Author's Note: I know that some of you thought that Edward was going to do something at Charlie's funeral, but I couldn't do that to her. Edward doesn't really want to hurt her just for fun. He wants her back, and is willing to hurt her or anyone else to get her back. He is selfish, but he isn't intentionally sadistic, not anymore, at least. Above all, Edward is selfish and doesn't care about anything outside of his little Edward bubble, but he does at least have the sense to know that torturing her at her father's funeral would gain him nothing. Also, he knows that Carlisle is at his limit with regards to disciplining him. When Edward does finally cross the line again, it will be a snap decision, not something he planned.
Chapter 15 – Water
I was exhausted from all of the emotional turmoil I had endured. Alice and Jasper came back to be with me while Carlisle took Edward to hunt. I knew that they wanted to speak in private, and that was fine with me. I knew there were things that needed to be said between the two of them that I was in no emotional state to hear. Before they left, I asked Carlisle to give me something to help me sleep because I wasn't sure that I could calm myself down. He told me that he was proud of me for asking and happily gave me an Ativan. I waited to take it right before I went to bed. First, I had something I needed to do. I needed to write a letter. I wanted to say something at Charlie's funeral, but I didn't think I could be composed enough to say it.
After I had written the letter, I realized that I was a bit disappointed that Carlisle and I still hadn't gotten to celebrate our new declaration of love for one another. It certainly wasn't an appropriate time for that with all of the grief and confusion I had endured over the last few days. It wasn't the most romantic way to first hear I love you, but as Carlisle had said, love is about a choice followed by the feelings. It isn't always about romance. Sometimes it's about what needs to be done.
After I had gotten ready for bed, Alice and Jasper came in to talk to me while my medicine kicked in.
"Did you want me to read your letter at the funeral?" Alice smiled knowingly at me.
"If you don't mind." I hoped. "I would ask Carlisle, but I need him with me."
"Yes, of course. I would be honored to read your letter." She assured me.
I hugged her in thanks, and for some reason my mind went back to my conversation with Edward.
"Did you see the conversation earlier?" I asked Alice.
"Bits and pieces of it because I wasn't trying to look." She told me. "You made the right decision, by the way."
"I was never going to leave Carlisle for Edward. My relationship with Edward was so unhealthy." I told her hardly believing that she thought I even gave that decision consideration.
"No, not that." She laughed. "Your decision not to try to relieve your emotional pain by having sex."
"Oh, that." I blushed.
"That would have ended badly no matter what Carlisle decided." She explained. "If he'd given in, you would have felt like you manipulated him; and if he'd said no, you would have felt rejected."
"You don't have any reason to think that he doesn't want you. Believe me." Jasper added. "He wants you physically. That's for sure."
"I want him, too." I admitted in a whisper.
"I know." Jasper smirked at me.
I blushed, realizing that Jasper could sense every lustful feeling I had toward Carlisle.
"I have a question for you, though." Jasper sounded curious.
"Okay?"
"I was wondering why you've never asked me if Carlisle loves you, or if Edward loved you for that matter. Why is that? Everyone always asks. Rosalie and Emmett asked, Carlisle asked about you, Edward asked about you, but you've never asked." Jasper's eyes narrowed as he awaited an answer.
"Well, with Edward, I believed we were soul mates or whatever because that's what he told me, and I definitely loved him, so I believed that he loved me. After he broke my heart, I realized that love isn't an emotion, it's a choice. I don't need you to tell me whether Carlisle loves me because I can see it in the choices he makes."
"You know? I've never met anyone who has come to that conclusion on their own." Jasper laughed. "It wouldn't have mattered, though. While I would be able to tell you if a person has romantic feelings, or if they care about someone, and sometimes even if a person is in love, I couldn't with one hundred percent certainty have told you. What I sense from a person is actually no guarantee that you will stay together."
"What would you have told me if I asked you about Edward?" I wondered.
