Author's Note: I have struggled with this chapter, much like I did the last one, and I had to mostly rewrite it. I still don't know if I'm completely happy with it, but I am stuck, and I don't anticipate adding anything meaningful that would completely fix my unhappiness. I'm sorry for the slow updates. I haven't been as free to write as I would like.
Chapter 18 – All I Really Want
Once I was away from Carlisle, I felt myself go numb. It was a familiar feeling. It was the same anesthetized feeling I had just after Edward left me. There were two major differences now that would help me get through this. First, I was much stronger than I was before, and secondly, I had Carlisle, well Carlisle and his family, but most importantly Carlisle. However, for now, I could only gaze off into the distance.
"Bella, dear," Esme caught me staring out the window of her car, "why don't you spend some time in the basement, sculpting?"
"Don't you want me to cry on your shoulder or something?" I was confused.
"Hmm…" She thought about it for a moment. "I don't really think that's what you need right now, sweetheart. I think you really need a little distance from the situation to really get a handle on it."
"Like after Edward broke up with me?" I asked and she nodded.
"But if you wish to cry later, I'll be here for you." She assured me.
That was really rather unexpected. I assumed that she would hold and comfort me the way my own mother would, but surprisingly, she didn't. But… I really didn't like it when my mother did that for me. It was really as though she was comforting me when she thought I would need it, not when I actually needed it. Most of the time when my mother would encourage me to have a good cry, I really didn't feel the need to cry, and Esme must have sensed that I needed to really be ready before I received a mother's comfort. Don't get me wrong, my mother did all of her hair-brained things out of nothing but love. I'm sure her classic mom stuff would have comforted most people, but I wasn't normal. She simply had no idea how to give me comfort, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her she was doing it wrong. Esme, however seemed to have figured it out on her own.
As soon as we arrived at my former home, I rushed past Alice and Jasper and went straight down into the basement to put my hands in the clay. It was like a breath of fresh air when the clay slipped through my fingers. For some reason, instead of working out my emotions about Edward, I worked through my emotions about Esme and my mother.
Would my mom be alright with me adopting a new mother so soon after her death? But… I had thought of Esme as my second mother for awhile now, and it had not diminished my feelings for my mother in any way. I loved them both. They were both my mothers. Would Renee be okay with that?
I closed my eyes and cried softly. I didn't want to disrespect my mother's memory by letting Esme take her place. When I looked down at the clay I was molding, an image came to my mind, and I sculpted what I had seen. Renee was handing me, as a baby over to Esme. She had a wistful look in her eye, as if saying, take care of my baby.
After that I cried, hard, knowing that Renee would love anyone who loved me, and Esme absolutely loved me.
I sculpted more of Esme. I should have been working out my feelings about Edward's actions, but this nagging feeling that there was something more about Esme that I was missing.
I looked down at the clay in my fingers and found her beautiful face, looking up at me. I had sculpted various versions of her face on the same statue. The first one I saw was her face just after she slapped Edward. The second was her face when I called her mom for the first time. The third was her face when she went in on that ridiculous bet that Emmett got going about Rosalie's new bed. The fourth was the desperation she wore when Jasper was at his worst. An epiphany struck me. Esme had a supernatural power. She was the perfect mother. She sensed exactly what she should be for all her children. She chastised Edward, loved and defended me, worried about Jasper, and was playful with Emmett. She was and is the best mom there will ever be. That is what I, and everyone else had been missing, just how special Esme is.
I put that clay aside to work on later.
I picked up a new piece and tried to focus on the events of the day, starting with Edward walking in on me. As I systematically remembered every horrible second Edward had me at his mercy. As I thought about it, I wondered if Edward didn't merely lose control momentarily only to regain it as I had previously thought, and he suggested. Maybe, just maybe he planned all of this. If he had just slipped, wouldn't he have just forced me to have sex with him without all of the manipulation, or was this just the habit he had? Edward was calculating and conniving. That was for sure, but was it just his pattern, or did he deliberately try to hurt me? I gave him the benefit of the doubt, for now, because Alice would have seen it if he had planned this in advance.
