Chapter Five: In Peace, At Last

Edward's POV

Fifteen years. It had been almost fifteen years since Bella had died, and hell, those years had been hard. I took Bella's advice and tried to start living again, making sure our kids were always happy, and going out of my way to make sure they laughed and smiled. For me though, my smiles were half-hearted.

How could I smile when my wife should have been standing next to me smiling too? How could I move on and pretend that she wasn't missing? There was just no way for me to continue on as if she hadn't been the biggest part of my life. Bella was everything, and with her absence, I was nothing.

Granted, in those fifteen years, I did have good memories, but they were always lacking something, and that something was Bella. She should have been there the day we found out Rose was pregnant. She should have there when Emmett found out it was a little girl, and immediately he went out and bought the best dolls house money could buy. She should have been there when Lily had her first day at school. She should have been there when Louis, Robert and Annabelle started High School. She should have been there to see them graduate. She just should have been there.

Once again we were going to be celebrating a milestone and she wasn't around to see it. Oh, I did believe she watched us from heaven, keeping us safe, but that still didn't make it better. What I wanted was for her to be standing next to me, holding my hand as we watched our eldest son graduate from university.

When we first got married and discussed kids, these were the things we wanted to experience. We wanted to teach them how to talk, walk, ride a bike, swim, play sports, and see them on their first day of school and their last. We wanted to give them the best life possible. But what is life without Bella in it?

Her journal had been my saving grace through many turbulent experiences, and it became my bible. I treasured it, kept it save, read it every night in case it one day vanished like Bella had. She had prepared for everything. In the journal was her take on the big things our kids would go through: puberty, dating, sex, drugs, driving, moving out, university, marriage and pregnancy. Thankfully, the latter two entries were not needed yet.

Rather than stutter and stumble my way through the puberty and sex talks, Bella specifically wrote for me to hand them the journal so they could read. She let me dodge those bullets even from beyond the grave.

With each entry I grew to love my wife even more, which I did not think possible. And when my family had politely brought up the conversation of me taking my wedding ring off I had one thing to say: "Bella is still my wife, whether she be in heaven or on Earth; the ring stays."

My wife had taken a trip and I was going to meet her there. I didn't know when I would next see her but I would and we would be together forever then. God would not create a place like heaven if it were not to allow loved ones to be together after death. She was waiting on me, and one day I would come to her.

In the meantime, I kept up with the pleasantries. Louis, Robert and Annabelle knew I wasn't the same after their mother's death but they didn't comment too much on it. I was still their loving father, just lonely.

Over the years I had been asked out on dates, and hell, even set up on a few surprise blind dates by my well-meaning friends and family, but the women weren't Bella, and if I couldn't have Bella then I wanted no one. She was my lover, my wife, mother to my children, and my soul mate. Why would I ignore all that for simple sexual gratification?

Yes, I was a lonely old man just going through the motions. And that day I was attending Louis' graduation. The whole thing actually wasn't that bad, and I was very proud to see my boy up on stage getting his diploma. Bella would have loved it, and that was the problem. That's what made a great day become one that wasn't that bad.

Returning home that night, after the celebrations, I headed straight to my bedroom and changed. Throwing my clothes on the chair, my mind going a million miles a minute, I had to stop and take a break. I needed to get closer to Bella once again. Finding the journal in my bedside table I sat on the bed and tried to smell the pages, hoping some of her scent would still be there. It was as though she sprayed the pages, making them smell of her.

Letting myself relax at having her smell surround me I pulled back and flicked to the correct page. I had been following Bella's entries religiously and only rarely did I have to skip ahead some to get to a relevant topic. But every entry so far had been read. As if I would miss one out.

The entry title was "My Darling Edward" and had I seen this sooner I would have thought it a letter to me, but no, upon reading the words I knew it was not a letter but most definitely an entry to help improve my life.

My darling Edward,

This will be the last entry I write to you, and this will be my most important. By now many years will have passed since my death, and I know for sure that you will still be wearing your wedding ring. I know you, Edward, and I know that you do not see death as a reason to stop loving someone and move on. I know you believe that we will be together again, and by God I hope we are, but until that day, you need to live.

In past entries I have spoken about you letting the memories go, returning to your daily routines, and to move on with your life. But I know, deep down in my heart I know, you will not have moved on at all. So I'm telling you this: let me go, let me rest and let me be free.

You are a glorious man, with so much love to give. Do not become a sad and lonely old man, with nothing but memories of love lost. For me, Edward, let me go. If you fall for another, then so be it. I will not love you less for doing so, darling. I love you with all my heart, and saying goodbye to you is the hardest thing I'm ever going to have to do, but this needs to happen.

Let me go.

I told you the day we found out about the cancer that together we soar, but alone we can still fly. You need to fly now, Edward. Cut the ties with me, sell my belongings or give them away to charity, remove pictures of me, and start afresh.

I did not get to live my life to its fullest potential, but you most certainly will.

I cannot help but admit to you now that I cry for us. I cry for the life we will never get to finish, I cry for all the moments I will miss, and I cry because I know when you read this I am really and truly dead. I never stopped fighting the cancer, darling, but I knew one of us had to be realistic. Whatever made you think that I would stop fighting for us? If I could be there with you today, I would be, holding your hand and never letting go.

But now is the time. Every entry has ended with the same line: "And remember, I always love you." Well this one shall end differently, but it does not mean I love you any less. For I do love you, and shall always love you, but it is time to say goodbye.

Forget me. Those are my last wishes. Forget me, Edward. It's time to fly.

Bella

Reading her last entry killed me. I fell to my knees and reached out, trying to grab for something. That could not have been the last entry. No. I wouldn't accept that. Absolutely not. Flipping the pages I saw that the entries after that were addressed to Alice, Rose, Jasper, all our friends, our kids, and even one to our grandchildren, if they were ever to make an appearance.

She was gone. I had held onto her memory, her life, in that journal for fifteen years and she was gone, for good. It felt like I had died, all the pain and grief I had kept hidden and locked up over the years burst out and hit me, wave after wave. I was drowning, but this time she was not there to save me.

She knew, oh she knew, that I would never deny her last wishes. Those were the things she stressed upon. Those were the things she needed. If I was to deny her that, what type of man would that make me? What type of husband would that make me?

Sighing sadly to myself, I curled up into a ball on the bed and wept. There was nothing manly about what I was doing, I was weeping like a baby, pure and simple. I was admitting defeat. There was nothing I wouldn't do for Bella, and if she wanted me to let her go, I would do so.