Knight25 : So it isn't just me then?
Opnir : I personally respect Snape for his sacrifice later in the canon story, so no, I will not be torturing him. Also yes, I agree with that statement.
EnderDragon21 : Thank you, Magic, Thank you.
DragonNOOB : Indeed, I hadn't thought of that, thank you.
Guest : The poll leans towards both, so yes.
A tall man sits in a cell made of concrete, head hung, arms crossed, unkempt black hair falling slightly into his face. He sighs, and looks to his left, seeing a woman standing in the cell opposite his. The woman is somewhat short, with unruly brown hair, and a crazy look in her eye. "What's the matter, Sirius? Feeling down in the dumps? Well get over yourself, so is everyone else!" She mocks, and Sirius strokes his small beard and mustache, before responding, "Something is just... off today, LeStrange. It's not like it'll affect us all the way down here, though."
A huge explosion rocks the entire facility, and Sirius shoots up, screaming, "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!" a sentiment shared by LeStrange, who screams the same in sync with him. They feel intense passing waves of despair and worthlessness as dementors fly by their cells, black flowing cloaks billowing out at their speed, off in the direction of the explosion. Several moments later, a large number of gunshots are heard, before silence.
The two prisoners can at that one moment put aside their differences as they look each other in the first fear they had felt in years not caused by dementors. Several minutes of staring later, another massive round of gunshots resounds, significantly closer than the one before. "ALRIGHT, YOU MAGGOTS!" screams a very American sounding man far away, "NOW YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRY AND RESIST! NOW COME ON!"
LeStrange starts to cry as the two hear heavy footfalls slowly approaching, mumbling, "I don't wanna die... I don't wanna die..." Sirius, however, tries his best to see the approaching men, but can't yet. He finds it somewhat easier to keep himself together in the face of certain death.
To the surprise of them both, a metal ball with a green "eye", two arms placed up really high, and two legs walks out in front of the cells, and says in the same voice as the American, "Alright, now I'm going to say the same thing I've said to every other miserable slime ball in this prison. Have you seen Sirius Black?"
Sirius, against his better judgment, calls out to the ball, which is looking at LeStrange, "I'm Sirius Black." The metal being turns around, and asks simply, "Are you sure?" while narrowing its eye. Sirius does not respond verbally, instead choosing to cross his arms and raise an eyebrow. "Good enough for me!" It says cheerfully, "My name's Rick! I've been sent here to free you. The other prisoners are being brought elsewhere for testing. Follow me!"
Using a device in its hand, Rick fires an oval of light blue coloration on the ground outside the cell, and another of light purple coloration inside the cell. All of a sudden, the ovals turn grey on the inside, the rim staying their colors. "Jump in the portal, and follow me," Rick states helpfully, and Sirius, not sure what else to do, jumps in, and suddenly feels upside down as the metal thing named Rick grabs him, and sets him upright. To his surprise, he finds himself outside of his cell.
"How did you do that?" He asks Rick, his facial expression one of pure awe. Rick chuckles, and the ovals disappear.
"My boss might tell you if you ask. Apparently you're someone important to a close friend of hers, someone that almost qualifies as her son." Sirius' expression becomes even more awestruck.
"Who?" Rick chuckles again at the ex-prisoner's question.
"Ask my boss later. For now, help me round up the rest of the prisoners."
That is just what they do for the next hour or two, gathering up all the prisoners in a room full of weird white ovals that kill people who resist too much. Rick punches open cells, and Sirius helps him herd them all down to the room. "Now!" Rick pulls out another device, shooting an orange oval on the ground, "Everyone in the portal!" Fearing death, every last one jumps in.
"Now what?" Sirius asks, and Rick shrugs.
"Our turn." Rick jumps in, and Sirius follows close behind.
Sirius is surprised, to say the least, to find when he goes through the portal to be in a white room with a massive metal caterpillar with a strange head connected to the ceiling manipulating pincers, labelling the liberated prisoners, and sending them somewhere via vacuum tube, all the while insulting them in a monotone voice. He finds himself even more surprised that there is a very specific Hogwarts employee watching the whole thing whilst conversing with a child in a lab uniform.
Said employee notices Sirius, and calls him over, "Sirius, come talk to Harry! It's been forever since you've seen him, after all!" The simple statement almost knocks Sirius down. He rushes over to the kid, almost in tears, saying, "Harry? Is it really you?" The child scientist laughs, saying, "Well, Sirius, I expect you to take me serious when I say that yes, I am Harry Potter, your Godson."
It takes everything he has for Sirius to not break down in tears as he quickly pulls Harry into a powerful hug of deadly force, muttering, "You even have my kind of humor. It's so good to see you again, Harry." To which Harry responds by choking out, "Too... Much... Can't... Breathe..."
