Chapter Three: Hallucinations
Edward's POV
Life carries on. That was what I was beginning to learn, and it was a hard lesson.
By the middle of September Alice had her baby (who was very late much to Alice's dismay), a little girl who weighed in a six pounds and seven ounces and was forty eight centimetres in length. They named her Lillian, or Lily for short, and she was a welcomed addition to the family.
After Bella's death, although it had been so long ago it was still fresh on our minds; we needed something good to happen. And Lily's birth was just that. Of course it sent everyone into chaos, which was actually rather comforting. It was good to know that despite losing a family member we could still all be ourselves. It's not as if we don't feel her loss any more, just that we don't take life for granted.
Lily's birth was the culmination of that realisation. With her birth we all gathered together to celebrate, and dotted on her constantly. Annabelle was ecstatic that there was now another girl in the family as she kept saying how she wanted a little sister. She would have had a younger brother or sister had it not been for the cancer that stole her mother.
I couldn't help but look at baby Lily and picture her with Bella's hair colouring and facial features. It was hard at times. Originally Bella and I only planned for two children, a girl and a boy. When we had two boys we wanted to try again for a girl. After Annabelle's birth, though not right after as Bella still wanted to cut my balls off for putting her through the birth again, we did speak of maybe having another baby.
That would never happen now, of course. Bella was gone and I clearly couldn't make a baby myself. Not that I would want to either. It wouldn't be the same without Bella around. As much as I hated to admit it, she was always better with them when they were babies. It was like she just knew what they wanted and when they wanted it. I, however, was a complete mess, getting the formulas wrong, putting the diapers on the wrong way and just generally making a royal mess of it. We enjoyed it though, and those years were some of our best.
Thinking about Bella all the time was just so easy to do that half the time I wouldn't realise I was doing it. There would be times, much like now, where I would think about something and suddenly she would come up and that's all I would be able to think about for the remainder of the day. Slowly I was driving myself crazy with it.
To keep myself partly sane I still attended the professional help my father set me up with. The children were also still going to theirs, which was very helpful. Annabelle and Robert had both made the most improvement in regards with coming to terms with their mother's death but I always knew they would. Louis was getting there but even now, ten months on, he would still cry himself to sleep at night or get upset when someone mentioned her. We were rather similar in that aspect.
Every night she joined me in my dreams, where we would live out the life we were meant to have, and every day I would struggle to get by in one piece without her, yearning to go back to sleep, to go back to her.
On the outside, I presented the perfect mask. To everyone I was doing okay, I was still stung from Bella's death but had moved on. Inside, I was grieving as heavily as I was the day she died and the day we buried her.
It still felt like a part of me was missing. I never got the term 'my other half' but now I understood it perfectly, because that's exactly what I realised I was missing. My other half had died and I was struggling to cope.
To try and keep some semblance of normality I kept the guys' nights Jasper, Emmett, Jake and I used to have. Jake stopped coming though. He and my wife always had an unusual relationship, having known each other as little kids, and I suspected that he was in love with her. That didn't stop him being a groomsman at our wedding or being godfather to Robert though. But it was clear; Bella's death tore him apart. He didn't have the memories I had with her. He didn't have her undivided love and adoration for seven years straight before fathering her children. No, he had childhood memories and teenage fantasies.
I couldn't hate Jake for loving Bella though. It wasn't so blatantly obvious that's what he felt for her when she was alive otherwise I probably would have hated him. I just assumed they were close friends at first and then when Bella and I started going out he became a good friend of mine. Now though, things were different. She wasn't there to brighten up his day and I could understand why he wouldn't want to spend his time with the man who married the girl he loved.
Losing his friendship didn't hurt. It only reminded me of what Bella brought into our lives. She held us all together and without her things were obviously breaking apart. Thankfully though, I still had Jasper and Emmett. They were going nowhere. So like usual, when the game was on they came over with food and beer to watch it on my TV as, apparently, I had the best one.
Robert and Louis were both staying with friends that evening and Annabelle was up in her bedroom when Jasper, Emmett and I settled down in front of the television. They had strategically placed the beer and food out on the coffee table and side tables so we could reach them without having to move anything other than an arm. It felt good, to finally relax a bit and just take things as they came.
"Daddy?" a small voice said from the doorway. Knowing that Annabelle was the only other person in the house I turned on the couch to see her walk over to us.
"Yeah?" I asked, giving her a small smile and setting my beer down next to the lamp, on a coaster. Bella always insisted on coasters and looking at Jasper's beer on the coffee table I was glad to see there was a coaster for it too.