"I would have told you that it was something you had to decide for yourself." He chuckled. "I would have been no help."
"Maybe you would have." I told him insightfully. "Since Edward insisted that we were soul mates destined before the beginning of time, or something like that, I wouldn't have understood what deciding had to do with it. I actually started to believe that I had no choice in the matter. I was meant to be with him, and there was nothing I could do about it."
"Whoever decided your mate must have been a sadistic bastard." Alice giggled.
"That's what I thought." I agreed. "But lately, I've come to believe that there isn't this mystical, cosmic plan that predetermines who I love. There isn't any love at first sight or aligning of planets that made Carlisle and I fall in love."
"I'm so glad you finally told him." Jasper beamed at me. "I was wondering which one of you were going to crack first, though Ali assured me it would be you. I should never have doubted her."
"I actually kind of figured that it would have to be me," I admitted, "like with our first kiss."
"Yes, I was getting ready to tell you that, but I saw that you decided to tell him while we were in Paris." Alice's eyes looked at me sadly. "I'm sorry that it didn't get to happen the way I saw it."
"Me too, but only because that would have meant that my parents were still alive." I began tearing up thinking about them. "But don't tell me how it would have gone. I don't want to dwell on what could have been."
"Very wise." She nodded at me then abruptly changed the subject. "Did Edward seriously call Carlisle a pussy?"
"Don't remind me." I growled. "I wanted to rip his head off for that."
"That was funny, watching Carlisle restrain you from hurting yourself slapping Edward in the face." She giggled at me.
"I wish I could have seen it." Jasper laughed as well.
Although I was very tired from all of the emotional turmoil of the day, I almost didn't want to go to sleep because I knew that when I woke up, I would have to go to Charlie's funeral, not to mention have to walk onto the pier to scatter his ashes. I know that there would be no way for me to do it without Carlisle, and as it was, he might have to carry me to get me there. Eventually, I did fall asleep, and thanks to the Ativan, it was relatively peaceful.
Alice woke me up at eight to get ready for the funeral. I understood that she was holding herself back as she helped me into the plain black dress she had bought me. She didn't fuss over my hair and makeup the way that she normally would have. I was grateful.
About an hour before I had to leave for the funeral, I was cuddled in Carlisle's lap, drawing strength from him. Edward came in and sat down opposite of us.
I feel awful that my first thought was, please not today, and my second was, please leave me alone.
"I just came to apologize to you, Bella." Edward must have sensed my hesitance to have another conversation with him.
"I'm sorry that I assumed that you were coming in here to argue with me. I just can't do that today." I told him.
"No, I just came to tell you that I'm sorry I badgered you yesterday." Edward closed his eyes and sighed. "I shouldn't have pressured you to leave Carlisle for me. It's clear that you love him. Besides, it was especially cruel to burden you like that on the eve of your father's funeral."
I was shocked that he said that.
"I forgive you, Edward." I told him. He gave me a weak smile before leaving.
Alice came in next with a pained look on her face, holding my cell phone.
"Some well-meaning individual has organized a reception for you following the funeral." She told me sadly. "Apparently, they assumed that you would want one. It's at your house, and it's kind of an open-house thing where people could come and go and let you know how much they had appreciated Charlie."
"And they're just telling me now?" I sighed, defeated.
"I'm sorry." She looked troubled. "They had apparently called your house several times before giving up and planning it anyway. Jacob called because he had been invited and heard that they hadn't told you yet. And since he and his friends are planning on going, I couldn't see it happening."
"It's not your fault." I assured her. "They really should have asked me before planning a party in my house. How are they planning on getting in to set up?"
"Jacob didn't tell me that." She admitted. "Just a sec…"
Her eyes went blank while she searched the future, probably deciding to call a bunch of people until she found out the answer.
"Of all the insensitive things…" She mumbled. "Apparently Mrs. Stanley talked the morgue attendant into giving her the keys out of Charlie's personal effects. She assured him that you had given her permission to take it so that she could set up the party."
