Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. But if I did, I'd let you all meet RPattz! *winks*
A/N: Holy Wall Sex, Batman! You dirty h00kers! HAHA, Loved it, huh?
So um, *shuffles feet* Did you see the review for Radio Edit, by TwiFic Promotions? You can find it here: http:/twi-ficpromotions(DOT)blogspot(DOT)com/2010/06/radio-edit(DOT)html
PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO READ THE EPIC A/N BELOW! Thanks
BPOV
"And his parents were totally checking me out!" Bella screeched the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. "I was stark naked with some body paint on and his *BEEP* parents show up! You can't write this stuff! Eph my life!"
Rosalie giggled into her microphone, none too quietly either.
"So what happened at lunch?" Rose asked.
"Ok, they're sweet- his parents. Like, sooooo nice, right? But holy hell! I have never been asked so many questions about my boobs in my life! What kind of bra do I wear? Do I do any sort of special exercise? Did I take supplements as a kid?" Bella listed. "I mean really? Really?"
"Well, you do have a nice rack," Drew B commented.
"Dude!" Emmett boomed, "Shut it down!"
"What! She does! They're the perfect handful," Drew B stupidly remarked, making a squeezing gesture with his hands.
"You're about to get junk-punch, you little *BEEP*," Emmett hollered.
Drew B. held up his hands in surrender. "I meant no disrespect!"
"Tell that to my freaking sister, man!" Emmett pointed at Bella.
Bella and Rosalie were sitting wide-eyed and church mouse quite through the whole exchange, a rare occurrence for our golden haired radio host.
"What the *BEEP* Drew B?"
Seems we spoke too soon.
The grunt of Rosalie throwing something heavy could be heard through the listener's speakers, followed closely by a THUD and a muffled "oof".
"You're such a dumb mother effer, you know that?" Rose growled. "You come in here spouting that *BEEP* *BEEP* in front of her *BEEP* brother?"
"Sure is a whole lotta beeping going on today," Bella mumbled as she frantically tried to keep up with the censor button.
Rose continued on her rant, needing to be beeped six more times, before Bella finally stepped in to continue to recount her lunch date with Edward and his parents.
xXxXxXxXxXx
"Look, Bella!" Esme chirped, "The bird's breasts are as perky as yours!"
Really? We're back to this shit again?
"Edward, can you hand me that knife please?" I asked sweetly.
Edward turned to me with wide eyes. The look confused me for a moment until the memory of a certain conversation caused me to giggle.
"So I can cut up the vegetables, Edward." He smirked at me as he handed me the utensil. I rolled my eyes and proceeded to hack away at the poor carrots and potatoes.
A few days ago I had confided in Edward that meeting his parents for the first time nude, and his mother's obsession with my boobs, caused me to want to perform my own lobotomy. He must have expected me to follow through rtfn. Silly boy, I'd at least wait until after everyone had eaten.
"Bella, might I say that that those jeans make your rear end look positively squeezable!" Carlisle chimed in as he walked into the kitchen for a beverage.
Even Edward cocked an eyebrow at that one. He slid his hand down my back and over the curve of my bottom, giving it a firm squeeze.
"I've got it covered, dad." He gave it a good slap, and that was that.
Thanksgiving went relatively normal after that, mostly. I mean, if you can count Esme telling me that she wore those particular shoes because she was told that heels make your butt look better, normal. We all were then pulled in to a 45 minute discussion on the topic where all the girls had to stand behind the couch, so our feet were hidden, and show our asses with and without heels on for comparison. This was of course judged by the boys, of which Carlisle claimed that 'Heels or no heels, a good ass is a good ass!' Well alrighty then!
Esme had brought some old photo albums, so while the turkey was brining I was able to smile and coo over baby Edward and Alice's miniature adventures. I got to see little Edward's hand turkey with the fingers of his hand colored autumn themed colors, and Alice's turkey, which was colored pink and purple.
Around 3pm Carlisle, Edward, and Jasper walked proudly out of the kitchen with the raw turkey on a platter. They were apparently going to attempt a fried turkey this year and had marinated the turkey in some sort of Cajun seasoning. The boys had spent a good hour on setting up the frying apparatus, filling the pot up with water and setting the turkey in to see how much oil they would need by water displacement, and then hooking it up to the propane tank. They even went so far as to set up a 'Men's Lounge' next to the 'frying station', complete with an outdoor rug, lawn chairs, a fully stocked cooler with iced beverages, and a little television.
