A/N: Hey guys! I'm sorry it's taken me a while to update. For one thing, I wanted this chapter to be perfect and realistic so it took a while to get it just right! I hope you like it!
Second, I started a new story. I know, crazy right? I did put my other one "It's Perfect," on permanent hiatus for the time being. I'm not motivated to get that one going. I lost all inspiration for it. But I did find new inspiration! It's called "All Bets Are Off," and is awesome! At least, I think so! Lol…Please, please, please go to my profile and check out that story! The second chapter should be up by this weekend! I would really appreciate yall going to read that one. And any feedback would be appreciated too!
Big, HUGE, thanks to Morgan, my beta, my co-writer, me editor, and my friend for helping me with everything. You guys don't understand that if it wasn't for this girl, I wouldn't be writing for this site anymore! She helps me with not only editing and beta-ing, but with ideas for the stories. And she helps me with everything else going on in my life so I have time to write! Lol So for that, I thank you friend!
Disclaimer: I do not own One Tree Hill or its characters!
Brooke POV
"I'm sorry," I whispered in to the darkness. We have been lying in silence for the past five hours. It was now nearing four am. When we first got home about nine, after he said he just wanted to hold me, we stayed like that for an hour. By then, I desperately wanted a shower. Nathan went to fix us some sandwiches while I showered.
After we ate, we resumed our position on the bed; Nathan on his back, arms wrapped around me with my head on his chest, against his heart.
And that's how we've been since. Not talking, not moving. Just being.
"Huh?" Nathan mumbled sleepily. He had been dozing for the last fifteen minutes.
"I said I'm sorry," I repeated, lifting my head to look at him.
"For what?"
"For the way I treated you. I was wrong and I'm sorry," I explained.
"B, it's okay," he said, closing his eyes again.
"No Nathan, it's not okay," I told him, sitting up Indian style, "I think we need to talk about it now."
He opened one eye to look at me. After realizing I was serious, he sat up as well, leaning against the headboard.
"Okay, let's talk about it," he said quietly, "You want to start?"
I nodded my head, took a deep breath, and began.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
"You said that already," he said dryly.
"Let me finish. I'm sorry Nathan. I'm sorry for yelling at you. I'm sorry for hitting you. I'm sorry for being so cruel to you. And I'm sorry I lost Molly Erin," I said quickly He sat up straight with a pitiful look in his eyes.
"Brooke, you didn't lose Molly Erin. It's not your fault. She died but it's not your fault. These things happen," Nathan said to me.
"But I didn't tell anyone that she stopped kicking! She didn't kick for almost two days. And I did nothing but blame you and yell at you after she died. And I'm so sorry!"
"Okay, look, we said we'd talk about it. And we should be completely honest right?" he asked as I nodded my head, "Okay, so I'm not going to lie and tell you it's okay anymore. It's not. I've never been made to feel like nothing before. At least not until after Molly died. The things you said to me and the way you treated me hurt me just as much as losing Molly.
"Brooke, that baby meant so much to me. And she still does. And it hurts so much now that she's gone. But I couldn't tell anyone how I felt because I had to be strong for you. I had to be there for you. I had to make sure you were okay before I could take care of myself.
"Because, face it Brooke, you've always been everything to me. And I'm sorry, but I can't keep this up. I can't keep acting like I'm okay. I can't keep putting on a brave face while comforting you. Because I'm hurting just as much as you are. I might not have carried Molly inside of me. But she was just as much a part of me as she was to you," he explained, tears running down his face as he spoke.
I never knew he felt this way. The only thing he showed was how concerned he was for me. It all made sense now. I felt like the worst girlfriend in history.
"Nate, you should have just told me this from the beginning. I had no idea!" I exclaimed.
"Exactly Brooke! You were so torn up that I couldn't even talk to you. You told me to never even touch you again. What was I supposed to do?" he asked in desperation. Before I could do anything, le turned his body to lay his head in my lap and cry. I didn't know what to do. In all the years that I've known Nathan, I've never seen him cry like this. My own tears escaped as I stroked his hair. I leaned down to kiss his cheek, whispering in his ear.
"I'm here now Nathan. I'm sorry that I've been so selfish that I couldn't see how much you were hurting, but I'm here now."
He sat up to wrap his arms around me as we cried together. We cried for ourselves. We cried for our pain. And we cried for the daughter we dearly loved in such a short time.
Two hours later, we were still in each other's arms, lying back down now. The sun was starting to rise, shining through the windows of the room.
"We have to go back to school Monday," Nathan mumbled into my hair.
"Yeah," I whispered in acknowledgement.
"I don't want to face everyone," Nathan said quietly. I knew how hard it was going to be. All the stares, the whispers. It would be horrible.
"So we won't. We'll just go to school and stick to ourselves. We don't have to deal with anyone just yet. The ones that care know how hard this is for us. And as soon as that last bell rings, we can come back here and lock ourselves in this room again," I told him, wiping a stray tear from his cheek with my thumb.
"Okay," he agreed, kissing my nose.
