Hey, so it's DustedwithStars, or Dusty! It's my turn to write this time, so enjoy. This is just a big pile of fun, fluffy shit right now. And this is before the plot twists. I have no idea how we even came up with the plot twists...
We stepped off route 1-0- something with our newly caught, perfect IVs and EV trained Ralts, and instantly the music changed to Petalburg's tune. Wait, what music?
The smell of fireplace smoke lingered in the air. Lush beds of grass cut by dirt paths, and patches of bright yellow and cool blue flowers, stretching their heads towards the sun, created a patchwork for the ground of Petalburg. There were a few sparse, simple wooden houses making this a city, and pools with water so blue it was almost white, reflecting back our images with perfect clarity.
I tied my poofy black hair back, a curly mess now, walking a few steps closer to a pond so I was taller than Noah, with his hair shorn so much you could only see it when the sun shone directly on it and his very well defined muscles that could be considered attractive if he wasn't such a weirdo. Thoaria had a mismatch of clothes from all across the games, and deep brown eyes she wished were blue, and stuck out her tongue at me. The Gym loomed above us, a little shabby, with scratches on the roof, and walls that needed repainting.
We stepped into the Gym, to see my hubby, Wally. There was something off about him, though. Maybe it was the swagger in his step, and the way he wasn't shyly hunching his shoulders anymore. There was also Norman, the jackass father, with Good-Thoaria by his side.
"It's Wally!" I yelled at my friends (?), who were entering the Gym. "And Thoaria, look, it's your dad!"
Thoaria sighed. "Hey... Dad..."
Norman pouted, sticking out his lower lip like a little girl. "I always liked good Thoaria better." He hugged his Vigoroth.
"Your dad is an ass," Noah remarked.
"It's obviously hereditary!" Wally piped up, flashing an easy going smile. Girls everywhere instantly crossed their arms over their chests. "Dayum girl!"
"Dafaq?!" Thoaria screeched. "How is that a relevant response, you skinny she-woman?!"
"Why is Wally a womanizer?! Where's my cute, shy, sickly, always-tries-his best Wally?! Authors, really?" I didn't print all those pictures and frame them on my desk for nothing. And stalk him using my Dex Nav and the internet...
"It is legitimate if I want it to be. I'm sick; I want things no little boy should know about, like dat ass."
"And my foot in your crotch," I muttered. Wasn't the first time I'd kicked that place. Wouldn't be the last, either.
"Kinky," he whistled.
"Not like that!" I spluttered. "I was implying I would" -I realized it would be worse if I continued that sentence and veered off track- "Dammit, where's the real Wally?"
"I know you want it," Wally sang. The fourth wall flickered and gave up. "You're a good girl~!"
"Norman, why is Wally here? Isn't this the part where he needs help catching a Pokémon?"
"I was going to set up my daughter...," he explained. Hell no. Thoaria and this Wally thing?
"Oh, that is nice," she mumbled. Appreciate the sentiment, not your father's choice in guys.
"...Good-Thoaria," he continued.
"Fuck you, dad."
"Welcome to the asshole Father's Club," I announced proudly.
"At least she has a father," Noah said.
I stared at him. "I'm sorry to hit upon your inferiority complex. But is someone who treats you like shit actually that good?"
"It's better than nothing."
"There are worse things than nothing. Oblivion is both the beginning and end."
"That was really philosophical." Thoaria looked surprised, as if she didn't know I could think deeply.
"You know who else is a philosopher? My dick. It is constantly thinking about your pussies." Wally had to open his mouth.
"I want my Wally back," I said. "We need to do something about this problem."
"How about I castrate you?! How do you feel about that?!" Thoaria glared at him.
"Kinky," he replied, raising his eyebrows.
Right. I released my cute, world destroying Ralts. She was a female this time. "Ree, go! Confusion!"
Ree turned to Wally and momentarily purple light washed over everything, hiding the dingy wooden walls and casting long shadows over everyone's faces.
"That is surprisingly genius. He'll be confused about his actions and behave correctly."
"Don't underestimate me. I'm the prof's kid."
"The only thing I'm confused about is who I should make love to first!" Ree's attack hadn't even dented him. The pervert was at too much of a high level.
Noah was LHAO.
"Starfire~," Thoaria said sweetly. "I think some Ember is needed. Why don't you join the party as well, Raven? Confusion!"
"Oh, Hibiscus, Absorb~. Ree needs a friend to help her play with this asshole~."
