Still be here
Chapter Two: Alone
Edward's POV
The days following Bella's funeral I shut down. It was best to block out the feelings of pain and loss when around the kids so I built up a mask to wear with them. After reading the first entry in Bella's journal I had to put it away otherwise I was going to lose myself again. It went forgotten in my bedside table until Alice mentioned it in passing, asking if I had checked it out recently. That night I of course took it out to read.
The kids were tucked in bed and the house was dead silent so I knew I wouldn't be disturbed. I wanted to read this away from everyone, in complete solitude so I could break down if I needed to, which I suspected I would. Reading the words was like listening to her voice, talking in my ear. That journal was like a connection to her, as though she was still alive, guiding me through it all.
I settled down on my bed and ran my fingers over the cover, cherishing it. Taking deep breaths, setting myself up emotionally, I opened the book and flicked to the correct pages. And like before, her voice filled my mind.
Bereavement
You and the children are going to have very different reactions to my death. I don't know how to offer you comfort Edward other than say I love you and that your family is there for you. They can help, you should talk to them. I need you to be able to move on from my death, ensuring that the children can do the same.
In regards to Louis, Robert and Annabelle, they will all act differently from one another. Obviously I'm not sure how they will react but I can tell you the things to look out for or what to maybe do. They could lash out, pick fights and generally act angry. Or they could shut down, blame themselves and turn away from the things they used to like.
You need to be as open with them as you can, and put it in language they will understand. I suspect that will be harder with Annabelle compared to the boys. Robert may struggle to understand at first but I believe he will catch on eventually, Louis will probably play a part in that. With Louis, he will be the hardest to handle. He has grasped this entire situation from the beginning so knows it all, it won't be simple.
If you need to get professional help for them, and yourself, then do so. It's not a shameful thing to accept help. They may need it, you're going to have to make that decision. No one will make that decision for you though. You may need to realise that yourself and if you do, that's okay. I love you Edward and I do not want you to torture yourself with my death. If you need help, take it, no one will blame you for it.
I know it can't be easy for you now Edward, living your life without me there but I need you to keep trying. It'll become easier in time. And remember, I'll always love you.
Bella
I closed the journal, silencing her words and put it back in the drawer, out of sight but not out of mind. I continued to take my calming breaths until the swarm of emotions had been beaten back. It was gradually becoming easier to hold everything in, as long as I didn't think about it.
Bella had brought up some very good points, ones I would share with my family in regards to the children. Carlisle would be able to help me a great deal no doubt, advising on what behaviour to specifically look out for. It was clear that at this point in time I would be relying on my family more than ever.
That night I slept, dreaming of my blushing brunette beauty. Bella had been in every one of my dreams since the night she died and I saw no chance of it letting up. Frankly I didn't want the dreams to stop. She returned the next night, and the night after that. I would find myself going to bed early just to spend more time with her, but of course it was never enough and when the buzz of the alarm went off I wanted to kill someone, preferably myself.
Days continued to pass, and I was still living, just not feeling. My family's watchful eyes never let up, constantly checking to see if I was managing or if I was still sane. It was getting rather tedious after a while but I knew they were only looking out for me. The kids were doing okay, well Robert and Annabelle were.
Louis had done a one-eighty with his behaviour, compared to what he was before Bella died. He was moody, aggressive, foul tempered, cheeky, and turning into a right little git. It started out with him just yelling at Robert, for God only knows what, and then it turned into him breaking the frame of a family photo. I wanted to kill him for that but thankfully my parents were around at the time and stepped in.
His attitude didn't change and November moved into December with no improvement. Annabelle had stopped asking constant questions about mummy's death, which did help my mood, and Robert had acknowledged it in a lengthy talk with Carlisle, but still nothing from Louis. Although he understood it perfectly he was struggling to move past it.
On one particular night in early December it was clear things had to change, for all of us. Everyone came round to have dinner and just be together. It was my mother's way of keeping the family in touch despite one key member no longer being there.