"And he believed her?" Carlisle asked incredulously. "I know that Lou isn't the brightest guy, but that is a ridiculous excuse. Bella could have given her a key if she had really wanted her to have one."
"I'm not sure he believed her so much as he just didn't give a crap." Alice told him.
"So what does this open-house thing involve?" I asked, resigned to my fate.
"You don't have to go." Carlisle whispered. "They had no business breaking into your house and planning a party without your permission. You shouldn't feel obligated to indulge them."
"I know," I sighed, "but Charlie would want me to be polite to his friends. I'm sure they meant well. They just didn't do well."
"I'm not sure since I can't see it happening, but Jacob mentioned that it would be from after the funeral until eight-thirtyish." She explained.
"Alright," I nodded slightly.
I was not in any way looking forward to this. I would already have an emotionally exhausting day at the funeral, and at the lake. I wasn't sure where I was going to find the strength to do this, but I was determined to do so. It was only one day, and then I could grieve in my own way after this is over.
The funeral came around before I knew it. The limousine picked me up in front of the Cullen house, and I insisted Carlisle come with me. I didn't have to insist hard. Alice and Jasper followed us in Carlisle's Mercedes. Emmett, Rosalie, and Edward went in Edward's Volvo. When we arrived at the high school gym, I noticed all of the people staring as Carlisle helped me out of the car, none more scrutinizing than Jacob. He shot daggers at Carlisle and growled when Carlisle guided me with his hand on my lower back.
Once we had gotten seated, Reverend Webber welcomed us all and prayed. After the prayer, he read the eulogy and invited people to share special times that they had with Charlie. Alice stood to read the letter I had written.
"Charlie's daughter, Bella, is my best friend. She asked me to read this letter she wrote for today." Alice announced as she took out the paper.
I'm sure she had it memorized after only reading it once, but still she used the prop anyway.
"Dad," she read from my paper, "I cannot express the sorrow I feel over your death. I can't help but feel that you were taken from me before your time. Even though you had taught me more than you'll know, I know that there was still more that I had to learn from you.
"You taught me to value justice and how to take care of myself and others. I saw how you selflessly put my mother's needs ahead of yours. Knowing that mom needed me more than you did, you allowed her to spend more time with me while I was growing up. I suspect no one knew how much that hurt you, yet you said nothing, chivalrously stepping aside for her.
"You must have wondered why I came to live with you last January, knowing that my mother's distaste for Washington had rubbed off on me. The truth is, I came to give mom more time with Phil, and yes, I hated that I had to come here. That being said, I did not hate getting to spend more time with you. Over the last fourteen months, I grew closer to you than I ever thought I could.
You were right about Forks, you know. You always tried to get me to give it a chance, but it took me awhile to listen to you. After all, I got my stubbornness from you as well. After awhile, this place did grow on me, and I will truly hate to have to leave for college in a few short months. I can see why you love it here, I mean other than the obvious great fishing that you loved so much.
"The thing that I'll miss the most about you is how you've always encouraged me to be myself. Though I'm sure you didn't understand me, you still supported me. You and mom were my biggest fans."
I didn't want to actually mention my sculpting to a gym full of people since no one but the Cullen's actually knew about my artwork. I chose to just leave it vague, that way none of them would ever figure out that I was Elsabet Marali.
"I will never forget you, dad, and I hope that I can live my life in a way that reflects all the best qualities that you have tried to instill in me, that is except for the fishing, because as you know, fishing hooks and I should never be in close proximity."
A few people who knew me, including Carlisle laughed.
Unable to write any more, my letter ended there, though I really wanted to add a part about it being my fault that Victoria and Laurent had entered our lives, but only a select few people would have even the faintest idea what I was talking about. Having said that, deep down, I already knew that what had happened was not my fault. It was Victoria and Laurent's fault. Getting over Edward had taught me that all the bad things that other people do are their own choices, and therefore not my fault.