"Ladies, if you will join us in the backyard, please?" Jasper announce with alarming seriousness.
The three of us exchanged amused looks and followed the boys outside. Somehow, we all just knew to form a circle around the fryer as we all gazed upon it in wonder.
And we stood there.
…
…
"Well, is something supposed to happen?" Alice asked.
"Darlin', we're having a moment of silence in respect for the poultry, and the fry-gods," Jasper spoke quietly.
"Fry gods?"
"Fry gods."
Ok then. We had our 'moment of silence' for the…. Fry gods, the boys standing with solemn expressions and us girls desperately trying not to laugh. No, seriously! Picture this: Carlisle was standing directly behind the fryer holding the turkey, which was standing upright on some sort of special tray, with his eyes closed and his face turned slightly up towards the sky, proudly wearing an apron that read 'May the Forks Be with You', and pink cupcake oven mitts. Jasper and Edward flanked him on either side with their hands fisted together in front of them, feet shoulder width apart, and their heads bowed.
Carlisle took a deep breath and opened his eyes, and after nodding to Jasper and Edward, handed the tray to Edward and took some small aluminum hanger looking thing from Jasper. Turning back to Edward, He hooked the hanger through the turkey's stand and hoisted it in the air. Water and marinade dripped from the bird as he swung it around to hold over the oil, making it hiss and pop.
Oh, this is not going to go well. At all.
"Carlisle, sweetheart," Esme started, "I don't think…"
"Esme, I've got this," He stated firmly.
Esme held up her palms and took a few retreating steps, Alice and I taking a few cautionary paces back as well.
He adjusted his stance and started to lower the turkey in to the oil. As soon as the bird broke the surface, oil and steam billowed out of the pot. Carlisle quickly dropped the turkey in and jumped back. Steam plumed out of the neck of the turkey, oil sputtered and splattered until it erupted over the sides of the pot in a scorching waterfall. Angry orange flames burst from the pilot light, engulfing the entire set up, and curling up at least ten feet in the air.
Esme, Alice, and I screamed and scurried away from the inferno, waiving our arms like ruffled chickens and shouting at the boys to do something. Jasper was blowing at the fire like it was a fucking birthday candle as Carlisle proceeded to flap at it with his pink mittens. Edward got a determined look on his face, puffed out his chest, smoothed out the wrinkles in his shirt with a sharp tug at the hem… and took off running for the house.
Awesome.
We're all going to burn in Thanksgiving hell and my boyfriend sprints to safety, leaving behind all the women and… pink mitten wearing doctors, and candle blowing cowboys! Just as I had lost faith in my man, he came barreling out of the back door with the fire extinguisher.
"Move! Move!" Edward shouted as he aimed the nozzle at the fire.
He pinched the lever together and a cloud of powdery white showered over the flames; it took a good 6 or 20 shots to get the fire out. We stood there covered in white residue and watched the burnt mess smolder. Out of breath, Alice turned to us, smoothed her blouse over and dusted her pants off.
"How's the turkey?" Ever the hostess simply worried about the meal.
"Burt," Jasper said as he peered cautiously over the lip of the pot.
Forty five minutes later we were climbing in to the booth of the Chinese Buffet, thoughts of burnt turkeys and angry fry gods forgotten.
xXxXxXxXxXxXx
"Was that not the craziest fucking Thanksgiving of all time?" Edward asked as he walked out of the bathroom, pulling on some track shorts, and climbed back in to bed with me.
We had just "relieved some holiday stress" and were now channel surfing in bed, all post coital. I passed over TBS but backtracked quickly when Edward "OOOH OOH"-ed at the program. Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
"THIS IS MY JAM!"
Um, what?
"What ?" I laughed.
It was the episode where Will and Carlton enter that dance contest and do the 'Jump On It' dance. You know the one. (A/N: If you don't go here- http:/www(DOT)youtube(DOT)com/watch?v=N7h-2UmHuxQ&NR=1 )
"That would make a great victory dance," Edward mused.
Chuckling, I asked, "For what?"
"I don't know…" he looked around for a few second before his eyes landed on my still naked form.
His eyes lit up and a crooked grin took over his face.
"For every time I get you off," he said with a wiggle of his eyebrows.