"OOH," Wally said, just before he was hit with a barrage of attacks. "Pokephilia? Kinky..."
"And we're blasting off again! Because that's logical!" Wally and Team Rocket yelled, creating a hole in the Gym's roof.
"Don't question it. How is this asshole still alive?! Isn't he sick?!" I return Ree and Hibiscus to their Pokéballs.
"I don't know," Noah said, breath heaving and rolling on the floor.
"I miss the real Wally." I sighed.
"WOULD THE REAL WALLY PLEASE STAND UP?" Noah said grandly, finally forcing himself into a standing position.
Norman's Slaking raised its head from where it had been lounging with a grunt.
"His name is Good-Wally!" Norman said.
"Back off. I meant the human version. The one in the games."
"Well, I'm standing. But I'm not Wally," Noah told me.
Thoaria added, "I'm standing too... But I'm not either."
No dip, Sherlocks.
"I can be your Wally, little lady," Norman whispered, inching closer to where I stood.
"RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!" Noah screamed. That was my line! Oh well. I had others, too.
"You're friends with my dad, you pedophile," I retorted. "I'm fucking fourteen."
"I fuck fourteen too."
"Right. Ree, Confusion." Ree waved his arms and purple light surrounded Norman. He blinked.
"Why is my daughter giving me a hard on?"
Noah was out of commission by LHAO.
"Let's go, guys," I said.
"SHHHH!" Noah looked up at me in between bouts of laughter, trying to catch his breath. "I wanna see how Thoaria reacts."
"Die, mortal!" Lightning flashed around her, and rain whipped at us from the hole in the roof and the banging door. "I summon the power of thunder!"
Norman was blasted to a dark smear by thunder, a large, ashy pile replacing where he once was. There was an arcid tinge to the air, combined with the fresh scent that heralds the end of rain. Noah was open mouthed, gaping at the scene as the sun returned. Personally, I think blasting my dad to ashes is really cool.
"Well...I guess someone else will have to be the fifth gym leader. ...Looks like I have to! Inherited!" Thoaria held up a hammer triumphantly, cape fluttering behind her.
"I'm not dead," the pile of ash said. We turned to look at it. Norman rose from the ashes, recolored with soot. "Thank you, Good-Thoaria, that Wacan berry was helpful."
For those of you that don't know, Wacan berries weaken electricity's effects. The more you know~. "You might as well be dead," I said. "We like you better that way."
"I AM BACK!" Wally burst through the charred, splintered doorway.
"I used to adore you. Why are you even acting like this?" My creepy, insane meter was low. I had to refill at a bakery soon.
"I love all the ladies." Wally winked. I swore I saw Inigo and Virion in the background, proudly patting his shoulders. Inigo fingered the ring in his ear, and I glared at him before turning back to Wally.
"Well, I diagnose you're acting this way because you're scared of the fact you might die at any moment! That it's because you're lonely and you need a friend." Did I believe that? No idea. But I really needed some chocolate.
"Or I love all of the ladies and use that as an excuse to get laid."
"I refuse to believe it!" Because I was lovesick (doubtful) and this story needs angst and teenage drama. I might as well provide it. "I know you're good somewhere deep down."
"Or he is overcompensating for the fact he might be gay," Noah said thoughtfully, rubbing his chin.
"Noah, don't say that."
"Or maybe the Plegians are coming to murrduuuuur us!" This was from another girl who looked liked Thoaria, but had on the clothes of some sort of healer in some sort of game. She had randomly appeared in a poof of smoke.
"Wait, maybe Henry is with the Plegians?! We could murder people together!" Henry was my other adorable hubby.
"Wrong fic, Erin," Noah said.
"Shaddup." Erin gave me a doughnut, and I devoured it. Chocolate frosting and soft dough... Mm...
"Who are you? Why do we look the same?" Thoaria was reaching for my baseball bat, propped up on the Gym wall because of reasons.
"That is the question of the day, isn't it?" Erin vanishes, fading from view.
"My dick is confused," Wally inserts. "My head says it's wrong, but my dick says this is soooooo right!"
"You!" I point a finger at him. "Ree, Confusion! I'm helping you catch a Pokémon and maybe then we'll see a flicker of humanity in you!"
"You wanna fuck in the bushes, then?" Wally shrugged. "I'm game."