The rest of the funeral was very uplifting actually. Many people spoke about Charlie and how he had selflessly helped them. Several of them were in tears as they spoke. The one that struck me the most was when one of the former governors spoke about how Charlie donated his time by providing security for the battered women's shelter and refused to let them acknowledge him in any way, and I had thought he spent most of that time fishing. I think that he didn't want anyone to know, not even me, that he was doing something so selfless.
After the official funeral was over, a smaller group of us drove out to where his ashes were to be scattered. Carlisle offered me an Ativan to help me get through it, but I refused because I didn't want to be numb like I was with my mother's funeral.
While we were on the way, Carlisle could see that I was becoming more anxious about being so near the water.
"Is there anything I can do to make this easier on you?" He worried.
"Can you ask Edward to stay back for at least a little while?" I worried.
"Last night, I asked Edward to miss this portion of the funeral." He whispered to me. "I told him that this was hard enough on you already, and his presence wouldn't help."
"Really?" I asked hopefully. "Did he agree?"
"Yes, reluctantly." He sighed. He sounded a bit frustrated by the whole situation. "He still really wants to be here for you. He really wants to respect your choice, but he's having a hard time wrapping his head around the idea of 'us'."
"I'm grateful he's trying." I nodded, and snuggled into Carlisle for some last minute reassurance.
A few moments later, the limo pulled up to the area designated for Charlie's ashes. I hesitated before we got out.
"If I can't do this…" I worried.
"You don't have to." He interrupted. "No one has the right to judge you about this."
"That's not what I was going to say." I trembled, hardly believing that I was about to say this. "I want you to make sure I do. Carry me if you have to."
"Bella…" Carlisle worried.
"Please, Carlisle." I begged. "Charlie is so much more important than my stupid fear."
"I don't want you to think of me as a bully, the way you think of Edward." Carlisle's voice was so fearful. "I couldn't bear it if you had nightmares about me."
"Okay." I cried, not willing to manipulate him. I knew that after Esme was fearful of his every advance, he would be very hesitant to give me any reason to fear him. "That's alright…"
Alice and Jasper slipped in the limo beside us.
"Encourage her, even bear her weight if necessary, but if she pulls back, don't force her." Alice instructed. "She knows the difference between what you're doing for her and what Edward did to her."
"You have no idea how much she wants to do this, Carlisle." Jasper told him. "I don't think she'll ever forgive herself if she can't do this for her father."
"I can only do this if you promise me to tell me if it gets to be too much for you." Carlisle searched my eyes.
"I will tell you if I'm able." I assured him. "But if… if I start telling you I'll be a… g-g-good g-g-girl…"
"Then I'll know you're too far gone to ask me to stop." He nodded, finishing my sentence for me.
"Alice and I will come with you as well, and I can help you if you become too afraid." Jasper suggested.
"Only if you don't think you would feel manipulated." Carlisle amended Jasper's offer.
"I want to do this." I resolved. "If it takes all the help Jasper can give me, I'll take it."
Alice and Jasper exited first, and Carlisle assisted me out of the vehicle. I shook as we neared the water. Reverend Webber spoke words meant to comfort once again, and before I knew it, it was time to scatter the ashes.
Alice took the ashes for me as I clung to Carlisle's side. Jasper walked beside me, and I could feel his calming waves crashing over me. I shook frightfully even though Jasper really was helping me. Carlisle did actually have to do the work of moving me from the crowd to the edge of the pier, as I couldn't bring myself to make the steps, but I let him, and I never once tried to pull away.
"I w-w-want to do this." I whispered softly, though I know that he could hear me.
My arm was around his waist and my fingernails dug into his suit jacket as I fought to keep from running away. This was so hard for me. I was extremely afraid, but it wasn't of Carlisle. I never felt as though he was forcing me to do something against my will. From Carlisle's subtle body language, I could tell that Carlisle was very worried that I was past my limit.
