She was sitting on her sofa, drinking merlot, and twisting the ring on her finger that Loki had given her. The "loaner" as he had termed it.
She was so confused…so sad…so desperate…and she hated that she had been reduced to this. She wasn't like this ordinarily. Jane was…well. She wasn't pathetic, at any rate.
She heard a knock at her door. Jane got up in a sort of haze and answered it.
"Whoa. You alright?"
"No," and Jane went back to her station on the sofa.
"Oh no? You look like shit," Darcy said, sitting down.
"Thanks, Darcy."
"Is it Loki?"
"No!" she yelled. "I mean…no. Sorry. And yes," she downed her wine and her head fell into her lap in disgust and exhaustion. "Door perpissed."
"What? Your voice is all muffled."
She sat up, sighed, and looked at Darcy. "Thor proposed."
Darcy's hands covered her mouth. "Holy fucking shit."
"What do I do Darcy? I have no idea…"
"Do you love Thor?"
"No. I don't even know him."
Darcy shrugged. "Well…he's a rich good looking guy, right? Getting to know him wouldn't really be a problem, would it?"
"Not helping."
"You love Loki."
Jane's head fell back onto the sofa…she was staring at the ceiling. "Yes," she whispered.
"You need to tell Loki. You need to tell him, and then see what happens. Like…maybe he loves you too…? Do you think that he might?"
"I dunno," her hands covered her face, and then fell again. She appeared to be on the verge of tears. "I don't know! Sometimes, I think so…like, sometimes I catch him looking at me, and I think, wow. There is something there in his look. And then other times I feel like he's just being nice, and he hasn't been for so long, and he's just kinda new to it…"
"This sounds like a goddamn soap opera. Who the fuck has time for this shit?" Darcy got up and poured herself some wine.
"It's the holiday's," and Jane got up to obtain more wine as well.
"So you're saying after New Year's everyone will stop acting like psychos?"
"Why are you complaining, anyway? It's not like you have anything better to do."
"Cat's got claws. Sheesh, Jane. That was harsh."
"I'm sorry," she sat again. "I'm sorry. I'm just moody."
"Well. I told you what you need to do," and Darcy downed her wine. "Go tell him. You've already fucked this up. How much worse can it get?"
"Brilliant. My life sucks so bad that it just can't get worse."
Darcy laughed. "I didn't mean for it to sound like that."
"I dunno. Maybe I should. Maybe I should just go and tell him."
"Yes! Go tell him!" Darcy stood up. "Tell him, and I promise it'll be…" she paused. "Well…it'll be better, anyway."
"What time is it…?" Jane looked for her phone.
"Oh…wait. I think it's late. Maybe go in the morning?"
It was. It was late. Long past ten…Jane would go in the morning. "But then…what if he doesn't? What'll I do?"
"Do without, I guess."
Do without. Could she do without Loki? She had gotten so used to him.
He was there when she needed him.
He was so funny…
So smart…
She sat down. She had been alone for a very, very long time. It wouldn't be difficult to be alone once more.
She felt some of the resolve descend upon her. She had been putting this off for far too long. "Alright. You're right. I need to just do this thing."
"There you go. And if he doesn't reciprocate, we can eat ice cream…"
"I could just marry Thor," Jane suggested with a crafty smirk.
"You know, you are way more mischievous that you let on," and Darcy switched the tv on, and sat back in the sofa.
And Jane sighed and sat back with her, not really paying attention to the flickering lights…not really caring about whatever mindless thing Darcy was filling her mind with…
…Loki was reading Keats' "Ode to a Nightingale." He had spent the evening below the photograph Jane had purchased him for Christmas, and he was reading poetry. He had paged through Blake's Songs of Innocence and Experience, glanced over Whitman's Leaves of Grass, desperately tried to avoid Byron, but got stuck on "She Walks in Beauty Like the Night," and damned him to hell. And then of course, there were the Browning's.
A more sickening love story one couldn't hope to discover. She, ill and plain, but a beautiful mind. He, passionate and dark, and utterly desperate for her attentions.
And he did feel Robert Browning's pain in his verse, bleeding its ink, purposeful and striking.
My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk…
The nightingale's verse cooed in the apartment. Keats! What a mind. If he hadn't been so corrupt, he would have studied poetry.
He shut the volume with a snap. He downed the whiskey he had been drinking steadily since he got home.
She hadn't said yes.
What did that mean? What did she mean by it?
Infuriating woman! How was he supposed to decipher her code? He didn't speak the language of sweet-vixen-pixie-seductive-minx-but-oddly-innocent-and-just-the-most-incredible-person-he-had-ever-known; so it would likely remain a mystery.