"No! You're getting a Ralts!" I grab my baseball bat and clonked him on the head until he passed out. Then using some Escape Rope, I quickly tied him up and dragged him away by his feet. His head snagged on pebbles and smudged with dirt as the others shrugged and Thoaria tried to summon the power of Arceus.
"Kinky," Wally murmured in his sleep. I dragged him to that route 1-0- Something and dumped him unceremoniously on the ground. Tailows chirped around us and the waist high grass rustled. A gentle breeze whispered to the trees and I sat down, savoring the warmth of the sun.
"It'll be fine, guys," I yelled to my friends (?) and Pokémon. I then turned my attention to the problem at hand. "Wake up, you."
"Wha-?" He looks up at me with a sleepy smile, grass casting shadows on his face. Aw, he looked sort of cute. "This is kinky. You're into this sort of stuff? I'm fine with it, as long as we switch positions later."
I stand. "THOARIA! I NEED TO BORROW STARFIRE!"
Thoaria trudged out of the Gym and stood in the doorway, grumpily sending out Starfire. "Burn his dick and make it wrinkly like an old dude's."
I consider it. "I would, but I think he's crazy enough to like that."
"That does sound good." Wally's voice drifted from below in the tall grass. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to stand up around him when he was laying on the ground like that. Thoaria turned and went back into the Gym, screaming about Morgan Freeman.
"Here's a Pokéball. We're in tall grass." Understatement. "Go walk around and if you run into something, catch it."
"If I run into you, will you become my Pokémon? I am a heavy hand with punishment." I sat down, and Wally shifted up to huddle uncomfortably close. I shoved him away.
"Dude how old are you?!"
"Thirteen."
"I'm fourteen, but you don't see me trying to get laid. Even if I am dirty minded."
"Well, only six months to live, remember?" He gave me sad, doleful eyes. What he said wasn't even canon!
"I'd feel sorry for you, but eh. Not when you use it as a pity card and act as if I should now down to you because of that." I stared into his eyes, trying to see if I could spot any sign of emotion. But you cannot read eyes like they say you can. Also, his had these small flecks of gold amidst the brown, and they distracted me. I've never noticed them there before. Wait, what?
"You should bow down, but while you're down there, could you suck my dick?"
"Seriously, what is wrong with you?!" I turn my head to see something emerge from the grass. Once again, it was a Ralts. Because of game logic. "Look, a Pokémon. Go catch it."
Wally was facing the opposite way and scrunched his eyebrows in confusion. "A little girl? That isn't a Pokémon. That is a one night stand."
"WHAT?!" I look at where Wally was facing to see a five year old with pigtails skipping down the dirt path with a Skitty. I want a Skitty. "NO! The Ralts over there. Here, let me help." Because you are incompetent and will mess it up like everything else.
"Could you help with something else? It's pretty hard," Wally mused.
In response, I place a Pokéball in his hand and kick his legs to force him to stand up. Grabbing his skinny little she-man arm, I raised it and threw the ball for him, Wally releasing it from his hand. He only catches the Ralts because of Deus ex Machina, and I swear I could see the Ralts shudder before it went in as it sensed Wally's thoughts.
"Only time a girl is ever going to touch you," I said thoughtfully.
"Good thing you aren't a girl." Oh, really? "You're a beautiful woman."
I smile. "I was going to slap you. Now I'm going to knee you in the stomach. My ego does feel inflated though."
"Kinky... That isn't the only thing that has been inflated."
I keep my smile on my face as I knee him just a touch shy above his crotch, and drag him back by his feet again. I'm pretty sure he didn't mind being dragged by me, so I threw him down more forcefully than needed once we were at the Gym.
"Right. We'll probably see you again." Mauville rival battle, anyone? "But be good, DON'T TRY TO GET LAID, and train your Ralts. What are you going to name it?" I added as an afterthought.
"Dusty. After the most beautiful woman I have ever met."
"Copycat," Noah accused him.
"Am I blushing?" I was feeling this weird tingle and heat in my cheeks. "Oh Gods, I'm blushing." I slapped Wally, leaving behind a red mark on his cheek. "Now I feel better."
"That usually works," he said, wincing.
"Seriously? Don't try to win me over with flattery... Wait, that makes it sound like you can win me over. Dammit. Guys, let's go."
"I will consider it the challenge of my short remaining lifespan! Get laid with Dusty!"
"I am fourteen, bitch. I haven't even kissed anyone!"
"I was always into older girls." Were you?
