Chapter 14 – Love
Carlisle sat with me the rest of the day and comforted me when I cried. Emmett brought me food and begged me to eat. Just after dinner time, Alice came and talked to me about how the funeral was going to go.
"Charlie had a will." Alice explained. "It expressed his wishes to donate his body to science because he wanted to help people even in his death.
"Unfortunately, given the nature of his death, we had to forge a will stating his wishes to be cremated. I'm so very sorry." She apologized.
"It's not your fault, Alice." I reached out to touch her, but Jasper whisked her away from my reach.
"Don't." He chastised me. "Your grief is all you can bear right now. I'm afraid any more might give you a heart attack."
"Sorry." I looked down. A thought struck me. "You never told me exactly what happened or what the official story was."
I looked at Carlisle for an explanation, but he looked like he didn't want to upset me further by telling me the story. He nodded his head to Alice, and she took a deep breath before filling me in.
"Charlie was out in the woods searching for clues as to why hikers had been going missing with one of his friends from La Push, Harry Clearwater, I believe." Alice explained. "Laurent killed Charlie in front of his friend by draining him. He and Victoria coordinated so that we wouldn't have time to stop them."
"Did Victoria drink from my mom too? Is that why she and Phil had closed caskets?" I wondered.
"No, your mom wasn't as lucky." Jasper told me. "Victoria…"
I could tell what he was trying not to say was that Victoria had made my mom suffer. I broke down in a new wave of hysterics.
"We're trying to track them, Bella." Edward assured me fervently. He was very angry. I could also tell that he blamed himself for not being able to stop them. "They will have to answer to us for what they've done to you."
I cried on Carlisle's shoulder for a very long time. It took me awhile to calm down enough to listen again.
"I got a call from Sam Uley just after Alice called, telling me exactly what had happened." Carlisle picked up where Alice had left off. "He had gotten to your father just a little too late. Your father was drained, but Harry was safe. Unfortunately, Laurent got away. Sam staged the scene to make it look like a heart attack and asked me to fake an autopsy. I promise, I was as respectful as I could be."
I nodded, never doubting that he would treat my dad with the utmost care.
"I met Sam in the forest with your father. We discussed the best course of action and ultimately decided to opt for cremation because of the giant visible teeth marks on his neck and because we couldn't have his body donated for science when it had absolutely no blood in it." Carlisle explained. "We would have consulted you, but Alice told us you weren't in any state to make that decision."
I was sure that he had done the right thing, but I was mostly disappointed with myself for not being strong enough to make that decision. Once again, I was reminded that I was the weakest link.
"No one thinks you're weak." Jasper scolded my self-hatred.
Except for me.
Jasper shook his head at me. I looked away from him and tried to control my emotions.
"How did you do the autopsy so quickly and still make it in time to meet us in Jacksonville?" I wondered.
"You landed in Jacksonville just over nine hours after Alice called me, but I was already back in Forks when they called me." Carlisle explained. "Our hunting trip didn't go as smoothly as we had hoped."
"I'm sorry to hear that." I sympathized with him, searching for an explanation.
"There were some problems…" Jasper started to say but trailed off, looking at Edward.
"For the last time, I did not ask those… succubi to meet us there." Edward growled at Jasper. "I have no idea why they showed up."
"I think it's actually my fault." Rosalie admitted, looking very ashamed. "I knew how much you all missed Eleazar, and how much Eleazar probably wanted to get a break from the women. I called and told him your plans, hoping he could meet you there and surprise you. One of the ladies must have overheard and took the opportunity to try to seduce Carlisle."
"What?" I was sure I didn't hear her correctly.
"The Denali coven," Rosalie explained, "you know, Tanya, Kate, Irina, Carmen, and Eleazar? The other group of vegetarian vampires."
"They want to seduce Carlisle?" I looked back at him for an explanation.
"Well, not Carmen, she's with Eleazar." He looked sheepishly at me. "But Tanya, Kate, and Irina… they have been trying to…"
"Get their 'freak on' with you?" Emmett offered, laughing.
"Yes, to put it crudely." Carlisle scowled at him before turning to me to explain. "For a few hundred years, they have taken every opportunity to proposition me, but I have turned them down every time."
"Apparently, they can't take a hint." I mumbled.
"No, not really." Emmett laughed. "They are used to getting whatever they want. They are, in fact, the original succubi. Who knows how many hundreds of thousands of men those three have been with? It's actually pretty disturbing when you think about it."
