Chapter Four: Learning to Laugh Again
Edward's POV
Moving on was harder than I thought. What I loved about the house was all the reminders of Bella. However, as I was trying to move on, those reminders were a hindrance. She was everywhere I looked and surrounded me fully. It was unhealthy. I needed to change things but I wasn't going to without the children's permission. They needed to feel comfortable and any way I could do that I would, even if it meant recalling my wife every second of every day.
Sitting the children down in my parent's kitchen I sat across from them, smiling softly. My kids were my world and I would do anything for them. They were what mattered the most and I had to take their opinions into consideration. If they didn't want Bella's belongings to leave our house then they would stay. I could live with that.
Even though I was moving on, that didn't mean I was forgetting Bella. She would always have a place in my heart, no one would replace her. And I didn't want anyone to. Bella was my soul mate. We were destined to be together, in this life and in the afterlife. I just had to wait to be with her again, and I would, because I loved her.
Trying to get past her death did not mean I was going to go out and find myself a new lover. Hell no. Christ, I didn't even think I could get it up for another woman. Bella was the only woman I had ever been with and I wanted it to remain that way. We were each other's firsts and we would be each other's lasts. I was her last and by God she would be mine.
Annabelle didn't want to sit in her seat at the table so crawled round onto my lap. Holding her to me, I turned back to my boys.
"Alright guys, I wanted to ask you something," I began. "How do you feel about mummy's things around the house?"
"You want to get rid of them," Louis declared, glaring at me. I sighed and shook my head, not wanting Robert or Annabelle to think that's what I was doing.
"No, l want to know whether or not you want to remove some of the items. I won't be removing anything without your permission. So rather than what you want to remove, is there anything of mummy's you want to keep?"
"I want her pictures," Annabelle whined, picking at her dress. Kissing her forehead and patting her back, I nodded.
"All her pictures will stay, darling, don't worry. What about you guys?" Louis refused to say anything while Robert shrugged.
"I like the house like it is," he replied.
"Okay, thanks. You can go back to what you were doing. Louis, will you stay and talk to me?" He was already half way out his seat when I asked. Thankfully he didn't put up an argument.
"What do you want?"
"If there is anything you want to keep then let me know, or let the family know, okay?" He nodded and tried to get up again.
"Louis, I'm not throwing her things out. I'm packing them up and putting them away for safe keeping. Just because I'm doing this does not mean that I don't love her still, I'm just trying to make it easier for us all." Taking in what I said he sighed and walked off.
That conversation went better than I expected so I really had nothing to complain about. Granted, I didn't get all the answers I needed but still, they gave me some indication of what I could move. I would store all Bella's clothes and her personal items from our bedroom away, and then I would put away her toothbrush, hair brush and other cosmetics.
Knowing that there was no way for me to do this alone I called my sister. Alice would never forgive me if I left her out of something this big. We were going to preserve Bella's memory and if I was to do it myself she would be devastated that she wasn't there to help.
Leaving the kids with my parents I drove home and within the hour Alice and Jasper arrived at my door. Alice's make up didn't hide the tears she had shed before her arrival. She knew this day was coming. It had almost been one year since her death. In fact, in four days from then it would be one year entirely since I lost my wife. I was not ready to face that issue just yet.
"So where do you want to start?" Alice asked, forcing on a smile.
We moved upstairs to the bedroom and I unleashed her on the drawers containing Bella's socks and underwear. Jasper and I started in on the wardrobes. Rather than throw anything out we were simply putting it in cardboard boxes. None of us could handle throwing away her belongings. That would feel like throwing away a part of her. No, we couldn't do that, we wouldn't do that.
Jasper kept his emotions to himself and didn't seem to let on at all if the entire situation was causing him any discomfort; I however was not so brave. Every so often we would pull out a dress or a jacket and I would instantly be flooded with memories of Bella trying it on, buying it, showing it off, wearing it, taking it off, hanging it up etc. It was killing me. Some things were just so special and it was breaking me apart to know that these items were now nothing without the woman who wore them.
Gradually we moved through the room, filling more boxes, emptying the place of her presence and after four hours of pain we were finished. Jasper took the boxes to the attic as Alice and I sat on the floor, looking round. The drawers were all open, the wardrobe doors open, and all we could see was emptiness. She was gone.
"You're doing the right thing," Alice said, looking so pained.
"I know, but it feels so wrong." Resting her head against my shoulder she gave a small nod.
"It feels wrong because it is. We should never have had to do this." Her voice cracked at the end and she wiped the first tear away. "I still can't move on. I miss her too much."
There was no point in me echoing her thoughts so I remained quiet, but everything she said was true for me too.
"Four days, Edward, four days."
It was impossible to think it had almost been a year. It still felt like yesterday that Bella died. Although back then, we knew it was coming, that didn't make it any easier. I fought to be with my wife every second and refused to let her go. Knowing that the power to keep her here, on Earth with me, was not mine to have, hurt like hell. I could do nothing to save her as she lay dying before my very eyes.
God, four days. Three hundred and sixty one days ago I was sitting next to my wife as she took her last breaths, heard her last words, and watched as the life left her body. I was the last face she saw, and it was one of anguish and tears. I couldn't even hold it together for her death.
Jasper came back into the room and saw Alice and I sitting on the floor, both of us crying and nodded slowly. "I called your mother; she's coming to pick up the kids. That way we can do the rest of the house," he said quietly, practically whispering.