"I'm afraid," I admitted, and Carlisle paused, "but I'm not afraid of you. Keep going."
"I love you." He gripped me tightly as he continued forward.
Once we got to the edge, I closed my eyes, deeply afraid to look down at the waves.
"I can't give her any more calm, or she'll pass out." Jasper whispered to Carlisle.
"You can do this, my darling." He breathed in my ear.
I nodded and opened my eyes.
"Keep hold of me." I begged him as I pried my fingers off of his jacket to take the urn from Alice.
Carlisle maneuvered me so that I was in front of him. He wrapped his arms around my midriff, bracing me and giving me a sense of security.
Alice handed me the cre-mains, assisting me, as they are much heavier than you might imagine. Carlisle shifted my body so that the ashes didn't blow back into my face, and I released the ashes.
I did it. I really did it. Yes, I needed all the help Carlisle, Jasper, and Alice could give me, but still, I didn't run screaming from the lake. Just three days ago, I couldn't have imagined myself doing this, but here I was. It was all because of Carlisle. He made me want to overcome my fears and become a better person. I felt a good deal of the fear leaving my body as I allowed him to hold on to me. I knew that I couldn't have stood there on the pier all alone, but safe in Carlisle's arms, I could. My heart could hardly contain the love I felt for him.
I was standing at the water, looking down at my father's ashes, and feeling a little proud of myself, when I saw it. It was a bright red something in the water. It looked like hair. I looked harder, and I could see that it was a person, no, a vampire, down in the water. I wondered why the others didn't react to it until I looked up and saw that they weren't watching the water, they were watching me.
"Victoria," I whispered, subtly pointing to her, trembling.
All three of their heads snapped down to where I was pointing. They were all a little surprised that I had noticed something that they hadn't. It was probably the first time ever.
"Shit." Jasper cursed quietly.
All of the confidence I had felt evaporated when I saw Victoria watching me from the water. I was feeling a mixture of anger and fear as I trembled still pointing at the water.
Carlisle braced me more tightly against himself, and Alice and Jasper stood between me and the water. He turned us so that we could leave Jasper and Alice trailed behind us. My eyes wandered to the crowd where I saw the members of the wolf pack desperately trying to control their urge to phase, looking spitefully at the water.
Rosalie and Emmett looked like they were barely suppressing the urge to jump in the water to chase her. I kind of wished that they could. I wasn't usually one for revenge, but she has proved that she is just going to continue murder people until we stop her, and by we, I mean the Cullen's. I obviously could do nothing myself to prevent her from hurting anyone else.
I saw Carlisle and Sam exchange a look, and Sam nodded once. They had obviously agreed that the wolves would track her, while the Cullen's watched after me. It once again reminded me of my weakness. I wondered if Carlisle was of the same mind as Edward with regards to my humanity. I hadn't been brave enough to ask him whether or not he ever wanted to change me because I was afraid of what his answer might be.
I thought we were going to sit back down or something, but Carlisle guided me towards the cars.
"We'll be riding back with Alice and Jasper." Carlisle whispered to me. "Emmett and Rosalie are going to stay to convey your thanks and regrets that you weren't up for being around a lot of people right now, unless you'd rather go to the reception."
"No." I shook my head. "I didn't really want to go before, but I was willing to be polite. I'd rather not go if you think that Emmett and Rosalie wouldn't mind supervising the party to make sure none of the guests decide to relieve me of Charlie's possessions."
"They'll be happy to help you out." Carlisle assured me. "Edward is picking them up in a few minutes. He'll help as well."
We were nearly at Carlisle's Mercedes when I heard my name. I turned and saw Mike Newton making his way towards us, trying to get my attention.
"Bella!" He called one more time before smiling at me.
I braced myself before greeting him. Carlisle was right behind me, holding me against himself.
"Hey, I noticed that Edward didn't bother to come out here to console you." He pointed out, kind of suggestively.