"So, when they showed up and started in on me, I left." Carlisle told me. "The Denali ladies don't care that we're dating. To them, unless we're intimate, the relationship isn't real, and they won't believe we're intimate unless they actually smell you on me or me on you since I refuse to give them details. The others stayed out of politeness, but since our relationship is so new, I didn't want to give you any reason to doubt me."
"Why would I doubt you?" I was a bit hurt that he thought so little of me. "I know that you have excellent self-control. It doesn't make much since to think that even though you'd been denying them for hundreds of years, you would jump into bed with them now that we are dating."
"Of course, you're right, my dear, but not many women are as wonderfully secure as you are. I suppose the real reason I left was because they make me uncomfortable." He admitted.
"So you missed a nice week with your friend and your sons because those three… ladies were making you uncomfortable?" I felt the ire rising inside me over these three succubi. "They ruined your vacation."
"Yes, my darling." He looked very sad.
I hadn't been mad or jealous or anything over these ladies flirting with Carlisle. Their flirtatiousness didn't have anything to do with me. I knew that Carlisle would never entertain the thought of cheating on me. It only made them seem sad that they would try over and over to seduce him when he had plainly told them, no, for several hundred years. I was mad because they were hurting him. I could feel the hurt radiating from him, and I reached out to absorb it, but he dodged me. I still felt the need to help him get rid of some of his pain, so I did the only other thing I knew to do.
"Give me your phone." I held out my hand and waited until he gave it to me.
I scrolled until I found Tanya's information and dialed hit the dial button.
She picked up immediately. "Carlisle, hello. I've been hoping to hear from you." She was very flirty even saying normal stuff. I was a bit appalled that she could make that simple statement sound dirty.
"No, this is Bella Swan." I corrected her angrily. "I've just called to tell you to…"
"Stay away from your man?" She interrupted laughing.
"No, I would never do that." I countered. "I wanted to tell you and your sisters to control yourselves around Carlisle, or you will not be welcome to see him anymore."
"That sounds an awful lot like, stay away from your man." She teased.
"No, it's more of a stop being selfish bitches." I growled at her earning gasps from several vampires around the room. "I'm not stupid. Carlisle is insanely attractive. Women are going to flirt with Carlisle, and that has nothing to do with me until it starts to hurt him. I would have never called you over simple flirting. I called you because the three of you ruined his week away with his sons and prevented him from having a good time with Eleazar. I suspect that no one has any idea how much pain you've caused him over the years." I looked over at him, and he ducked his head away. Yes, he had been holding in all of the hurt, and not even Jasper was aware how deeply the three harpy bitches had wounded my Carlisle. "I'm telling you right now that will not happen again. My family may be too polite to tell you, but if the three of you can't control yourselves, Eleazar and Carmen will be welcome to visit, but you will not be."
"I'm sorry, Bella." Tanya's voice lost some of her confidence, and she actually sounded sincere. "I never thought of it that way. We never saw what we were doing as damaging Carlisle's relationship with my family. I promise that we'll control ourselves from now on."
"Thank you." I sighed in appreciation.
"May I please apologize in person to Carlisle?" She asked, and I handed the phone to him.
I didn't hear what she said to him, but whatever it is made him smile, so it must have been good.
"I appreciate that." The pain was fading out of him. I could both hear it in his voice and feel it diminishing. "You're right. She is wonderful. Goodbye."
I was about to ask Carlisle if he was upset with me for being harsh with his friend when he took my face in his hands and kissed me passionately on the lips.
"Thank you, my darling." He breathed against my mouth.
"Mmhmm." I mumbled back at him unable to say anything more while he was kissing me.
Edward cleared his throat to try to get us to cool it, but we paid him no attention.
"Anyway, back to the funeral." Alice said more loudly than normal to get our attention.
We straightened up and focused back on what Alice was telling us.
"Reverend Webber has agreed to give the eulogy." She explained. "He knows that you aren't going to say anything, and actually was a bit horrified that the minister at your mom's funeral put you on the spot.
"Since your dad was technically on duty when he was killed, he will be getting a category one funeral which means the highest honor with all the formality and ceremony. It will be held in the school gymnasium to accommodate all of the people who will be attending, including the governor of Washington and our congressman." Alice told me hesitantly.
"Okay." I was feeling like I was going numb again. I didn't know how I was going to get through the funeral. It was going to hurt so badly, in some ways much more than my mother's. It was only made worse by the fact that I knew that I couldn't lean on Carlisle for this. It would raise too many questions. If I was going to make it through tomorrow, I would have to do it in zombie mode.
"Stay with us, Bella." Jasper begged. "Don't slip away again.
"It's too much." I whimpered. "I'm not strong enough."
"You are." Carlisle told me.
"I'll try." I whimpered, nodding. For him, I would try to be strong.