The next day was spent much like the last night. We only ventured out of our room when it was absolutely necessary; to shower, use the restroom, and eat once. Nathan snuck into the kitchen when Dan was engrossed in a football game on tv. He quickly grabbed what he could without drawing attention to himself. Which was a loaf of bread, some sandwich meat, two sodas, a bag of chips, and a package of chocolate chip cookies. We ate in silence. Actually, the whole day was spent in almost complete silence.
That night, sometime around 2:30, I started to fall asleep. Nathan, lying with one arm thrown over my side, had been asleep for an hour. I hadn't slept much since Molly Erin died so I welcomed the sleep. An hour and a half later, I woke screaming. I jolted up, pulling Nathan with me. Trembling, I wiped at my face, surprised to find that I was crying.
"What the hell just happened?" I faintly heard Nathan ask. I was still too numb from the nightmare to say anything. He just gathered me in his arms and rocked me while I sobbed.
Nathan POV:
Sleep. Something I've hardly done since Molly Erin died. Not that I didn't want to; I just couldn't. Visions and flashes of Molly's lifeless body haunted me when I closed my eyes. Plus, Brooke couldn't really sleep so I would stay up for her. But tonight, I couldn't keep my eyes open. With one arm around Brooke, I drifted into a restless slumber.
I'm not going to lie; I saw Molly in my head the whole time I was asleep. It started with feeling her kick while still in Brooke's stomach. Then I saw a two year old version of her with a dark brown mess of hair and my blue eyes, Brooke's dimples showing when she smiled. Next, I saw her at her high school graduation, delivering her valedictory speech, clearly becoming an upstanding young woman.
The last vision of Molly was on her wedding day. I had walked her down the aisle and before I handed her to the groom, I went to raise her veil. Raising it, I was terrified of what I saw. Instead of the beautiful, blushing bride I was expecting, I saw a dead, lifeless, blue face staring back at me. Before I could scream, I was woken by someone else's screaming.
"What the hell just happened?" I managed to stutter, not realizing it was Brooke that screamed or pulled me up with her. Once my vision came into focus, I realized Brooke's state. She had her hands tangle din her hair, eyes wide with fear, and her entire body was shaking. Forgetting all about my nightmare, I wrapped her up in my arms and let her cry.
By five am, we had managed to lie down in an uncomfortable silence after revealing each other's nightmares that have plagued us since Molly's death. By 6:45, I had to break the silence.
"B, we have to get ready for school," I mumbled. She just sighed in response.
"Why don't you jump in the shower? I'll get you something to wear," I suggested. Slowly but surely she got out of bed. When she came out wrapped in a towel, she saw her "lazy jeans", one of my black wife beaters, a pair of black flip flops, and my big black hoodie that she loved.
"Thanks Nate," she whispered, getting dressed while I took a quick shower. I drove one of my dad's cars to school that day, running to the passenger side to help Brooke out. Walking up to the school, Brooke stiffened up when we saw all our friends at a table in the quad waiting for the bell to ring.
I paused slightly to whisper, "Do you want to stop?" in Brooke's ear. She quickly shook her head, avoided all eye contact, and let me lead her into the school. To say our friends were confused was an understatement.
The day went by in a blur. If I wasn't in class with Brooke, I was worried that she would fall asleep in class and have another nightmare. That kind of attention from classmates if she started screaming is the last thing she needs. And clearly, our actions this morning showed our friends that we still needed time to ourselves, even if we were at school. Surprisingly, Peyton even kept her distance.
When it was finally time for lunch, I sprang from my math class, desperate to get to Brooke before anyone else. I caught up with her as she was walking out of her psychology class, the hood on my hoodie up to hide her face. But I could still see the worry and fear on her face.
"Did something happen?" I asked quietly, wrapping one arm around her shoulders as I steered her through the hallways.
"I fell asleep," she whispered back, tears brimming her eyes.
"Did you dream?" I asked. She didn't even need to answer me. I could tell by the stares and the look in her eyes that she had. This is what I was afraid of. We made it to the cafeteria and I sat her down at an empty table, grabbing a sandwich for each of us out of my bag, before speaking again.
"What happened Brooke?"
"I saw her again. It was different this time. She wasn't a still birth. She was alive and real and about two. But then she changed. We were just sitting at home playing with her in the living room when she started turning blue and stopped breathing. I freaked out, not knowing what to do. So I just started crying and screaming her name. I woke up screaming again. I didn't know what to do Nathan. I was so scared and you weren't there. Everyone was looking at me like I had lost my mind!" she explained, tears running down her face. She scrambled to wipe her tears with the sleeve of my hoodie before anyone noticed.
"It's okay B, don't worry about what anyone else thinks. We'll just have to be more careful okay? I'll stay up tonight so you can get some sleep. If you start to dream, I'll wake you up before it gets too bad. And we have history next. I'll make sure to wake you up if you start to dream in there too. Okay?" I said, trying to help her out in any way I could.
