Author's Note: This chapter may be triggering to readers with eating disorders. It briefly mentions specific behaviors that Sydney uses in treatment. If this will be harmful to you, please take care of yourself and skip at least the first two paragraphs and go straight to the first line of dialogue. All that really happens before that is Sydney and Adrian walking back to her room, where he opens her closet door. The rest is just Sydney's thoughts. Those thoughts help to describe Sydney's reality to those who have not been through anything similar, but they are not crucial to the plot and can easily be skipped. Thanks! –E

Chapter 14: Like Water

Adrian and Rose. Adrian and Rose together, in a hotel room, on a secret trip. I didn't think I had anything to worry about, and I'm not the clingy type of girl anyway. But the circumstances were suspicious. Mostly, I was just miffed that they hadn't even bothered to tell me where they were going. At least I took full advantage of their little adventure and managed to skip an entire day's meals and go to the gym. Doing aerobics in my room every day was getting a little boring. I checked my weight before I left—my real weight, not the one I faked for my weigh-ins at the clinic twice a week. Before those, I always hid ankle weights under my pants and chugged enough water to make them think I had gained several pounds since starting their treatment plan, when in reality I had managed to lose a few. Adrian and Rose are lucky that the scale showed me a nice number right before I left for Missoula, or the car ride could have been a lot less pleasant for them.

When we got back to campus, Adrian took my arm and led me towards my own dorm, not to his. I was confused, but not too concerned. Maybe he just wanted to head in a different direction because Rose was going to guest housing. But he insisted on going all the way to my place. When we got to my room, I locked the door behind us and kicked off my shoes. I was about to ask Adrian to do the same, because he was tracking slush everywhere and I couldn't handle that. But he already had my closet door open and was going through my stuff.

"What are you doing?" I yelped. "Adrian! That's my closet! Get out of there!"

But he pulled out my scale. "What is this, Sage? You're not supposed to have this." His anger escalated quickly. "You want a scale? Fine! Have a fucking scale. Get over here and stand on it. I need to see the number. The real number."

"That is none of your business!" I said indignantly.

"You made it my business when you started forging my signature on your meal plans. I don't know what else you're lying about and I can't get a straight answer out of you. I can't trust you, and that is not okay in a relationship. Come over here. Now."

Oh. He knew about the signatures. This was not going to end well. I took a deep breath and stepped on the scale. As soon as he saw the number and it registered in his mind, Adrian turned away. When he turned around again, the anger was gone and his eyes were filled with tears.

"Why do you do this to me, Sage?" he whispered. "I love you. I love you, and that scares the hell out of me. Look at yourself. No, really look at yourself." He spun my shoulders around so that I faced the mirror. "See why I always think I'm going to lose you? See why I feel like I already have?"

I stared at my reflection and caught my own eyes. Dark circles broke through my concealer. My hair was thin and wispy. My skin was porcelain white with the slightest hint of yellow. I had never seen someone so sad—nobody except the man standing behind me.

I turned to face him again. "I see it," I said softly. "I see what you see now. Not the good part… but the dying part." The expression on his face nearly brought me to tears too. "But I see it in you, too. Your heart and lungs and liver must be screaming just as loudly as my stomach and my muscles are. We're too young for this."

He nodded gravely. "We're quite a pair, aren't we, my beautiful girl? A Moroi, a human, and a whole lot of misery. Love isn't enough. I'm not going to pretend that we can save each other. But it's a start."

Tears stung at my eyes. "Yes. Yes it is." We looked at each other with more vulnerability and honesty than I would ever have thought possible. Something shifted between us, like a wall of secrets crumbling. I don't know which one of us lunged for the other's lips first. We were so in sync that it might have been a tie. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he picked me up and wrapped my thighs around his torso. My back hit the wall with a thud as he pressed me against it and kissed me furiously.

Suddenly, he pulled away. "Should we, you know… talk about this?"

I grinned. "I think we've done enough talking for one day."

"But—"

"Adrian. What are you waiting for, the perfect time for my first time? Candlelight and a big, comfy bed? That's sweet, but that's not how it works. We're not the only ones dying. Everyone in this world is a little closer to dying with each passing minute. So we can wait until every little detail is perfect and risk losing the moment, or we can just do this. Time and place don't matter. Only the person does. And Adrian, I love you. I love you like I've never loved anyone before. I didn't know it was possible to love someone like this. Now are we going to do this thing or not?"