Over and over again, I could hear Edward ordering me to say that I wanted him, and I refused him. I was left with one terrifying thought. Carlisle was right. Edward was going to break me. I didn't grasp the enormity of the situation before.
The full weight of exactly what Edward had done to me hit me hard. He didn't merely want sex from me. He wanted to make me feel ashamed of myself and dirty. What would have happened if I hadn't managed to conjure up enough courage to finally stand up to him? And that's exactly what almost happened. I had been extremely close to giving in when I miraculously didn't. How could I have ever forgiven myself if I hadn't said, no?"
All of a sudden, I was no longer in the basement. I was back in the room with Edward, and this time, I was too afraid of the closet. Edward wasted no time in stripping off his own clothes and thrusting into me. I let out a scream. I could feel his hands on my skin as he broke the barrier of my virginity. He panted on top of me as I shook and cried. The physical and emotional pain I would have experienced would have been devastating, but that in no way compared to the pain I would have felt over breaking Carlisle's heart.
I knew that this wasn't happening, but it all felt so real. I became terrified of Edward, so frightened that I had to get away. I began throwing things around the basement. I vaguely noticed that Esme, Jasper, and Alice had come downstairs with me and were trying to keep me from hurting myself without actually restraining me. Alice must have told them that I wouldn't respond well to being touched right now.
By the time I wore myself out, I had destroyed every sculpture I hadn't cast yet and at least severely damaged all of the bronze statues I had in the basement. In addition, I dented the walls and floor with some of the heavier pieces, and I broke some of my molds.
Eventually, I collapsed onto the ground, and Esme's arms immediately encircled me. All I was left with was the sheer terror that I had almost ruined everything.
"I almost…" I whimpered.
"It wouldn't have been your fault, Bella." Alice assured me grimly.
"But I was so close!" I argued, burying my face in my hands. "You can't tell me that I didn't nearly give in!"
"Yes, I saw that, but it still wouldn't have been your fault." She tried to reason with me.
"I have to call Carlisle." I was hysterically looking for my cell phone. "I almost… it's my fault. What if I had given in?"
"Edward would be dead." Jasper told me confidently, and Alice nodded in agreement.
"And Carlisle would be devastated." I sobbed and added silently, All because of me.
"Yes, killing Edward would have ripped a hole in his heart, but that was nothing compared to seeing you broken." Alice had a knowing look on her face as she remembered what she had seen of my future. "It was such a short vision that I couldn't see too far, but you were… suicidal. You were afraid to let Carlisle touch you, and guilt-ridden every time you jerked away. You completely blamed yourself, and Carlisle became afraid that you were never going to be able to be with him which caused you even more guilt. It wasn't pretty."
"I have to tell him. He needs to know how close I came to ruining everything!" I was in a near panic knowing what my future could have been if I hadn't been able to stand up to Edward for once.
"No, Bella." Esme gently took the cell phone out of my hand. "You have to stop this and calm down."
"But I almost ruined everything!" I was still rather hysterical. "If I hadn't…!"
"Don't." Esme ordered me rather sternly. "First of all, you were and are exceptionally brave, my daughter. I never managed to work up enough courage to stand up to my husband."
"I didn't mean it like that." I sobbed feeling guilty that I had inadvertently implied that it was her fault she was abused. Esme must have been too frightened to stand up to him. I wished desperately that I could have somehow gone back in time and rescued her from that sadistic bastard. "I don't think it was your fault that your husband hurt you."
"It would have been the same with you. It would have still been Edward's fault, even if you had given in." She reasoned with me.
I had never thought about it that way. This time when I visualized what had happened to me, Esme was in my place, terrified, so terrified that she acquiesced to Edward. Would Glenna have the right to blame Esme if that had happened to her? No, I would be seriously pissed off at Glenna if she had tried to blame Esme for being an abuse victim. And… that's what I was whether or not I found the courage to stand up to Edward. Finally, I could see clearly enough to place the blame where it belonged, at Edward's feet. This was all his fault, and it pissed me off.
"There it is." Jasper sighed in relief.