I was tired, and still hurting, and very sad still, but I had to watch out for her too. I couldn't let myself get too caught up in my own exhaustion and fear of sleep and let Brooke slip through the cracks. If anyone else found out that we weren't sleeping, or if anyone found out about the horrible nightmares, there's no telling what they would do. Send us to a hospital, try to medicate us to make us sleep. Who knows? So I had to keep my guard up and watch out for my Brooke.
A few tables away, I noticed Peyton and Tim glancing at us warily. I nudged Brooke, who looked up and saw the same thing.
"Let's just go to history now. I don't want to talk to them yet," Brooke whispered, grabbing her bag off the floor and standing up. I grabbed my backpack, forgetting about the sandwiches we didn't eat, and guided her out of the cafeteria.
Halfway through our history class, I noticed Brooke had fallen asleep in the desk in front of mine. When she started to shake and her breathing became heavy, I knew she had started dreaming. I gently tapped her on the back, trying to wake her up. Apparently, gentle tapping wasn't enough to coax her out of this dream. So I had to nudge her a little harder. She shot up in her seat so quickly I thought she was going to fall out of her desk. Before she could catch anyone's attention, though, she righted herself. Turning quickly to throw a lopsided grin at me was her way of saying thank you without having to talk.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the room, Peyton, Tim, and Lucas were gathered together whispering about their friends.
"You guys, something is wrong with them! I mean, they look like they haven't slept in weeks! And Brooke's not even wearing any makeup so I know something is wrong!" Peyton exclaimed.
"Peyt, they did just lose their daughter. They're probably just having a hard time dealing with it. Wouldn't you?" Lucas asked, slightly annoyed with Peyton for being so nosy.
"Yes Lucas, I would have a hard time dealing with it. But look at them, Brooke won't even talk to anyone. And I heard that she fell asleep in psychology and woke up screaming! That can't be good!" she told the guys.
"Baby, look, let's just give them their space. I'm sure when they're ready, they'll come to us. Okay?" Tim suggested. Peyton just nodded her head.
I couldn't help but notice them whispering and watching us. I knew they were talking about us. I wish they would stop. I mean, how hard it is to leave us alone after our daughter just died? It's like they don't get it.
After School:
I had talked to Whitey earlier that day about taking a leave of absence from the team so I could deal with Molly's death. He agreed rather quickly. So when school ended, Brooke and I just walked to our car and drove home. My dad was home for a change and tried to talk to us, invite us out for dinner. Brooke just shook her head and headed for the stairs.
"Not tonight Dad," I mumbled, following Brooke's lead. When we got to our room, Brooke slid her flip flops off her feet, set her bag down at the end of the bed, and climbed up on the bed to lie down for a while.
"Nate, are you sure about staying up tonight?" she asked in a quiet voice.
"Of course. You need the sleep more than I do! You want to go ahead and try to sleep now?" I asked, seeing the dark purple marks under her eyes from the lack of sleep. She nodded her head and laid down under the covers. Brooke was asleep within five minutes. I figured I could use this time to try to get caught up on some of the school work I missed last week. Sounds odd I know, but I guess that was one thing I kept from mine and Haley's relationship; the want to do better in school.
Four hours later, Brooke was still sleeping. Maybe not peacefully, but at least nightmare-free. Or so I had thought. In the last hour, I had finished all of my work and had lie down next to Brooke. I quickly found my eyes wanting to close. But I had to stay awake for Brooke. If she had another nightmare and I wasn't there to wake her up, I would feel horribly guilty. Yet, I couldn't stop my eyes from closing. It was like they ahd a mind of their own.
About ten minutes after I fell asleep, I was woken by screaming and a pounding on my bedroom door. I sat up to see Brooke screaming in her sleep, tossing and turning. Before I could do anything about the person banging on the door, I had to wake her up. I shook her rather roughly to try to wake her up. After a minute or two, she opened her eyes, gasping for breath, her screams stopped.
"Brooke, I'm so sorry, I fell asleep. Are you okay?" I asked, in fear of her answer. She was still gasping for breath, looking scared, and wasn't able to answer me just yet. She just collapsed in my arms as the person outside my door burst into the room.
"Nathan, Brooke, what happened?" my dad asked, holding a baseball bat.
"Dad, it's okay. It was just a bad dream. What's the bat for?" I asked curiously.
"I could hear her downstairs. I thought something horrible happened. Is she okay?" he asked, seeing Brooke's state. She was still huddled in my arms sobbing.
"She'll be fine. Can you leave us alone please?" I asked rather rudely, not wanting to explain Brooke's nightmares to my dad.
After he left the room, I pulled Brooke up to look at me. Her crying had stopped but her shaking had not.
"Brooke, look at me!" I demanded. Her eyes slowly made their way to mine.
"Nate, I was so scared. Please don't make me go back to sleep. I can't do that again," she cried. I just hugged her back to my body, trying to soothe her.
"Don't worry B, you don't have to go to sleep. We'll just find something else to do okay?" I said, trying to calm her down. I know how scary her nightmares can be, I have them myself. I just prayed that this didn't last much longer. I'm not sure if we could function without sleep for too much longer.
A/N: Please tell me what you think!