****This one is for Susie...thank you everyone for being patient with me! I will try to update everything in the next 24 hours to make it up to you! Life has been crazy and I have wanted the escape of writing this so just know I wanted to update! You guys are the best for hanging in there with me!****
Bigger than her? How could that be? She knew exactly how that could be. She was too fucking naïve. Her head hung heavily, dripping with the reality of it all. He didn't just cheat on her that one day to push her away, he must have been doing it for awhile, he probably started as soon as he got out of jail, hopefully not before then.
There it was again, that terrible feeling she had managed to avoid and it was coming back with a vengeance. Her head was spinning and her stomach cramping. Nothing could fucking go right in her life.
"Are you going to have to leave me? Won't they follow you?" Glancing at Mark, the desperation began to get the best of her. There was no way she could be left by herself, alone with the thoughts that she knew would haunt her.
"I might, we'll have to see," His face remained calm through it all, his eyes trained forward and focused on the road, "I don't want to leave you though, please know that."
"I do." Ashley whispered, not wanting to admit it to herself she turned to stare out the window. She started to cry silent tears, wishing that what had just happened never had. But something had changed in her, a cosmic shift, almost like her hourglass had finally run out of sand and someone was kind enough to turn it over for her. There was no guilt seeing him, no urge to run and confess everything, begging him to love her back and be a family. Only an overwhelming need to flee and protect what was innocent in all of this….her baby. Maybe it wasn't right, morally or whatnot, but it is what her brain was screaming at her and it was what she was determined to do.
Scrambling to get everything when they got back to the apartment, she thoughtlessly threw her things into two small suitcases. She hadn't collected too much in the past four or five months she had been living there so there was not much effort required. Ashley could hear Mark on the phone in the other room, hurrying to line up a place for them to stay the night before he could find her a more permanent option. She chewed on her lower lip in aggravation, hating that someone had to take care of her and she would never be able to live freely on her own. But Mark was convinced Clay would be looking for her, probably finding out right now as she was packing, and if she was to have any chance at all she had to leave right away. Part of her was hurting and scared, she had started to get used to their crazy life together, she was disappointed that it might all come to a screeching halt now. And there was something else, something strong simmering right below the surface, a rage that was bubbling up inside her, knowing Jax had moved on probably before they were even over.
Mark came over, sensing her frustration, and grabbed the suitcases she was trying to wheel, practically yanking actually, over the thick carpet. He put his hand on her forearm, "Shhh," he said as he rubbed it gently with his thumb. It was in that moment she realized she had been spouting off every profanity she knew in a drunken angry slur. He was always there when she needed him, acting like the perfect husband for his pregnant wife. He would never even let her lift a finger if he thought it would hurt the baby or her. Always comforting, listening, helping, if she hadn't seen him half naked a million times she would swear he was a woman.
She couldn't stop herself before she knew what she was doing, but all the anger she felt towards Jax needed to come out somehow. She wanted to hurt him like he was hurting her. She wanted to be able to move on with her life and be free. She wanted to suppress any emotion of love she had for him as far inside as she could push it. She needed to forget him. She needed to get over him.
She grabbed Mark's shirt and pulled him towards her, putting her hands behind his neck and sliding up close, lightly tracing her lips over his to wait for his ok. To her surprise he leaned in close and made his move. She began to kiss him with an urgency, she wanted to cloud her mind with the distraction of someone new, erasing any memory of being with Jax. It was barely working, a tiny bandaid on the enormous wound that was her reality. As much as she wanted to forget him, she found herself comparing the two. Kissing Mark wasn't like kissing Jax, he was a little shorter and skinnier, and his lips weren't quite as firm, they were more of a soft pillowy refuge. The sparks she felt every time she kissed Jax, the twisting in the pit of her stomach, they were absent in this moment. But she was determined to keep searching, putting forth every ounce of fortitude she could muster. But she had to admit to herself it was nice. She felt safe with Mark. Safe. Something she had mistakenly thought she was with Jax. But now her eyes were opened. She would have never been safe with him. There was no use waiting for Jax anymore, her hopes of ever being a family, while they were only naive dreams, or more like detached delusions, were now completely nonexistent. He had broken her heart until it was unrepairable, and she would never be able to really love anyone again. But she liked Mark and she trusted him and she didn't want to lose him now.