"What?" I snapped a little more sharply than I intended.
"Your anger toward Edward." He explained, nearly laughing at me. "I was beginning to wonder if you had any capacity to be truly angry."
"I've been angry before, Jasper." I reminded him, rolling my eyes.
"Yes, but not to this extent, or to what I'd like to call Rosalie angry." He pointed out to me, and despite how furious I felt with Edward, I chuckled at his comment, as did Alice and Esme.
"You didn't see her let Carlisle have it in the car on the way to the museum." Alice joined in. "That was definitely Rosalie worthy."
"Anyway…" Jasper brought us back to his original point. "We need to deal with this now, and not put it off."
"Okay…" I told him hesitantly.
"What hurts the most?" He asked.
"That he told me to be a good girl." I shuddered at the thought. "It was his secret code when we were dating that meant I wasn't good if I didn't do what he wanted me to do."
"It's good that you recognize that it was just his wording, not actual truth." Jasper told me, smiling. It's still scary though isn't it?"
"Only because I associate those words with a choice between doing something very unpleasant and being locked in a closet," I explained.
"How do you feel about Edward using that phrase to try and coax you into having sex with him?" Jasper pressed.
"Coax, Jasper?" I nearly screamed at him. "Are you freaking kidding me? He. Did. Not. Coax. Me. He assaulted me!"
"I'm so proud of you, Bella." Esme beamed at me.
"Why are you proud? I'd think you would be ashamed of me. I'm supposed to have forgiven him, but all I can feel right now is burning hatred. I don't even feel bad that I haven't forgiven him." I told her expecting her to at least look a little disappointed in me.
"I'm proud, daughter dearest, because not only are you brave enough to deal with what Edward has done to you, you are wise enough to realize that this is Edward's fault, not yours." She kissed the top of my head. "It took me decades to blame Charles for hurting me."
"Bella, you can't truly forgive someone until you process exactly what they've done to you." Jasper crouched to my level on the floor, taking both of my hands in his. "Forgive me for saying so, but all of the… amorous activities you and Carlisle did earlier didn't really help. They were a distraction from the pain and fear, but they would have seriously made things worse had you let it progress to sex."
Guilt washed over me as I considered how I had used Carlisle to alleviate my pain. How could I do that to him? I had taken advantage of him. I am such a horrible person.
"Carlisle was doing the same thing, and neither one of you purposely set out to use the other." Jasper smiled knowing just what I was feeling. "Stop beating yourself up. You were both doing the best you could with a terrible situation. As I told you before, I would have destroyed Edward if I had found him in that position with Alice. There is no way I could walk in seeing what Carlisle saw…" It took a few moments for him to calm down even just thinking about the possibility. "That being said, Carlisle was right. Killing should not be done lightly. There are cases, like with Victoria and Laurent where it will be necessary to destroy them, but it should never be done in anger or as an emotional decision."
"And also, it was necessary for Edward to see how much your intimacy would affect him." Alice added.
"And thanks for the head's up, by the way, Allie." Jasper mock growled at her. "It would have been nice to prepare for the intense lust Carlisle and Bella put out."
"Oh, you loved it." She rolled her eyes. "You weren't complaining when my mouth was…"
"Alice, please." I covered my ears in disgust, blushing furiously.
"Besides," Alice continued, "I was watching for Edward's reaction. I didn't think to look for yours."
"I don't blame you for that darlin'." Jasper chuckled. "Because that shit was priceless. I only got a brief glimpse of Edward's fury before I had to leave, and it was spectacular."
"I only saw the end." I admitted. "I wish I could have seen his face when we really got going."
"He was murderous." Esme told me. "It was all we could do to hold him back."
"Is he going to try to be right in the middle of us again to make sure we don't do anything?" I asked Alice.
"No," she assured me. "Carlisle will make sure he lets you have intimate moments."
"Good, but I think I still need some time away from Edward." I reasoned. "Right now, I am so angry with him that I'm afraid that I might try to convince Carlisle to hurt him."
"I don't think you'll go that far." Alice giggled a little bit. "But some distance from Edward would do all three of you quite a bit of good."