"Are you busy?" Annabelle asked as she jumped up onto the couch and sat down. She tucked herself underneath my arm and looked up at me with those impossible to say no to eyes.
"No, not at all. What do you need?"
"I want to play but no one is around to play with." She pouted and looked down sadly. I hated when she looked like that.
"What do you want to play?"
"I want to play with my doll's house. Mummy used to play with me but she's not here." I pulled Annabelle closer and kissed the top of her head, closing my eyes in pain at the memories of her mother camped out on her carpet playing with her.
"We can play."
"Really?" she asked, smiling.
"Yeah. I'll just clean up in here for a second and then be right through, okay?" She nodded excitedly and scampered off into her bedroom. Getting up off the couch I grabbed my beer bottle and finished it off, heading into the kitchen. "Can you guys hit record, so I can watch this later?" I asked Em and Jasper, nodding at the TV.
"Yeah we can record this, watch it later, can't we Em?" Jasper asked.
"Of course, no problem at all." Emmett hit record and then turned off the TV, getting to his feet as he did so.
"What are you doing?" I asked, frowning in confusion as Jasper got up as well.
"Coming to play," he replied, like it was nothing. I watched rather astounded as the two of them began heading up the stairs to Annabelle's room. I followed though, and walked in behind them as she just finished setting up the doll's house my parents had bought her.
"Are Uncle Em and Uncle Jazz playing too?" she asked, seeing them too.
"That's right kiddo, so show us how it's done," Emmett replied, sitting down crossed legged in front of the doll's house. Jasper smirked and joined him on the floor. I just smiled and sat down, thankful for their help.
Two hours later the three of us were sitting on the floor, each with a stuffed animal on our laps, holding plastic tea cups. This was something I never saw myself doing, and I could tell Em and Jazz didn't think they'd be like that too.
Once tea was finished it was time for bed and after letting Annabelle get changed in private we tucked her in, said goodnight and shut the door quietly behind us. Em headed to the kitchen to grab the beers and some food while Jazz set up the TV again. Within minutes we were back where we had been two and a half hours before, watching the game.
"I just want to say, thanks. That really meant a lot to me," I said, nodding at them both. "You really helped me out."
"Hey, no problem. You know, that kinda made me think about some things. Rose and I want kids of course and I always thought I'd want a boy but hell, I could do that. I'd really like a little girl now," Emmett said, shrugging. "I can just imagine myself spoiling her, and of course she'd be Rose's double and have her brains. It would be a lot of fun." He lost himself in his own thoughts before taking a drink of his beer and looking at the screen.
Jasper didn't need to say anything, his eyes said it all. He understood how hard that was going to be for me, knowing my little girl wanted her mummy but had to settle for her daddy instead. His natural calming nature helped greatly. They were the brothers I needed at that moment and I knew they would always be there for me.
When the game finished I hugged them both goodbye, thanking them once more. Both said it was nothing but they evidently knew how much it meant to me that they were willing to play with polls and tea sets for my baby girl.
As the boys were out and Annabelle tucked up in bed I decided to retire for the night too. I shut up the house and headed up to bed, checking in on Annabelle before moving on to my room. Shutting the door behind me and flicking on the lights I looked over at the bed. It was made neatly without a wrinkle or crease on the cover, just how Bella liked it.
Stripping down to my boxers I nipped into the bathroom and brushed my teeth then washed my face. Looking at myself in the mirror I noticed lines that had become more prominent since Bella's death, and the all too familiar bags underneath my eyes that never seemed to go away. I looked plain haggard and worn out, which was exactly how I felt.
Throwing myself into the darkest depths of my memories I pulled all of them involving Bella together so that I could imagine her here with me. It was like I was using them as the power to my imagination, conjuring her up, despite knowing that she wasn't ever coming back.
I saw Bella, dressed in those small boy shorts and matching tank top that she had, standing behind me in the mirror. She was biting her lip as she moved towards me, looking as tempting as ever. Her slim arm wound round my body to rest on my waist as she stood on her tip toes and leant her head against mine, chin on my shoulder.
"We look good together,"she said, smiling at me in the mirror. I couldn't help but smile back and nod, my arm taking her other one.
"We look great together, always have and always will." As if in agreement she kissed my cheek and then down to my neck.
"I've missed you."
"I can only say I've missed you more, but I'm so glad you're back." I gave her hand a squeeze and brought it to my mouth to give it a kiss.
"I am too."Her smile disappeared and she didn't look so happy anymore. She frowned at me as her hands ran over my face. "You don't look as good as you did when I was last here. What's happening? You need to take care of yourself."
