The Starving Art

Chapter Six

"What are you talking about?!" Sam stood from the computer. He didn't even bother to read Ruby's messages. "You were…anorexic…?"

Dean sighed. "Sammy, I was bulimic."

"Dean, I don't understand, how could you be bulimic? How did we not notice? And why would you do something like that? It rots your teeth out!" Sam fired his questions faster than it took for Dean to even process them.

"Why do you starve yourself? It eats away at your muscles," Dean fired back. He sighed once again, regretting what he said. "It's hard to explain, Sam. I guess it's the same way with you trying to explain your anorexia."

"I can explain it," Sam said. "I just don't want to."

"I figured maybe if I opened up to you, you'd be more inclined to talk to me about how you feel," Dean said. "I'm not a therapist or anything, but we're family. You're my flesh and blood, and that's gotta count for something."

"It counts," Sam responded. "I just don't want to talk to anyone about it."

"You seem to have no problem talking to Ruby about it," Dean said. Sam glanced back at his computer to see Ruby had responded several times.

RedGem: We'll increase your exercising so you'll lose even more weight.

RedGem: New GW?

RedGem: Sam?

"Sam, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't notice sooner, and I'm sorry I didn't react the right way," Dean apologized. "I want to talk to you. I want you to just listen to what I have to say, and I'll answer whatever questions you want, as long as I can have one question answered."

"…Alright…" Sam trailed off. He wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel at finding out that the older brother he idolized had an eating disorder. He felt heartbroken, though. I hope that's okay, he thought to himself.

"I was…twelve when I started," Dean said. "I was nervous about being transferred over to a different school after the zoning changed, and I was worried about having to make new friends."

Sam was aware that the new zoning for middle schools had happened when Dean was in 7th grade, and many of his friends hadn't lived in their neighborhood, so stayed in the other school.

"I made some new friends, but I was so nervous that I threw up in the bathroom after hanging out with them…" Dean laughed a little to himself. "I felt…powered after I did. It wasn't intentional, but I felt a euphoria wash over me. It was like I could float."

"Is that what got you started?" Sam asked. Dean nodded.

"After that it became a regular thing. I would eat whatever I could get my hands on – which was pretty normal for being a guy – and then I would throw it up. At first, I lost weight," Dean explained. "But I gained weight after that. Remember when I had that chubby phase?"

Sam nodded. "That was when I gained the weight," Dean said.

"How did you decide to get better?" Sam asked. "And how did we not notice?"

"You were eight, you couldn't have noticed anything wrong," Dean said. "As for dad, you know he's blind as a bat." Dean laughed again. "I decided to get better after I looked in the mirror and saw that I looked half dead in the face. I was pale, had dark circles under my eyes, my teeth looked kind of gray. The dentist fixed that up for me real nice with teeth whitening treatments."

"Do you still do it?" Dean shook his head.

"Sometimes I think about it," Dean said. "But then I think about the wrong people I was 'friends' with and how they turned out. They're better people now. I'm just glad we managed to work it out right after graduation."

"Do you think I could do it?" Sam asked. "I mean…get better."

"You can do anything you want," Dean said. "Except for dying. That's not an option." Sam laughed. "Now…do you wanna talk to me about it?"

Before he knew it, Sam was spilling everything. He was telling Dean how Ruby had told him that he was getting chunky and how he started working out more and eating less calories than it took to keep himself alive.

Sam expected Dean to be mad. His brother only smiled softly. "What?" Sam asked.

"Thank you," Dean said.

"For what?" Sam asked.

"Talking to me."