"Can I call Carlisle now?" I asked Esme. "I just want to hear his voice."
"Sure," she smiled at me, "but make it quick because he needs to hunt tonight."
"Hello, beautiful." He answered on the first ring.
"I had kind of a breakdown." I admitted.
"Are you alright?" He was worried.
"I think I destroyed Esme's basement." I confessed.
"Do I need to come over there?" He offered.
"No, Esme, Alice, and Jasper have been helping me." I told him.
"Is there anything I can do?" Concern for me was laced in every word.
"Just hearing your voice is enough for now." I assured him.
"What happened?" He still fretted over me.
"Well… at first, I was scared about how close I came to giving in, but Esme showed me how it wouldn't have been my fault even if I had. Then… I got really angry with Edward." I explained.
"Of course you did. I'm still rather upset with him myself." He told me. "We're going hunting to talk about his place in this family. Item number one will be how he is to behave regarding you. Do you have any requests?"
"For now, I'd like some space from him." I requested. "I need some physical space from him to work through my anger towards him, and I need him to stop acting like it's only a matter of time before I leave you for him."
"Perfectly reasonable." Carlisle agreed. "Also, I'm going to take more of a fatherly role as you had previously suggested, and I'm hoping to encroach upon Esme to share in the disciplinary responsibilities."
Esme rolled her eyes and laughed.
"You didn't even have to ask." She told him. "If Bella needs space from him, it's only sensible that he stay with me. I will be more than happy to tan that boy's hide if he treats Bella with disrespect."
"That sounds like a plan, although… I can't really cut off all contact with him." Carlisle sounded sad that he might still have to be without his son.
"You can still spend time with him. I just need a break from him for…" I looked at Alice to see how long.
"About a week or so." She told him.
"That sounds fine." He laughed. "You know that you're the most forgiving person on the planet, don't you? A week is far sooner than I expected."
"And exactly how long will it take you to be able to hang around him?" I asked sarcastically. "Oh, wait, you already are."
"Guilty." He chuckled back at me. "I love you, Bella, but I really do have to go so that I can be back tomorrow morning when you wake up."
"I love you, too." I sighed in response and hung up the phone.
Jasper and I talked for a bit before bedtime, and it helped calm me down a bit so that I could sleep. Just before I went to bed, he let me know that I could call him any time I needed to talk.
After a fitful sleep, I awoke to the smell of bacon and started to get dressed when I was overcome with fear that Edward was going to walk in on me. The only thing that kept me sane last night was the fact that before I even arrived, Alice had seen my reaction and removed the doors to my closet. It was a big help in going to sleep, but it did nothing to assuage the terror in my heart that I had absolutely no privacy where Edward was concerned.
"Bella, dear, are you alright?" Esme knocked on my door.
"Will you stay there while I get dressed?" I asked her, no begged her really.
"Of course, sweetheart." She assured me.
I got dressed quickly and let her go back downstairs. I lingered so that I could make a call to Jasper.
"Rough morning, little sister?" He asked knowingly.
"I think I need help, brother." I admitted. "I can't live with this fear anymore."
"I'll be happy to help you." He promised me. "We can work on your fears tomorrow while Carlisle is at work."
"Thank you."
I was a little frazzled from the realization that I was now afraid to put my clothes on, but still, I went downstairs for breakfast. I found Esme and Glenna in front of the griddle in an intimate embrace. I cleared my throat and put on my best suggestive Emmett eyebrow waggle.
"Bella!" Glenna squeaked, embarrassed at having been caught.
The doorbell rang, providing Glenna with a much desired out.
"I'm just teasing, Glenna." I giggled at her. "I'll get the door and let you two do… whatever you were doing."
Esme looked very nervous and actually followed me halfway to the door. I wondered who had come that would make her act that way. It was obvious when I opened the door that she had a definite reason for her apprehension. It was Jacob.
"How could you, Bella?" Jacob screamed at me as he pushed past me and into my living room, leaving the front door wide open. "Another filthy blood-sucker? Are you incapable of a normal, healthy relationship?"
