Chapter 11: Brilliance in Your Eyes

I'm slipping under.

I can almost catch up to Polina, I know I could if I weren't so fat and lazy. I think I'm going to throw up, but I don't know what could possibly still be in my stomach. Rose is holding me. This is odd. Why am I moving? Am I flying? Did I run fast enough to fly? Water? No water, thanks. Why are you yelling? It's cold outside. Why do people say 'a blanket of snow'? Blankets are warm, and there are several back in my room. I want all of them. Snow is cold. I'm indoors again. I feel sick again. Why am I here? Where is here? I need to run. Hands hold me down. This isn't heaven, is it? It better not be. I doubt I can go to heaven anyway, being the Alchemist traitor that I am. I don't think this is hell. Just floating. Maybe I'm halfway between heaven and hell. Walls are white like the snow. I know that voice. Rose? No, no juice, thanks. I haven't had a single calorie in… 65 hours now, and I am not about to quit, especially over something as stupid as juice. Why are you angry, Rose? You're not the one having juice shoved in your face.

Fight. Fight. Why? I don't want to. Adrian. Where is Adrian? I need him here. He would be sad, sad to see me like this. Yes, fight. Fight for Adrian. Fight for the only thing left in your life that is real. Okay, juice. Okay. Breathe. Fight breathe fight. Juice. Food? What? Think of it as air, just air. Maybe this will spike my metabolism just enough to take off another pound or so. That's all I need. Then I'll stop, I swear, I swear. And it's over. Rose, I don't know why you did that to me. That wasn't fighting. That was weak. I gave in. Fat. Lazy. I need to sleep. Go away.

I slipped under.

I opened my eyes and stared around the room groggily. White walls, white sheets, dim lights, a sleeping boy curled up in a chair… Adrian? I didn't even realize I said his name out loud until he was startled awake.

"Hello, sunshine. Welcome back to the land of the living." He smiled, lips held tight. "You gave us quite a scare."

I was suddenly really thirsty. "Can I have some water?" I asked. He got me a cup and watched me gulp it down. I almost asked what happened, but realized that I needed to get out of the clinic and into my own bed before anything bad could happen. I didn't entirely know what had happened, or how I got there, or how many classes I had just slept through, but I could figure it out later. "I'm ready to go back to my room now. Thanks for waiting. " I started to sit up. Before I could go anywhere, Dr. Olendzki swept into the room, followed by a Moroi woman I did not recognize.

"Sorry, sweetheart," said Adrian. He did look genuinely sorry, but I still considered fighting my way past him and the two women. I didn't know what was going on but I knew that I needed to get out of there. My head started spinning again the moment I stood up. Okay, time to sit back down, Sydney. Take a moment and gather your thoughts and then get out of here. This was all a misunderstanding.

"Sydney, how are you feeling?" Dr. Olendzki asked kindly. I wanted to cry.

"Fine, thank you. I'm sorry about what happened this morning. I didn't drink enough water before my workout and I got pretty dizzy. I'll be more careful in the future and it won't happen again. I feel better. What time is it? I can still get to my afternoon classes, right?"

"It's 11:00, but you're excused from classes for the rest of the day. I want you to stay here at least until after lunch."

"Lunch?" Definitely time to get out of here. I stood up. Adrian slid his arm around my waist and gently pulled me back down to sit on the edge of the bed with him. Dr. Olendzki looked grateful to have his help. I should have been worried that she would notice that we were more than just friends, but I didn't have the energy to care.

"Yes, Sage, lunch," Adrian said. "It's what people do at this time of day. I'll even join you." He pulled his legs up so that he sat cross-legged on the bed and grinned at me. "It'll be like a picnic!" Coming from anyone else, that would have felt like an insult to my intelligence, but Adrian looked genuinely excited by the idea of a picnic in a hospital room. I felt a little bit guilty about glaring at him, but I did it anyway.

"Sydney, I'm Nicolette, one of the Academy's counselors," said the tall Moroi woman. "We're really concerned about you. You're quite underweight and clearly unhealthy. Your blood sugar was dangerously low today. It's clear that something is really wrong, and we're here to help you."

"Thank you for your concern, but I was just dehydrated. I know I'm a little bit thinner than most people think I should be. I'll make more of an effort to eat larger meals. I've been so busy and I forget that when I'm training more, I need to eat more. I'm naturally thin. Fast metabolism, you know." As a Moroi, Nicolette should understand that. But she didn't.

"Sydney, we've seen issues like yours before, and we have a plan in place to help you. Are you ready to hear it?"

She was going to tell me anyway, so I stayed silent.

"Your training will be suspended until Dr. Olendzki decides that you're healthy enough to return to it. You may still attend your classes, live in your dorm room, and spend your free time however you choose, as long as you continue to make progress in treatment. Rose and Adrian have offered to supervise your meals and snacks when they can. If neither of them are available, or if you don't want to eat with them, you need to come to the clinic to be supervised. We'll start with this meal plan—" She handed me a piece of paper. "—and make adjustments based on what your body seems to need. You will meet with me twice a week for counseling."