The large machine turns to face the three, and says, "Please do not kill my head scientist, Sirius. That's my job." And Sirius nearly shits himself when it hits him as he lets go of Harry. "No... Wait... Just... Joke..." Harry gasps as he sees Sirius about to make a suicidal attack on his boss / caretaker / mother figure. "Just a joke?! How is this a joke?!" Sirius exclaims, his face red, and his eyebrows knitted together.
Dumbledore cuts in, "From what I've gathered these past few hours, GLaDOS, the big machine, killed the scientists who made her because they kept tampering with her mind, attaching something called 'cores' to her repeatedly, putting a bunch of annoying voices in her head, to the point it drove her nearly mad. She was, in fact, mad for a good deal of time, but she eventually regained her sanity." GLaDOS cuts in as well, "Your friend Rick over there just so happens to be one of them."
"Wait," Sirius shakes his head, before bringing his hand to his head to rub his temples, "You're telling me I was saved from prison by a mechanical crazy voice?"
GLaDOS brings her optic very close to Sirius face, but says nothing for a good ten seconds. When she does speak though, she keeps it very brief, saying, "Yes," and then turning back to her task.
Sirius waves his hands at Dumbledore and Harry, before saying, "Let me see if I've got this straight. I have been broken out of prison by a machine that is controlled by a crazy guy style mental voice, and this whole thing was masterminded by a giant machine that killed a bunch of people, went crazy for a while, and raised my Godson."
Dumbledore and Harry look at each other for a brief moment, before they both look back at Sirius and nod. "Great..." Sirius mumbles.
Harry claps his hands together in the manner people do when they're about to change the subject, and does just that, "How about I introduce the two of you to my friend Dinky? She's very smart, so I think the two of you will like her. Follow me." He starts off for the opening in the room, gesturing with his arm for the two to follow.
About thirty minutes of catwalks later, the three find themselves outside of a very inconspicuous sliding door. "This is my room," Harry tells them, "I need to get something first, feel free to check it out for now." He opens the door to reveal a room the size of a small apartment, complete with a bed, a television, two chairs, a refrigerator, a small kitchen set, complete with cabinets, a spice rack, and a pot / pan holder, and two standard doorknob doors, the walls a sterile white, and the carpet a relaxing blue. The strangest thing is the light purple unicorn lying on Harry's bed.
"What a cute unicorn, Harry!" Sirius gushes, rushing over to it to stare, and Harry pinches the bridge of his nose, complaining, "Dink, why are you in my room?" The unicorn raises its head and blushes slightly, its horn lighting up, leaving Sirius with a feeling of weightlessness as it moves him from its way. It chuckles nervously, before saying in a light feminine voice, much to all but Harry's surprise, "H-Hey, Harry. Who're these guys?"
"This is Dumbledore, and this is my Godfather Sirius Black. Now. WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING. IN. MY. ROOM?" Harry gets closer with each word, until his face is in hers.
She sighs, before conceding, "I wasn't very careful with the runes, and now there's a mutant undead potato monster in my room. It isn't doing anything, but it tries to suck out my soul when I get near it."
Harry's palm meets his face while Dumbledore asks incredulously, "Who taught this unicorn to talk?" Dinky, as the unicorn is most likely named, knits her brows together, and says angrily, "My mother taught me to speak, an my father taught me how to use my magic. I don't need idiots like you asking me where I did this or who did what to me when the answer is so damned obvious. Figure it out yourselves for once." Harry starts to laugh slightly, while Sirius laughs outright.
"Well," says the ex-prisoner lightheartedly, "I'm off to prepare the wedding!"
"HELL NO!" the child and the unicorn scream in sync, and Sirius just laughs harder.
"You aren't doing anything but making me think it's a much better idea than earlier! I'm off to Diagon Alley to buy some wedding gifts, now! Ta ta!" He runs back out the door, Diagon Alley bound, before returning ten seconds later, admitting, "I don't know how to get out of here."
AN: Fun right? I mean, who doesn't want their Godfather to annoy the living shit out of you by repeatedly insinuating that you want to marry a close friend of another sentient species? You must pity Harry, audience. Pity him, for he hath unleashed an unstoppable force. He hath unleashed Sirius Black, God of Chaos and Variously Colored Chocolatey Explosive Sprinkles.
Also, WHAT IS THIS MADNESS? GLaDOS ONLY HAS THREE LINES THIS CHAPTER?! WITCHCRAFT! BURN HIM! BURN HIM! But seriously, I don't want some weirdo thinking that I'm going to eventually faze her out or something, she just has a small role this chapter, dialogue wise.
ASHPD Development signing off of the mars mission simply because he's a pussy when it comes to danger! See you later, !