"Um… yeah, well, we did break up six months ago, Mike." I told him, trying to sound like I was pointing out the obvious.
"Well, I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime." He sort of asked nervously.
I couldn't believe Mike was trying to ask me out at my father's funeral. This was creepy even for him.
"No, Mike, I…" I looked back at Carlisle, hoping for some support. I really couldn't believe that Mike had missed all of the signs, but here he was asking me out when Carlisle had his arms around my waist. "Carlisle and I are together."
"That's… kind of weird, Bella, sick actually." Mike sounded disgusted. "I mean, how can you have… I mean be with your ex-boyfriend's dad?"
"Well… Edward and I never…" I stammered, "You know what? It's really none of your business, Mike." I ended more angrily than I should have.
"Aren't you married?" Mike asked Carlisle irately.
"No, Mike, I'm widowed." Carlisle answered pleasantly, though I could tell that he was still a bit worried about the whole Victoria situation. "Esme is actually my late wife's sister. She moved in with me to help me with my teenage children, and she's gay, actually."
"But why would you even pursue a high school student? Are you some sort of a pedophile?" Mike continued his interrogation.
That was a low blow. I didn't have to see the hurt to feel it coming off of Carlisle. Out of instinct, I grabbed his hand to relieve him of the pain. My knees buckled, and my eyes rolled back in my head. I struggled to keep from crying out.
Jasper, who had witnessed the entire exchange came to the rescue and began to tell Mike off. Alice pulled my hand off of Carlisle's and pushed me into the backseat of the Mercedes. Carlisle entered on the other side. Jasper finished with Mike quickly and jumped into the driver's seat. I panted through my pain as he drove, and it had finally subsided as we got to the house.
Carlisle carried me to my room, where he sat me on the bed. He paced back and forth. Something was bothering him tremendously, and he looked like he was trying to control his temper. Then it hit me, the last time I tried to take his pain, he stopped me. He told me that it hurt him to see me in that kind of pain. He was upset with me. I had gone against his wishes, and now he was upset with me.
I became scared about what Carlisle was going to do. He had never been upset with me before. I bit my lip and waited to see if I could handle what he was going to do when he was mad at me. My heart was beating faster, and my shoulders were visibly rising with each nervous breath.
After a few minutes, he turned to look at me. This was it. He was either going to do something to me or he wasn't. I had trusted him with my heart, and now, I get to find out if he is indeed worthy like I had thought.
"No!" Carlisle cried out in anguish. He rushed to my side and stroked my back. He must have correctly interpreted my unease. "I promise I won't hurt you!"
I reached out to him, but he quickly enveloped me in my sheet, and refused to allow me to touch any part of his skin. He left my face free so that I could breathe, and I was glad for that. But being unable to move caused me to panic.
"I w-w-won't touch you, I p-promise! I'll do anything you want!" I sobbed, struggling to free myself. "I'll be a g-good g-g-girl! I promise…"
As I said these words, the fear I saw come across Carlisle's face was gut wrenching. He immediately uncovered me as Alice and Jasper came in the room. Jasper took Carlisle away from me and spoke quietly to him while Alice gave me some elbow length gloves.
"Wear these for now until you can control your power better." She explained. "I know you need to be near him now and you can't control yourself yet. These will help. I searched the future, and apparently, you can only absorb through your hands and lower arms."
"Thank you." I croaked.
She and Jasper left the room, but Carlisle still stayed away from me. He looked hurt and very afraid still, even after Jasper had calmed him down.
I was still very upset that I had told him the one thing he asked me not to say. The night I told him about all of my fears, he had begged me not to offer myself to anyone because I was afraid, and here I was a few short weeks later, doing the exact same thing. He must be so frustrated by me.
"I'm sorry." I cried, making no move to go near him, unwilling to force my presence on him.
"I just scared the hell out of you, and you're sorry?" He asked me incredulously. I don't know how it was possible, but I saw the fear in his eyes escalate.