"We ran into a rather large problem concerning the fake will." Alice continued, looking very nervous about what she was going to say.
I became extremely anxious as to what she was going to say, but she didn't continue. Instead, Jasper cleared his throat. I met his remorseful gaze.
"I'm mighty sorry, Bella, but I thought your dad would like to rest on the lake where he loved to fish." Jasper told me, apologetically, though I didn't know why.
"That sounds about right." I nodded.
"I had no idea about your fear of water when I wrote the will…" Jasper went on. "But I added a request that you scatter the ashes from the pier."
"Oh, no, no, no!" I shook my head frantically and felt my dinner coming back up. I bolted for the bathroom and threw up.
Carlisle had a cool washcloth waiting for me and wiped my face with it.
"I can't do this." I cried softly, defeated. "I don't know how."
Carlisle carried me back to the living room. I shook with fear the whole way.
"Alice and I can walk with you if you like." Rosalie offered.
I gripped Carlisle tighter. I wanted so badly for him to be able to help me do this, but I understood that would never happen. I felt awful for even wanting it. I hadn't wanted to tell my parents about Carlisle, and now that they were dead I actually wanted him to comfort me at my father's funeral. That was about as selfish a thing as I could imagine.
"Whatever thought is making you have such a low opinion of yourself can't be right, Bella." Jasper tried to comfort me. "You are absolutely the most selfless person I know."
I waffled back and forth for awhile before Alice interrupted me. I must have at least briefly decided to tell him because she seemed to know what I was going to say.
"Don't be an idiot, Bella. Your parents wouldn't want you to be hurting this way." Alice scolded me. "Just ask him."
There was no way I could put him through that kind of decision. If he comforted me to make me feel better, he would suffer. I knew that his coworkers and bosses might think badly of him if it was known that he was dating a high school student that his son used to date. I couldn't bear the thought of hurting him. I decided to keep this pain to myself.
I saw Jasper looking at me strangely and Edward shaking his head in amusement.
"You're not going to ask him, are you?" Edward almost laughed at me, but his eyes didn't show the humor that his voice held. He looked hopeful about something.
"I don't think I can." I answered, but immediately wished I hadn't. Carlisle's face fell. I could see that he thought that I didn't trust him. I ended up hurting him because I was trying not to hurt him.
"I trust you, Carlisle." I started crying again. "I know that you will never hurt me… I'm just a little concerned that if I told you some things, you might choose what's best for me despite what it does to you."
I don't know what I expected Carlisle to do, but I certainly didn't expect him to burst into laughter. "You do realize that you've just described yourself to a tee, my darling?"
Everyone else laughed as well. Edward laughed as well, but there was something off about him.
"That's the funniest thing I've heard in a long time!" Alice was shaking with laughter.
"Will you please tell him?" Jasper asked, still chuckling a little.
"I… um…" I stammered. "Please don't think I'm selfish…"
"Wait." Carlisle's face lit up with realization. "You want me to publicly comfort you tomorrow?"
"Yes," I was ashamed. "I know it will cause you problems."
"What?" Carlisle asked me incredulously. "You didn't want to tell others about our relationship because of what you thought it would do to me?" He chuckled once, shook his head, and closed his eyes, then added, "Of course."
"Aren't you worried about that?" I asked him.
"No," he told me like it was the most obvious thing in the world, "I was worried about what it would do to you. This will be so much worse on you than it is on me."
"But your bosses, and your coworkers, won't they think less of you for dating a high school student?"
"I think not, my dear." He laughed once again. "You're eighteen, so legally and morally, we should be fine. Plus, you're extremely beautiful, my darling."
Edward looked a bit disappointed. I didn't know why. Jasper tried to silently contain his laughter. Emmett wasn't quite so modest. He guffawed so loudly the house shook.
"Bella," Rosalie laughed at me, "you are an idiot. I bet half of the guys in this town will line up to congratulate Carlisle for nailing you, and the other half will be insanely jealous of him."
I blushed at her explanation. I definitely wanted to… you know, but I wouldn't have put it so crudely.
"But won't they make comments about how you're robbing the cradle or maybe that you're a dirty old man?" I worried.
"First, thanks for that, my dear." Carlisle said, sarcastically. "Second, Emmett already tells me that and worse at least three times a day."
"I'm sorry. I never wanted anyone to think that about you. I don't think that about you." I put my head down in shame only to have Carlisle gently tip it back up so that I met his gaze.
"Don't." He softly scolded me. For some reason it made my insides tingle to hear him even slightly be authoritative with me. He waited until he was sure I was listening before continuing. "I don't care what any of them think, and I know that you don't think that of me. My only concern was what our relationship would do to your reputation."
