Notes: When your ex comes back from the dead, what kind of questions do you ask yourself late at night? Felicity tortures herself with asking, what if?
The Arrow characters and universe do not belong to me.
Felicity's mom likes to say that the two most destructive words in the English language are, "What if?" In her head, Felicity knows that her past cannot be re-written and wondering what might have been if she'd chosen another path will do nothing to alleviate the pain she is feeling now. But her heart, oh how her heart wants a way to stop the pain. Her heart wants a moment in time to focus on, a moment in time where everything could've been different. Her heart wants someone to blame.
What if Cooper Seldon didn't sit in front of her in her first-year seminar?
What if she never agreed to her first date with Cooper?
What if she never showed Cooper her super virus?
What if Cooper didn't fake his own death?
That last question, that's the one that's keeping her up at night. She doesn't wonder if they would've stayed together, gotten married and started a family, but she does wonder where she'd be and who she would've become. Being kidnapped by your back from the dead ex doesn't make it easy to find peace or answers, but it does keep you awake thinking about what might have been. As she lays in the dark, staring at the ceiling, Felicity knows that despite his betrayal and death threats, she isn't even all that angry with Coop. What is keeping her up at night is the pain in her chest that makes it hard for her to breath and when she asks herself, what if Cooper didn't fake his own death?, the question has very little to do with Coop and everything to do with Oliver. If Cooper hadn't died, she's pretty sure she never would've met Oliver. Alone in the darkness with another sleepless night stretching out before her, she wishes she never met Oliver Queen.
The morning after her kidnapping she'd gone to see Oliver. She needed to see him and to hear the sound of his voice. When he stopped himself from approaching her, she could feel the cracks in her heart deepen. She wanted to scream at him. She wanted to shove him or shake him. Anything that would bring her Oliver back. A dark chasm, filled with all his fears and self-doubt, gaped between them. Ever since Sara's death, she'd tried to move forward and create a life for herself outside of the Oliver and Team Arrow. It was about self-preservation. It was about her dignity. It was about fighting for herself when he'd given up. In the past, she'd been the one to fight for him when he'd been ready to surrender, but she didn't know how to make him fight for her, for them. He had to get there on his own, but she had to stop hoping that he would.
The problem wasn't just that he'd taken away her dreams of what could be, but he'd stripped her of her best friend. Oliver was the person she told about her day. He was the first text in the morning and the last one at night. He was her soft landing when the world struck a cruel blow. Over the past five weeks, she's needed him more than she's ever needed him before, but he's become a passing shadow in her life, a form without substance. She knows that he needs her too, but even though he is looking at her with such longing and regret he is still holding onto his choice. He has planted his flag of solitude, causing the ground between them to crumble.
It has been five weeks since they've touched and the absence of intimacy is both a knife through her heart and a blessing. She wants nothing more than to feel his hand on her shoulder or the warmth of his embrace as she grieves for Sara's death, her own heart break and for Coop's betrayal. At the same time she is grateful for the absence of his touch because it would be an all too painful reminder of what he has chosen to walk away from.
Learning about her past has done nothing to diminish his feelings about her. He told her that he's grateful for what she'd gone through because it led her to him. Of course he realizes that without her creation of the super virus or Coop's alleged death, she would never have been drawn into his crusade. Coop's death had frightened her from pursuing some of her crazier programming ideas, but it had instilled in her a strong desire to make a positive difference in the world. When she saw Oliver's potential for good, she knew she'd found where she was supposed to be. She finally had found her way to making a difference. Every life she helped Oliver save was a way to honor Coop and the sacrifice he'd made for her. But Coop wasn't dead. He let her grieve for him. He let her guilt haunt her for five years. Her life had been built on the lie of his death and she really needed to talk to her best friend about it. Even though they stood within feet of one another, the gulf between them kept them rooted to their spots. She wanted to tell him that she had to walk away from him because she couldn't watch another man she loved commit suicide. Oliver wasn't putting a literal noose around his neck, but he was embracing the inevitability of losing his life to his cause.
So yes, she wanted to scream and shout at him. She wanted to pound his chest and upend tables because the grief of losing him is slowly swallowing her whole. Instead, she smiled and told him that they were all stuck with their families, no matter what. In spite of everything, Oliver is still her family and they are definitely stuck.
What if Vertigo waited for their second date to fire his rocket?
What if Sara hadn't overheard their chatter?
What if Oliver never loved her?
What if Oliver never crawled into her backseat?
What if Oliver never stepped into her office with a laptop full of bullet holes and his beautiful smile?
Her mom was right. All of her What ifs could destroy her.
She hopes that each step she takes further from him is actually leading her back to her best friend. She really needs to be able to tell someone about her day. She knows that if anyone else were causing her this pain, Oliver would be moving heaven and earth to protect her from it, but he is the one breaking her heart and only she can put a stop to it. A life without Oliver in it is something she can no longer imagine. She is done imagining what might have been. There will be no more, what ifs. There is no going back so she must choose how she moves forward.