Chapter 15: Progress Report

"Would you two keep it down?" I hollered in the hallway outside Adrian's room. I was happy that my friends were happy, but I really didn't need to hear them going at it every night. I swear they hadn't kept their clothes on for more than a few hours at a time since we got back from Missoula two weeks ago.

I was in a bitchy mood anyway because I was really trying to cut down on my drinking, and sobriety made me irritable at night. It also made me hungry. I padded down the hallway in my slippers carrying a large plate of tacos. Cooking them helped me to pass the time, which was great, seeing as sobriety gave me killer insomnia along with the big appetite. I hoped that eating them would cheer me up. Nothing sounded better than a nice gin and tonic, but tacos are really, really good.

I sat cross-legged on my bed, happily munching on my snack—okay, my fifth meal of the day at this point—and grading Theory exams. One advantage of being sober at night was being more productive. I quickly realized that my emotions surrounding my students' grades weren't a product of my drunkenness. I really did care that much. Their grades would affect their assignments after graduation, and I was especially rooting for the ten in my training group to get top marks in everything they did. And, of course, I cared tremendously about Polina. As I had suspected, she was pretty smart when she wanted to be, and Alex and Brooke had the best grades in the class. However, I wasn't impressed with everyone.

"Hey, Haley," I said, practically sneaking up behind a small group of dhampirs on their way to the locker rooms after practice. She jumped. "Can I talk to you, please?" I was actually in a good mood that morning, even after a less-than-stellar practice with the human novices that ended in Anna running out of the gym in tears after taking a particularly hard hit to the ribs. My dhampir students kept giving Happy Rose weird looks, and they practically ran to the locker rooms as soon as practice ended, probably afraid that my good mood was going to come crashing down. It didn't, but it still wouldn't be a great morning for Haley Morena.

Dominic was holding her hand, and he gave it a quick squeeze. "I'll wait for you outside," he said. She nodded and followed me back into the gym.

"I didn't start it, I swear!" she blurted out. "I dyed my hair and Quinn thought the color looked stupid so she was being a bitch about it. And I didn't even hit her! Not hard, anyway. It was more of a shove. A gentle shove."

"What?"

Haley looked horrified. "Oh… you didn't know about that."

"I—whatever, just don't do it again. Want to tell me what happened to your Theory grade instead?"

"Nothing! There's nothing wrong with a C. It's average. Passable. What's that saying that college students use? 'C's get degrees.' C's get promise marks too. An occasional C won't hurt me."

"We're not talking about math class!" I put my hands on my hips and glared daggers at her. "Bodyguard theory is just as important as physical toughness. If you're not guarding your Moroi properly, you won't have time to put your physical training to good use, because Strigoi will snap your neck in an instant." I snapped my fingers for emphasis. "I've seen it happen."

Mason's bright blue eyes went blank in an instant. And it happened because he loved me, or thought he did. He put his feelings above his guardian duties, and I risk doing the same thing every day because I love Dimitri. Love can hurt anyone, but love between guardians? Love like that can be deadly.

Haley looked terrified. Good.

"Look," I said exasperatedly. "I know about you and Dominic. And I wish I could be happy for you. If you're going to say that your relationship is none of my business, don't bother. If it's affecting your work—and trust me, it is—then we need to talk about it. I talked to some of your other instructors—don't give me that look—and my class is not the only one you're struggling in."

To my surprise, her eyes were filling with tears. I didn't think I had been that harsh. Haley usually took my criticism pretty well. "I want to do well," she practically whispered. "But I'm too far behind now. It's not Dominic's fault. School doesn't come naturally to me. I used to study all the time to pull off A's and B's, but when I started spending more time with Dominic, I stopped putting in the hours. And now I'm so far behind. Even if I do well in my field experience—and I can't guarantee that I will, even though I'm pretty good in training—my grades will really hold me back, and it's going to be so embarrassing, and—"

"Stop," I said firmly, putting my hands on her shoulders. "You're not going to fail. You said it yourself. You can get decent grades when you put in the time and effort. You don't have the self-discipline to do it now? Fine. We can work on that. You're not too far behind. One rough semester won't ruin your career. You've been slacking for a month. I was gone for two years, and when I'm not here at the Academy, I'm a guardian for the queen."

"Yeah, but you're Rose Hathaway," she said sullenly.

"And you're Haley Morena. Someday, that's going to mean something. To me, it already does. Meet me in the library every day at 6:00 from now on. Bring your homework. All of it, not just your Theory homework. I'll help you, but I don't think you need it. You just need some structure, that's all. Take some time after school to rest or whatever, then eat a good dinner, then do your homework. I'll stay with you and keep you on track until you get in the habit. Got it?"

