my head, remembering how Edward had told them all the poses he wanted to see me in, and I just went along with him to get it over with. I didn't really get a say in any of it.
"The pictures were going to be sent to your house, since Edward insisted on paying. Do you have them?" I was curious to see them.
Alice once again looked at the future.
"Yes, but he hasn't even opened the box." She looked confused. "Maybe he had plans for them before you broke up. I'll get them back for you, though."
After that, I finally went upstairs and fell asleep for about an hour. I set my alarm so that I could have some dinner and still get sleep tonight. When the alarm went off, I smelled food cooking. I ran downstairs to rescue Charlie from his cooking disaster only to find Esme cooking dinner and Charlie still not home. I should have known it wasn't him because the food actually smelled edible.
"Alice went shopping. She asked me to make dinner for you since she thought you'd be sleeping for awhile." Esme hugged me. "I also brought you these pictures that Edward had in his room."
I opened the box and found my original senior pictures. I looked like a different person, and it wasn't just the hair, makeup and clothes. It was the look on my face. I was smiling, but I looked slightly out of it. It was the dazzled look. I hated that look. I started ripping pictures and crying.
At first, Esme held me, but soon, she put dinner on the backburner and started a small but controlled fire so that she could help me dump the pictures in. After all the pictures were destroyed, I began sobbing uncontrollably.
"It's okay, Bella." She grabbed me and pulled me into a hug, gently stroking my hair.
"I can't be her." I whimpered. "I don't want to be like her again. I hate her."
"You don't have to be, sweetheart." Esme assured me. "You're wonderful just the way you are."