"Thank you," I mumbled, feeling my body sag into the carpet.
I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. There was no fight left in me. I thought that after a year I would have coped a little better, been able to get back into a routine for the kids' sake, but instead, I had fallen apart hopelessly.
After my hallucination last month, my parents were still keeping their eyes on me, making sure I was okay, and my doctor, a young and overenthusiastic psychiatrist, was drilling me every session on whether or not I had actually come to accept Bella's death.
I always told her I had. I knew now Bella was dead and I knew she wouldn't come back. I knew that my hallucinations were not healthy and not something to be treasured. I knew all that, but still, it didn't mend the hole in my heart. It didn't put me back together, make me the man I was when she was around, and it didn't quench the thirst and need to see Bella again, in whatever form, whether it be a hallucination or not.
My psychiatrist didn't understand me, and how could she? She looked to be about twelve years old. She had no idea what it was like to love someone with every ounce of your being and then watch them die. That was not an experience she had, and one I wished she never got. Her sympathetic words meant nothing because she couldn't understand that I didn't want nor need them. What I wanted, and needed, was Bella.
"What does the journal say to do, at this time of year?" Alice asked, nudging my arm.
"Hmm?" I hadn't been paying attention and needed her to catch me up on what I had missed.
"The journal Bella left for you, what does it say to do?"
Truth be told, I had left the journal there while I went to live with my parents. I rarely looked at it unless I had to, but even then, I could still recite every entry Bella had left me so far. Those words, her words, clung to me and were impossible to forget, much like her.
Getting up off the floor I stumbled my way over to the bed side table and hunted the journal out. Feeling the weight of the book in my hands once again sent me a whole new wave of grief. In her last weeks she had spent her time writing this, to make me a better father and a better man, and I was messing it up.
Turning the pages carefully I found the entry entitled "One Year After".
Well, it's been a whole year, and you've made it. I know the path here may not have been easy, but you managed, honey. One year ago we said goodbye. I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now, Edward, so I will simply say this:
On the one year anniversary of my death, start living your life again.
I know that you will never stop loving me, but I also know that you will still be living the moments I died. Let those memories go and focus on making new ones with our children. You are a wonderful father, so please do not let my death ruin what you have with them.
Take them out and go have some fun. You're to have fun too, Edward. Miserable was never a nice emotion on you, honey, so don't make it a frequent one. You always look gorgeous when you smile, and especially when you laugh. So try something new, something different, and let them enjoy their childhood again, and perhaps you can enjoy living again.
Look after our babies, and the rest of the family. Tell Jasper that if he doesn't make Alice a mother soon then I will personally haunt him, and the same goes for Emmett. As for my ladies, let them know I love them, they'll make amazing mothers, and I will watch over them.
As for you, Edward, crack a smile for me, I've missed it. And remember, I'll always love you.
Bella
I read the entry aloud and both Jasper and Alice looked as upset as I felt. Bella, of course, had no way of knowing that Alice was a mother, that she would have been the godmother, and of how much we missed her.
"You should follow her advice," Jasper said, not bothering to hide his tears for once. "You need to start living again, for your sake and for your kids. We all do. We need to learn to laugh again, to smile, and if anyone can do that, it's Bella."
"What do you propose?" I asked.
Four days later, on the 12th of November, we all finally started laughing and smiling again. Everyone camped over at my house the night before and in the morning we woke up early to have a giant snowball fight in the backyard. My mother cooked us breakfast, opting out of the chaos, while war went down. And once the battle was over, we came in, hung up our coats, and feasted like kings.
The rest of the day was spent playing board games, watching movies, reminiscing, and just letting go. Bella's father even joined us, which was a pleasant surprise. After Bella's death, Charlie seemed reluctant to be near me. I don't know what it was that he didn't like, but it hurt to know he had turned his back on me when I needed him more than ever. He was the only one who could possibly understand the grief I was experiencing, yet he wasn't around. With his arrival that day, it was as though he was trying to move on too, and no one was going to deny him that.
By late evening the kids were all tucked up in bed, sound asleep, so we settled ourselves into the living room. Grabbing a beer, I sat down on the couch, surrounded by family and friends, and we were all thinking the same thing: why our Bella?
Alice was the first to get upset, but she was laughing at the same time. She recalled a silly story of Bella in high school breaking Jessica Stanley's nose in P.E. because she called her frigid. Rose beamed in pride, telling of how she had taught Bella that volleyball spike and how she knew it would come in handy.
Each of us went on, adding more memories, laughing and crying, thinking about Bella's greatest moments. Charlie was shocked to hear half the things his little girl had done, but thankfully didn't come after me with a gun when the saucier tales started coming out. I had Emmett to thank for that, who seemed determined to talk about how Bella would get angry at me for not touching her.
For hours we sat, drinking, laughing, and crying. It was the happiest moment I had had in over a year, and it was all because of Bella. Even when she wasn't there she was making us smile. We loved her, that much was obvious, but the extent of our love for her became clear that night. Each and every one of us would have done anything to prevent her death, to bring her back, and to see her again. For that, I loved them all, knowing that they felt the same pain I did, missing her in the same way as I was: as a best friend.
Recalling the day we buried Bella, I thought back to the speech I gave and one line in particular: "You were an angel among mortals and now you're finally home, back in heaven." At that moment I liked to think that Bella was watching over us, laughing and enjoying the stories we were telling, and keeping us safe, up in heaven.
My beautiful girl, I love you with all my heart, now and forever.