She nodded and turned around to leave. When she was almost to the door, she turned back.

"Rose?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

It was the first time I had ever heard that word after lecturing a student, and it may very well be the last. As I watched her leave, I couldn't help but hope that she never had to choose. Honor, power, love… I wanted her to have it all. Guardians always risk dying young, but we make so many unseen sacrifices along the way. I learned about sacrifice when I was 17. Most dhampirs don't, not until they get out in the world and realize there's something missing in their lives. I love being a guardian, but at that moment, I just wanted to put all of the novices in a bubble and never release them to the world.

My schedule had gotten beyond crazy. I was in the gym at 5am to work with Polina one-on-one. She had surpassed the human novices so much that it was just insulting to keep her in the class with them. She had caught up to her dhampir classmates too, but I wanted more from her. She trained one-on-one with me in the morning, worked on conditioning or homework during the human class, went through her entire school day, then spent the afternoon back in the gym. I knew her body and mind had to be exhausted, but Polina was tough. She never got hurt, never complained, and never let her grades slip. I couldn't be prouder. Now that I was supervising Haley's studying after practice with the humans and then with Polina, I was mostly catching a few hours of sleep when everyone else did and then a few more hours during the school day. It wasn't ideal, and, well, my frustration had to go somewhere.

"How many times did I tell you not to twist like that when someone grabs you?" I yelled. I was halfway through morning practice with the human novices on a Wednesday, and the tears were already flowing. This time, they were from Elodie. She was sprawled out on the mat, clutching her shoulder. I assumed it was nothing. I shouldn't have—Elodie was easily the toughest and fiercest of my human novices. But I had recently replaced my nightly alcohol habit with late-night coffee, even though I had never been a coffee drinker. The result was very little sleep before morning training sessions, and I was being slightly bitchy.

She still wasn't standing up. Reluctantly, I knelt down on the mat to check the shoulder. Sure enough, it was dislocated. I drew in a breath. "Hey, it's okay," I said soothingly, putting a hand on her head. "Stay calm." My mind was racing. I could pop it back in myself, but she would need a sling anyway, and I wanted her on painkillers. Yeah, a trip to the med clinic was in order, and I couldn't let her walk there alone when she was sobbing like that. I could make Zach take her, seeing as he had just pulled out her shoulder, but then half of my class would be gone. And I was actually impressed with Zach's strength, although it really wasn't the time to tell him that. I decide that I might as well just take Elodie to the med clinic myself.

She stopped crying soon after we left the gym.

"El, I'm sorry," I offered. "I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. I didn't realize you were hurt that badly."

If looks could kill, I'd be screwed. "You shouldn't have yelled at me at all."

We walked in awkward silence after that. I quickly turned her over to the doctor and followed the sound of two familiar voices down the hallway.

"Adrian, stop it, I'm serious!" Sydney was giggling. Now that was a sound I never thought I'd hear, especially at breakfast time. She had to eat all of her meals supervised in the med clinic now, but Adrian and I were welcome to join her.

"What's up?" I asked, strolling into the room and throwing myself into a chair.

"Oh, nothing." Sydney smiled. "Aren't you supposed to be teaching class or something?"

I rolled my eyes. "Nope, I'm done for now. Zach somehow managed to dislocate Elodie's shoulder. I swear they do these things on purpose just to annoy me."

I was joking, but apparently Sydney didn't find it funny. "I wish you'd be nicer to them. To us. We try, you know. And it would be a lot easier to ask questions if everyone didn't have to be so scared of you."

"I'm not scary," I argued. "Strigoi are scary. Underprepared guardians—even human ones—are scary. I just do what I have to do, that's all."

"What do you mean, 'even human ones'?" Sydney asked, eyes narrowing. Adrian was starting to look really uncomfortable, and he was probably angry with me for upsetting Sydney while she was supposed to be eating.

"Look, it's nothing. I didn't mean anything by it. I gotta go. Still teaching first period." I stood up to leave. "See you guys later?" Based on the way they were looking at me, they needed some time to cool down. Maybe about a year. I checked my watch. I could stop quickly to see how Elodie was doing, but I really wanted to start setting up the gym for first period's training exercise so we didn't have to waste class time doing it. I hurried away, running through the exercise in my head, lost in my own thoughts. I would apologize to Sydney later. And to Elodie. And to Zach. And maybe even to Adrian. It would probably be more efficient to just stand in the middle of the quad and shout my apologies to the universe.