"I'm trying but God, it's hard without you." I took a deep breath and was overwhelmed by the smell of strawberries. Despite still having three bottles of that shampoo under the sink I didn't dare smell it anymore. Now though, I was basking in it, knowing that my wife was back completely.
"Well it'll be easier now, I'm here."And thank God for that. Untangling myself from Bella I turned round to see her. She looked up at me with those beautiful doe eyes I missed and a small smile playing at her soft lips I was so desperate to kiss once more. Knowing that she had returned, she was back in my arms, meant I didn't have to hold back anymore.
I crushed her to me, kissing her as passionately as I could. She returned my kiss with as much passion possible and was practically clawing at my hair and skin, like she was trying to become one with me to be closer. Moving out of the bathroom we walked backwards into the bedroom. It only took a second before we were on the bed, her on top of me and kissing down from my lips to my neck.
"I love you, don't ever leave me," I whispered, lifting her head back up to mine and just holding her to my body.
"I love you too, and I won't. I'll always be here Edward, forever."Kissing Bella once more I returned to trying to show her how much I loved her and how much I missed her by worshiping her body until I was dead from exhaustion.
In the morning I woke up with the sheets rumpled round my waist and naked. My head was killing me and it felt like someone had smacked me with a pan. Looking over at the clock I saw it was twenty past seven. I reached out over to Bella's side of the bed only to find it empty. Turning over sharply I looked for her but she wasn't there. I got up quickly, calling her name and checked in the bathroom. She wasn't there.
As Annabelle was in the house I quickly threw on clothes then jogged downstairs, calling Bella's name somewhat quietly so I didn't wake our little girl. I could hear someone in the kitchen so felt relieved that she was in there but when I arrived all I saw was Alice with baby Lily in her arms.
"Where's Bella?" I asked, frowning.
Alice looked at me in confusion and opened her mouth but no words came out. She shook her head, shutting her mouth before opening it once more.
"What do you mean, where's Bella?"
"She was here, last night. She came back. She was-" I broke off when I saw the tears streaming down her cheeks.
Alice placed Lily down in the pram she had with her and grabbed the phone. I heard her speaking to my father and I couldn't understand why. Once off the phone Alice returned and gave me a hug. She cried a little more when I asked her what was wrong and where Bella was.
When my parents arrived along with Jasper, Rose and Emmett I started panicking. Something bad must have happened and Alice had to have been too upset about it to tell me. My father ushered me to a chair in the living room as my mother went to check on Annabelle. Half way up the stairs I asked her to look out for Bella as she was here too. The only response I got to that was a pitiful nod.
"What's wrong?" I asked the room, waiting for at least one of them to answer.
"Edward, what did you mean by look out of Bella?" my father asked, ignoring my question.
"Well Bella's here. She came back last night." They all shot looks at one another and then back at me.
"Edward, Bella died, ten months ago. She's not here," Jasper said, sighing. My whole body froze in the chair and I couldn't tear my eyes away from his.
"What?" Jasper was making no sense. Bella wasn't dead. She was here. Last night she was here.
"Bella died of cancer," Emmett supplied, biting his lip anxiously.
"I know she did but she's back. She came back last night while I was getting ready for bed," I said, shaking my head at them and their accusations that she wasn't here.
"Edward, son, please accept that Bella is gone for good." I continued to shake my head at my father.
"I saw her, I smelt her, I felt her. She was here. Bella! Bella!" I cried, standing up and racing towards the stairs. Emmett grabbed me and held me back.
"You'll upset Annabelle. She shouldn't see you like this."
"Like what? There's nothing wrong with me." I tried to get past him but he wasn't having it.
"Carlisle, what's wrong with him?" Rose asked, frowning.
"I think he was hallucinating." My father approached me and took hold of my flailing arms. "We need to go to the hospital Edward."
"Why, is Bella there?" Alice was crying once more and quickly went into the kitchen with Rose, I suspect to check on Lily.
"No, she's not. She'll meet us there though." I nodded and stopped struggling.
"Right, good, let's go." Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper all shared a look before ushering me to the car. I didn't care that I wasn't properly dressed; all I cared about was Bella. I needed to see if she was okay. Though if she was at the hospital I doubt she would have been.
Carlisle and Emmett rode with me to the hospital. The whole journey was spent in silence. Once inside Carlisle took us to his office and then said he was going to find out where she was in the hospital. I waited with Emmett in more silence, just itching to go and find my wife again.
My father came back but he wasn't alone. Three other men were with him. One was a doctor but the other two looked like nurses. I backed up quickly when they approached me, knocking the chair over in the process.
"Edward, we just need to give you something to calm you down, before you go see Bella." He was lying. He had tricked me. Bella wasn't here. They were trying to keep me from her.