"I'm 18," I pointed out. "What if I don't want to do any of this?"

Nicolette gave me an uneasy look. "Well, we can't force you to do anything, but we can't allow you to stay enrolled as a student in this condition if you're not in treatment. If things get worse and you need to be in a long-term treatment program, we can help you find one in the human world. But Sydney, please stay and work with us."

The look on Adrian's face nearly broke my heart. His eyes were pleading for me to stay, but he wasn't using an ounce of actual compulsion. He respected me and the seriousness of my situation enough to not try it. Even if I did leave, where would I go? I had gotten myself into a terrible situation, and now I had to work with it. My Alchemist training told me to stay calm when backed into a corner like this. For now, I could try to cooperate with them.

"Okay," I said. "I'll stay. But I hope this meal plan is reasonable."

"It is," Nicolette promised. "A human hospital or treatment center would insist on much more food. We want work with you, Sydney. Not against you."

My jaw dropped when I looked at the meal plan. That thing is reasonable? I flipped through it. Each day had a breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack. Food, all day every day.

As if she could read my mind, Nicolette spoke up. "Don't be overwhelmed by eating six times a day. It really will be easier on your mind and your body this way. And there are liquid supplements you can drink, similar to a smoothie, if you would like to replace one of your snacks with one of those. You do have a choice in this. We're not trying to take away all of your freedom."

I wasn't so sure about that.

I spent a long, boring day in the med clinic. Adrian brought me some homework to do. I was embarrassed to have cried in front of Rose that morning, so I willed myself to stay calm and focused on my homework. At 5:00, Dr. Olendzki cleared me to leave and sent me off to Adrian with just a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Apparently they had decided to go easy on me for the rest of the day.

"Where do you want to sit and eat?" he asked, leading me into his suite. "Table? It's buried under art supplies at the moment, but I could clear a place for you. You seem like an eat-at-the-table person."

His kindness made my eyes fill with tears. "Can we just sit in your bed?" I asked. He agreed that that would be a good idea. I was happy that I had finally gotten to shower after my morning run and my day in the clinic. I pulled off my sweatpants and climbed into Adrian's bed with him, curling up next to him in my Amberwood t-shirt and light blue cotton underwear. He drew me close to him in the bed, breathing in the scent of shampoo in my wet hair. I buried my head in his chest, filling my nose with the fresh scent of his cologne and resting my face against the soft cotton of his t-shirt. We froze that way, quietly lost in each other, all smells and textures, heartbeats and habits and the terrifying knowledge that we couldn't stay there forever.

Adrian put his hands on my cheeks, pressing my soft, layered hair to them. I pulled back so we could look at each other. "My beautiful girl," he murmured, soaking in the sight of me. "I wish I could give you a mirror that would only show you how I see you."

"What would I see?" I asked.

He studied me. "Brilliance," he answered. "A soft-spoken girl with a heart of gold who has no idea how brightly she shines. Eyes that have lost their sparkle but not their depth. That sparkle will come back to them. She's just a little lost right now, that's all."

"I'd show you brilliance too. A green-eyed boy who pushes back his own darkness to bring light to everyone he meets. He gets lost sometimes too. I'd show him lips that hold far too many cigarettes but are still soft enough to brush mine and leave me breathless and weightless."

Oh, those lips. They closed in on mine and the events of the day rolled away like the tide. This kiss was sweet, then turned fiery, giving me a head rush that felt even better than an empty stomach. I straddled him and smoothed his messy black hair, still kissing furiously. He slid his hand down my back, resting it on my thigh.

"We can't," he murmured when I came up for breath. "Not tonight. Not like this."

He was right. I rolled over, still leaning my head against his shoulder.

"Come on, sweetheart," he said. "It's almost 7. You have a sandwich to eat." He retrieved it from the nightstand and unraveled the plastic wrap that coated it, as though I were too young to do it myself. We sat in silence for the next half hour as he pulled the sandwich apart into bite-size pieces, one at a time, letting me take a break whenever I needed to. When it was over, he kissed the top of my head. It was early in the evening, but I was suddenly exhausted.

"Can I rest here for a little while?" I whispered into his chest.

"Of course," he answered. I closed my eyes and started drifting away. The darkness got darker when I heard him click off the light. I hovered there, my breathing heavy but my mind not quite asleep. Through my twilight haze, I heard him softly say, "I love you."

Author's Note: Isn't Adrian the best? I wish I had had someone like him when I was going through what Sydney is going through! The next chapter (mostly Rose and Adrian) is one I've been looking forward to writing for awhile now. And the one after that, with Sydney and Adrian? That will definitely be fun to write. ;)