"You don't think that every girl in my class would give anything to be in my position?" I giggled. "Do you have any idea how many times I've heard them refer to you as 'Doctor Do-Me-a-Little'?"
"What?" Carlisle was clearly embarrassed.
"That's not half as bad as what the boys think about you, Bella." Edward rolled his eyes. There was something going on with him. I wasn't sure what it was. I was kind of worried about what he might be stewing over.
I looked over to see if Jasper could give me any insight, but I don't think that he caught what I was wanting from him because he didn't really react.
"All of your classmates?" He wondered.
"You really don't know how attractive you are?" I twisted in his arms and gave him a quick peck on the lips.
"That doesn't sound familiar at all, does it?" Carlisle laughed at me, and kissed me back.
I giggled back at him.
"I see that you've decided to walk her to the shore, Carlisle." Alice broke us out of our private moment, effectively ruining it for me by reminding me of the upcoming horror of walking on the pier. "I can't see the funeral, so I don't know how that will go. I assume the wolf pack will be there. But I can see that you will both get some questions later on, so it's safe to say that you will get questions and staring tomorrow at the funeral."
"Maybe it would be better if I walked you to the shore." Edward suggested hopefully. "None of our classmates would think anything of that. They would probably just think we got back together over spring break."
I gripped Carlisle as tightly as I could. My heart was beating wildly in a near panic as I whispered, "Please don't let him."
"Don't be an idiot, Edward." Rosalie growled at him. Though she didn't what Edward had done, she did realize that this was a bad idea. "Why would she let you if she wouldn't let Alice and me?"
"Not him, not him." I begged Carlisle. "Please don't let him take me near the water."
"Of course not, my darling." Carlisle promised me, knowing exactly what I was afraid of.
"Alice saw them calling you nasty names." Edward argued. "They aren't going to be nice to you if you walk with him to the shore."
I assumed this already. They called me names when Edward and I were dating. I assumed it would only become worse with Carlisle. For one thing, I was dating my ex's father. That was a little weird, not that I cared about weird, but other people did. For another, more women were openly attracted to Carlisle since it would be strange even for the cougars to go after Edward.
Despite all of this, I knew the ridicule was something I could endure. The overwhelming grief and sadness, I could not. And I knew that I absolutely could not stand next to Edward on the dock. That was out of the question. I was starting to panic just thinking about it.
"No, Edward." I told him pathetically, but it was as forceful as I could muster. I was desperately hoping that Carlisle would have my back in this instance. I was in no shape to battle wills with Edward right now.
"Bella, listen…" Edward started to counter.
"No." Carlisle told him somewhat angrily, and I sighed in relief. "She made her position perfectly clear. She doesn't want you anywhere near her when she walks to the dock. Can you please respect that?"
"I'd like to speak with Bella in private." Edward told Carlisle emotionlessly. He probably sensed an easy win if he could just get me alone.
"Absolutely not." Jasper snarled at the same time Alice said angrily, "No."
I could tell that they both worried about what he would do to me if Edward got me alone.
"If you're worried about how devoted she is to Carlisle…" Edward looked at Alice and taunted her.
The bottom fell out of my stomach. Alice didn't want me to be alone with Edward, not because she saw him doing something inappropriate, but because she saw me doing something to hurt Carlisle. I started crying again and mumbling incoherent apologies to Carlisle who whispered assurances to me.
"That's not why we said no, and you know it!" Alice shouted. "You aren't making decisions, and I'm a little concerned about your motivations."
It relieved me to no end to know that Alice hadn't seen me doing something that would hurt Carlisle. It was Edward that was being difficult.
"And your emotions have been erratic." Jasper added.
"I need to talk to her." Edward insisted.
I was a bit curious about where this was going, but not so much that I would actually be alone with him. I was a bit terrified about it, to be honest. My mind was reeling with closets and begging him to let me out. He was behaving like a possessed man, and I didn't want to be alone with him.
"I trust you, my darling, but right now, I don't trust him. I would prefer that you weren't alone with him." Carlisle told me, not addressing Edward.
I grabbed his shirt tightly and whispered, "I don't want to talk to him right now."
"Bella, please…" Edward's voice sounded so desperate now.
"I'm sorry, Edward if you want to speak with me, you'll have to do it in front of everyone." I whispered.
"I promise I just want to talk to you." His voice was begging me.
"She said no," Carlisle answered for me.
"I swear, I wasn't going to do anything to you." Edward sounded desperate for me to believe him. "I just wanted my humiliation to be minimized."