"I… I…" I stammered at Jacob, unable to form a coherent response.
Esme threw him a look and probably growled at him in warning.
"Could you give us a few minutes?" I tried to ask her as politely as I could.
"Like the stupid leech can't hear us from the other room." Jacob growled after Esme as she turned to give us privacy.
"Do you really expect her to leave us alone when you're acting like this?" I asked him angrily.
"Whatever." He huffed dismissively. "I can say what I need to say in front of her."
"You've known that I was with Carlisle for awhile now. Why haven't you called or something to talk about this before now?" I asked him.
"First, I was hoping that he was just a phase. Second, you were never home. Do you live with the disgusting parasite now?" He asked me horrified.
"It's none of your business, Jake, but yes, I live at his house." I informed him.
"Like I said before, you're completely incapable of a normal, healthy relationship." He yelled at me. "He is too dangerous!"
"Then, please Jacob, tell me what a normal, healthy relationship looks like." I rolled my eyes at him and spoke monotone.
"Me, Bella. I am what a normal, healthy relationship looks like, not an undead monster more than three hundred years older than you." He started quietly but ended by shouting in my face. "We could be together, and it would be so natural, but with him, you'd be a necrophiliac."
"I think we should leave the insults out of this. Don't you?" I tried to sound as calm as possible. "All you need to know is that I love him."
"We're soul mates!" Jacob roared. "If you'd just give me a chance, I would prove it to you!"
I bristled at the mention of soul mates. It reminded me of Edward.
"I do not believe in soul mates, Jacob." My voice was shaking slightly as I said this. "Edward wasn't my soul mate, and YOU are not my soul mate!"
There was a time when I would have felt responsible for the pain that he was going through even though it wasn't my fault, but now, I only wanted to reach out and smack him.
Before I could get the chance, Jacob grabbed both of my arms just as Edward had the day before, and what was worse, in the exact same place. It hurt like hell.
"Ow! Jake!" I squealed. "Let go!"
He leaned in to kiss me, and I backed off from him as far as I could.
"Stop!" I screamed, and Esme quickly made her way into the room.
Jacob started shaking. My guess was that his emotions were already on edge with Esme in the other room. When she came in to protect me, he started to lose it.
"Esme…" I said not quite loud enough for Glenna to hear, "he's going to change…"
And I was right. He did change into a wolf, and Esme rushed up and barely managed to get me far enough away from him to ensure he didn't kill me during the change. As he erupted into wolf-form, he missed ripping my heart out by millimeters. As it was, he ripped my shirt and bra in half as he phased. I found myself once again clutching the tattered remains of my clothes.
"Jacob Black!" Esme narrowed her eyes at him as she quickly stood between me and the giant wolf.
"HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!" Glenna screamed.
I ran back to where Glenna was to try and explain the situation to her, but she was beyond reason at the moment and wouldn't let me come near her. Again, it was a struggle to keep myself from absorbing the pain she was so clearly experiencing over the prospect of Jacob killing all of us.
Why could I stop myself with Carlisle yesterday, but struggle when it's someone else? Duh, because it's Carlisle, and he doesn't want you to.
I stepped away from Glenna, still clutching my quickly disappearing tattered clothing. I desperately wished for something to cover up with. Thankfully, Carlisle arrived at just that moment, and once again, he kept his head in a stressful situation. He wasted no time taking off his shirt.
"If you don't mind putting this on, my love." He told me gently as he handed me the shirt.
I was a bit disappointed that he had an undershirt on, but I was rather thankful that I had something to cover up with. I was rather embarrassed being half naked in front of two lesbians and a horny teenage werewolf.
"But he's a…" Glenna's voice shook as she pointed at Jacob in wolf form. She had finally snapped out of it.
"I know, dear." Esme smiled reassuringly. "Carlisle and I can handle him."
"He'll kill you." Glenna whimpered.
"We'll be fine, Glenna." Carlisle assured her.
"No, no, no!" Glenna shouted, still very distressed that she perceived Esme to be in danger.