"Bella!" I screamed, throwing books from the bookshelf behind me at the men. I needed her to come to me and explain everything. "Bella!"
"Edward you need to calm down. This will help," the doctor said, advancing faster. In his hand he held a needle and I knew I wasn't going to like the outcome of the situation if I had whatever was in there injected into my system.
"Stay away from me! Bella, my love, help me!" The two nurses grabbed me with help from Emmett. I struggled against them, successfully knocking everything off of Carlisle's desk. It's not like it mattered though. "Bella!"
The needle was injected into my arm and then I was pushed down onto the floor where the men took proper hold of me so I wouldn't be able to get out their grasp without dislocating my shoulder or something.
"Edward, I'm sorry but this needs to happen. You've had a hallucination and from your behaviour this morning I'm really worried about your mental health. Bella's dead son, you need to accept that. She didn't come back last night, you imagined that. Please understand that I'm doing this to help you."
I began sobbing at Carlisle's words, not wanting to hear them. Bella wasn't dead. She just wasn't. I wouldn't have that. It wasn't a hallucination. I felt her, I made love to her, she was there. Crying heavily I was hoisted up onto my feet, though not using them for support. If either of the nurses decided to let me go I'd hit the floor pretty quickly.
"Take him to a room where he can be monitored please," the doctor said, Carlisle nodding in agreement behind him.
I was carried through the hospital and placed on a bed. Immediately I tried to get up and push my way out the door, to look for Bella but they held me back down.
"Edward are you going to stay here?"
"No, I must find Bella." Carlisle sighed at my response and waved his hand, as though to grant permission for something. It wasn't until several more male nurses walked over with straps in their hands that I realised what they were going to do. Fighting with all my might I tried to get away before they could bind me to the bed. Being outnumbered though, they easily held me down and attached the restraints.
My cries of help and pleas for Bella clearly became too much as they administered another sedative. This one put me to sleep. What must have been many hours later I awoke still strapped down to the bed? Around me sat Jasper, Alice and my mother. They all took notice when I pulled against the straps, trying to free myself.
"I'll get your father," Esme said as she walked out the room. Alice and Jasper then descended on me.
"How are you feeling?" Alice asked, looking concerned.
"Where's Lily?" If both her parents were standing by my bedside then she must have been with someone else.
"Rose and Emmett are watching her, along with Annabelle, Robert and Louis." God they must love that.
I lay there silently, avoiding the looks both of them were giving me. I remember why I was here. Bella came back to me, or so I thought, and when I went looking for her again I freaked the family out. She never really had returned, that was just too much wishful thinking on my part. But my God I believed it. Though no wonder, I had been praying for her return every day since her death, if I thought she was back I wasn't going to brush the situation off.
Jasper opened his mouth but I shook my head, telling him I didn't want to hear what he was going to say. It was best if they became aware of the fact that I knew she was dead by themselves, not by having me use what they say as leads.
"I know she's dead. I know she's not coming back. And I know that I imagined her last night. But I thought she was back. I wanted her back."
"You don't need to explain Edward," Jasper said, coming over closer. "None of us can understand what you're going through. If I lost Alice and thought she had returned to me much like you did then I can bet you that I would in the exact same situation."
"It's not an excuse for my behaviour though."
"You're grieving, we understand that much as we still all are grieving Bella's loss. However, we aren't feeling it to the magnitude you are. You clearly need more support to get past this."
"That's the thing; I don't want to get past this. I don't want to get past her. I love her and don't want to lose her."
"We're not asking that you give up all your memories of her. We just need you to be able to cope now that you're on your own. You're not coping, that's obvious now so we need to do something about that."
Carlisle walked in after that, with my mother following behind him. He explained the situation, from what happened that morning to the hallucinations I must have had last night of Bella. Then he told me about what was going to be done from that point on.
Louis, Robert and Annabelle were going to come and stay with him and my mother while I got myself back on my feet. I would also be moving in with them. I was going to be prescribed anti-depressants and other assortments of medication to get me back to 'normal'. Rather than argue I accepted everything that was being said. I had to be there for my kids and if this was the way to do that, being drugged up to my eyeballs, then so be it.
Finally the binds were undone and I could move freely about the bed. Carlisle insisted that I stay in hospital for a few days in case I had another hallucination but I was certain that wasn't going to happen. I had accepted the fact that Bella wasn't going to come back, whereas before I was silently holding on for her return.
I relished my freedom once I was let out of the hospital. Although that was before I realised I was losing one prison for another. At the hospital I was checked on and monitored by doctors and nurses. Upon moving into my parent's house they became the wardens, watching my every movement carefully.