I plaster another smile on my face as I slap him on the other cheek, knee him in the stomach and drag my friends by their shirt collars to the route outside Petalburg.
"Goodbye, my love," Wally coughed out.
"I ship it," Noah said after we were far away enough. A thin strand of golden sand stretched before us, lush greenery shaded by trees on the other.
"What'd I miss?" Thoaria popped up out of nowhere, eating jelly doughnuts.
I took one from her as Noah said, "My new OTP at work."
I took out my cool shades and stared at him, arms crossed. "Shut up, Noah. Don't do anything stupid, like give him my number. ...Shit. I shouldn't have said that."
"I'm calling it Wusty," Thoaria announced. I snuck in another doughnut. "Cutieshipping..."
"Too late," Noah said, typing something into his phone.
"LOOK! PEEKO!" 'Cause everyone loved him, right?
Ring! Noah put it on speakerphone.
"STEVEN! LISIA! No?" I sighed.
"Did someone say ~Steven~?" I swear I see cartoon red and pink hearts around Thoaria. "The dreamboat champion of the Pokémon League? Son of the head of the Devon Corporation?"
"Here is the next OTP," Noah said gravely. He had placed his phone in his pockets, all thoughts of his first OTP gone.
"Yup." I wiggled my eyebrows. "When we go to Granite Cave... We're shipping you guys. Theven. Graniteshipping."
I finished off the last jelly doughnut as Noah said, "Lots of dark places in there."
"But they changed it in the remakes. We need the Mach Bike to actually...," I said. No one was listening.
"I'm not even going to be mad at this." Thoaria sighed dreamily, roses blooming around her sparkling face. "WAIT. ...NO. Don't OOC him authors, please!"
"Ship him with Lisia as revenge." I push my large, red framed glasses up my nose. It was his turn.
"Hell, yes!"
"I surprisingly don't care." Shit. Power of oblivious boy hormones. "Let's move on, shall we?"
"Autobots, roll out!" Thoaria disappeared through the entrance of Petalburg Woods.
Petalburg Woods was surprisingly boring. Just your usual scatter of trainers who we demolished for EXP, and by this time, we all had some Pokémon from some of the other routes, though I didn't really use them. But my Tailow died and Noah's Olivia had a close call with a critical hit. One look at Raven, though, caused everyone to run away screaming.
There was this one Team Aqua grunt bothering this scientist with an obsession with Shroomish. We had choice but to save him, and it was a pretty interesting event until he sent out a Poochyena. You'd think the evil teams would learn but no. Crappy Pokemon forever.
At least Petalburg Woods was pretty, with large trees towering everywhere, and designed with muted shades of green. Flowers clustered at the very corners, and the sun created shifting patterns on the forest floor.
"Hey, the flower shop. I'm going to get a Wailmer Pail." I opened the door, greeted by an explosion of colorful flowers at every angle. Petals, leaves and water covered the floor, berries grew near every available window seat and people yelled orders out. There were refrigerators for climate controlled flowers, and I saw a Wailmer Pail and some berries lying on the floor. I picked them up, shrugged, and walked away.
"Berry planting is equal to easy contest wins," Noah was explaining to thin air, Thoaria having disappeared for, hopefully, more doughnuts.
"That's not true! There's also the talent round which makes up the majority of the points, and how much hearts you can rack up, and some moves that require the..."
"The only reasons I did contests was to get some idol ass," Noah interrupts.
"I will slap you if you turn into Wally. And we haven't been to Slateport yet, so there's no way you could have participated."
"I swear that only happens with fictional girls that happen to be my waifu."
"Rightttt. Olivia?"
"Yeah."
"Don't try."
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing! Hey, we should have almost reached Rustboro by now."
"Double battles up ahead!"
My phone rang, and I took it out and tapped on the screen. "... Noah, why does Wally have my number?"
"He seemed so pathetic! And he pulled the bro code!"
"You guys aren't even bros," Thoaria reminded him, appearing out of nowhere, handing me a Boston Creme.
"We kinda bonded over how much he obsessed over Lisia when he was younger. Use it to your advantage, Dusty."
"What advantage? And when does Wally look pathetic? And Lisia? Lisia?"
"All points of conversation, yes." Noah waved a hand at me, taking a strawberry doughnut with the other. "Get him off his balance."
I accepted the call, put it on speakerphone, and said, "Hi, Wally."
"Hello, beautiful."
"Lisia, huh?"