"I didn't mean to panic." I explained. "I don't know why I did. I know that you weren't trying to hurt me."
"Do you think that matters?" He looked so broken.
"Of course it matters that you weren't trying to hurt me, Carlisle." I was shocked that he would think that.
"But you're still afraid of me." He whimpered.
"Right now, I'm afraid that you're going to freak out and leave me." I told him honestly. "I'm not actually afraid of you."
"You're afraid that I will leave you?" He looked confused.
"Yes." I broke down in tears once again. "The way you're beating yourself up over there makes me think that you're about five seconds from deciding that I would be better off without you, which is completely untrue. If you leave me, I don't know how I'll survive."
"But you were afraid of me." He argued, resolved to let me leave if I so desired. "You can't be with someone who makes you afraid."
Now his self-castigation made sense to me. He was deeply afraid that I was going to leave him because I was afraid of him. This whole situation had reminded him of his marriage to Esme.
I climbed off of the bed and slowly made my way to where he was standing and wrapped my arms around his waist.
"I love you, Carlisle Cullen." I declared as I leaned my head on his chest. "I'm not going to leave you."
He still hadn't responded to my embrace, and that worried me.
"Can you please listen to me?" I looked up at him and he nodded. "I am honestly and truly not afraid of you. I panicked, but that doesn't mean that I'm afraid of you. I love you so much, and I know that you love me. I can't tell you how much it hurts me that you're afraid of me. I wish that I could do something to make you understand that I'm not Esme. I won't leave you unless you send me away."
"I'm afraid of you?" He asked, but I said nothing. "I'm afraid of you." This time it wasn't a question it was a realization.
"I don't know why I didn't understand before, but you've been trying so hard to make sure I had no reason to fear you. You've been terrified that you'll inadvertently do something that makes me run away, haven't you?" I tried to comfort him as best I could. "I really wish I hadn't panicked…"
"I failed you, my darling!" He wept openly, collapsing a bit onto me, finally letting go.
"Please don't think that." I told him. "It was an accident which you corrected immediately."
"You're really not afraid of me?" He asked, not daring to believe just yet.
"I'm really not afraid." I hugged him tightly to assure him. "Right now, I'm upset that I didn't see what you've been putting yourself through the whole time we've been together. I feel like I've kept you on eggshells. I wish I could have somehow done a better job…"
"Please don't do this." He kissed my hair. "I wasn't living in terror of you as you have suggested. Like you, I panicked."
"Really?" I was hopeful.
"I was merely staying away from you because I didn't want you to fear me. Yes, I was afraid that I had hurt you, but I didn't truly feel terrified until you apologized." He explained. "Esme always apologized when she was afraid."
"I wasn't apologizing because I was afraid." I clarified. "I wanted to tell you that I was sorry that I said that I would do anything you want. You told me not to say that."
"Can we just forget about the whole thing?" He asked hopefully.
"I don't think we can." I told him. "We both need to face these demons or they will just keep coming back to haunt us."
"Of course, you're right, but I only meant that we both made mistakes, and we both panicked, and I was hoping that we could both be forgiven." He explained, laughing.
"Yes, I hope that as well." I assured him.
He took my head in his hands and kissed me deeply. I returned it eagerly. When I finally needed to breathe, he scooped me up into his arms and carried me to the bed. We lay there, enthralled with one another until I finally broke the silence, trying to deal with what had happened today.
"You were upset with me." I started. "I absorbed your pain, and you were upset with me.""
"Not with you," he told me lovingly, "I had been worried about you all day with the funeral, and having to help you to the water. I was so proud of you for facing your fears, and was immediately deflated when you saw Victoria. I was extremely angry at myself for not seeing her or even considering that she might be there, and seriously questioning my decision to ask Edward to stay away. I was already close to my breaking point when Mike approached us."
