Keeping Holding On

Hermione went straight to her room and put the folder back in the beaded bag. She sat down on her bed, hugging a pillow, remembering it all like it was yesterday.

"What do you mean dead?" Hermione wanted to yell harder but she was so weak her voice was strained and cracked. "He wasn't there, I know he wasn't there."

"You were unconscious," Ginny sniffed. "The Order arrived to help fight, Sirius was with them. Bellatrix did it, she killed him."

"No," Hermione shook her head. "NO! He can't be gone!" She touched the necklace around her neck, fingering the starburst pendant she had gotten from him on Christmas. 'I never did get to say thank you properly for saving my life,' his card read, 'so here's a little something for the brightest and prettiest witch of her age. You'll always be a star Hermione.' "We didn't save you this time Sirius," she sobbed and once she started she couldn't stop. Ginny gave Neville a meaningful look and the boy nodded and left. Ginny sat next to her friend, soothing her and brushing away the tears. Sirius had been their brother in that house even though Ginny had several and Hermione had Ron and Harry, he earned a special place in their hearts.

There was knock at her door and Hermione hastily tried to clean herself up. "Come in."

It was Sirius. "Hey, are you alright? You took off pretty quickly."

"Yeah I'm fine," Hermione assured him. "In fact, it's good I've got you alone, Harry sent this for you." She pulled out of her back pocket a note and gave it to Sirius. "He said it was for your eyes only."

Dear Sirius,

I am so sorry, no matter what anyone tells me I'll always feel like it was my fault for what happened to you. I should have been more cautious and patient. My only excuse is that I was so scared of losing you after only just getting you back. I was stupid and I made a horrible mistake and it cost you your life. I can only hope you can forgive me. That summer without you, I missed our letters so much. What I would have given to get one more tropical bird on my window sill… Every day I woke up hoping it was all a bad dream, one time I even wrote an entire letter to you before I realised I couldn't send it. Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I love you and I have missed you every single day since the battle. I didn't get to know my parents but I knew you, you were closest thing I had to a brother and a father, and with you gone I just felt so alone. Forgive me Sirius, I'm sorry and again I love you.

Love,
Harry

Sirius folded the note gently, "I don't blame him. If it were me, I would have flown anywhere to save him."

"I'm sorry we couldn't save you Sirius that time," Hermione finally got to say it. Sirius just looked at her then pulled her into a fierce hug.

Downstairs the others sat staring into space. The easy acceptance that they started with had ebbed away. Everything seemed so much harder. Lily held James who was in still free fall at the sudden death of his best friend. Neither of them could even begin to fathom what lay ahead for their son. But this was the chance to help them, they had to remember that this was the future and they could – and would – change this. Remus was steps away from asking Mya to stop, not to tell them anymore but they were in too deep. It wasn't as if he could forget everything he already heard. The only thing that sustained him now was fixing this so they had to see it through. Then the clock chimed and McGonagall started, "Albus we must get going."

"Yes, of course," Dumbledore got up. With nods, to those remaining in the living room they disappeared in a flash of green flames.

Reappearing in the headmaster's office, Dumbledore and McGonagall dusted themselves off. "So," McGonagall pursed her lips. "Loses its novelty does it?"

"My dear Minerva, do not tell me you are still brooding over that comment given everything we've heard?"

"Of course not," McGonagall shook out her robes. "But it was a better way of opening conversation than 'So Black's dead now'." She stopped abruptly, slowly straightening with a faraway look, "Those are my students Albus."

"As they are mine Minerva," Albus took a seat at his desk. "We are fretting about just hearing it, Ms. Granger has had the misfortune of actually living it."

"That poor girl," Minerva stood behind of the chairs facing his desk. "The horrors she must've seen in her young life. Been to battle at only fifteen, took a curse to the chest and she talks about it like it's nothing."

"It is only the beginning, we are now getting to the war fully which mean the horrors will undoubtedly increase, the deaths too." Fawkes fluttered down to sit on Dumbledore's knee, the old man stroked the bird's feathers. "Fawkes my old friend, there are some things that even phoenix tears can't heal."

"But we wish they could," Minerva sighed. "I must go check on the tower and get through some more grading." She strode briskly to the door, opened it but paused and looked back at Dumbledore, "Albus? I have already been attacked once but if -"

"No Minerva," Dumbledore cut across her. "Hope is not lost, Ms. Granger's whole purpose is to give a chance to fix our errors. If anything we should be more hopeful than ever for this rare opportunity."

McGonagall opened her mouth to say something further but stopped herself and nodded. "Alright Albus, just remember – even after the ashes."

Dumbledore gave her small smile perhaps tinged with the barest amount of sadness, "Even after the ashes."