"Carlisle, can you handle this situation by yourself?" I asked, nodding toward Jacob. "I think Glenna would be much better off if she and Esme could discuss this in private."
"Of course, of course." Carlisle smiled understandingly at Glenna, and Esme immediately excused herself and Glenna in the direction of Charlie's bedroom.
"Now, Jacob." Carlisle turned to him and spoke very evenly. "Would you care to explain why you've so rudely accosted Bella?"
"Can you understand him?" I asked, confused, hoping that there was a solution that didn't involve asking Edward to interpret.
"Um, no, not really." He admitted. "Maybe he wouldn't mind changing forms if you were to shield your eyes, my love…"
"Why?" I asked.
"Because he'll be naked when he changes back." Carlisle pointed to the fragments of Jacob's clothing all over the living room.
"Ah." My eyes widened in understanding before I covered them and waited, listening for any signs that Jacob had phased back to human form.
"Okay, Dr. Cradle-Robber… talk." Jacob taunted.
"Cradle-Robber?" I countered, very loudly, standing to defend Carlisle.
"My darling, he's just trying to get a rise out of us." Carlisle chuckled, wrapping his arms around my waist.
"No, he came here to tell me what a horrible mistake I was making, being with you." I explained, annoyed at Jacob.
"I see." Carlisle answered amusedly. "How's that working out for him?"
"Well…" I laughed with him, "after being manipulated by Edward, Jacob's effort seemed rather pedestrian."
"I can understand that." Carlisle could hardly contain his amusement.
"It doesn't matter. There's no way you can ever change her. You know that." Jake was smug. "You wouldn't ever be able to come back here. It would violate your treaty with us."
Carlisle and I had never had this conversation, and I was nervous about where it was going.
"You don't really have a leg to stand on." Carlisle answered confidently. "You nearly killed her, Jacob, and you frightened the wits out of an innocent human. I doubt the tribal elders will be thrilled with your behavior, and on top of that, I have already spoken to Sam, and he agrees with me. Since she knows so much about both of our secrets, he has agreed to make an exception for her, and now probably Glenna since we have to tell her now that you've let the… cat out of the bag, so to speak."
He talked to Sam about me? That annoying voice inside me was screaming to be heard, demanding that he let me make my own decisions, but my rational side told me that this wasn't what that was about, and this definitely wasn't the time or place to have that discussion. Jacob, however disagreed.
"You can't do that!" He bellowed. "Bella, can't you understand how dangerous this is."
"You know, Jake, if you hadn't almost killed me a few minutes ago, it would be funny that you keep telling me how dangerous Carlisle is, but you were the one who nearly put a hole in my chest." I pointed out to him.
"Bella, please give me a chance." He sounded so sad. "We would be better than great together."
"No, Jake." I shook my head at him. "I love him."
"That's it, then?" He sounded defeated. "There's no chance for us?"
"I'm sorry, Jake. I've made up my mind." I told him confidently.
Unlike Edward, Jacob chose to be gracious with us. "Good-bye, Bella." He told me.
"Good-bye."
About three seconds later, Carlisle scooped me into his arms.
Instead of saying anything, I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him. He kissed me back, hesitantly at first, but soon with such passion that I was gasping for air.
"I've been so afraid that you would be fed up with mythological creatures forcing themselves on you that you wouldn't want anything to do with me." Carlisle looked afraid.
"Don't be ridiculous. You've never forced yourself on me, Carlisle." I told him with as much sincerity as I could muster. "You've never been anything but a gentleman with me."
"After seeing your clothing ripped to shreds once again, I can't help but think that I did the exact same thing to you yesterday." He looked very remorseful.
"Except you had my permission, and you have never once hurt me physically, and don't start in about the many times I've absorbed your pain because that was not your fault." I assured him with a smile. "And don't forget the most important thing. I love you."
He returned the smile and brought his lips to mine again, but this time the kiss was affectionate, but not as passionate. "I love you as well, my darling."
"I have been worried that maybe I took advantage of you yesterday." I admitted.
"Now who's being ridiculous?" He laughed at me. "I wanted you even more than you wanted me."