"I believe I am owed THREE victory dances, Miss Swan."
He got up to stand next to the TV and put his hands on his hips just as Will and Carlton were. The music started playing and he thrusts his hips in an octagon, then 'cowboyed up' around in a circle in perfect synchronization with the characters. When the song sang 'Jump on it! Jump on it!', Edward took a running leap onto the bed, smooshing me beneath him, both of us taken over with laughter.
"Fuck! I love your goofy ass!" I giggled and snuggled in to him.
He looked at me with an excited boyish grin. "I love you, too, Bella. So much."
xXxXxXxXxXxXx
"So, Disney in 3 weeks bitches. Are you ready?" said Emmett.
Every year the Morning Show was invited to Disney World for their Candlelight Processional and was accommodated for a week to promote the Resort's amenities.
"SQUEEEEEEE!"
Everyone clapped their hands over their ears and turned their attention towards the source of this ghastly screech.
Guess who?
"I'm sorry, I just LOVE LOVE LOVE Disney world. I could live there. I haven't been there is so long, since things have gotten so busy."
"Jasper! What the fuck, man!" Edward chuckled, lowering his hands.
Emmett was looking at Jasper with the craziest expression. Quite frankly, I feared for his sanity!
"YES!" Emmett jumped out of his chair and fist pumped.
"Um… what?" Rosalie was just as confused as I was.
"Payback is a bitch, dude! You say I scream like a little bitch on rides, well you like frou frou Disney and princess shit!" Emmett said, pointing at Jasper.
We all looked at Emmett in varying degrees of 'what the fuck'.
"What? This is so my "in"!"
"Yeah. Anyway, So we'll leave in a few weeks. You're all coming along, right?" I asked the group.
"Totally!" Alice responded along with Jasper's enthusiastic nod.
"I'll be where ever you are, beautiful." Edward leaned in, turning my face towards him with his index finger, and placed a lingering kiss on my lips.
Emmett cleared his throat loudly, bringing our impromptu make out to an unfortunate end.
"Oh! There's a HP marathon later today, you girls in?" Alice asked.
"Hell yeah, I'd totally bang Harry Potter," Rose said with a smirk.
"No, that'd be too weird. I'd do Ron, though. I do fancy me a ginger from time to time." I tried not to laugh as I side eyed Edward.
"My hair is not red."
"Sure it is, sometimes at least; in a certain light. Anyways," I continued, turning back to the girls, "I could never fornicate with Happy Potter; his wand didn't look too big- even if it is magic."
Alice and Rosalie let out matching guffaws from deep in the belly, I fell over on to Edward's shoulder in a fit of giggles, and they boys all looked at us like we had lost our damned minds.
xXxXxXx
"And I know someday that it'll all turn out. You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get. I just haven't met you yet"
I ran out of my room and in to the kitchen, racing the ringer on my cell phone. Breathlessly, I picked it up just before it went to voicemail, not even having a chance to check the name of the caller.
"Hello?"
"Your mother owes me $4,500. I know you always paid her shit for her. If I don't get that fucking money by the end of the week I will find you and beat the shit out of you like I did to that crack whore of a mother of yours. Do you understand me, little girl? Good."
The end of the week, that gave me three days to find James and give him the money.
The click on the other line was eclipse by the sound of my rushing pulse.
EPIC A/N:
Sorry it's short (That's what he said) and a little all over the place, I just wasn't feeling it, girls, and I didn't want it to be forced.
C'mere, sit on my lap for story time. *pats knee*
I've got some RL crap going on. My grandmother is in an "any day now" situation so, if you don't get an update for a while it's because I had to go to Memphis. She has cancer and my mother is trying to take care of her with the help of hospice, but she herself is an epileptic and can't do it. I'll try to keep writing at a normal pace; I promise it won't be months between updates. Thank you for understanding. Your reviews help me stay motivated- and that isn't just a ploy to get more. It's the truth.
To all my new readers *squishybewbiehugs* to all of you! Welcome! Pull up a lawn chair and sun bathe in the South Florida sun with us.
Speaking of readers, Medward_Cullen would like to send a special Thank You to LittleMo_Cullen for honoring him with her 100th tweet!
Thank you to lightheaded23, Hongkongfooey73, bellajade0919, mouse555, and inkedupmom for their help with this chapter.