We all had dinner, which was bearable, and then the kids went next door while we settled in the kitchen. I was just leaning against the worktop, not taking notice of what they all were talking about. It was best to just let them get on with and leave me to my memories of Bella and I talking late at night in this very kitchen. I could see her washing dishes by the sink, sipping coffee at the counter, hunting through the fridge late at night, and see her smiling at me by the doorframe.
What dragged me out of my trip down memory lane was Louis coming through looking genuinely pissed off. I didn't know what had set him off but hell, from the look of his face it had to have been something big. Then again it could just be another mood swing he's having.
Louis came in and, spotting his mood, Emmett spoke to him. It was a joke of some sort but Louis didn't find it funny and instead stormed out the room, sprinting his way up the stairs and then there was a slam from his bedroom door. I sighed and rubbed my head, expecting so much.
"Whoa, what's wrong with the little man?" Emmett asked, looking lost.
"Nothing…nothing he's just been…acting out." I shrugged.
"He's done that before?" Alice asked, frowning.
"Yeah that and some other stuff." There was too much to explain so I wasn't even going to start.
"Have you reprimanded him for it?"
"No, why?" I was shaking my head, not understanding her sudden curiosity.
"Would Bella let him get away with that kind of behaviour?" Everyone blanched at her question. No one had played that card yet and I didn't think anyone would. Using Bella like that was not nice. I glared at her and she sighed before biting her lip. "He's looking to you for leadership, give him it."
"Alice, his mother is dead; I'm not going to go off at him for slamming a door."
"You have to Edward. Don't you see, that boy is testing the boundaries. He thinks that everything is going to be different without Bella around, that you are going to let things go a bit. Louis is slamming a door right now but what happens when he's picking fights at school? He's angry Edward and wants to take it out on someone. That can't happen."
"Alice is right Edward," my mother said, sipping her tea.
I flipped at that point, losing my mask of contentment. It was all so hard. Without even thinking about it I threw the glass of water against the wall, it smashing down into hundreds of shards across the counter and floor. Alice gasped in shock and the others looked on in surprise as I began my tirade.
"What do you want me to do, all of you, seriously? Do you know how hard this is? I am a widow now, raising three kids alone! My wife died! She died and left us here. I can't do this without her. She's gone, for good. They don't understand and no matter how many times I explain it nothing changes. Always the same questions. It's too hard and it wasn't meant to be this way." I crumbled against the worktop.
Jasper stood up and came over, pushing me out of the kitchen. I let him, not fighting his efforts. Emmett was walking behind him, leading me away. They clearly were trying to calm me down so I didn't lash out like that again.
Looking behind them I saw Alice picking up the glass pieces as my mother wiped away her tears, Rosalie comforting her. I needed it all to end. I needed Bella back. This wouldn't be happening if she was here. Instead things would be back to normal. I wouldn't be going to bed alone. I wouldn't wake up alone. I wouldn't be alone period.
The guys opened the back door and moved us into the garden. I was practically a limp body, being held up by their arms. I didn't have the energy to care anymore. The ice cold breeze hit my back as they stood me up, in the centre of the backyard.
"Let it out," Jasper said, pushing me backwards.
"What are you talking about?" I asked, rubbing my arms, attempting to keep warm. My simple shirt was doing nothing to protect me from the cold and I wanted to go back inside, at least to grab a jacket.
"You're angry, get it out Edward. You can't keep this bottled up. If you do it'll eat you alive and next time you could lash out at the kids."
"I'd never-!" He shut me up with a glare, his eyes begging me to challenge him because of course, I didn't know when the next time I would lose it could happen.
"Do you really want to take that chance?" Emmett asked, frowning at the ground. "I know you're hurting Edward, more so than us but you need to get yourself together."
"I know that! I know what I have to do but I just can't! She's everywhere. She sleeps next to me at night, she's there when I wake, she's in the bathroom when I shower, she's in the kitchen when I cook, she's in the car when I'm going to work, she's in the living room reading when I'm working, she is everywhere!" I was on my knees, beating the ground with my fists. "I want the pain to go away, I want it to stop," I whispered.
"I think you should go see someone," Emmett said, his voice sounding cut up.
"What do you mean?" I asked, not bothering to lift my head. The cold grass was actually comforting in a numbing sort of way.