"Could you give us some privacy?" I asked, speaking to Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, and Alice.
Carlisle started to get up as well. He looked positively crestfallen and terrified of what Edward was going to do to me.
"Please stay." I clung to him desperately. The others paused to make sure I was alright. "We can minimize his humiliation this way, but I don't think that I can trust him right now with the way he's been acting today."
Carlisle breathed a sigh of relief.
"Thank you," he whispered in my hair, "I would have respected your wishes, but it would have nearly killed me to leave you with him right now."
"I can't be… I mean, please don't let him put me in the closet." I shook as I thought of what he might do to me if Carlisle weren't with me.
"Never." Carlisle promised me.
"I wasn't going to do that." Edward protested. "I just need to talk to you, without your babysitter."
I was becoming more afraid of Edward as he tried harder and harder to get me away from Carlisle. I was so afraid that I was unable to speak. I simply shook my head at him, very nervously.
"Does it have to be Carlisle?" Edward looked at me pleadingly. "This is already going to be hard enough for me to say."
"I'm pretty sure I already know what you're going to say, and yes, it has to be Carlisle." I managed to squeak out, gripping Carlisle's shirt as tightly as I could. I would not willingly let him go.
"I'd rather it was someone else." Edward mumbled.
"Because I would be so much more patient with you than Carlisle?" Rosalie asked sarcastically.
Carlisle chuckled at the thought. Edward glowered.
Did Edward honestly think that it would be easy for me to have Carlisle hear all of the things we had to say? That was insane. It will probably be just as embarrassing for me as it is for him, especially when I may possibly be saying things to Edward that I haven't even said to Carlisle yet. The only way I would ever be able to have this conversation with Edward, was because I knew that Carlisle wouldn't hurt me because of what came up during our talk.
"How about…?" He looked around the room at the others hoping that he would find someone besides Carlisle to stay but came up empty. Every one of them stared him down with hostility.
If Esme were here, he probably would have suggested her, though I still would have chosen Carlisle.
"If you prefer, I will remain silent unless you decide to emotionally bully her or if she addresses me. You may pretend that I'm not here." Carlisle offered, I thought, rather generously.
Edward realized that this was the best offer he was going to get. He nodded tersely, and the others left, confident that with Carlisle there, Edward wouldn't be able to hurt me. Edward still waited. I assumed he was waiting until he could no longer hear the thoughts of the rest of his family before he started speaking.
"When I kissed your head today, I realized how much I still love you. It's been nagging at me all day." Edward told me. "I love you more than I thought possible, and I'm sorry that I've been acting like a caged animal, but when you asked him to publicly be your boyfriend, I knew that my chance to win you back was quickly evaporating. I'm begging you, Bella. Please pick me. I can give you all the things that he could give you, and you wouldn't have to endure all of the scorn you have to endure with him. Please, Bella, I love you."
I knew that it was going to be something like that, but I was pretty sure that the feelings he was talking about started a long time before today. I decided not to look at Carlisle even though I really wanted to. I didn't want him to think that I was considering this. There was no decision to be made. I loved Carlisle, and even though he didn't say it to me yet, I knew that he loved me too. When we were dating, Edward had often told me that he loved me, but the evidence was clear. He didn't love me then. And while I was sure that he thought he loved me now, I wasn't sure if he actually knew what love meant.
"Edward," I sighed, trying to organize my thoughts, "I don't want to hurt you, but… I can't be with you."
"I thought that you had forgiven me." He responded rather petulantly. "You obviously didn't mean it. I should have known that a person like you…"
Carlisle cleared his throat at Edward, probably throwing him a dirty look. Edward stopped mid-sentence.
"Forgiveness is not the same as being willing to let you hurt me." I explained.
"Can you at least tell me why?" He looked like he was going to cry. "Why did you choose him over me?"
Again, I sighed, knowing that this clarification would hurt Edward badly and probably embarrass me in front of Carlisle. I looked back at him. He smiled at me encouragingly.
"Honestly, Edward, I didn't choose him over you. There was no choice. Even if I wasn't with him, I still wouldn't be with you. I can't even begin to think about being with you that way." I winced slightly, because of the hurt I sensed coming off of him.
"Please, Bella tell me why him and not me." He begged.
"If you're determined to torture yourself with comparisons, I will indulge you." I paused to gather my thoughts. This was something that I had wanted to tell Edward for awhile now, but I hadn't wanted to hurt him. I tried to be as gentle as I could because I knew that it could really be painful to hear. "With Carlisle, I am free to be myself. I was always in your shadow when we were together. You eclipsed me in every way. I was merely an extension of you, and nothing I did could ever change the fact that it was always BIG you, and little me." I breathed a sigh of relief at finally getting the chance to tell him this.
