AN: Sorry for the wait, I've been working on something... Kinky... And pony related... ANYWAY, From the poll, it looks like Harry is going to have two girlfriends. Sort of, hehehe.
DragonNOOB : YOU WISH IS (not necessarily) MY COMMAND!
Kaws : Indeedly doo dah.
Tsamoka : Thank you!
Ddragon21 : That is shockingly similar to my plans, actually.
Opnir : Add Lupin to the torture list and you have a deal. Snape is resentful, but Lupin is downright biased.
"So... You mean to tell me that Harry once killed a bald evil wizard with no nose named Tom Riddle or Voldemort, who killed his parents, all the while having no knowledge of magic or even any potential? He defeated an evil wizard, with NOTHING?" Dumbledore scratches the back of his head nervously, and coughs into his hand, "Yes, well, you see, um, he, uh... That's just what we think happened, we, err, we have no evidence of anything other than, Voldemort was there, Harry's parents died, Harry didn't." GLaDOS sighs, shaking her head at the ridiculous wizardly logic.
"Forget I mentioned it..." Harry walks into the room with Dinky and Sirius, one of whom has a minor head injury, and the other looking angry, Harry himself just looking embarrassed. Dumbledore's face falls into his palm.
"You took that 'perfect couple' thing a little too far, didn't you, Sirius?" He groans, while Sirius starts to blush a bit. "After we took care of the undead potato," Harry interjects, "He led us into another room, which was suspicious. Little did we know he charmed it on the way there, for some reason, to open into a chapel. When we all walked through, suddenly he was dressed as priest, I was in a tux, and Dinky was in a gown. From the injury on his head, I'm sure you can figure out easily what followed."
"Why did you do that, Sirius?"
"I could feel his sexual frustration." Sirius is, for once, completely serious.
"Sexual frustration?"
"Yes."
"In a TEN YEAR OLD BOY?"
"Yes." Dumbledore groans, Dinky laughs at Sirius' stupidity, and Harry just blushes a little harder. GLaDOS asks, confused, "I'm sorry, why would our resident HUMAN boy be sexually attracted to our resident UNICORN filly? For the first time ever, I'm afraid I do not understand."
"There's nothing to understand," Dumbledore assures her, "Sirius here has just gone a little crazy from overexposure to Dementors."
Dinky looks to Sirius with an evil glare, and growls, "I'm going to make you sing a girly song. Just watch." Harry pales at the memory that resurfaces, and Sirius just laughs, responding fearlessly, "Oh yeah?"
Dinky does not respond for a few seconds, but instead chooses to glare, before she decides that it is time. It is the ultimate time, for the ultimate comeback. "When you're rife with devastation, there's a simple explanation," Sirius unwillingly joins in, "You're a toymaker's creation trapped inside a crystal ball!" Dinky cuts off, but Sirius is forced to keep going.
The reactions of the group is mixed, if only slightly. Dinky is laughing in triumph, GLaDOS is laughing because she can, Dumbledore is rolling on the floor, howling with laughter at his acquaintance's misfortune, and Harry is standing there, pale, as the time Dinky did just that to him flashes before his eyes.
When the vengeful impromptu musical number finally ends, Sirius scowls at the blonde unicorn, who is currently laughing her head off in a maniacal manner. Dumbledore eventually gets up from the floor, and, wiping a tear from his eye, says, "Bravo, my good man, bravo! I have no idea how that worked, but bravo! I call for an encore! All in favor?" Everyone except Harry and Sirius provide some sort of 'yes', and Dinky begins once more to sing...
A few months later, Dumbledore returns with news. "Harry has officially been accepted into Hogwarts School of Wi-" Dinky Cuts him off, "Yeah, yeah, we get it, Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, except humans. We get it, Dumbledore. We get it."
With a huff, Dumbledore hands Harry a list, saying, aggravated, "If you want, I can take you to Diagon Alley for school shopping, Harry," before he turns to Dinky, "I talked to the Wizengamot, and they said you can apply to school as a sentient being if you so choose. Personally, though, problems might arise, like assassination attempts on the 'ungodly demon of purple coloration' that 'plagues' the minds of the young wizarding school children."
Dinky stares for a moment, Harry stares just as long, hell, even GLaDOS stares, if only for a millisecond before turning back to Atlas' and P-Body's testing. Dinky's mouth opens, as does Harry's, and the ever eloquent, poetic, and holy words pour forth from their mouths in perfect unison, "Say what now?"
Dumbledore gives the pair a deadpan look, and repeats himself, consciously attempting not to go on another tangent, "Dinky can come to Hogwarts. Beware of assassin children."
The pair now both smile broadly, and GLaDOS turns back to Dumbledore, droning, "I approve with my whole being of this decision, but I have one question. I have heard of the legendary bird communication system. CAN. THEY. USE. A. PHONE?" Dumbledore sighs, and taps his foot.
"Perhaps if they enchant one to work at Hogwarts, it will. There's just a lot of magical interference, so most Muggle technology fails. I took a look at that ASHPD explanation you gave me, and it should work. As should personality cores. Phones, basic computers, and even calculators on the other hand? Nope."
"So maybe."
"That is indeed what I mean."
"You should probably warn anyone who wants to contact me that I kill birds, and do it with a light heart and a smile on my face." Sirius walks in just then and is about to make a sarcastic comment, before GLaDOS swivels around and says, "Figure of speech, Black. It was a figure of speech."
"I can take them, you know," Sirius points out helpfully, but Dinky quickly shoots him down, "You're an escaped fugitive and a pervert, Sirius. Also, you're insane. In other words, no, you cannot take us shopping for magic stuff. I'd rather go with Gilda, and she was a royal pain. I'm sure you can guess where."