"You love me?"

"I love you."

He spun me around. "Say it again?" His eyes were alive again.

I laughed. "I love you, I love you, I love—"

His lips clung to mine. He took a step backwards and sat down on my twin bed, still holding me. I could feel him getting hard against my thigh, and I pushed him onto his back. We started unbuttoning each other's shirts at the same time, laughing when we got in each other's way. He couldn't wait to get me out of mine, and flung it over my head with the last two buttons still closed. This time, he didn't comment on my ribs. My problem has gotten pretty bad. I know it, he knows it, and I am still beautiful to him. The truth shall set you free.

I leaned forward to kiss his neck as he unclasped my pale pink bra and let it fall to the floor. I realized that my belt pressing into his erection couldn't be comfortable, and I hurried to take it off. He was quite happy to help, and he pulled my pants off without even unbuttoning them, then his own. My cotton bikini-cut panties, light pink to match the bra, hung loosely on my hipbones, and he easily slipped his pointer finger under the waistband. I was glad that I had thought to shave that morning, even though I had no idea he would be touching me there today. I gasped at the light touch of his fingers in exactly the right place, and he smiled.

"Good, right?" he asked, rubbing me in small circles, then up and down. When I was wet enough, he slid two fingers inside me, getting me accustomed to the feeling, never breaking the rhythm.

"Yes," I said breathlessly. He pulled his fingers out of me, giving my body a moment to settle down again. I eased his boxers down over his legs and took him into my mouth. I followed his lead, doing more of what made him moan louder. The dorm walls were paper thin, and I momentarily worried that others might hear. Good. Let them hear. Unexpectedly, the thought turned me on. I turned out to be pretty good with my tongue.

"Sydney, I can't hold out much longer," Adrian said after awhile. "Do you want to do this? Are you sure?"

I smiled. "Yes."

He leaned over, picked up his jeans, and reached into the pocket for his wallet. Thankfully, he had a condom in it.

I wanted to be quiet when he entered me, but I couldn't help but gasp at the pain. He pulled out quickly. I had wanted to avoid that.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Here, let me get you really wet again," he suggested. "It'll help." He touched me until my breathing grew faster, then slowly removed his fingers and entered me again. He thrusted, still being relatively gentle. It was much easier the second time, and I loved the thrill of it. I had never even touched myself. Every sensation was new to me. He took his time, making sure I was comfortable and happy. I was lost in bliss I had never felt before. Adrian held me delicately, keeping me on top. I think he was afraid of breaking me, but I doubted I could feel any pain at all in this state.

My first orgasm hit me hard. I felt it building in me, then my body hit a wall of pleasure like a wave crashing against a rock. I covered my mouth to keep from screaming, arching my back as the pleasure rolled through me. I lay there, tingling all over, breathing hard.

"What was that?" I asked.

Adrian cracked up, moving slower inside me now. "First one? Maybe feeling it again would help you understand it."

"I'm studying orgasms now?"

"Studying is what you do best, right?" He picked up the pace again, and I felt my muscles contract against him. Best teacher ever. When the second one hit, I curled my toes and tightened every muscle in my body, making the sensations even more intense. My reaction seemed to turn him on even more, and moments later, I felt him climax too. I could tell that it was killing him to stay quiet. Next time—which I hoped would be soon—we'd have to go to his place so we didn't have to be so quiet.

"Oh, wow," he said, pulling out and tossing the condom into the trash can next to my desk. I lay down next to him and contorted my body to fit his, pressed up against him. One of his hands was resting on my head, and the other was curled around the inside of my thigh. "That was—thank you, beautiful."

We were both sleepy from the long day and night. It took a lot for me to keep warm these days, with so little body fat, and I was shivering. He pulled the blankets up over both of us. "You should get dressed again," he said quietly, worriedly. "You're freezing."

"Just hold me," I whispered. "I'll be okay." And I was. The peaceful bliss wouldn't last, I knew, but it was real. And in that moment, it was all that mattered.

Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed Sydney's first time half as much as she did! The chapter title is from "The Other Side of the World" by KT Tunstall. I recently read a guest blog post in which Richelle Mead talked about the songs that reminded her of several characters. The first stanza of this song reminds her of Sydney. I listened to it while writing much of this chapter.