He would simply continue to make jokes. Eventually it would go away…
He drank quite deliberately. He drank until the bottle was empty.
And he passed out on his sofa.
He isn't answering my texts. He must be pissed off…
Jane threw her phone on the sofa after sending her third text to Loki without an answer. They were, as follows: Hey Loki. If you're home today, I'd love to talk. No answer. So…when you get this, can you let me know? Nothing. I'm gonna head to MGH. Maybe you're there.
That last one was silly. She should just stay at home until she heard from him. And then a thought occurred to her…Frigga! She might know where he is…Hey Frigga. She paused. She needed to construct this just right. She sat down and took a deep breath. I'm heading to the hospital. Is everyone already there? There. That works.
Five minutes later…Oh yes! We are. Are you coming, dear? Thor was just asking about you. He checked his cellular phone, and you weren't in his contacts. He said that it's possible you are under a different name on his phone. Do the names "Debbie Dozit" or "Sarah Swallows" mean anything to you? Anyway! We are here! Looking forward to seeing you!
Oh my fucking god. Jane laughed. No…but I'll see you in a bit.
Jane started to slip her shoes on. Her hands were shaking…
It was now. Now was the time…
She put her coat on. She sighed and fought the tears which were threatening to spill.
What if he didn't love her? What if he laughed and said, Come now Jane. Me in love with you? Don't be absurd. Or…How could I love you? You are a liar and a cover up artist. I don't even know who you are. Or…I was in love with you, but then I discovered your true colors. No wonder no one has ever been in love with you. No one is as foolish as I am, apparently. She could actually hear him speaking those last words. He didn't think much of himself, not really.
She took her time walking to MGH. Hopefully Loki would be there…maybe she could suggest that they talk in the cafeteria.
But oh! She did love him! He was everything she was looking for in a mate, even though she had never really thought about it before.
He was kind, but sarcastic.
Handsome, but not obviously so.
Brilliant, but not smug.
He cared for his family, but wasn't annoying about it.
She entered the hospital and slunk to the elevator. Best check the room first.
Jane Foster swallowed her fears over and over as she approached room 307. The bed was empty. She crept in, "Hello?"
And from behind her, she was grabbed, pulled around, and the next thing she knew, someone was assaulting her mouth.
She struggled…but then stopped…it and been so long…so very long…
And she had been caught so unawares that she honestly had no idea how to react.
"Nothing quite like public displays of affection," came his voice.
Fuck.
Jane pulled away to find Thor smiling at her.
"Apologies, Jane. I was conducting an experiment."
And Loki slid into the room around them. "I'd watch my back if I were you, Jane. Thor, conducting experiments…?"
Jane blushed. Of course he would walk in on my first kiss in over a year with my fake fiancee right when I was about to tell him I loved him. She paused. Wait…that didn't make sense…no wait…and she ticked off what she had just related mentally…No. That made sense…
"Well, Thor. Your embrace certainly has an odd effect on your fiancee. She appears as though she is trying to make out her grocery list. You should see to that," Loki smirked. "Never fear, Jane," he whispered. "I understand that he improves with practice. Not unlike a dog might."
"Be quiet Loki," Thor said, climbing into the bed.
Jane blushed and felt as though she might be ill…
And Loki felt the bile rising with every utterance. But he was strong, as he sat down. He was strong…
"Oh Jane! Good, you're here! I wanted to see you, to ask you if you could come over a bit later to the house," Frigga bustled in.
"Um…well…"
"Mother has some things for the wedding, Jane." Thor smiled at her.
"But…"
"Just a few things. You know. Old things and such," she smiled. "But," she paused, noting Jane's look. "Of course, if you have other things to see to…"
Not really…just spilling out my heart to your son who probably hates me or will be hating me and dumping your other son even though we were never in a relationship. Other than that, I'm totally free. "No. I can do that." Cowardly thing.
"Well. I'm going to the house now, mother. Need to speak with Heimdall," and Loki turned his back to the party and left.
Jane held out her hand to his back as he left the room; she wanted to stop him. She needed to stop him! "Um…I should go, too. I really ought to get…"
"Why don't you come to the house now, Jane? Thor is being released later on."
"Thor is…" Jane's gaze snapped to Thor.
"That's right. My head has been deemed passable," he winked at her.
Ew. Was he being suggestive? And Jane did think that had Loki been there, he would have made a snarky remark about that being questionable. "Oh…in time for the New Year, then?"
"Isn't it wonderful, Jane?" and Frigga took her arm and squeezed it, gazing upon her oldest son, beaming at him.