Of course, he didn't accept it. "But I've changed so much!" He challenged. "Why won't you even give us a chance? I thought you were forgiving enough to…"
I felt angry tears prickling in my eyes. The old Bella would have been sobbing, tormented by the fact that I possibly wasn't forgiving enough for him. But now, I was not that naïve little girl who believed that Edward could do no wrong, willing to believe any problem in our relationship must be my fault. I was about to rip him a new one when Carlisle cut him off.
"Edward." Carlisle patiently warned him.
I twisted in his lap and gave him a quick peck on the lips.
"Thank you."
"Anytime." He smiled at me.
"Did you know that I still have nightmares about the things you did to me?" I asked Edward rhetorically. "Not often, but I still do. Just thinking about letting you w-w-walk m-me to the w-w-water… I can't do it, Edward! It's hard to know that you're even going to be there near the… lake. My mind keeps imagining you th-th-throwing me in. But with Carlisle, I actually believe that I can scatter my dad's ashes."
"But I've changed so much, and I love you…" Edward countered. "Has Carlisle even told you that yet?
"Are you serious?" I snapped at him. "You casually throw around words that I'm not entirely sure you understand and think that means that you love me? Edward, let me make this perfectly clear. I did love you, but I don't anymore, not like you think you love me."
"But I do love you…" Edward told me through gritted teeth. "I don't just think it."
I twisted around to address Carlisle.
"I don't doubt this for a moment, Carlisle, but I wanted to make sure. I love you, Carlisle. Do you love me?" I looked deeply into Carlisle's eyes. I wanted to make sure I wasn't making assumptions. I searched for permission to declare Carlisle's love for me. Though this wasn't the most romantic way to say it for the first time, I felt that it was very much needed.
"I'm absolutely, positively, head over heels in love with you, Bella." He nodded, his eyes full of joy. "Yes, I love you, more than I ever thought possible. You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that you love me."
I leaned in to kiss this wonderful man who had just professed his great love for me when Edward interrupted.
"He's just now telling you that he loves you?" Edward laughed condescendingly. "That doesn't mean anything. I love you. He doesn't."
"No Edward, Carlisle loves me." I told him. "And not because he's said it, but because he proves it every single day. I'm pretty sure the only reason he didn't said it before was because he knew that he needed to show me with his actions before I was ready to hear it."
I looked up at Carlisle for confirmation.
Carlisle moved his lips to my ear, "That is exactly why. I'm overjoyed that you understand." He whispered. I shivered knowing that he was feeling as amorous as I did right now, but again, Edward was determined to ruin our moment.
"But you're my mate." He argued.
"What the hell does that mean, Edward?" I sighed exasperatedly at him. "Does it mean that I have to unquestioningly and blindly accept that I am forever bound to you? Does it mean that I get no choice in the matter?"
"You are perfect for me." He protested. "You have to accept that you were created to match me perfectly."
"But you aren't perfect for me, Edward, or do my needs not factor into this equation?" I tried to get him to think outside of himself for a change. "You are not the center of the universe, Edward. I don't believe that I was created solely for your enjoyment. I don't believe that there is one perfect person out there for everyone."
"I am perfect for you, Bella. I complete you. You just can't see it." He scowled.
"No, Edward. You control and manipulate me." I retorted. "I want to be with someone who lets me make my own decisions."
"You mean a pussy, like Carlisle." He sneered at Carlisle behind me. "He's so beaten down; he'll let you walk all over him."
"You shut up!" I was fuming. How dare he say that about Carlisle! I lunged at him, and Carlisle restrained me. If I was strong enough, I would have slapped Edward for saying that.
"He's just trying to provoke you, my dear." Carlisle whispered in my ear. He was keeping me in place, but I could hear in his voice that he was happy that I stood up for him.
Once I had calmed down enough to form a rational thought, I spoke very purposefully though my tears, "Carlisle is the strongest person I know. Unlike you, he's mature enough to allow me to be myself."
"You dare speak to me about maturity, Bella!" He stood shouting. In a second, he was in my face and snarling. "I am more than five times your age!"
Yeah, he basically just proved my point for me with this childish outburst. I cringed into Carlisle who was clearly distressed at his son's behavior.
"But you act like a spoiled brat who throws a temper tantrum when he doesn't get his way." I pointed out to him very softly. "Only… you are strong enough and smart enough to actually force those around you to give in to you. You need to grow up."
"Grow up!" He asked me incredulously. "I haven't dazzled you or forced you to do anything in nearly five months, yet you keep insisting that I haven't changed!"