"Please don't leave me," she whispered to him, pulling away slightly.
"I might have to for a little while," He told her breathlessly.
"Promise me."
"I promise."
"No you can't leave me, not even for a second." Ashley pleaded with him, loss filling her eyes.
"Ashley."
"Please," she said, reaching for the zipper on his pants.
"Ashley."
She could see in his eyes that he was in love with her. She felt guiltier knowing that. She knew she could never be in love with him, but maybe, somehow, she could love him. He was healthy for her, he made sense. She started to kiss him again more passionately. Her pregnant belly smushing between them, but she didn't let that be a distraction. She was still confident in her body, knowing she could still get him to want to be with her. She moved her hands over him, desperate for him to claim her mind. With each invading thought of Jax, she would counter it with the reminder of him being married, fucking some whore, shutting her out, abandoning her, having a baby with someone else. It only made her want Mark more. She couldn't be with him fast enough. Like a druggie chasing the high she needed to numb her pain.
Jax pulled over to the side of the road and jumped off of his bike. He started walking, unable to focus on driving and needing to get away from everyone. He was still reeling from what he witnessed barely hours before.
They were out on a run and moving through town to scope out what the local businesses looked like. They were trying to find some not so obvious places to store their shipments. He didn't believe his eyes at first, but there was no mistaking the pair of piercing green eyes that stared back at him in horror. The look on her face, it was one he would not be able to shake any time soon.
He started to lose his footing and squatted down to get some blood back to his head. Everything was so fucked up. Everything he thought was real wasn't, everything he had tried to accomplish had backfired.
When he was in jail, there was only one option. Ashley had to get out of Charming. She was sinking fast, her life was in jeopardy and there was nothing he could do from the inside to keep her safe. Well there was one thing. Mark. That fucking piece of shit. He had asked Mark to protect her and get her out of Charming. Mark had promised he would. This is not what he meant. That…what he saw…it was definitely not what he meant.
He cringed remembering how he treated her, the anguish in her eyes when he had forced himself to be so cold to her….to break her heart. And after all of that, when she still didn't give up on him, he hated himself for what he did, betraying her. The look of hate and disgust he saw in her..…he loved her and it was the hardest thing he ever did.….he had to sit down because squatting wasn't doing it.
When Clay had said he thought it was Ashley who was killed, he didn't believe it. But Unser backed Clay up convincing him Rob must have been killed protecting her from that asshole that was after her. Unser confirmed a woman's body was found and Jax's world came crashing down. Booze, pussy, booze, there was never enough to escape his head, he couldn't live with himself the way he had ended things. And then there was fucking Wendy. Oh fuck his life was so fucked…He didn't even know what he was thinking when he started things with her. He had thought Ashley was dead….
The sound of boots shuffling, rocks trapped between their soles and the dusty ground came up slowly behind him. He had to pull himself together, he couldn't let them see him coming apart like this.
"Hey brother, you ok?" Bobby asked him, placing a supportive hand on his shoulder.
He didn't answer, was he supposed to be ok? He just saw a fucking ghost.
"What was she doing with that Mark fucker?" Tig asked, his voice filled with unspoken promises of his agenda.
What was she doing alive?
"Let's give him a minute," Bobby said and he could hear them backing up a little. His mind was spinning and he put his head in his hands, hoping that whatever feeling this was would stop.
"She's a rat." Tig kept going on, "Clay has to know."
Jax stood up at his words, something violently lurching forward inside of him, pushing him through the shock and back into his head. He wasn't sure what was going on. Why she was with Mark, why she was alive. Why she was….Mark had….that piece of shit. There was one thing he was very sure of.
Mark. Was. Fucking. Dead.
***Thanks again everyone! Please review if you can! I love getting them and hopefully they will inspire me to update quicker!***