"Yeah. Wow," she didn't even attempt to mask her concern.
"Heimdall! Heimdall! I know you're here…you always are. Don't you have your own house?" he ended with in a mutter. Loki went to the kitchen…"Heimdall, stop playing your inane games!" he went to the power room. There was the cad. "I need to speak with you immediately."
The seer was washing his hands. "You know Loki, I should be angry with you for interrupting a very private moment."
"If you mean to tell me that you were just masturbating," Loki began as Heimdall passed him.
He smirked. "There are other things one can accomplish in a washroom besides masturbation. But then, you must be engaged in that activity a lot as of late, if that is where your mind went."
"Shut up," but his eyes fell. "Yes."
Heimdall shook his head and went to brew some coffee. "You should just tell her," he paused. "What did you want to talk to me about so urgently?"
"Thor is coming home tomorrow," Loki sat in a chair at the kitchen table. He thought that Odin should replace some of these chairs. Or mend them. He looked about and thought that the kitchen required a fresh coat of paint.
"What are you examining? The kitchen's paint won't hide your love for Jane."
Loki wasn't amused.
"Oh, alright. Thor is coming home. So?"
"So! They'll be married! And Frigga is talking about a New Year's ceremony! And then…" Loki swallowed. "I've been having rather violent reactions to this dilemma."
Heimdall set a cup in front of him.
Loki sipped. "I don't understand why Frigga loves this muck. It's like putrified jet fuel."
"No accounting for taste. Anyway…I suppose you haven't told her."
He shook his head and swallowed.
"Loki, if you don't do this, if you don't, you will regret it for the rest of your life."
He sighed heavily and his head fell back.
For a split moment, Heimdall considered telling Loki everything…but he thought that Jane really ought to be doing the telling. "It'll be difficult, but it needs doing."
"Why did I fall in love with her?" and he covered his face with his hands and his elbows fell to his knees.
Heimdall laughed. "We can't control these things Loki. The timing was right. She appeared when you needed her."
"Rubbish," but he paused.
"If you like," and Heimdall emptied his cup.
"I don't like, Heimdall! I don't like any of it! It's all fucking ridiculous. I'd rather be doing anything…anything than falling in love with a pixie-ish, impish…"
"Anything…?" Heimdall smirked.
"Don't even suggest it. I am not fixing that blasted dishwasher."
"You said anything."
"Yes, Heimdall. But fixing your fuck up does not mean that I will no longer be in love…"
The dishwasher Jane had purchased was behaving oddly. Heimdall was convinced that Fandral had mucked up the connection, but couldn't be bothered with seeing to it. "It was Fandral."
"That's worse. Get that git over here and have him fix it."
"What git?" in came Frigga.
"Heimdall here lacks honor, mother. He wants everyone else to fix his mistakes," Loki finished his coffee and stood.
And there was Jane, standing in the doorway, looking as though she might vomit.
"Jane?" he asked with concern. "Are you alright?" And he spied tears glistening in her eyes. "Jane!" he went to her, and took her hand, leading her to a seat. "Mother, get Jane some water…she's fallen ill."
"I'm not sick," and she took her hand from Loki's. "Oh god…"
Heimdall went to her. "Jane Foster…"
As she looked at him, she allowed her eyes to tell him…I can't do this anymore. I just can't. And he nodded.
Frigga handed Jane some water. "Jane?"
"I'm in love with your son," she blurted out.
"Oh yes, of course you are, dear," she appeared to be relieved.
"Not Thor…" Jane whispered, and her eyes fell. "With Loki," she breathed.
"With Loki…" and Frigga looked at him. "What have you done?"
But Loki himself had sat at the table, his palm covering his mouth, his eyes fixed on Jane.
She began to sob. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry…it just happened…the nurse…and I was so silly….and then, I couldn't stop it…it just kept happening, spiraling out of control…"
"What are you on about, Jane?" and Frigga was desperate.
Odin came in. "What's going on?"
"I'm not engaged to Thor. I never was. We had never even spoken before…I….I had seen him, every day…" she heaved…"…but we didn't know one another. I didn't ever talk to him before I shoved him into the street away from that taxi…" she looked around at them all. "I'm so sorry…" and the tears poured from her eyes. "I was just so alone. I fell in love with you. With all of you…and now. Now I guess…"
"Why didn't you tell me?" Loki's voice split the plane of sound.
"I didn't know how to," she said, not looking at him. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry…" and Jane Foster left the kitchen.
She left the house.
She left behind the family whom she loved desperately.
The man whom she loved even more…
…and she never felt more alone in her life.