Note from ThisDude: In the following story there are elements of stronger than usual language, wall breaking and possible offensive themes. Please due take note of this and heed thy warnings.
The soldier was rubbing his cheek in pain, stretching his jaw to work out its kinks.
"Right then," he said. "Never leave the girl you're with when she sees shoes she likes."
As he was absently talking to himself I took a look around. A couple swords were laying about, a dagger was on the table and no shield. Great, I'm supposed to start weak and barely able to defend myself cause my stats suck, yet they don't give me anything to protect myself with. I grabbed the dagger and a sword, wielding them in my left and right respectively. I swing them around a couple times before I tired out quickly.
"Damn, these things are tiring to use." I said breathily. "I only swung them like three times."
"Let's go now." The man lead on before my stopping him.
"You know Rule one about the shoes. Rule two: Never rush a woman when she's picking out accessories."
"Look, lady-"
"Rule three: Call a woman by her name when referring to her, unless you don't know her name or are in a relationship with her. Considering we aren't dating, I suggest you get proper before this sword goes into your back."
"You done?"
"What's your name?"
"Hadvar," He said in a very stale way. "The name is Hadvar."
"Well... Harvard. Your name sucks and you're a prick." I smiled and walked off awkwardly with my pokers.
Harvard followed right behind me. When we reached the bottom of a staircase I overheard a couple guards talking. I barged in with hopes that I could go with them instead of hanging with Harvard. I stood there blankly without anything to say beside having an awkward smile on my face. We looked at each other for a few moments.
"Stupid bitch." One of the men said.
I gripped my sword furiously. I could not believe what he just said. To me of all people.
"Harvard!" The guards looked up as if I were talking to them. "Rule four... Never call a woman a bitch."
Reader. What I'm doing right now is breaking the fourth wall in order to destroy these bastards.
Writer. Please enter the god mode cheat for me. Also, while you're there, can you send those Nord Hero Arrows you hacked to do 200 damage a shot?
`tgm
000EAFDF 200
Thank you! Anyway back to the- I need a bow!
` 000139B5 1
Ooh, Daedric? You must have a crush on me mister. Anyway, back to the fight.
I slung my arrows, that appeared out of thin air, and drew my bow. The shock in their faces when they realized their imminent doom was perfect.
One charged me quickly to disable me before I could launch an arrow but an arrow was in his chest just as fast as I pulled it from the quiver. The other two tried to run off the direction I came from but Harvard was stuck in the doorway. I shot the one closest to the door. As he rag dolled up the stairs, I pulled out my dagger and sword. I ran up to him and poked him. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Pokedy. Poke. Poke.
As I managed to open enough gashes to create a hive, I realized I wasn't getting tired. God mode does it's wonders doesn't it?
I decided to go on ahead skipping through the rest of the boring helgen dungeon level because who gives a hootenanny. Beside the bear, which was fun waking up to attack Harvard, there really wasn't anything entertaining there anyway.
"Ah! Great to have some fresh air!" I exclaimed cheerfully.
"You aren't going to kill me since I helped you through the cave right, Ghoti?" Harvard said slowly exiting the cave from behind me with a large gash in his leg from the bear mauling him.
"You're alright Harvard."
"It's Hadvar."
"You know Harvard, I could really eat right about now."
"There's a small town up ahead named Riverwood. My uncle lives there."
"Then what the hell are we waiting for!? Let's go!"
`tgm
"Aww, c'mon author man! I wasn't going to hurt the poor village. Maybe just kill a chicken or two for grub." I blabbed on to the sky as Harvard stared at me dumbfoundedly. "You didn't have to turn off god mode!"
"God mode?" Harvard poked in.
"Nothing Harvard. Let's just go."
We started off towards the village before Harvard spoke again.
"It's Hadvar, milady"
"Don't correct me Harvard."
Note to self: Kill Harvard after grub.