"Not possible." I argued, striving again to kiss him.
"How about we give Esme and Glenna some space?" He asked as he pulled away from my sudden attack.
"Did you drive?" I peeked outside, trying to find his car. "You've never ran that far with me before."
"I was actually hoping just to go for a walk with you." He looked nervous as he walked out the door.
"You have to put me down if we're going to walk." I giggled at him.
"I never said that you would be walking." He teased me.
"Of course." I told him as I snuggled into him.
There was definitely something on his mind, and he was a little nervous getting around to saying it. During the silence, I remembered what he had mentioned about speaking with Sam.
"Um… I wanted to ask you about what you said to Jacob about changing me." I looked up at him, and he winced.
"I should have told you before, but the timing never seemed right." He said apologetically. "I really wasn't trying to make decisions for you, my love. I just wanted you to know what your options are, and I didn't want to upset you if he didn't agree to allow your change. I merely wanted to see if we could change you without violating the treaty. If you had wished, I would have changed you even if he didn't allow it."
"So you're planning to change me?" I asked, trying very hard to keep both the anger and ironically, the hopefulness out of my voice.
"I think want is the better word, my darling. I want to change you. I've waited more than three centuries to find you. I would like to spend the rest of my existence with you." He still looked rather afraid that I was going to rip him a new one. "But… if you would prefer to stay human, I would never force you to become like me."
"I only want to be like you if you can promise me an eternity with you." I hoped that would be encouraging. He had looked scared to death of me. I wanted to assuage his fears and reassure him that I understood his reasoning and believed that he was trying to help me keep my options open.
"On that note, my love…" He put me down and took both of my hands in his. "I've wanted to do this for a very long time, but the moment never seemed right. At first, I was afraid that you merely latched on to me because I wasn't like Edward, but you put that fear to rest when you told Edward that you wouldn't be with him even if you weren't with him. After that, I looked for the ideal moment to propose, but your parents had just died, and I couldn't do it then. I had actually been planning to propose last night, but Edward hurt and scared you, and then today, Jacob nearly killed you. I wanted this to be perfect, but it seems there will never be that storybook moment with us."
"I never wanted a storybook moment." I smiled at him. "All I really want is you."
"And I want you, my love." He told me as he gently pressed his perfect lips against mine. I was soon lost in him and wanted nothing more than to make passionate love to him right here on the ground, but all too soon, he pulled away from me.
"You have no idea how hard you are to resist." He told me breathlessly. "I don't know how much longer I can fight it. But I feel awful that it might seem as though I'm only doing this because…"
"Stop." I told him gently as I put my hand to his face. "I feel the same way. I love you so much, I can hardly stand to be away from you, and I want to make love to you so badly that it's very hard to resist you. Making love isn't why I want to marry you. It's why I want to marry you soon."
"That makes me feel better." He chuckled. "I want to marry you soon, as well. In fact, I was hoping that you would agree to marry me and accept this."
He pulled out a hand-carved wooden ring box. The detail was amazing. I promised myself that I would look it over later, but right now, all I wanted was to claim the prize inside.
In a very gentlemanly fashion, Carlisle got down on one knee and opened the box.
"Isabella Swan, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?" He asked, smiling at me.
"Yes." My voice shook, and my eyes swam with tears. This was really happening!
I stretched my hand out to allow him to put the ring on me, and I got a good look at the ring. To my great surprise and pleasure, the ring was made out of wood. Carlisle had carved this himself. It looked like it was carved out of mahogany, the same shade as my hair. The stone in the middle was amber, the exact hue of Carlisle's eyes when he had recently hunted. On either side of the stone was a Celtic knot in relief. It was the most perfect ring he could have ever given to me.
As soon as he put it on my finger, he scooped me up under the arms and swung me around in joy.
"I was thinking two or three months, not more than four." Carlisle's eyes danced with anticipation as he spoke. "I think Alice can give you the wedding of your dreams in that time frame."
My face fell. I was thinking a week or two, not in months, and I didn't have dream wedding in mind. The only things I wanted were Carlisle as the groom and my dad to give me away, but sadly my dad couldn't do that.