"And he called you a pedophile." I remembered, disgustedly. "You've never been anything but a perfect gentleman. I couldn't stop myself from taking away your pain."
"I told you I didn't care what they said about me." He reminded me. "I was hurt because of what he said to you."
"I really didn't intend to absorb your pain." I tried to explain. "I didn't even realize I had done it until I felt your pain."
"I knew that you didn't mean to do it, my darling." He smiled lovingly at me. "I know that it sort of happens without your permission because every time we tell you to stop, it makes you realize what you're doing, and you somehow manage to stop yourself."
"I was afraid that you were angry with me." I confessed.
"Because I didn't explain why I was angry." He reminded me. "I promise not to leave you wondering like that again. Even if I think the explanation will hurt you, I will tell you everything."
"In return, I promise to listen patiently to you." I assured him.
"That sounds like a good plan." He kissed the tip of my nose.
"You have never been angry with me before," I returned to our discussion, "I was nervous about what you might do when you were angry with me."
"That's not true, you know. I've been angry with you before." He chuckled. "When I thought that you had left Edward because of what Jasper had done, I was furious."
"But we weren't together then, and I didn't know that you were upset." I giggled.
"And it wasn't your fault because Edward had lied about that." He added.
"True." I smiled.
"Anyway," his voice turned serious again, "I can safely tell you that I will never hit you or intentionally frighten you if I should ever become angry with you."
"Rationally, I know that." I admitted. "But when I'm already quite emotional, it's hard to remember sometimes."
"And then I made it worse by scaring the wits out of you." He remembered sadly.
"Don't beat yourself up about that, please. I didn't even know that being in that blanket would have scared me. How were you supposed to know?" I asked stroking his face with my glove covered hand.
"You didn't know?" He found that hard to believe.
"I guess I've never had to confront that particular fear before. It makes sense though." I reasoned. "Delia had me confined in that tiny little box for a long time."
"I'm still sorry that I put you through that, even though I know that you don't blame me for what happened." He cupped my cheek with his hand.
"And I'm still sorry that I frightened you into thinking…" I couldn't even say it. I would never, ever leave him. He had proven over and over that he was fully worthy of all of my trust. "I mean, I don't want you to be afraid of me either."
"I honestly thought Esme loved me. I truly believed that she would eventually overcome her fear and we could one day consummate our marriage." He looked so scared that we would become what he and Esme had become. "In truth, she did and still does love me. She just could never want me as I wanted her."
"Do you think that I don't want you?" I asked him incredulously. "I have never wanted anyone the way I want you. I have to concentrate so hard when you're kissing me, or else I'm liable to do some very naughty things to you."
"Really?" He asked me, looking very happy for the first time in a long time.
"Yes, really." I giggled at him. "The only thing that has stopped me was the fact that I knew that you want to wait until marriage, and I didn't want to manipulate you."
"I can't ask you today, Bella." He looked sheepishly at me, though I understood what he meant. Today had been a very emotionally trying day for both of us. "I promise you that I will ask you, soon, but today isn't the right day for it."
I was overjoyed to hear this. He wanted to marry me. I couldn't wait until he asked me.
I really wanted him to stay in here with me, but I was afraid that would conflict with his morals, and I didn't want him to feel like he was obligated because I was upset or because he had inadvertently frightened me. I waffled between asking him and not asking him for awhile before Jasper's voice brought me out of my inner conflict.
"Damn it, Bella, just ask him!" Jasper yelled from the other room.
"Do you want me to tell you the things that I want even if they're selfish?" I asked Carlisle, making sure he really wanted to know.
"Yes." He laughed at me. "I know you worry that I will give you anything you ask, my love. I will try to weigh my own wants in when you ask."
"Then, I want you to stay in here with me tonight and hold me while I sleep." I looked away from his face afraid of what his answer would be.
He took his finger under my chin and raised it until I was looking into his dancing honey colored eyes.
"I would be honored if you would allow me to do so." He told me reverently.