"Get professional help. You can't seem to do this yourself." I heard Jasper hum in agreement
"After Christmas. We need to get through one holiday at least."
"Edward-"
"No, please. After Christmas."
Both of them were muttering to one another but then agreed, making me promise to ask Carlisle for someone to get help from once the holiday season was over. If I didn't do it then they would and I know that would make things impossible for me. Esme was already frantic with worry; she'd just blow her rocket if she suspected I was putting off getting help.
I read over Bella's words from the journal that night, once everyone had left. Well, I say everyone but actually my mother had come to sleep over in the guest bedroom. I think she was freaked out by my reaction earlier that she needed to stay around and ensure I wasn't going to do anything drastic to either the children or myself. Her lack of confidence in me should have been worrying but I didn't care.
Rereading the journal, particularly about what she said in regards to getting help, I didn't feel so awful and such a failure. I knew things would be hard when Bella died but I never expected it to affect the kids so much, which was a serious mistake on my part.
As I gave my word to Jasper and Emmett they didn't see the need to mention it to the rest of the family, for which I was glad. It is not as though they would react badly, just that they would encourage me to do it before Christmas rather than after. I was only so adamant about that as I felt the holiday would bring home her absence and give us something to move forward with.
So after Louis' temper tantrums and my outburst I tried to keep things normal from then on out, or as normal as they could be. When it came to putting up the Christmas decorations Esme made it a family affair and had us all take part. Annabelle and Robert loved it and relished in the festive activities, while Louis stayed in his room or when he was there he watched on looking bored. I was at a complete loss as to what to do with him.
With each passing day Christmas grew closer and I knew it was getting time to read Bella's journal entry. She had small entries and memories in between her big entries but I found those small ones left me reeling for days to come. I loved them with every bit of my soul but it was as though my healing wounds were being ripped open all over again. However, I was not going to cast it aside and leave the journal to gather dust.
Eventually I got down to reading it; again late at night while everyone else was asleep. It was better that way, I could cry myself to sleep without someone coming in. Like last time I soaked in her voice as I read, knowing that she was still with me as long as I could hear her.
First Christmas Without Me
I'm not going to sugar-coat it because that wouldn't help you at all. So to be blunt, this holiday is going to be very, very hard, for you and the children. You need to celebrate it though, give them some form of relieve from the problems going on. Just because I'm not there does not mean things have to stop.
Keep with the routine. We've gotten pretty good at Christmas if I do say so myself Mr Cullen so this should be easy to do. Wake them like usual, or rather, let them wake you. Open the presents first, then the stockings second. Let them play but cook a light breakfast. Your family have agreed to come round and help you Edward, they want to be there for this too. Esme has agreed to bring food so coordinate with her what all of you will be eating. Dinner will be at the usual time and round things off with letting them watch a movie. They're used to this, it shouldn't have to change.
Do the same for the rest of the holidays that come up – keep to the routine. They need to know they can still have fun with you, without me there. And remember, I'll always love you.
Bella
Come Christmas day we followed the routine exactly as to how Bella had suggested it. I did everything we normally would do and I stuck to her words like they were the Holy Grail, though to me they were.
For a change the children all enjoyed it, even Louis. My family made it a great affair and I found myself enjoying something for the first time in months. Christmas was also the night Alice decided to tell us she was pregnant. I was very happy for her, but a small bit still felt sad; recalling all the different memories of Bella pregnant.
By the time the night was over everyone, including myself, was shattered. The kids retired to bed early, having been worn out, and I stayed up for a while with my parents. Only when my mother headed to the kitchen did I ask my father to send me some contact information for professional help. He seemed to be ecstatic that I was even asking for it and to him I made his Christmas.
Within days of having that conversation the information was emailed to me. There were two sets of numbers, someone for the children and someone for me. I called them both and set up appointments, knowing it was best to start as soon as. Breaking the news to the kids though was going to be a difficult, that much I knew.
Although Annabelle and Robert had both shown signs of moving passed Bella's death I didn't want to take any chances. They may not fully, though I believed they did, understand the situation and this time round I thought it better to be safe than sorry. After all, her death would no doubt affect the rest of their lives.