"Maybe we should focus on your dream wedding since it doesn't really matter to me." I told him as I started to tear up.
Carlisle scrunched up his perfect face, trying to read me.
"You don't want a big wedding?" He guessed.
"A big ceremony would only remind me that my father should be there to give me away." I sniffled.
"I don't know if you're aware, but when I was human, marriages were arranged by the parents of the bride and groom sometime between children as young as seven. My father arranged a marriage between me and a young girl who was only ten at the time of my change. I was waiting until she was older to marry her because I thought it would be cruel to claim such a young child as my bride." Carlisle took a deep breath to collect his thoughts.
"Anyway, our wedding would have merely consisted of a clergyman tying our hands together and saying a prayer over us to bless our union. It was actually illegal to exchange rings, but sometimes we would exchange tokens. Nonetheless, I would have given my bride a ring after the wedding." He stroked my back as he remembered. "In any case, if you're worried that I will want a big fancy wedding like I would have had if I had gotten married as a human, then don't. My bride would have merely worn her Sunday best and maybe taken some extra time on her hair, but our 'ceremony' would have taken all of ten minutes, probably at the end of one of my father's sermons as an afterthought."
"But do you want a big wedding?" I asked, afraid that I wasn't meeting his expectations as a bride already.
"I'm afraid that I may have gone all Edward on you assuming that you would want a big wedding." Carlisle admitted looking rather ashamed of himself. "But no, all I want is you as the bride."
"That's awful about Edward." I giggled at him and swatted his chest playfully. "I would be happy with a simple ceremony with our family present. I can't really see inviting anyone else."
"Glenna?" He wondered.
"Oh, please, Carlisle, she and Esme are practically planning a wedding of their own. I was including her when I said 'family'." I rolled my eyes at him.
"May I invite some friends of mine?" He asked.
"It's your wedding too, sweetheart." I reminded him.
"Even if it's the Denali's?" He looked worried that he might upset me.
"Yes, they're your closest friends." I assured him. "I'm sure Tanya and her sisters will be good at our wedding."
Carlisle's phone beeped with an incoming text.
"Damn." Carlisle whispered when he saw it. "Edward says that he caught Alice's thoughts, and she is on her way to show us the error of our decision. I'm afraid I may have just unleashed her on you, my darling." When Carlisle saw my confusion as to why Edward was helping us have the wedding we wanted, he continued. "He is trying to behave, my love."
"Yes, I get that, but this is about our wedding. I didn't expect him to be helpful about that." I admitted.
"It is very hard for him, but he does still want to be part of our family." Carlisle told me sadly. "We had a long talk last night, and he is truly sorry for what he's put you through, all of it, not just what he did yesterday."
"Can we not talk about Edward right now?" I sighed, not wanting to be taken away from the happiness I was feeling about becoming engaged to the most wonderful, handsome man in the world.
"That would be preferable." He nodded. "Besides, you need to get ready for the force of nature that is Alice."
I braced myself for the whirlwind pixie arrive and make her case for a big, fancy wedding. I planned on reminding her that she had agreed not to manipulate me even if she thought it was really important when Carlisle laughed.
"Apparently I'm not the only one to go all Edward." He continued laughing. "Alice is just within earshot, and she told me to tell you that you're right, and it's your wedding, but she is not happy about it."
"Do you think she can control herself?" I asked him. "Because I really need her help with this even if we don't want the outlandish affair she was probably already planning."
"I can! I promise!" Alice squealed from just out of sight. "I'll make it perfect for you!"
We both laughed at her enthusiasm.
"Okay, here's what I'm thinking." Alice ran over and started speaking very quickly. "We need at least a year to pull this off," I made a face at her and Carlisle growled, "just kidding. We can probably do this in a week."
She checked the future.
"Two weeks if you want to quit your job and go on that extended honeymoon before Bella starts college." She wagged her eyebrows in a very Emmett like fashion.
I blushed furiously at the thought of an extended honeymoon with Carlisle.
"Two weeks?" He kissed the top of my head.
"Two weeks." I agreed, elated.