I could tell that he was barely holding on to his control. He paced in front of me and threw me a bunch of nasty looks as he spoke.
"I never said that you hadn't changed at all." I tried to make my tone as soothing as possible. "I can definitely see that you have tried to make some improvements. You've given me room to make decisions for myself, like choosing my own agent and college, and I really appreciate that. But there are other things, like when Carlisle and I became more physical with our affection that you aren't handling very well at all."
"But you're mine, Bella." He rounded on me, slowly stalking his way towards me. This time, he made his eyes do that dazzly thing as he approached. "You don't want Carlisle to walk with you…"
"Edward." Carlisle cut him off as I turned my face into his chest. Carlisle wrapped his arms more tightly around me and kissed me on the top of my head. "You will stop this right now." His voice was very hard as he stroked my back.
I hated being dazzled and it scared me that Edward was stooping to this.
"Let me go, Edward." I begged him, still muffled by Carlisle's loving embrace. "I need someone who doesn't manipulate me, and you have proven that you will do anything and everything in your power to bend me to your will."
"I won't manipulate me anymore, if you would just give me a chance to prove that to you." His demeanor changed considerably probably because of Carlisle's chastisement.
"You're trying to manipulate me into being with you so that you can show me that you won't manipulate me anymore?" I asked him, laughing a little bit at the ridiculousness of how that sounded. "Can you honestly tell me that you would have allowed me to be alone with anyone who was hell bent on stealing me away from you? Though it would have nearly killed him to do it, Carlisle was willing to do just that if that's what I had chosen."
Edward opened his mouth several times before he decided that there was no use lying about this. I already knew the truth, and he knew it. I took his silence as an opportunity to check on Carlisle who couldn't have been happy about the things that Edward had just said and done.
"Are you alright?" I whispered to him, and he nodded.
"I was just thinking that you were probably right about Edward's serious need for some discipline." He admitted. "I was about to step in and take him to task when he suddenly calmed down."
That definitely explained Edward's mood swing. I smiled knowing that though I had tried to tell Carlisle this earlier, Edward himself had effectively convinced Carlisle that I was right about Edward's need for a spanking. I knew that Carlisle would keep Edward on a short leash from now on. Edward's behavior towards me during our conversation had pretty much convinced Carlisle that Edward was a danger to me, and that he hadn't changed as much as we had hoped.
"Are the two of you finished?" Edward asked angrily. "I believe we were discussing the fact that you're my mate."
"No, you were informing me that I am your mate, and I was daring to disagree with you." I told him.
"You're wrong, Bella." He practically growled at me. "I know you're my mate, and whenever you become a vampire, you'll finally realize that I was right, and you'll come back to me."
"So you're saying that as a human, I'm not intelligent enough to decide who I want to be with?" I questioned him.
"Most humans aren't." He laughed.
"I'm not most humans." I reminded him.
"No, I suppose not." He conceded. "I just don't want you to regret being with Carlisle now once you've changed and you're mine."
"I'll never regret a single moment I spend with him." I argued, choosing to ignore the fact that he was claiming me as his possession.
"You will. You'll see." He told me confidently.
"Do you believe in soul mates, Carlisle?" I asked as I turned to face him.
"I used to, but I guess… I guess I grew up. I don't believe there's one and only one person out there for me." He admitted. "I believe in getting to know someone, spending time with them, and falling in love. However, now that I have fallen deeply in love with you, I can safely tell you that I will never change my mind about that."
"That's good to know." I smiled at him and kissed him on the lips. "I believe some are better suited to be together than others, but I don't believe that we have no choice in whom we love. Do you think that I'll change my mind because I'm a human and am not capable of making a wise decision?"
"No, my darling." He assured me. "You stayed with Edward, trying to make it work, until he broke your heart. I don't see you as a person who leaves because they are fickle. Once you make up your mind, your stubbornness rivals most vampires I know."
I laughed at his little tease.
"And I have no reason to believe that you aren't perfectly capable of choosing wisely. What Edward doesn't understand is that love is a choice, followed by a feeling. It isn't some mystical connection between two people. I choose to love you, therefore I feel in love with you."
"I choose to love you as well, Carlisle." I leaned in and kissed him passionately on the lips.
"And I can feel the evidence of your love for me, and it makes me want to show you exactly how much I love you." He whispered huskily, sending tingling feelings down to my girly parts.
I leaned in to once again claim Carlisle's lips. He had just slipped his tongue into my mouth when Edward once again interrupted our affection.