A week went by, and things seemed to be on the upswing. Sydney was finally allowed to come back to practice, as long as she didn't do any conditioning. Basic hand-to-hand combat didn't burn nearly as many calories and was more important to her training. She picked up as if she had never left, with a ferocity and energy I had never seen from her before. Elodie's shoulder was healing nicely. All of my human novices looked like they were less likely to kill me. I hummed as I walked back to my room, ready to take a shower and a nice nap. Because the world still seems to hate me, I found a note taped to my door.

Guardian Hathaway—

Come to my office at 1:00.

-Headmistress Kirova.

Well, shit. I didn't know what she wanted, but whatever it was, it couldn't be good.

I didn't even have time to blow-dry my hair before my appointment. I threw together a halfway decent outfit and practically ran to her office.

"Sit down, Guardian Hathaway."

I looked around the room and saw that we weren't alone. Alberta Petrova stood against the wall. She looked as stern as ever, but I could see a flash of sadness in her eyes. Maybe disappointment.

"Do you know why you're here?"

"No. I honestly don't." It was true. What could I have possibly done except—wait. Shit. Missoula.

Kirova saw my eyes widen as I figured it out. "And how old are you, Hathaway? Are you 21?"

Yep. Busted. "No. I'm 18." There was no point in lying when she already knew the answer. The bitch just wanted to make me say it.

"And what is the legal drinking age in this country?"

Bitch, indeed. "21."

"And is it appropriate for an instructor at this Academy to run off with her lover to use drugs and drink alcohol underage?"

"My lover? Never mind the fact that I wasn't doing drugs; are you seriously calling Adrian my 'lover'? There is nothing, nothing going on between me and Adrian Ivashkov. I am happily in a relationship with Dimitri Belikov, and he is happily with Sydney Sage." Shit. I shouldn't have mentioned his relationship with Sydney. Kirova's eyebrows raised, but I plowed ahead. "Not that it's any of your business who I do or don't date."

"Rose," Alberta said warningly. I got the feeling that she was on my side here, and she was also right.

I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. Really, I am. It was a mistake, and it won't happen again. I don't want to set a bad example for my students—wait, how do you even know about this?"

"That is not important," Kirova said stiffly. "What we need to talk about…"

I tuned her out. Adrian wouldn't have gotten us caught. He isn't that stupid. Sydney would never tell. She wouldn't want to get Adrian in trouble or herself, since she came to rescue us. But this is St. Vladimir's, where the truth always comes out. And when it does, it's horribly distorted, and students end up thinking I fucked Adrian in a crack den and—that was it. Not the crack den. The students.

I stormed out of Kirova's office after being put on a probation of sorts that wasn't even a real thing for instructors. Besides, have I ever had a clean record? She just wanted to yell at me. And I wanted to do some yelling of my own.

As soon as I saw my human novices, any doubt I may have had had about their guilt evaporated on the spot. They were the ones who turned me in. I had them sit on the gym floor in front of me. I had always felt strong around this bunch. But what did quick reflexes matter when the attacker wasn't a Strigoi? Who cares how many molnija marks I have when I'm just as vulnerable to words as anyone else is? My senses and my muscles couldn't save me from the pain of being stabbed in the back.

I didn't even know where to begin. Staring at them seemed to be effective enough for now. Anna's face was even paler than usual. Elodie wouldn't meet my eyes. Sydney was sitting as far away from the others as she could. Zach looked sick. I had to say something.

"I'm not a warm and fuzzy mentor," I began. "I'm aware of that. Do you think I enjoy yelling at you? I don't. Do I take it too far sometimes? Absolutely. My own mentor was not the warm and fuzzy type, but he has self-control that I don't. I'm learning. I'm learning to be better—a better person, a better teacher, a better guardian. But learning, as you know, takes time. And just as I should have been more patient with you, you should have been more patient with me.

"When you're training to be a guardian, everyone talks about bravery. Skill. Vigilance. Dedication. You know what they don't teach us? Honor. We deal with life and death, and somehow honor gets left out of the curriculum, leaving it up to individual teachers like me to emphasize it. And what you all have taught me today is that I failed you.

"I did not fail you by taking a trip to Missoula. I will not justify the rumors by explaining what did and did not actually happen. Because none of that is important. Do you understand? None of that is important. I can see that I failed to teach you honor because instead of coming to me with your problems, you got into an issue that was not your business, twisted a shred of truth to make me sound like a raging crack whore, and stabbed me in the back."