Thankfully they took over the job of explaining to the kids why we were staying with them. I wouldn't have known what to say without giving them the truth, that their father had a complete breakdown. Whatever excuse my parents gave seemed good enough because the three of them never said or asked anything. They just got on like everything was normal.
Currently I was sitting in the living room watching them play a board game with Emmett and my mother. Em was trying to cheat only to be caught by Annabelle who was very strict about enforcing the rules. Every so often my mother would look up and check to see if I was still there or if I was okay. I had expected her to be constantly checking on me but I wasn't used to it yet. However, I knew I would have to get used to it as in roughly two months time it was going to be a year since Bella had died. My parents would go overboard then with making sure I was alright, especially after the hallucinations.
God, I had no idea how I was going to be then. It would be hard...no it would be impossible. Thinking about living without her before she died was painful, now it's excruciating to live that life. I can recall all the memories from the days before she died. Although being in so much pain and so weak she tried to smile and present a calm front. Whether she was calm or not was beyond me. I was terrified and in agony from watching my wife die.
Back then I hated sleeping, whereas now I can't get enough of it. She's in my dreams now, always there, but leading up to her death I didn't dare fall asleep. Every night I stayed awake and watched her, specifically the rise and fall of her chest. Occasionally there were a few scares where I thought she wasn't breathing but in all it was smooth sailing at night, as if she knew not to leave then. However, that didn't stop us from professing our love and adoration to one another before curling up to sleep. If I hadn't gotten my goodbye then I wouldn't have been able to cope. Though, it's not as if I'm really coping now.
"Excuse me for a moment," I said, standing up and heading through the house. I had choked up and didn't want to cry in front on my children, not when they were doing so well.
Rather than be left alone like I wanted Emmett followed me. I had headed outside, to where it was beginning to get cold seeing as it was late September. We both stood silently for a minute, looking out onto the backyard and into the trees.
"Remember back in highschool when you went to pick Bella up for prom," Emmett began, smiling.
"How could I forget?" I just couldn't help but smile.
"We drive up behind you and see Chief Swan aiming a shotgun at you as you promise him there will be no fornicating whatsoever. That was bloody priceless." Emmett chuckled and shook his head. "And then once you two joined us in the Jeep Bella told you in her no nonsense voice that you would be breaking that promise. You practically jizzed your pants." Emmett was full out laughing by then. "God she was brilliant."
"Yeah, she was." I decided against correcting Emmett's comment about me 'practically jizzing my pants' as that never happened. Granted, I became disturbingly pale but I never lost myself.
"How are we managing without her?" Emmett asked, suddenly all serious. "I mean, she was a major part of our life, how can each day still pass when she's not here?" He was fighting back the tears, taking shallow breaths. "Christ Edward, I miss her. She was like a little sister to me. We were always laughing and taking the piss out each other. She was constantly telling me I was on steroids and I was taking the piss out of her not being able to walk on a flat surface without falling over. Why can't we still have that? Why can't she still be here?" The agony and pain was thick in his voice.
Listening to everything he said was breaking my heart, because I knew all of that. I knew there was a big hole in our lives where Bella should have been. I knew what that pain felt like. Turning to him I pulled him to me, hugging him. Sod being manly and having a man hug, we were past that.
"Alice wanted her to be Lily's godmother," he said, gripping the back of my shirt tightly. "Hell, I wanted her to be my kids' godmother. She's meant to be here."
"Boys?" Emmett and I turned together to see my mother standing in the door. She took one look at us and tears formed, knowing why we were distraught. "Together we can get through this." Esme walked over and hugged us both, kissing our cheeks. "We're not alone in our grief, we have each other. And together we can remember Bella but stop hurting from it."
"Promise?" I whispered, wiping the tears away. I sounded like a lost little boy depending on his mother's word to make sure everything was going to be alright.
"I promise."
The three of us stood together, still hugging, for God only knows how long. Each of us tried to get some composure but would choke up a little more at a sudden memory. Only when the temperature became too cold did we agree to go inside.
"Remember, we can do this," my mother said, squeezing out hands.
I wanted to believe her with my every being but did have doubts. I thought I had moved on, although only slightly. The hallucinations and the constant pain were clearly signs that I hadn't moved on at all. Rather, I had immersed myself in her memory and committed myself to months of unnecessary pain.
I had to move on. Moving on didn't mean I would forget cause hell I could never forget. Moving on just meant I could maybe get some enjoyment out of life and think of it as doing what Bella would have wanted. Moving on, although sounding simple, was going to be hard, possibly too hard. But, I had to try, for Bella. It's what she would have wanted, I'm sure.