Alice came over the night I had agreed to tell them, more so for moral support than anything. Plus, I think she wanted to remain firmly involved and for that I was not going to fault her. I needed all the help I could get, despite thinking I was making small improvements.
We sat the kids down in the kitchen and I explained the situation in full to them. I had to speak at a level Annabelle would understand and eventually she caught on to what I was saying. When asking if they would go Robert and her agreed right away, seeing no harm in the matter. Louis, of course, did not agree.
"I'm not going," he said, shaking his head and storming from the room. I rubbed my forehead with my hands and let him go. I would get to him later. Turning back to the other two I checked to see if they were both still okay with going, which they were, and then left them with Alice.
I nipped up the stairs and knocked on Louis' door briefly before entering. He was sitting curled up, his knees to his chest, on the bed, glaring at the comforter. His dark bronze hair was in complete disarray, no doubt from him running his hands through it, a habit he picked up from me.
"Louis?" He looked up at me as I sat opposite him on the bed. "I think we need to talk."
My boy shook his head, frowning and biting his lip. His breathing was picking up, as though he was going to cry, but he was fighting it back. I didn't want him to hold back, he was doing just like Bella said, shutting down and lashing out.
"Louis I need you to go see this doctor," I began. "I know you don't want to but I promise you, it'll help."
"How?" he mumbled, messing his hair again.
"You're missing mum, and it hurts." Despite it not being a question he nodded. "Well this doctor is going to help take that pain away. They're going to help you, Robert and Annabelle."
"What about you? Who's going to help you?" I was taken aback by that. I thought I had hid my pain from them well but apparently not.
"Do you think I need help?"
"You still miss mum."
"I'll always miss mum." And I would. Hell, I don't ever see a time where I won't crave to have Bella back in my life.
"Do you cry?"
"Yes I do occasionally."
"Alec said boys don't cry." Louis was fighting back his tears, doing a much better job than I seemed to be able to do.
"Well in this case Alec is wrong. There is nothing wrong with crying if you need to." His breathing picked up some more yet still, not a single tear fell. "Louis it's alright to cry, it'll help. And hey, if you don't want anyone to know, then this can be our little secret."
"Promise?"
"I promise." That seemed to do it.
Louis collapsed into my chest, sobbing his heart out. He beat my shoulders with his fists in anger, then began clutching at my shirt like he was going to lose me. I held onto him tightly, trying to reassure through my simple touches that I wasn't going anywhere. Saying that aloud would be foolish as Bella had said the same thing to him only days before we found out about the cancer.
My boy spent most part of an hour crying himself into exhaustion. He ended up crying himself to sleep and once I had him tucked into bed I did the same thing in my room. His pain was my pain and that night I felt it like I had been struck by a thunderbolt.
Louis did go to the appointment and gradually his mood improved. I went to mine and the other two to theirs. It was all going okay for them and that's what mattered. My pain and suffering was insignificant to theirs.
Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries came and went but still the hole in my chest remained. It seemed to be irreversible damage from her death, one that could only be reversible if she came back to life. As I didn't see that happening anytime soon I continued on the routine I knew so well. It worked for the most part.
Whenever there was a new entry to read I would find myself giddy with excitement, desperate to hear her voice, which never failed to disappoint. Another part of the journal was a recipe section at the back that I had to be filled in about by Alice. Bella had written down all of her recipes in a fashion that meant I could cook them without getting too lost. Before discovering that my parents usually brought food round but upon finding it I jumped on the opportunity to cook like she had, take the advice she had left and just feel that bit closer to her.
Summer passed by uneventfully for all. The once family holiday Bella, the kids and I would take was abandoned due to my inability to come to terms with her loss still. No matter how much work I did with the Doc I was still feeling her death like it happened yesterday.
Too soon the school year was approaching, which meant Annabelle's first day at school. She had been excited about it last year, before Bella died, but this year seemed put off it for whatever reason. I didn't know how to even approach that subject, thinking she wouldn't remember, so left it well alone.
Leading up to her first day of school I took out Bella's journal and followed my usual mantra. It was an all too familiar ritual I had with that book but seeing as it was the only thing keeping me sane I did not complain.