"Who told you that?!"
"And you aren't over it. How many times have you been to Slateport?"
"It was Verandenturf. And I may or may not masturbate to her picture. Want to watch?"
It wasn't important to worry about those sort of things and even him anymore. "I'm sorta disappointed. You actually made me like you a little. See ya. Thank Noah the next time you see him."
"WAIT!"
"Conversation: Over. Thoaria, Starfire."
"Seriously, that was a-"
"Ember! ~" Starfire chirped her approval as a small flame warped and melted the plastic and metal.
"I'm stupid. Now my phone is ruined!"
"I thought that would work better," Noah muttered, watching as I kicked the melted hunk into the river, where it vanished without a ripple.
"I'm not actually upset. ...maybe a little. But I dunno. I wanted to make him squirm a bit because of his actions," I admitted, watching the clouds drift by.
"Honestly, I did too."
"I SHIP IT!" Thoaria screamed. Was she shipping her Wusty or me and Noah?
"Hey look, Steven." Noah shaded his eyes from the glare of the sun.
"WHERE!?"
Noah rolled on the ground, dust collecting on his clothes as he LHAO.
"LISIA AND NOAH. NISIA. CONTESTSHIPPING. OOOHHH!" I yelled.
"Why?" Noah sat up.
"Even you need love~ SHIPS EVERYWHERE," Thoaria screamed.
"... You were just shipping me and Dusty a second ago..."
"THOARIA! We all know Noah belongs to Lisia."
"We all know how OOC everything is; how do we know Lisia and Steven won't be the same way?" Noah argued.
Morgan Freeman magic," I waved my hands as beds sang and rainbows sprouted from the ground.
"That's my thing!" Thoaria waved her hands and stopped my Morgan Freeman magic, bounding away.
"Uh, Noah?" We watched Thoaria bombard a random trainer with Raven and Starfire. "Can I ask you something? ... no, not that," I added as he began backing away slowly.
"Er... What?"
"It's not that either; you and Lisia forever. Was Wally, I dunno, ever a little genuine?"
"Genuine? He couldn't keep his eyes off of you."
"I need to rip out my heart. It's acting weirdly. Help me get a new one?" I sensed a but coming, and if my heart actually sped up for Wally... Damn.
"Of course, he was a little pervert, so that could mean anything." There was the but.
"True... Oh Gods, creepy thoughts. Eh, we'll see him in Mauville."
"Why am I still shipping Nusty?" Thoaria had returned from beating up the trainer.
"I don't care." Noah didn't care about anything involving ships.
"No, no," I insisted. "One moment you're all Wusty and then you're Nusty. Choose your ships. I refused to be shipped with Noah, by the way."
"I ship you will all the guys. Reverse harem, remember?"
"I have a reverse harem? Cool."
"So far, only Noah and Wally are in."
"The main girl always ends up with the jackass in the books. Nice guys finish last... Most of the time. Maybe we should change it to weak guys with no real motivation. They whine about how they have no chance, but they never do anything."
"I know what you mean," Noah said. By now, we were now sitting on the grassy bank of the river, watching the trainers watching us.
"I wonder if Wally really is over Lisia," I wondered. Noah and Thoaria shot each other understanding looks. "It's not like I'm jealous or I actually care. Shut up. I'm a tsundere now."
"I think he might be slightly confused," Noah added.
"I don't care about Wally. Who said I cared?" I turned my head away. "... Confused, how?"
"Sexually. He might be overcompensating with this posturing."
"R-right." I stare at him suspiciously. "I don't like the bro code. You're going to tell him everything."
"Like Thoaria said: We aren't bros."
"B-but!" That contradicts what you said before! You were lying to get one of your OTPs together?! "Rustboro City! Look! Let's go now, shall we?!"
"There are still trainers in the way." Noah said languidly.
"Shit."
"Most of them are female, right?"
"Yes..."
"You guys go on ahead. I'll distract them." Noah stood up and shrugged off his shirt, revealing a six pack (ew) and tanned skin. He jumped into the water, swimming lazily about on his backside, staring up at the sky.
"Shield your eyes. Cover your ears," Thoaria muttered to me as we started running past the crowd of female and gay trainers to the steel gates of Rustboro.
"I WANT HIM TO MAKE MY BABIES!" A random Lass yelled.
Welp, that's it! Stay tuned for chapter three. What did you guys think of this one? Our writing styles clash a lot but it's all part of the fun.