Tears sprang to my eyes, startling me. They were hot, angry tears. I was already too humiliated and broken to care that I was showing weakness in front of them.

"Do you want me gone? Is that what you want?" I tried to keep control, but I was getting hysterical. "Fine. Fine! Your message is loud and clear. I don't care what you do. I did care, and I'm sorry if I didn't show it. I'm sorry that whatever I did wasn't enough for you. Maybe you would have been great guardians. Maybe you wouldn't have been. But we'll never know. You've seen to that. I hope you're happy with yourselves. What did that do for you, exactly? To slander another person, your instructor, behind her back? Do you feel good now?"

Elodie shook her head almost imperceptibly. Anna hugged her knees to her chest, eyes tearing up like mine.

"And really," I continued. "Did you think, for a second, that you could fucking hurt me with what you did? Do you know what I've been through at this place?" I was screaming now. "I spent my entire time here being called a slut, a whore, a drunk. An easy, wild, reckless slut. Do you think there's anything you can say about me that I don't already believe about myself?"

My chest burned with a fury I could not fully understand. It was high time for me to do something else reckless. I lowered my voice. "You want me gone, I'm gone. I'm going to Kirova's office right now and resigning. I'm getting out of here. I'm going back to Court, where I can still find a shred of respect." I turned and stormed off.

"Don't go!" squeaked a voice behind me. I pivoted. Anna? I didn't know her voice could go above a whisper, but there she was, standing up. "Please, Rose. Don't go. We're sorry. We are so, so sorry." The other novices nodded. "We were wrong. We were frustrated, and we were hurting, and what we did was wrong. You're a great teacher. We need—we need to be tougher. We signed up for this, after all."

Zach stood up. "I understand if you want to go. What we did was horrible. But I hope you stay and teach us. I think we're finally getting somewhere. I've never felt so strong in my life. I may not have the reflexes of a dhampir, but I really believe I can do this. If you leave now, it's all going to be a waste."

Elodie pushed herself up off the ground using her good arm. Her shoulder was healing nicely and she could use it, but it wasn't 100%. "We need you. You don't need us. You're awesome without us, but Rose, we need you."

I looked at Sydney. "You know I love you," she said simply, still sitting on the floor. "For an evil creature of the night, you're pretty incredible. That's all."

"Do you really want me to stay? Really?"

They murmured "yes."

I paused. "Then fight me. You have to fight me, and you have to win." I jumped into a defensive stance. They stared, trying to figure out if this was some sort of trap to get them in trouble for attacking a teacher. "What the hell are you waiting for?" I bellowed. "If I were a Strigoi, you'd all be—"

I was interrupted by Elodie's body crashing into mine. I flipped her over my shoulder and was about to slam her to the ground when Zach's fist made contact with the side of my head. I dropped Elodie. With reflexes I didn't know she had, she twisted her body in the air in order to fall on her good arm and jumped up, ready for another go. My vision was blurring from Zach's hit. Anna used her height to manage an impressive kick to my chest. Just as she did so, little Sydney leapt onto my back, using her body to help pull mine down and jumping out of the way just before she hit the ground. The result was a hard fall that knocked the wind out of me. I'd have to congratulate her and Anna later—that was a really creative combination of moves.

But I was too fast and too accustomed to being thrown around. I was up again in an instant, though still winded, and sensed Elodie getting ready to kick the back of my knee out from under me. I kicked her first. I considered holding back a little bit and trying not to hurt them, but they were fierce. I was getting kicked and punched from all sides, but nobody was really making a move to take me down—and then Anna came out of nowhere. I doubled over to protect my abdomen as her foot headed for it. Zach charged at me, scooped me up while I was still hunched over, and threw me to the ground. Sydney dove for my legs, using her body to keep mine down. I tried to roll to the side, crossing my arms over my heart, but Sydney grabbed my shoulders and twisted me around. Elodie went in for the kill. She straddled my hips, pressed her left arm against my throat, and held a curled fist just above my heart as if she were about to stake me.

I looked her in the eyes. They were flashing, fierce, and triumphant. Her mouth quivered, like she didn't know whether to whoop with joy or to cry.

"Fine." I said weakly. "I'll stay."

Author's Note: Coming up next: Dimitri, Rose, Adrian, Sydney, Christian, and Lissa go to a familiar vacation spot for the weekend. The fact that I just accidentally typed "coming up sex" instead of "coming up next" pretty much says it all.