First Day of School – Annabelle
Our little girl's growing up fast. Today is a big day for her. She'll look adorable in her uniform so take plenty of pictures; though I'm sure Alice will come round and do that for you.
So how can we make this day easier for our girl? Well I suggest that you make sure she feels comfortable with the arrangements. Annabelle usually adapts well to new situations but this one might be different. Walk her through her day with her, talk it out and make sure she understands that you will be there to pick her up. Explain that all the other children are new too therefore are just as nervous as she is. If, for whatever reason, she doesn't want to go please don't let her off. This is one step she needs to take, no matter how much she kicks and screams.
Ask the boys to make sure she's okay and settled before heading off to their class if you need to go early and ensure they're alright with returning to school too. They do need to go though; it will be good for them in the long run, getting back into that routine.
It won't be as hard as it seems. Before you know it the first day nerves will be gone and she'll be itching to go to school. Though we both know that feeling won't last for long. Good luck on that first day, and remember, I'll always love you.
Bella
On Annabelle's first day of school, much like Bella said, Alice came round ready to take pictures. My darling girl showed off her uniform to her aunt and then proceeded to get ready, up to Alice's standards. Bella should have been the one to do that and it broke my heart knowing that she had looked forward to that day so much, only to miss it entirely.
Gripping the counter tightly I counted to ten in my head before beginning the next task that was on my list. I made the boys' lunch and put them in their bags and then started on Annabelle's. Alice came down telling me my girl was ready to go and then showed herself out so she could get to work on time.
A few minutes after her departure Annabelle made her way back down the stairs, looking as immaculate as ever. I saw Bella's face in her eyes and had to physically tear myself away from looking at her. It just hurt too much. Trying not to dwell on those emotions I put myself to work finishing up her lunch.
"Are you ready?" I asked.
"Yeah." It was a lazy response which stopped me mid-stroke of buttering the sandwich. I placed the knife on the counter and knelt down to look her in the eyes. Annabelle glanced up at me when I put my hands on her shoulders.
"What's wrong darling? Why do you look so sad?"
"Mummy said she'd hug me goodbye today. She's not here."
"Oh." I didn't know what to say to that, surprised Annabelle even remembered that promise. "Well seeing as mummy isn't around, how about a hug from me instead? Would that make things better?"
She was pouting but nodded, throwing her small arms around my neck tightly. I forgot how impossibly hard this all must be for them. Hell, Annabelle didn't fully understand what was going on. To her, mummy was gone for good but that's it, she doesn't seemed to have fully grasped that mummy died, she didn't leave by choice, no matter how many times I try and tell her that.
Releasing her from my hug I finished making her lunch and then boxed it up properly before slipping it into her school bag. The boys had made their way out to the car and were waiting patiently in the backseats, both amusing themselves. Annabelle crawled in the back with them as I locked up the house and then we were on our way.
I dropped the boys off, letting them get out and head to wherever it was they went to. Once they were dealt with I parked the car and helped my baby girl out the vehicle, giving her a little assistance putting her bag on over her blazer.
We were sheltered from the wind by the car, leaves licking at our ankles. Kneeling down so I was at her height I gave her a smile and opened my arms again. She fell into my embrace, clinging again. I told her that I loved her and that I would be there to pick her up once school finished. Then we went through all her worries and I did my best to squash them.
"So, are you ready?"
"Yeah." It wasn't very upbeat but there was a look of determination on her face that had me convinced she'd be alright.
"Okay then, let's go." I stood up and reached down, taking her hand in mine.
We crossed the road and headed into the school yard, all the while her grip on my hand grew tighter. I got her to her classroom, kissed her head goodbye and watched as she was introduced to the teacher and some of the other students. Bella should have been there to see it.
Knowing that this was one hurdle I had successfully jumped I felt an overwhelming sense of pride but it was mixed in with a sense of dread. There were going to be many more hurdles I would have to jump, alone, and many of them would fall. God Bella, where are you when I need you?
Walking back to my car I made the trip alone, which was how I would be spending the rest of my life; alone.