"But I have more experience than he does." Edward's voice became. "I could do things to your body that will make you scream in pleasure. He will be just as new to this as you are. He could hurt you."
I shook in horror at the thought of having sex with Edward. "I used to have nightmares about sex with you, Edward. I always woke up screaming because you either dazzled me or raped me. My dreams about Carlisle…" I trailed off, blushing, because my dreams about Carlisle were too naughty to say out loud. I felt Carlisle shift underneath me. He had gotten an erection, and I felt it against me. I blushed. "Well, let's say, they're much more pleasant. And as far as his lack of experience goes, I'm extremely happy that he and I are on the same page in that regard."
I was still blushing nervously when I looked up at Carlisle. "I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable."
"Not at all." He was clearly aroused. "I rather enjoy knowing that you think about me that way."
For a long time, I stared at his lips wanting nothing more than to feel them all over my body. I longed for some relief from the deep pain I was feeling over my parents' deaths, the fear of walking to the water, and all of the confusion and hurt I felt over all of the things Edward had brought up. I was pretty sure that Carlisle was well equipped to make me forget all about everything.
I returned my gaze toward Edward before I did something I would regret. All of this pain and confusion I had gone through today was not a good reason to make love for the first time. I wanted my first time to be special, and Carlisle wanted to wait until marriage. While I thought that idea was a bit archaic, I didn't want to do anything that he would regret later or that would make me feel like I seduced and corrupted him. I knew how being manipulated felt, and I absolutely wasn't going to do that to Carlisle.
"I love Carlisle." I finally spoke. "I am willing to be your friend, nothing more. Please don't try to come between us." I snuggled into Carlisle's chest, and he embraced me protectively. "I don't want to lose you as a friend."
"Put yourself in my position." Edward begged me.
I laughed out loud at that thought. I doubt if Edward has ever attempted to see something from another point of view. Carlisle must have also found the humor in that because he was silently shaking underneath me.
"You mean if I believed that you were my one and only and you were in love with someone else?" I sought clarification.
"Yes, except I'm quite certain that you are not actually in love with him." He explained, and I rolled my eyes.
"Okay, if you thought you were in love with someone else, and I thought that you were my soul mate…" I considered it for a moment, Edward growled at my amendment, Carlisle chuckled. "I would let you go."
"That's bullshit." He yelled back. "You would do anything to be with me if you were in my position."
"I'd like to think that if I believed we were meant to be together, I would want you to be happy even if it wasn't with me." I explained. "And if you actually thought that I was the other half of your soul, you shouldn't have tried to break me. You wouldn't have needed to manipulate me, to change me to what you wanted me to be."
"Damn it, Carlisle, not all of us can be like you." He growled, and suddenly, I remembered that Carlisle said that he used to believe in soul mates.
I turned to look at Carlisle, and saw that he was very upset.
"Esme?" I asked and he nodded sadly.
"You know that I believed Esme was my soul mate, Edward." He looked sorrowfully at Edward. "This conversation has just brought up painful memories for me. I could no longer keep my thoughts away from Esme."
"And you shouldn't have to constantly filter your thoughts to make Edward happy." I tried to comfort him where I couldn't touch his skin and accidently absorb his pain though I could feel my hand seemed to move of its own volition to where it could find some skin and absorb his pain. I had to make a conscious effort to keep it over his clothing.
"I found all sorts of evidence that suggested that she was made for me, like the fact that I treated her when she was a child, God gave me the chance to save her, and finally, she was compassionate, but the truth is, I was ignoring everything that suggested that she wasn't meant for me. I saw only what I wanted to see and disregarded everything that didn't fit my assumptions. And it was a grave mistake on my part." Carlisle's voice shook as he spoke.
My poor Carlisle. I desperately wanted to make him feel better. He was hurting so badly that I could no longer control my hand. Carlisle caught me by the elbow just before I could touch his face with my fingers.
"Sorry." I blushed in embarrassment as he shook his head at me.
I still felt like I needed to make his pain better, to show him how much I love him but I could think of nothing that would help.
"Can't you see that's what you're doing as well?" I asked Edward. "You can't hear my mind, so you've looked for the other things that think make me perfect for you and completely ignored the things about me that make you crazy."
Edward hung his head and sobbed, "I just want so much for you to be mine, Bella. Can't you see how much I love you, Bella?"
"I'm sorry, Edward." I told him. "I don't feel that way about you anymore."
"I understand." Edward finally sighed in defeat. "I will try to respect your decision."
"Thank you, Edward." I told him hopeful that he would indeed honor my relationship with Carlisle, but I worried that he was just making a tactical retreat in order to bombard me once again when he felt he could stand a better chance of winning.