Sirius turns away with a huff, but doesn't press any further. Dumbledore, on the other hand, "I could take them shopping. It would seem a bit like favoritism, but they don't have anyone else other than an escaped fugitive, a woman in a computer, bolted to the ceiling, and a pair of idiot robots. I think it'll end just fine."
"I want to see this wizarding world. I'm coming with you," Everyone in the room stares incredulously, and GLaDOS goes on, "I made a body, no, not a real one, an android shell that I can upload myself to in order to interact with the world outside of Aperture Laboratories."
Everyone nods in understanding at that, and so, the group goes about their business planning what to do when they go to Diagon Alley.
The large brass doors of Gringotts slam open, startling everyone inside, as a cheekily smiling Dinky sighs loudly, "I've always wanted to do that." What follows her in is one eleven-year old Harry Potter, one Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, one pale woman, who is secretly an android, with dark brown hair, about Albus' height, and two testing robots dressed up in overcoats and plaid hats, just like gangsters.
The bizarre group finds their way up to the front desk, where the goblins stare incredulously. Dumbledore clears his throat, saying, "We're here for the Potter vault, here's the key, before you ask," he hands over a golden key, but eventually places it on the table as the goblins continue to stare at the purple unicorn, "And also the You-Know-What in vault You-Know-Where." That snaps them out of their stupor and they switch back to serious mode, opting to disregard the talking unicorn, and instead do their jobs.
One of the goblins scrutinizes the key, before handing it back to Dumbledore, who immediately hands it to Harry, saying, "I believe this belongs to you, my good man," in an over-exaggerated version of his usual English accent, making him sound like Merlin or something. The goblin who handled the key stares a bit, and then shakes himself out of it, motioning for the odd group to follow a different goblin through another set of brass doors at the back of the room.
The area they step into is shockingly reminiscent of old aperture, at the very least architecture-wise. The only noticeable difference is the utter lack of portable surfaces, and the fact that the oversized vault doors are gold instead of steel. GLaDOS whistles, "Impressive. Now I know how the Olympiads felt that one time." Dumbledore stares oddly at the android, but Dinky quickly whispers an explanation in his ear, and he nods in understanding.
The group is, unfortunately, far too large to fit in the trolley, so instead, they take the long way, a goblin named Griphook leading them to both vaults. Unsurprisingly, given they took the long way, it takes them a full hour to get to Harry's vault.
When Griphook opens the vault, however, Harry and Dinky find that their jaws are now upon the ground. GLaDOS looks at Dumbledore, and squints slightly, "That's a lot of gold. I'm sure no one would notice if a few hundred thousand coins were to, say, disappear, correct, Dumbledore?" Dumbledore responds with a flat look, and GLaDOS laughs to herself, "You DID have the key, Albus."
Dinky rushes in just behind Harry to see just how tall that one mound of gold is, and as it turns out, it's just tall enough for Ditzy to come up to about three quarters its height. "This is fucking amazing..." Ditzy murmurs, as Harry walks back over to Griphook. "Language," Dumbledore points out, and Ditzy responds eloquently, "English," to which Griphook barks with laughter.
"Now that we've managed to pin down what language we're speaking, can someone tell me how I'm going to carry any of this?" Harry asks, crossing his arms, and just before Griphook can answer, GLaDOS bends down, and pats Harry's head, saying in a baby voice, "Why, all you have to do is put it in your Quantum Pocket, little baby human wizard thing..." She cuts off, freezing for a moment, before continuing angrily, " What the hell is going on with my sarcasm processor?"
Harry shrugs, and walks back over to the pile Dinky is currently digging a little hole in, and starts shoveling a few handfuls of coins, maybe 300, into his pocket, and Dinky complains, "Hey! I'm trying to make a lab in here!" Harry just gives her a look, and she sighs, putting the coins back in the hole, before she gets an idea, "Can I have some?" She asks enthusiastically.
Harry looks at his old friend, shaking his head at her weirdness. "You're a smart filly," he says, "and that doesn't help me understand in the slightest why you act like this sometimes. Maybe it's GLaDOS' humor processor rubbing off on you, maybe you're Autistic, or may-"
"My father is Autistic."
"That's wonderful, Dinky, and you know what? Take as much gold as you please, because I have no clue what I'm doing right now, and neither do you." Dinky smile obliviously, shovels a good 500 coins in her pocket, and the two walk out of the vault.
"Now to spend yet another hour walking," ATLAS suddenly states in a very masculine voice, and everyone except GLaDOS, Griphook, and P-Body turn to him in shock. "I gave them speech," GLaDOS explains, and everyone, except Griphook, who is now confused, nods in understanding.
"Actually," P-Body interjects in a very feminine voice, and then fires a white portal at the ground, which opens up to reveal the lobby, "We could just take one step." Everyone, except Griphook, who is even more confused, claps.
Dumbledore slides the vault closed, and everyone jumps single file through the portal. Griphook, after weighing the risks, follows, and the portal closes. "What was that?" He yells, "Apparition isn't possible in Gringotts!" GLaDOS responds very simply, by taking the basic portal gun that used to belong to Chell, trapping him in an infinite loop, and immediately rushing the rest of the group out of the bank.
"That was... odd. GLaDOS, why did you..." Dumbledore asks, and GLaDOS chuckles, "Because I wanted to. He was also not very nice." Dinky laughs, holding her sides, as the wizards start to stare, and she gasps out, "...Hyp...Hyp...Hypocrite! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" GLaDOS growls slightly under her breath, before she sighs, and the group follows Dumbledore to Madame Malkin's.
- I AM A RANDOM CUT OFF IN THE STORY THAT DOES NOT QUITE QUALIFY AS A CLIFFHANGER!-